Frustrated.

ZOMG, the 2nd batch of creampuffs came out AWESOME!

Finished product.

I just don't understand why one person would have to suffer so much. Not me...my Mom. I don't understand why, after everything she's been through and all of the good things she's done, she is in almost constant pain and is forced to suffer every day. This is a woman who worked for 26 years as a nurse for children with cancer. If that doesn't make you look up to her...nothing will. Since I've been back in KY, I've been to several Dr appts with her and I get more frustrated every time. Very long story cut very very short, she bent over on Mother's Day 2006 to put her shoes on and go to work (she was on-call) and blew out her back. She immediately lost bladder control and feeling below her waist. The hospital she went to for emergency care lost her MRI results for 3 days, making the nerve damage worse. She had surgery, and it was determined that she has Cauda Equina Syndrome caused by trauma. That's bad enough...RIGHT? You'd think so. She also suffered a stage IV pressure ulcer (bedsore) on her tailbone, where she ended up hours from death from septic shock. She was in the hospital from May-June 2006, then again from July-October. Today, we went to her primary care dr...the dr I've been seeing since I was a tiny kid. Here's the point of the whole damn thing...I'm tired and sad of hearing the words "chronic", "lifetime" and "permanent" in regards to my Mom's condition. I'm especially tired of hearing of all of the pain medication that she's going to be on for the rest of her life. My Mom is not a perfect person by a long stretch, but she has been mostly good in her lifetime and deserves more than this. She has lost her parents, lost 2 of her 3 sisters, she has been a single mother to 3 kids, worked her ass off to provide for us...and now that she's 56 years old and *almost* retirement age she's stuck in a bed in the living room of her house. There are so many things she wanted to do...going to Greece was at the top of the list. Now, getting her to Greece would be nearly impossible because she simply can't sit for more than an hour at a time. It's not fair. She should be still working (just a few more years!) and saving for her retirement and her travel. She was never much of a dancer, but she has said in the past few years that she's sad she'll never dance at my wedding (or Maggie's...or Evelyn's...). She had just as much life in her as Cioci Denise did before she got really sick the last time--she WANTS to do these things and is a prisoner of her body. She's depressed almost all the time...the only time I can tell she's really happy is when her grandkids are around. She cries at least once a week...it's heartbreaking and completely unfair. I cry when I think about what my Mom's life used to be like, and the things she should be doing now. I barely remember how she used to walk, which devastates me. Flat-footed with a walker is how she gets around now, or in a wheelchair. Anyway...I don't really talk much about how I feel about this situation and I think I need to blog more. It's hard for me to talk about it all because I have no answers and I can't fix it. I feel like when I talk about it, I'm bitching. Maybe it's my own failure to adapt...I don't know. Now, rather than keeping it inside or trying to talk to people that may not understand...I'm gonna bitch about it in my blog. After all, that's what it's for, right? :-p

Yesterday was fun...Sarah and I decided to make homemade creampuffs from scratch. The first batch came out kinda flat and we couldn't really fill them with anything, but the second batch came out BEAUTIFUL! We filled them with sugar-free vanilla pudding and some with raspberry preserves and then covered them in chocolate...MY OH MY. Yummy and relatively healthy. I'm having another getaway with Sarah and her folks this week...SO EXCITED! It'll just be a couple of days, but it's going to be so relaxing. I actually have some exciting things coming up...besides my little getaway, I'm going to a wool festival with some people from the knitting group on the 20th, the Rebel Brigade Alumni Night (which I still plan on attending) is the 25th, Sarah & Erik's official housewarming party is on the 26th, and Mom is talking about me driving her to NY again the first week of Oct. I'm hoping for the 2nd week, as there is this turkey shoot thing that several of my friends are going to on Oct. 5th. (I don't think it actually involves shooting turkeys.) Life is in full session. I'm proud and happy for Mike--He got a new job which will be less stressful on him and will allow us slightly more time to hang out. This new job is going to change a lot of things for the positive in his life, and I am so happy for him! Socially, everything is going really well. I feel like I have real friends and people who care about me. There are still a lot of people to get to know, but as of right now I feel I have a good handle on who is good to hang out with and who isn't.

Call me what you will, but I walked away with 2 fantastic books from the library today. Since I've never been a big fan of fiction (basically anything too far-fetched is a no-no for me), I picked up "Sybil", which I have never read but I have seen the movie. I'm embarrassed to say I've never read it, as a psychology major and someone who thinks Dissociative Identity Disorder is fascinating. I also picked up "How We Die: Reflections on Life's Final Chapter" which I am looking forward to reading right away. There is so much to learn...Now that I have actually been exposed to death as a part of life and have the knowledge that there are actually many steps involved in both our bodies and minds, I want to learn as much as I can. Since I've been helping with Julie, I've been thinking a lot about what direction I want to take with my career. Do I want to be a psychologist, or do I want to be a caregiver? What are the pros and cons of each option? Can I really handle a job that would require me to care for people with chronic and fatal conditions? How emotionally involved will I get? There are a lot of questions. Either way I decide to go, the book on death is going to help me.

That's it for now...sorry if this whole post has been a bit disjointed and kerbobbled. (Yes, I said kerbobbled.) It was more stream-of-conscience than anything. ;-)

I need to update more often!

It's only been a week since I last posted and I have plenty to talk about...this must mean that the "unemployment zombie" days are over and life is back in full swing! At least it is for a little while, and that's a good thing. I like staying busy.

My back is still pretty messed up from Julie's fall...I'm not sure what's wrong but when Mike massaged my back last night it was hurting right in my spine. Hmmmph. It's a combination of my spine and the left lower muscle and it hurts like a bitch. I've been taking ibuprofen and resting it a lot, so hopefully I'll be 100% soon.

Thursday was the Rebel Brigade preview show. I was really super excited because I hadn't seen the band perform since 2000. Things have changed a lot this year...the band is no longer competitive. I could go on forever about my memories with colorguard, but I have a few things that will always stick with me. 1-Traditions. All of them, and there were many. 2-Getting fitted for my uniform/costume every year. 3-Getting "prettied up" before every competition. 4-The bus rides with my friends. (This should have been #2...it was so important.) 5-Excruciating band camps, 3 rehearsals per week (3 hours apiece), a football game on Friday and a competition Saturday. It was a full life.

So now that I've told you what I loved about marching and the memories that come to me most fondly and most often...let me tell you what is going on now. *Deep Breath* The band marched onto the field in tracksuits and ballcaps. The colorguard wore the same tracksuits as the band. No pretty costumes for them. :-( They walked onto the field. No marching. No huddle. Maybe they did it before they marched on...I dunno. Their first show was a Michael Jackson tribute, which I was really excited about. I was definitely expecting "college band" out of the Rebel Brigade this year...and that's kinda what I got. I was devestated. The guard carried the same flags for the whole show. The least number of flags I ever remember having was 2, and a swing flag. So...they had one. :-( During the second show (same flags, BTW) which was a Blues Brothers show, a band member or 2 actually laid on the field and played for almost a whole song!! No exhaustion for them, LOL! I find this funny because we were never allowed to put our butts on the ground for any reason while we were rehearsing, and there they were in front of me playing their trumpets (or whatever) while lounging on the ground! LOL! Anyway, I was just really sad about the whole thing. I am sad that the kids won't know the thrill of hearing "Boone County High School Rebel Brigade, you may now take the field for competition!". Or of standing out in the freezing cold when awards time comes. I'm sad they won't know what it's like to put on such an awesome uniform with buckles and straps and doo-dads and put on their white pants instead of the grey because they're going to finals. I'm sad that the colorguard isn't PERFORMING. Colorguards dance and spin and toss...they're responsible for ACTING OUT what is going on with the music. This colorguard was doing drop spins and figure-8's and standing still half of the time. I CRIED! I understand that the money just isn't there for the school, and it hurts to see a program that shaped me so much end up like this. If I were a millionaire...

Things with Mike and I are great. The more I get to know him, the more I like him. We crack each other up, and I think we may never run out of things to talk about. We went out last night, and had a good dinner and some great conversation. We came back here and I got a massage (Oh thank you God for bringing me a boyfriend who will massage me when my back hurts. Thankyouthankyouthankyou.) and we talked a lot. I like him so much, it's unbelievable. And he has shown me in several ways that he likes me just as much as I like him. We're still taking things very slow, and I'm pretty happy with that. He is so different from the other guys I've dated in the past...first of all, he cares that I have a brain. That's so comforting. He thinks with the head on his shoulders and that is definitely different. Yet he's incredibly snuggly and likes to kiss. He literally makes me shiver when he touches me. He knows this and does it on purpose, I think. :-P He makes me feel safe and pretty...and tiny! All of that being said, I could go on and on. Let's just put it this way...I feel like a very lucky girl.

I saw Julie today...I went over there and Joy pulled out one of her old flags. I hadn't spun in about 7-8 years, so I immediately went to their backyard to spin a little. Joy asked me if I would spin for Julie, and I was like HELL YEAH I WILL!! LOL! I had to leave and go to the store, but I went back over there after dinner. Joy and Ted brought Julie outside and I spun for her. She loved it. I think she was just amused that I didn't hit myself over the head, haha! She ended up with a bruise on her knee after her fall with me on Monday...I was soooooo upset with myself, but Joy reassured me that these things have happened before and it's no biggie. She's still having problems eating and drinking, which is really worrying me.

There are a million other little things I could write about, but I'm worn out. I'll update again soon...life keeps happening.