The truth is, I don't know how much more I can handle when it comes to the opposite sex. I am tired of being dragged through the mud and lied to. It has been proven to me a few times that even "nice guys" are capable of being soul-sucking assholes. I cannot censor myself anymore, and REFUSE to censor myself anymore.
I have never expected love to just fall into my lap. I understand that it's difficult and the older you get, the harder it gets to find someone you're compatible with. What I want is to get to know someone. Not based on looks, but based on personality and shared interests. I continue to talk to different guys and give them chances. And if I weren't so afraid of these guys finding/reading my blog, I would have been talking about it from the beginning. But at this point, I can't hold it in anymore and I have got to write about how incredibly frustrated and disappointed I am.
I think I'm pretty realistic. I have a clear understanding of where I am on the "pretty/ugly scale", and I'd put myself just slightly above average. Internally, I know that I am one of the most beautiful people most people will have a chance to meet. A man I used to know say that I was 200 lbs, and 190 of that is all heart. I have a million awesome qualities that would make me a great mate. Of course I have faults too--my neediness and sensitivity are probably my biggest.
I'm not shooting for the moon when it comes to men. I'm realistic about what kind of guy I want, what kind of guy I'm compatible with, and what kind of guy I'm attracted to. I'm not expecting a Calvin Klein underwear model to come knocking at my door. All I'm asking for is a cuddly, dorky, fun and responsible guy. A "nice guy". I have been making better choices when it comes to who I'll date and what kind of dates we have...there's just one problem.
Nobody is giving me a motherfucking chance.
"Nice guys" complain all the time that nobody wants them, or that "nice guys finish last". Well, I just want to say that the statement "nice guys finish last" is complete and utter BULLSHIT. Grommon lied to me about even being friends--it was a really nice act he put on the night we broke up though. He ignores me at every given opportunity, and has made no effort whatsoever to remain a friend of mine. I went out with a guy from OkCupid a few weeks ago--we'd been emailing for a month and texting for a couple of weeks. Things were going really well--I actually had a little hope. We went out, and I thought we hit it off. I was POSITIVE there would be a second date. But he withdrew, without even telling me WTF the problem was. I started talking to another guy, and he dropped me because I didn't run to his side when he gave me 2 hours notice that he wanted to meet me for the first time. We had been emailing for a week and started texting on a Saturday night. We made a date for Monday, then he asked me if I wanted to grab a drink around 11 (it was 9). I said no because it was late, my car is dying/tags expired and it would be better to wait until Monday. Monday never came, as he never texted me again. There was another guy I'd been talking to since the middle of January--we hadn't met but had a WHOLE LOT in common. I was really looking forward to meeting him. And he disappeared--again without a reason. So I have effectively wasted almost 2 months and all I've gotten is one date and a whole lot of frustration. It's fucking with my self-esteem. I have been nothing but honest with these guys in my emails/texts with them, my pictures are accurate and recent...I just can't figure out what's wrong with me. When a "nice guy" dumps you on your ass, and when it happens more than once in a 6 month period, you begin to believe that either there is something terribly wrong with you, or something terribly wrong with them. With Grommon, I understood that it was him. Now, I'm not so sure because every single action he has taken has proven otherwise than what he told me. Some "nice guy". With Mike (my date from okcupid and the last Mike I will EVER date), he was probably shallow. It just surprised me because he saw my pics, and they are accurate. Some "nice guy". With Nick (the 2-hour notice guy), I couldn't care less. I mean, really, he couldn't wait a DAY? Some "nice guy". With Josh (whom I never met but wasted my time emailing for a month and a half), I am the most disappointed because we were definitely the most compatible. And *poof*, he's gone. Still active on facebook, but hasn't returned my email. Some "nice guy".
I know that rejection is a part of dating. But I am tired of giving these guys chances and having them just back out with no reasons. Why would someone talk to me for so long (a month and a HALF!), add me to their facebook, talk about plans for getting together, then disappear??? I don't understand! I have mellowed out so much--I'm not expecting much here. All I'm asking for is a chance. I refuse to change who I am and become a bitch. I will never discriminate based on looks, especially not if I'm compatible with a person. If someone emails me on Okcupid and we're not compatible, I write them back and thank them for the email but let them know we're not compatible for whatever reason. NOBODY has extended me the same courtesy. I'm so sick and tired of being nice, only to get shit on by "nice" guys. The thing that bothers me the most is wasting so much time emailing these guys. I have purposely been leaving my options open...I never stopped talking to Josh even though I went out with Mike, and gave Mike the same courtesy even though I felt Josh and I were more compatible. I'm just fucking bummed that I spent so much time talking to them and neither of them gave me a shot.
For the last time, I am tired. I have gone through some major changes over the past year...I have re-evaluated who I am and what I want out of life. 10 years since I graduated high school and nothing I thought was going to happen has happened. All I ever wanted was a psychology degree, a husband, and children. I didn't even care if I had a JOB--as long as I had a formal education. I would have been happier staying home with the kids. I have officially decided that psychology is not for me--and that's something I've wanted to do since I was 13. I feel like I gave up my dream. I refuse to give up on the only other dreams I've ever had--having a husband and a family. I REFUSE. If I give up, I'll feel like I've failed at life. I'll have no dream to chase and no dream to live. But at the same time, I have to continue living my life for myself pretending that I'm going to be single forever. I need to find and make my own way. I need to save money so that maybe I can own a house someday--with or without a man. And if push comes to shove, you better believe I'll be adopting kids. I won't give up on those dreams, no matter what happens. Does anyone see my complete conflict here?????????? Does ANYONE get it?? I am so close to giving up on men it's frightening. Even to me. I have become bitter and skeptical and distrusting of the male species. It's been this way since November, and I can't shake it. I WANT to trust them. I don't want to be bitter. I hate this. But until a man proves himself trustworthy to me, I just can't do it! So basically my conflict is that I don't want to give up my dream, but the finding a mate part is hurting me way too much and I don't think I can do it anymore.
In other news, I am starting a different (not tele-commute) position with Convergys Monday. My orientation is Friday. I'm bummed that it's not a tele-commute position--apparently they're moving the tele-commute positions to WI so I was offered an agent position in-office. We'll see how it goes...I'm not really excited about working in a call center again but I gotta do what I gotta do. Anyway, this has gone on long enough and I'll be shocked if anyone is still reading this pathetic rant.
