Things have been relatively okay. I'm getting through the days at work...I didn't realize when I first started working there how complicated this job really is. It's a challenge every day, and you have to be not only very smart but very quick to adapt. I can honestly say that I don't have a single "dumb" coworker. For the first time in my life, LOL! Not as far as I've seen, anyway. It's nice to be around equals...people who enjoy learning and solving problems. My coworkers are fantastic, they're 80% nerds and I love the hell out of them.
Things are still kinda up in the air for me in the love department. Rob is MIA from my life right now, Kari is very distant, and to be honest it hurts me more NOT to hear from them. But I guess I've learned my lesson. I'm officially back on the dating market...some flirting on okcupid feels good. :-) One thing I still believe...I still believe in love. And I sincerely believe that because I am a good person I will find it. The people around me have always told me that it WILL happen, and I'm really trying hard to believe that. I'm not going to stop dating...I like it too much. I'm just going to take the butterflies and leave the tears--a whole new outlook.
Things at home have been okay...Mom got a spinal epidural and she's still been having a lot of pain. This has been really disheartening to both of us but her doctor wants her to keep trying. The good news is that she hasn't been having any of the "electrical" (as she puts it) pain in her feet/ankles but rather the "full-leg asscramp" (as I put it). Everyone has had an asscramp. If you haven't, I hope you never do. :-P But she says it's like she's having that kind of pain, and it's running down her leg. I guess I've never really described Mom's pain to this degree, but it's something that's constantly there. It's as much a part of our daily lives as my job is. Anyway, hopefully that will become a thing of the past as she continues to get these spinal blocks.
All in all, I'm just living life. I'm having a great day off...I got to sleep in until noon!!!!!! Then I went shopping at Target and Remke's and over to Sarah's for a couple of episodes of Battlestar Gallactica. I'm absolutely loving that show. Mom made an awesome spinach salad with grilled chicken and pineapple-habenero dressing for dinner...it was so good I wanted to lick my plate. Tomorrow is Evelyn's 7th birthday! I'm so glad I get to be around for stuff like this. I do have to work tomorrow, but at least I'll get to see her for a bit before I leave. And of course my birthday is coming up, and of course I'm already really excited about it. LOL! I am trying to remind myself that I should not be more excited about my birthday than Evelyn is about hers, and that it's still 2 weeks away. What I want more than anything for my birthday is money towards a decent computer. I found a computer I want that is under $500, so I'm watching every penny and hoping Mom will have mercy on me, LOL! I've been using her laptop for about 9 months now, and I'm sure she would really like it back. I've indicated that I might be holding the computer hostage until I get my Dell, so hopefully she'll take that as a sign that she should contribute freely. :-P
Every time I have a bad day, a day when I feel like life is fucking me over--I go to Los Angeles craigslist and see what Justin is up to. His antics on there (mainly the posts begging for a male fuck-buddy) help me realize that I was way more miserable then, and especially how much I've changed. I feel sorry for his girlfriend, but I just have to shake my head and remember that there are a million guys out there doing the exact same thing. And a million other girls who turn their heads the other way in the name of love. If there's one thing I'm proud of it's that I will NEVER be that girl again. :-)
Friday, June 25, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
Struggling.
I can't really say everything is great, but it doesn't suck either.
A lot has happened since I blogged last. Rob broke up with Kari, we all made up and are friends again...I just can't get the sick feeling out of my stomach. This is just a reminder to myself that I have absolutely nothing to do with their relationship and I have my own shit to get up and do. I just can't stop thinking about all of this for the past couple of days and I've reached my breaking point. If he ignores me, I'm sad. If he talks to me, I miss him. If I see her, I'm wondering. Tonight, I'm wondering. I let my mind go and it immediately starts wondering what he's doing tonight...knowing more than likely that he's with her.
Sometimes it hurts much more than I'd like to admit. Granted, I have bounced back beautifully from this. I feel good about myself and I know that I didn't do anything wrong. I realize that the fault is all his, and I realize that we aren't getting back together. I don't know what I need right now...someone to tell me how beautiful and worthy of love I am? It's been another rough week...between work, PMS and all of the Rob/Kari thoughts I'm having a difficult time functioning.
I really hope the weekends get easier as time goes on. I have to stop this madness.
A lot has happened since I blogged last. Rob broke up with Kari, we all made up and are friends again...I just can't get the sick feeling out of my stomach. This is just a reminder to myself that I have absolutely nothing to do with their relationship and I have my own shit to get up and do. I just can't stop thinking about all of this for the past couple of days and I've reached my breaking point. If he ignores me, I'm sad. If he talks to me, I miss him. If I see her, I'm wondering. Tonight, I'm wondering. I let my mind go and it immediately starts wondering what he's doing tonight...knowing more than likely that he's with her.
Sometimes it hurts much more than I'd like to admit. Granted, I have bounced back beautifully from this. I feel good about myself and I know that I didn't do anything wrong. I realize that the fault is all his, and I realize that we aren't getting back together. I don't know what I need right now...someone to tell me how beautiful and worthy of love I am? It's been another rough week...between work, PMS and all of the Rob/Kari thoughts I'm having a difficult time functioning.
I really hope the weekends get easier as time goes on. I have to stop this madness.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Too good to be true...indeed.
The last time I posted, everything was peaches n' cream. At that point, I had a guy in my life who adored me, at least 1 good friend at work (his ex), my best friend was about to get married to the love of her life...everything was great. It stayed great up until a few days ago, which I'll get to in a minute. That being said, please be advised that this post may contain angry rambling, abuse of caps lock, heavy use of exclamation points, and probably a lot of stuff that I'll realize later I shouldn't have said. We'll start with the good stuff...
I have to start by saying that Sarah's wedding was awesome!!! It was a great (although kinda hot) day, and everyone had so much fun. Sarah and I looked incredible...we had the best team ever (Wardrobe-Vickie/Joy, Hair-Misti/Amanda, Nails-Amanda) and they had us looking SMOKIN'!! Rob and the kids came, and we all had a blast. I feel so lucky to have a best friend in this life...I am overjoyed that my best friend found such a great guy to spend her life with. I believe in them and their relationship. Erik helps me believe that someone can get fucked over multiple times by multiple people and still find someone who loves them back. They are an incredible couple and I can't wait to see what's in store for them.
I simply can't get through this post without giving Joy and Ted a paragraph of their own. They were both so helpful with the wedding and I am overwhelmed by their generosity! Joy altered our dresses (and did a great job!), made Sarah's garters, made an embroidered table runner AND an embroidered blanket, and hosted Sarah's bachelorette party in STYLE!!! Not to mention the bazillion other little things she did for us. Sarah was thrilled that they came to the wedding and they had a great time, I think! Sarah's mom really likes Joy and I need to get off my ass and get over there so I can have them exchange numbers. Anyway...Joy and Ted rock. Big time.
The job is going well. I am still rocking my stats and I haven't gone nuts yet, although I'm sure it's coming.
Now, about Rob. We started talking April 4th, and it ended May 31st. Every single day of that relationship was ROSES. As everyone knows, we were introduced by his ex wife Kari (who I work with), and Kari and I were friends. I met the kids and they adored me...latched on to me right away. Rob and I were nuts about each other. Every night, he would come home from work and call me. We would talk for a few hours, play Magic Online, and end our call by blowing kisses. Thursday nights, I would go over to his place after work. We would hang out, cook for each other, play Magic, have stellar sex and fall asleep in each others arms. Friday morning I would wake up in his arms, we'd hang out for a while and I'd leave. When we had the chance, I'd get to hang out with him and the kids during the weekend. We were affectionate towards each other, we liked each others brains, we had similar goals and interests, we had incredible sex...all of the chemistry was there and we were both very happy. The happiest, healthiest relationship I've ever had.
Kari and I were work buddies...with a twist. I thought she was nuts when she offered to hook me up with her ex, but I trusted her intentions were good. She was cool with the fact that the kids liked me. Although there was some mild underlying tension (understandable given the fact that I was fucking her still-legally husband...) between the two of us I was confident that I had an ally. I never minded his friendship with Kari--I honestly believed that their relationship was dead and gone. She cheated on him, got pregnant with someone else's baby, left Rob and took the kids to GA. He had his faults too, but that's the straw that broke the camel's back. Those facts combined with the fact that SHE'S THE ONE WHO HOOKED US UP led me to believe that I had absolutely nothing to worry about when it came to the two of them.
Here's where I cut to the chase, and I'm afraid things might get ugly so bear with me. Last Thursday, Rob and I had our normal routine. It was truly a great night...I really enjoyed his company. We talked on the phone Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights as usual, but he was off on Monday for Memorial Day. I called him on my lunch Monday and we talked about this game he was gonna get on gamefly that I wanted to play, and I told him I'd call him after work. Now, Rob was on a bit of a bender...he started drinking Sunday night and I don't think he stopped until...shit...I don't know if he HAS stopped yet. Anyway, I called him after work and he half-heartedly answered the phone. I knew something was wrong, asked him what it was and he said he would need to talk to me in person. My heart dropped. I went over to his place and he gave me a speal about how he doesn't know if he could ever fall in love with me...and you know where this is going. I started to cry, asked him if he was going to sober up and realize that this wasn't what he wanted and he said no...that he had been thinking about it and that it was the right decision for him. I left in tears (as it began to rain...poetic...LOL) and basically cried myself to sleep. It was so bad my left eyelid was stuck to itself when I woke up in the morning. I put on a happy face and went to work Tuesday. Kari hugged me and said she was sorry that he broke up with me...that she didn't see it coming...that he told her I was the perfect girlfriend and had done nothing wrong. Yesterday (Wednesday), Kari and I had a long talk in the parking lot where she told me that I was still free to see the kids. Rob told her that he basically just wanted to be a bachelor after having been married for so long. I went home and was feeling mostly ok compared to how I had been feeling. I was confident that I hadn't done anything wrong...that I had indeed been the perfect girlfriend in every way and that I had done nothing to cause this. Both of them assured me that they were not in love with the other and that their relationship had nothing to do with it. This was all on him, he had some issues to work through and I just had to deal with it. No problem...I've hurt worse before. I talked to Elise for a while and she put things in perspective for me (and almost prophetically so) by explaining that it takes a lot of time to get over a marriage, and sometimes people get caught in the crossfire.
I woke up this morning feeling alright. I got up early, took a shower, smoked a bowl and checked facebook. What I saw there stunned me. "Rob Sloan is married to KariAnn Sloan". Rob posted some status about how he loved his wife and didn't realize it...Kari posted a status about how she got her ass handed to her in Magic Online...I began to hyperventilate...I ran off to work. Too early. I wasn't even supposed to be there until 12:30 but I left at 11:30 just HOPING that Kari would show up and see the look on my face. I cried all the way to work, called Rob and left him a scathing/incoherent message, called Sarah (who tried to calm me down unsuccessfully), explained the situation to our coworker friend Breanna while Kari was making her way over to me. She came over, sat down and put her hand on my arm. I turned to her and told her that I had absolutely no interest in speaking with her right now (while fighting back tears) and she walked away. I was pissed the fuck off because I deserved more than to hear of this via facebook...some common courtesy would have been nice in waiting until Kari had the chance to talk to me at work. I cried all day on the phones at work, and finally confronted Kari. I told her that I was pissed off about finding out that way. I told her that she shouldn't have hooked us up if she knew she still had feelings for him. I told her how much she hurt me. She apologized, saying that Rob changed his relationship status in the middle of the night and she didn't know (although she accepted it and "liked" his gushy fucking status update). She said that she never meant for things to end this way...I told her that she lost a friend. I ended up leaving work early...I just couldn't hold it together. I went over to Sarah's and had a field day with their punching bag and a stick. I used the thing like a bat and beat the hell out of the bag until tears were streaming down my face and I couldn't breathe anymore. It's over. I've given my Magic cards away to Rob's friend Andy, I've removed both Kari and Rob from any/all friends lists, I'm DONE.
Here's the part where I beat myself up, get depressed and feel sorry for myself. Do feel free to skip this paragraph if you are tired of my drivel. I am so far beyond hurt right now. I am tired of being the girl who helps men realize how much in love they are with SOMEONE ELSE. I am tired of getting to know people, letting them into my life, and getting dumped on. I deserve to be loved. I deserve it because I am a good person. I deserve it because I spend so much energy and love on the people around me. I deserve it because I have been shit on one too many times. Anyone who knows me is going to read this and think "What the FUCK?!?!?! AGAIN?!?!". Because they KNOW! Those who truly love me and know me know that I do not deserve this bullshit in my life. I'm honestly not sure whether I should just give up now or whether there's something bigger for me out there. It's hard to believe that there's something bigger for me out there...I have a laundry list of men who have dragged me through the mud. A laundry list of women who have betrayed me. I now have 2 "threepeats"...I have been saying that I'll never date another Mike because of my history. 3 Mikes and you're out. I now have my 3 Robs...Hoppenjans, Miserendino and Sloan. Sounds like a law firm. I am so done.
I will figure this out...I will be a big girl and I will put on a happy face. I will be cordial to Kari at work. I will leave Rob alone and not stalk him like I'm known to do, LOL. I just want both of them out of my life so I can start over. I can't think about the kids...I'll cry. I do wish them luck. I fear that history will repeat itself and Kari will fuck him over once again. But I guess that's really none of my business...I just want a change. I don't ever want to go through this bullshit again. I'm sure I'll get my feelings hurt again before I find the One...I refuse to let this take control of my life or my emotions. I will get over this in the most healthy way possible. I will come out better on the other side. And maybe someday I'll get what I actually deserve...which is a guy who can't see himself with anyone but me.
I have to start by saying that Sarah's wedding was awesome!!! It was a great (although kinda hot) day, and everyone had so much fun. Sarah and I looked incredible...we had the best team ever (Wardrobe-Vickie/Joy, Hair-Misti/Amanda, Nails-Amanda) and they had us looking SMOKIN'!! Rob and the kids came, and we all had a blast. I feel so lucky to have a best friend in this life...I am overjoyed that my best friend found such a great guy to spend her life with. I believe in them and their relationship. Erik helps me believe that someone can get fucked over multiple times by multiple people and still find someone who loves them back. They are an incredible couple and I can't wait to see what's in store for them.
I simply can't get through this post without giving Joy and Ted a paragraph of their own. They were both so helpful with the wedding and I am overwhelmed by their generosity! Joy altered our dresses (and did a great job!), made Sarah's garters, made an embroidered table runner AND an embroidered blanket, and hosted Sarah's bachelorette party in STYLE!!! Not to mention the bazillion other little things she did for us. Sarah was thrilled that they came to the wedding and they had a great time, I think! Sarah's mom really likes Joy and I need to get off my ass and get over there so I can have them exchange numbers. Anyway...Joy and Ted rock. Big time.
The job is going well. I am still rocking my stats and I haven't gone nuts yet, although I'm sure it's coming.
Now, about Rob. We started talking April 4th, and it ended May 31st. Every single day of that relationship was ROSES. As everyone knows, we were introduced by his ex wife Kari (who I work with), and Kari and I were friends. I met the kids and they adored me...latched on to me right away. Rob and I were nuts about each other. Every night, he would come home from work and call me. We would talk for a few hours, play Magic Online, and end our call by blowing kisses. Thursday nights, I would go over to his place after work. We would hang out, cook for each other, play Magic, have stellar sex and fall asleep in each others arms. Friday morning I would wake up in his arms, we'd hang out for a while and I'd leave. When we had the chance, I'd get to hang out with him and the kids during the weekend. We were affectionate towards each other, we liked each others brains, we had similar goals and interests, we had incredible sex...all of the chemistry was there and we were both very happy. The happiest, healthiest relationship I've ever had.
Kari and I were work buddies...with a twist. I thought she was nuts when she offered to hook me up with her ex, but I trusted her intentions were good. She was cool with the fact that the kids liked me. Although there was some mild underlying tension (understandable given the fact that I was fucking her still-legally husband...) between the two of us I was confident that I had an ally. I never minded his friendship with Kari--I honestly believed that their relationship was dead and gone. She cheated on him, got pregnant with someone else's baby, left Rob and took the kids to GA. He had his faults too, but that's the straw that broke the camel's back. Those facts combined with the fact that SHE'S THE ONE WHO HOOKED US UP led me to believe that I had absolutely nothing to worry about when it came to the two of them.
Here's where I cut to the chase, and I'm afraid things might get ugly so bear with me. Last Thursday, Rob and I had our normal routine. It was truly a great night...I really enjoyed his company. We talked on the phone Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights as usual, but he was off on Monday for Memorial Day. I called him on my lunch Monday and we talked about this game he was gonna get on gamefly that I wanted to play, and I told him I'd call him after work. Now, Rob was on a bit of a bender...he started drinking Sunday night and I don't think he stopped until...shit...I don't know if he HAS stopped yet. Anyway, I called him after work and he half-heartedly answered the phone. I knew something was wrong, asked him what it was and he said he would need to talk to me in person. My heart dropped. I went over to his place and he gave me a speal about how he doesn't know if he could ever fall in love with me...and you know where this is going. I started to cry, asked him if he was going to sober up and realize that this wasn't what he wanted and he said no...that he had been thinking about it and that it was the right decision for him. I left in tears (as it began to rain...poetic...LOL) and basically cried myself to sleep. It was so bad my left eyelid was stuck to itself when I woke up in the morning. I put on a happy face and went to work Tuesday. Kari hugged me and said she was sorry that he broke up with me...that she didn't see it coming...that he told her I was the perfect girlfriend and had done nothing wrong. Yesterday (Wednesday), Kari and I had a long talk in the parking lot where she told me that I was still free to see the kids. Rob told her that he basically just wanted to be a bachelor after having been married for so long. I went home and was feeling mostly ok compared to how I had been feeling. I was confident that I hadn't done anything wrong...that I had indeed been the perfect girlfriend in every way and that I had done nothing to cause this. Both of them assured me that they were not in love with the other and that their relationship had nothing to do with it. This was all on him, he had some issues to work through and I just had to deal with it. No problem...I've hurt worse before. I talked to Elise for a while and she put things in perspective for me (and almost prophetically so) by explaining that it takes a lot of time to get over a marriage, and sometimes people get caught in the crossfire.
I woke up this morning feeling alright. I got up early, took a shower, smoked a bowl and checked facebook. What I saw there stunned me. "Rob Sloan is married to KariAnn Sloan". Rob posted some status about how he loved his wife and didn't realize it...Kari posted a status about how she got her ass handed to her in Magic Online...I began to hyperventilate...I ran off to work. Too early. I wasn't even supposed to be there until 12:30 but I left at 11:30 just HOPING that Kari would show up and see the look on my face. I cried all the way to work, called Rob and left him a scathing/incoherent message, called Sarah (who tried to calm me down unsuccessfully), explained the situation to our coworker friend Breanna while Kari was making her way over to me. She came over, sat down and put her hand on my arm. I turned to her and told her that I had absolutely no interest in speaking with her right now (while fighting back tears) and she walked away. I was pissed the fuck off because I deserved more than to hear of this via facebook...some common courtesy would have been nice in waiting until Kari had the chance to talk to me at work. I cried all day on the phones at work, and finally confronted Kari. I told her that I was pissed off about finding out that way. I told her that she shouldn't have hooked us up if she knew she still had feelings for him. I told her how much she hurt me. She apologized, saying that Rob changed his relationship status in the middle of the night and she didn't know (although she accepted it and "liked" his gushy fucking status update). She said that she never meant for things to end this way...I told her that she lost a friend. I ended up leaving work early...I just couldn't hold it together. I went over to Sarah's and had a field day with their punching bag and a stick. I used the thing like a bat and beat the hell out of the bag until tears were streaming down my face and I couldn't breathe anymore. It's over. I've given my Magic cards away to Rob's friend Andy, I've removed both Kari and Rob from any/all friends lists, I'm DONE.
Here's the part where I beat myself up, get depressed and feel sorry for myself. Do feel free to skip this paragraph if you are tired of my drivel. I am so far beyond hurt right now. I am tired of being the girl who helps men realize how much in love they are with SOMEONE ELSE. I am tired of getting to know people, letting them into my life, and getting dumped on. I deserve to be loved. I deserve it because I am a good person. I deserve it because I spend so much energy and love on the people around me. I deserve it because I have been shit on one too many times. Anyone who knows me is going to read this and think "What the FUCK?!?!?! AGAIN?!?!". Because they KNOW! Those who truly love me and know me know that I do not deserve this bullshit in my life. I'm honestly not sure whether I should just give up now or whether there's something bigger for me out there. It's hard to believe that there's something bigger for me out there...I have a laundry list of men who have dragged me through the mud. A laundry list of women who have betrayed me. I now have 2 "threepeats"...I have been saying that I'll never date another Mike because of my history. 3 Mikes and you're out. I now have my 3 Robs...Hoppenjans, Miserendino and Sloan. Sounds like a law firm. I am so done.
I will figure this out...I will be a big girl and I will put on a happy face. I will be cordial to Kari at work. I will leave Rob alone and not stalk him like I'm known to do, LOL. I just want both of them out of my life so I can start over. I can't think about the kids...I'll cry. I do wish them luck. I fear that history will repeat itself and Kari will fuck him over once again. But I guess that's really none of my business...I just want a change. I don't ever want to go through this bullshit again. I'm sure I'll get my feelings hurt again before I find the One...I refuse to let this take control of my life or my emotions. I will get over this in the most healthy way possible. I will come out better on the other side. And maybe someday I'll get what I actually deserve...which is a guy who can't see himself with anyone but me.
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