Mental Upchuck.

I have the insane urge to blog, because some epiphanies have recently come to light and I was thinking about them earlier. Maybe it will help if I put pen to paper, so to speak.

I recently had a huge argument with my brother, John. Basically, I was tired of taking care of Mom by myself, and I called him on the fact that he wasn't helping. 2 Fridays in a row, my oldest friend Jamie came over to help me clean out Mom's bedroom and the spare room upstairs. Jamie is married, has 2 young kids and both of her parents are on dialysis. She has a very busy life, yet took time out of her day off to come help me. She even came the next Friday, and cleaned out the garage while I was at the hospital with Sarah (a story for another blog!). Anyway, after the first 2 Fridays of cleaning, Jamie and I made the decision to tackle the garage the next week. I texted John and asked if he would be willing to help, and he reminded me that he was going to Chicago. I suddenly remembered that he was going on vacation, and that I was responsible for picking up his dog that Friday on top of cleaning out the garage...and I lost it. I reminded him how busy Jamie is and that she is helping me. Jus' sayin'. (The exact text was almost exactly the last 2 sentences.) Within minutes, my phone rang. For the next 4-5 minutes, John screamed at me. His tone never wavered from pure anger. He called me worthless, said that I was the reason Mom's health has gone downhill, accused me of spending Mom's money, cursed me up and down about the cleanliness of the house, called me a "carbon copy" of our father...it was absolutely horrible. However, I stayed calm from the moment I got on the phone with him until the moment he hung up on me. I tried talking rationally to him, and even asked him at one point why he was screaming at me when I'm the one who is frustrated at him. When we got off the phone, within 5 seconds I burst into tears. Giant, sobbing, hyperventilating tears. I called my brother Michael to tell him what happened and cool down a little bit. I remember hyperventilating into the phone, telling Mike I hated John, and basically running down what had just happened. I calmed down enough to get off the phone and tell John he could drop his dog off the next Friday...I wasn't going up there to help him. He then laid into me with a series of texts, again telling me how useless and worthless I am, how I play the martyr and do the bare minimum, and compared me to a kid with Down's Syndrome because I'm proud of the fact that I'm in school. I responded by telling him to remember our father's verbal abuse before calling me a carbon copy of him, told him to fuck off, and said, "You have been physically and verbally abusive to me since I can remember" and told him that I wouldn't have anything to do with him anymore.

That was a little over a month ago.

Now that I have had time to think about what happened, a lot of things have come to light. I have a history of abusive men in my past, mostly verbal abuse. We're not talking about calling me fat or ugly (which, to me, was the norm in my elementary years), but full-on verbal abuse. I remember John calling me worthless and useless when I was a kid. He also hit me more than a few times, and scared the shit out of me. 6'5" is really tall to a little girl, and he intimidated the shit out of me with his size. One time in particular, I remember standing in my room (8-9 years old) and him standing in the doorway. I don't remember what caused the argument, but I was crying and he was red-faced and inches from my face. It was at that moment that I noticed how electric blue his eyes were, and I've never forgotten it. I remember him screaming at me, then hitting me on the head. John and I never got along for some reason, and it almost seems like he resents me.

John and Dad have their own, separate, non-relationship. I don't remember them ever being close or being on speaking terms, other than around the time of John's wedding in 2001. A specific memory I have of John and Dad comes from when I was VERY little, probably no older than 5. We had recently moved into the house on Manderlay, and I remember walking into Mom and Dad's room and seeing John sitting on their toilet fully clothed with blood running down his shirt and Dad yelling at him. John had some terrible nosebleeds as a kid and teenager, so I always thought that he had a nosebleed and that Dad was yelling at him for bleeding on the carpet or something asinine like that. Earlier this year, I kinda put 2+2 together and asked Michael and he said that Dad socked John in the face that day and that's why he was bleeding. I was very surprised, though not surprised at all. I also remember someone's back going through the downstairs hallway wall...whether it was John or Mike I don't know, and whether it was play or someone getting pushed out of anger also escapes me. Since I've blocked it out, I'm going to assume it was someone getting pushed out of anger. Anyway...John did not speak to Dad for a very long time, and hasn't spoken to Dad since after his wedding. The fact is, our father was physically abusive toward John and probably verbally abusive as well (judging by the screaming). Our father has also been verbally abusive and physically intimidating toward me. He has backed me into corners while screaming at me, frightening me in my adult years.

I have put up with verbal abuse my whole life. At one point, I even considered it normal. I wondered why the other chubby girls in my class had friends...I was used to having no friends at school and being called fat every single day. I remember kids in elementary and middle school telling me I should kill myself. (Wow, this is really getting deep...) Besides being called fat, ugly and useless, I knew the only thing I had going for myself was my brain. I was smarter than all of the kids in my class, and in a way I used school to escape from my problems. Sad when the place that is your refuge is the place you get picked on the most...even my best friend at the time would have nothing to do with me when we were at school. I often thought of running away and also had thoughts of "if I died they'd be sorry...". I was a very, very sad and lonely little girl. My Mom was always there for me, showing me fun wherever it was available and going out of her way to build me up. But she had her own issues with self-esteem and weight, and she couldn't help me as much as I needed it.

As I got older, I used sex to gain attention from guys because I didn't realize how worthy of love I am. I could tell a million stories of men who intimidated me into bed, men who used me, men who verbally assaulted me and 2 in particular who sexually assaulted me. I have run the gamut of dating and sex, and it wasn't until I met Derek that I realized how awful I was allowing myself to be treated.

AA was a whole 'nother story. How much ego-crushing can this damaged little girl take??? I wish I would have known at the time that I needed an ego BOOST, not an ego SMASHING. James, in particular, was a "carbon copy" (to use John's words...) of John and I even told him that. He had the same way of tearing a person down slowly. As I made my exit from AA, James was one of the prime factors in my final "rock bottom" emotionally. He sent me emails, again calling me useless and telling me that nobody loved me in California and that I should just move home to KY. After being friends with him for 7 years, James knew every button to push and did it with gusto. Another man I loved (deeply, as a friend), another verbally abusive ending to an ego-smashing friendship. He never tried to build me up...not really anyway. His prime focus was making himself feel better by tearing me down. He fucked me over multiple times (him skipping out on the apartment we shared and the rent being the prime example) and I kept going back to him pseudo-friendship. Sick, sick, sick.

Since I've been home in KY, obviously life has gotten a lot better. These have been the best couple of years of my life. I know acceptance, and I know love. My self-esteem has risen DRAMATICALLY, and I finally know what kind of person I really am and how worthy I am of the love that is shown to me. Sometimes I get anxious about people caring so much or doing good things for me, because that little girl is still somewhere inside me telling me I don't deserve it. But I do. I have turned into a pretty amazing woman, if I do say so myself. Sometimes I fight myself, but most of the time I remember my worth. I have real friends today...friends that will be seen with me in public and value my friendship. They like me for who I am...not what I can give them or my blood alcohol content. My family has been amazing, with the exception of John. He has his moments, but they are few and far between and they aren't enough to make up for the wrongs he has done me.

Mom went to look at a condo last week, and had all of the family (except Derek, who was at the doctor with pneumonia) look at it. John didn't say a word to me the whole time...didn't even look me in the eye. He also didn't say a word to Maggie or Evelyn, and Evelyn apparently was quite upset on the way home wondering why John was mad at her. He doesn't realize that he is burning his bridges just like our father. I'm trying to look forward to our first family dinner in Mom's new place, but I can't help but think of the tension and underlying irritability that's going to be there.

At least I know what the problem is, and I'm looking for solutions so that I don't do the same thing to my kids...

Busy Life

Hey folks!

Those who remember my MySpace will remember when I used to blog nearly every day. Sometimes twice a day. I have been so damn busy, however, that it's just not possible anymore! Life is moving full-speed ahead and I am keeping up quite nicely.

The biggest news I have to share is that Derek and I are moving! He has been living here with Mom and me since New Years Day. It's been wonderful, but it's time for us to get out on our own. His mom found a house on craigslist that ended up being a perfect fit for us, and we've just signed the first year's lease! Our landlord is going to Columbus for graduate school, and will be gone for at least 3 years. When he graduates and moves on to Oregon, we will have the option to buy the house. :-) We move in on September 19th, and I have been a busy bee trying to prepare for our next step. Most of the furniture has been purchased, and we're now trying to pull together all of the little stuff. It's a shame that I had to sell/give away all of my stuff when I moved from CA, or we would be much better prepared. Derek's divorce is moving right along...all of the paperwork is filled out and he has the money to file...unfortunately we found out yesterday that one of the forms has been updated and he has to have his whore of an ex fill it out before he can file. It was a frustrating moment, but I have every reason to believe that it will work out fine and he will be a legally free man very soon. Stupid court system.

School is going fine. Grades for last semester were just posted today. I have a snafu to work out with my English teacher, but I should end up with B's in both of my classes. My English teacher was out for the last 2 weeks of the semester having a heart valve replaced, and somehow didn't receive my research paper. The damn paper was a pain in the ass--I didn't read the syllabus correctly and thought it was supposed to be 6000 words. I got to 3500 and thought, "Gee, I really can't seem to make this any longer! WTF is wrong?!" Turns out that the paper was only supposed to be 1600 words and I WAY overdid it. I spent a day editing it down, and still only got it down to 3000 words. Oh well...hopefully it will make up for the one paper that I didn't do at all. :-p Next semester I'll be taking Intro to the Health Care System, Psychology, and Science Math. I needed another psychology class like I need a hole in the head, but fortunately Derek and I are taking the class together so that will keep me motivated. The book is ridiculously put together...makes no sense whatsoever...and I'm hoping that I can remember most of what I've learned in my previous 3 GenEd psych classes.

I passed the skills portion of my STNA test the second time around! I am now registered and able to work. I have been putting in tons of applications, and haven't heard a thing back, but I'm hopeful that something will come along soon.

Sarah and Erik are eagerly awaiting little Lucy's arrival. Her due date is the 3rd, and she's ready to pop at any minute. I can't WAIT!!! She's going to be an amazing little girl. I'll be sure to update when it finally happens.

I suppose that's all for now...

Summer.

I had some time to sit in front of the computer and blog...rather, I am procrastinating on writing an English paper. But I thought I'd type out a little update since it's been far too long since I've blogged. Everything is still going wonderfully. It's been a whirlwind couple of months, so I'll try to condense it. :-)

School is going great. I took my state STNA test and passed the written portion with a 91%, however I failed the skills portion and will need to retake it. One little mistake on one skill was enough to fail me, and I promise you I wasn't happy when I received my results. Either way, I'm going to take the skills portion again and pass with flying colors, then land myself a job so I can finally get my foot in the door! This semester of school has been really interesting. I started off the semester enrolled in 3 classes...Sociology, which I understood to be a hybrid web/lecture class, English 1002, and Science Math (to get me ready for Chemistry). The first day of classes, I found out the Sociology class IS a hybrid web/lecture class, but it was also a 4 week long accelerated class. That kinda blew my mind, because although I do remember a lot from my 2 previous Sociology classes I realized I'd need to shove all the info down in a brief 4 weeks. The math class ended up being more than I bargined for, so I dropped it and will retake it next term. It was definitely a wise decision on my part, because the past 4 weeks of Sociology have taken a lot of work!!! English is going okay...I haven't gotten the grade for my first paper yet and my second paper is due tomorrow. It's moving pretty fast, but I'm keeping up when I can get past the "fuck-it's". Don't get me wrong, I am still totally in love with school. I'm just ready to move on to biology and anatomy, and I'm sick of gen-ed classes already. :-) Next term I'll take Psychology online (which I can probably do standing on my head--I've taken so much psychology it's pretty much engraved in my brain at this point) and Science Math. It's been fun planning my courses and figuring out the quickest way to get a nursing degree. I realize it's going to take a VERY long time, but it's going to be SO worth it in the end.

Ohey, I forgot...I turned 30. :-) My birthday was awesome. Derek and I went camping in Franklin County, Indiana the week before my birthday, and that was my big present. It was so great...we got a bunch of camping gear, loaded it in the van, and got a SUPER remote spot in this park. We went canoeing the second day, and it was awesome!! I had never been canoeing before, and it had been years for Derek. We flipped the canoe 5 times during the 8 mile stretch of river we went down, and I was scared to death the first 3. LOL! It ended up being an amazing time, and I'm so glad we got the chance to get away. It was the perfect birthday present from my most amazing boyfriend. The week AFTER my birthday, Sarah took me to see 311 and Sublime with Rome! Our birthdays are exactly 2 weeks apart, and we decided to do something on the week between. Despite the scorching hot weather, it was an awesome show and the memories are priceless. All in all, turning 30 has been pretty damn good. I don't really feel any different, but I do feel like I'll never get to plead youth for any of my mistakes again. Not that I've been making many mistakes recently but...ya know what I'm sayin'.

There is definitely more to write about, but I'm going to get off the computer and get ready for bed. Busy day tomorrow with school, and I guess I'll be writing that paper before class! :-p

Update!

It's been nearly three months since I've updated...I'm being a terrible blogger. *shame*

First things first...I am officially back in school! I'm taking English, a mandatory "surviving college" class, the CNA course, and a one-day CPR class (which is this coming Saturday). I am having a blast with school. It feels good to sit in a classroom again. I am learning so much, especially in my CNA class. The class is 4 hours twice a week, so they cram a lot of stuff into my brain at once. My grades are fantastic...I haven't had anything graded for my English class yet but I'm ROCKING the CNA class. I have a mid-term on Thursday and I'm hoping to ace it too. I'm officially in the nursing program, which is a huge thing for me. My major has changed, and I like it! I have a TON of prerequisites to do before I can take my first nursing class, and currently there is a 2 year wait-list for the nursing classes. I may switch schools if this doesn't remedy itself...but we'll see what happens down the road. I've got 1 math, 1 more English, 2 biology, 2 chemistry, 1 microbiology and 2 anatomy classes to take before I can even get on the wait-list, so I feel a bit defeated. I am also debating on whether or not to get my transcript from EKU and get my psychology and sociology transferred. The nursing program requires 2 psychology classes, but if I transfer my credits from EKU I may run into a problem with my financial aid. We'll see what happens with that...I'll be researching. Anyway, school is going FANTASTIC and I'm loving every second.

Sarah is now 6 months pregnant, and is having a little girl! She has been miserable and sick the whole time (poor thing) but we are all eagerly awaiting little Lucy's arrival. Sarah's episode of Who Wants to be a Millionaire is slotted to air March 25, yay! I can't wait to see her on national TV, showing the world that being a geek pays off! Also, their 1 year anniversary is coming up! SO much has happened in the past year, it's hard to believe. I'm so happy for Erik especially...3 marriages and this is his first anniversary. He deserves it more than anyone I know.

Mom had a trial spinal stimulator. It did not go well. The procedure itself was excruciatingly painful for her, and the stimulator didn't end up reaching the places her pain affects most. It was a total bust, and we were heartbroken. Next on the list of things to try is a pain pump. On the bright side, her final mediation for her lawsuits is on June 2nd. I hope she gets everything she deserves and more. Her pain and suffering is immeasurable, and her lost wages and medical costs are worth a couple million, easily. I hope she bankrupts the whole practice. She deserves it. This was supposed to be the prime of her life, and she is completely disabled and unable to do anything she dreamed of (especially traveling). I hope this lawsuit ends up making all of us very comfortable, and providing for mom for the rest of her life. 5 years after her original injury, and nearly 5 years after the pressure ulcer that almost killed her, she will finally get justice from the medical community that failed one of their own.

Derek and I are still very happy and very much in love. <3 Day to day life with him is so much fun, and I love how we function as a couple. Everything is very easy, just as people told me it would be. We're looking forward to moving into our own place...we've got a good deal on rent here but the commute to Blue Ash is killing Derek. Besides that, we want a place of our OWN where we are completely alone. He is working hard toward a dissolution with his ex...she has not really been cooperating with the whole thing but they're supposed to get together this weekend. *crosses fingers* Given my history, I will be really happy to have a boyfriend is legally divorced. I went through the wringer with Justin, and with Rob. Derek and I are going to be together for the rest of our lives (you can count on it!) and I really think that someday we are going to look back on this time in our lives and laugh our asses off. Dawn WHO? :-p

That's all for now. I really am going to try to blog more often. But I say that every time...

Things are awesome.

I made one HUGE error in my last blog entry...I forgot to mention that BFF Sarah and Erik are expecting a BABY!!! She is 12 weeks now and I am beyond excited for them. They are going to make great parents. I have already been looking at baby clothes and can't wait to get a hold of some more yarn to knit Baby Coons some fabulous stuff. I am so happy I get to go through this with Sarah and be a part of the process. I got to see the baby at Sarah's first ultrasound, and I was a MESS, LOL! As soon as I saw the heartbeat, my eyes filled up with tears and overflowed with pure joy for my best friend and her husband. It was an amazing moment. After everything we've been through together, this is just another milestone in our lives and our friendship. Expect Baby Coons to arrive on or around September 3, 20111!

I need to get my high school transcript and take a placement test for Cincinnati State, and then I am officially accepted! I absolutely cannot wait to get back in school. First of all, I need to get my mind moving again. The thought of sitting in a class taking notes and soaking up knowledge gets me so excited I can't see straight. Then there is the fact that I will be fully employable at the end of June. This brings a sigh of relief and melts the stress away! After I am certified, I will basically have my pick of jobs. There are several hospitals in the area, a gazillion nursing homes and several home-heath care agencies. Everyone is hiring. Healthcare is the place to be in this crazy economy, I tell ya. Anyway, after I become a CNA, I will probably end up going to nursing school. I will most likely end up working in a nursing home or for a home-health company. That is where I'll start, and see if I'm tough enough for the job. It's hard to deal with people who are dying...it's not a job for just anyone. I have a little bit of experience in that area and need to know whether it's something I can pursue. I already know I can't deal with kids--too emotionally taxing. In my mind, my mother is one of the true angels of the healthcare field. I mean...kids with cancer??? Whew...it takes a really special person. Now that I'm an adult and going into healthcare, I am beginning to understand how difficult that job must have been for her sometimes. Blows my mind.

Speaking of mom, she is doing okay. She was denied coverage for her trial spinal implant, and this obviously upsets her a lot. Her pain doctor is already working on an appeal. Basically, they said that they hadn't tried EVERYTHING yet. Bastards. They've had her on Vicodin, Lyrica, Percocet, she's tried morphine...NOW WHAT??? I don't understand what is so complicated about *permanent* *chronic* *pain*. It is a spinal cord injury! Good LORD! The least they can do is give her a damn trial to see if it works. I'll keep the class updated on this situation... she is at her wits end with the pain and this implant could be the one thing that takes it all away.

I am a little more in love every day. I can't say enough about Derek and how great he is to me every single day. It gets better and better, and I can't wait for the future. We have so many plans and goals and things to work towards, and I can honestly see spending the rest of my life with him. He comforts me like nobody can (except Sarah and my mom). We are absolutely perfect for each other and all I can say is IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME!! Before we met, I was at a point where I thought there was no man for me. I tried everything I could. Every social circle, every demographic, every way of meeting new people that I could think of. I was exhausted, and when I first heard from Derek I debated on whether or not this was even worth it...no sense in putting time and effort into another guy who is going to run off in a month. I was "blah" about the whole thing right up until our first date. I liked him...don't get me wrong. But I was terrified of being rejected again and insisted on playing it cool. And of course...I have fallen in love with a man who loves me right back. We've been together for 4 months and have been living together for 2, but everything is right on track. To some it may seem that things are moving fast, but they're moving at OUR pace. We're deliriously happy, and neither of us is going anywhere for a LONG time I hope. Love is grand, fo sho.

Ch-ch-changes...

Everything is fantastic. 2011 is off to a great start!

--I went to court for my stop sign/registration ticket, and the judge dismissed the registration charge after I explained my situation! WOOT! So I have about $150 to pay and that's it.

--I applied to Cincinnati State yesterday! They have a 10 week course to become a Nurse Assistant, and after the state exam I can be a CNA! I plan to work part time until school starts in April (to pay the bills), then financial aid will be my best friend. After the semester and exam, I can work part-time as a CNA and make a really good amount of money while going for my LPN. I don't know if I necessarily want to go all the way and become an RN...it's a lot of schooling and I have already delayed myself so much. Only time will tell, but I feel really good about the fact that I get to go back to school. I spent hours on the website last night fretting about taking a placement test because I have ZERO math skills. I'd like to think I remember elementary algebra, but the fact is I haven't used it since high school and didn't really care to begin with. I looked at some of the practice questions for the placement exam, and I'll be okay until they get past elementary algebra. I'm going to need some math, especially if I want to go any further than CNA. :-P Anyway, that's the only thing that I'm worried about! I filled out a FAFSA too and I'll be eligible for some serious financial aid so hopefully I can actually live on it for a while. I am BEYOND excited about it!

--Things with Derek are spectacular. We had great Christmases together with our families, and he spent his week off between Christmas and New Years at my house. After that week, he decided to go ahead and make Florence his temporary home until we can get a place together. We are so in love it's ridiculous! I feel so lucky to have him in my life...he's more than I ever could have asked for. He treats me like a queen, he's affectionate, funny, intelligent...all of the things I ever hoped for. I love his family and they love me back, which is really important because his family are his best friends. He has been helpful around the house, which pleases Mom...plus he keeps ME happy so everybody wins. Our relationship has been official for 3 months today, and I honestly think I could handle a lifetime. It's easy. We have so much in common and so many common goals that I don't see us ever really arguing. He is really supportive of me heading back to school, and it means so much to me! He's the one I've been looking for... :-)

--Dad had a "growth" removed from his throat on the 12th. He will get the results of the testing they did on it on Friday. Here's hoping it was nothing...

--Mom has been doing okay...her spirits have been better since Derek has been living with us. Also, she's going to get a trial implant in early February! Hopefully this will work, because nothing else has. She's been doing okay with some cooking and washing dishes, but all of the cleaning still falls on my shoulders. I really hope this implant works for her!