Brian George Davies 4/27/1952--4/17/2012

Anyone who actually reads this already knows what the past few months have been like.  I've been hellaciously busy with school, work, wedding plans, grief, trying to take care of myself, and trying to have a social life all at once.  I finally have a chance to sit in front of my computer and write, edit, and re-edit before posting.  I'm weird like that.

First, and most importantly, my life has been changed forever.  On April 4th, my father went to the hospital 2 days after having symptoms of a heart attack.  He had been getting dressed and was suddenly short of breath and having chest pains.  He went outside to get help from a neighbor, and collapsed.  I don't know how long he was there, but eventually his neighbor came and offered to call an ambulance.  My stubborn father refused, and went about his day.  I spoke to him later that day, and was obviously very concerned.  I begged him to go to the hospital, citing my upcoming wedding and my inability to see my wedding without him.

He went to the hospital 2 days later, and tests indicated that he did have a heart attack.  Considering he had been struggling with congestive heart failure and circulatory issues for at least 10 years, and already had at least one heart attack, this was not a surprise.  When he was in Cincinnati in Oct-Nov, I was shocked by how much water weight he put on and his unwillingness to take is medication or eat anything remotely healthy.  Apparently, by the time he got to the hospital, he had 50-70 lbs of water weight.  He gurgled when he spoke, due to the water in and around his lungs.  He coughed and couldn't catch his breath.  It was absolutely terrifying to listen to him.  After much consideration and thought by his medical team, it was decided that he would have an angiogram to see what kind of blockages they were dealing with.

The angiogram was done on April 6th, and it was decided that he needed a stent in one of his arteries.  Surgery went well, though doctors said that he needed to give up smoking and start living healthier because there were no more surgeries they could do.

I spoke to my father that night.  I begged him to stop smoking.  He said the following, "You're why I'm here. I'm here because you wanted me to go to the hospital."  We finished our conversation, said our, "I love you"s, and got off the phone.

At some point during the night, he started asking, then demanding to be let outside for a cigarette.  Mind you, this is a man who just had cardiac surgery less than 12 hours before.  He was repeatedly told NO, and he got himself so worked up that he went into cardiac arrest.  His heart stopped multiple times over the course of 3 hours.  They put him on a ventilator immediately, but if the heart is not pumping there is nowhere for the oxygen to go.  Eventually, he stabilized though he stayed on the vent.

The next few days were spent waiting, hoping that he could/would breathe on his own.  He could never quite get enough breath volume to do it though.  We waited, and waited, and waited some more.  Meanwhile, doctors were trying to figure out if his brain had been damaged from lack of oxygen during his cardiac arrests.  He would open his eyes, squeeze hands, and move his fingers and toes.  He was easily agitated, though, so they kept him asleep as much as possible.

As the days dragged on, I started losing hope.  I was in the middle of the cardiac chapter in Bio 3 when this happened, and realized that the damage to his heart was not reversible.  I work with a patient who has brain damage from a lack of oxygen from cardiac arrest, and shuddered to think of my dad's life being that way.

But I didn't care.  I didn't care if he was in a wheelchair or couldn't remember anything...if he had a trach...I just wanted my dad at my wedding to walk me down the aisle.

Eventually, most people who are on a ventilator for an extended time develop pneumonia.  This happened to my dad, and it was expected that he would heal in a few days.  My concern, however, became pure panic on April 17th.  10 days on the ventilator, and the pneumonia was so bad that he lost all blood pressure.  There was a conference call between Gloria, Mike, Uncle Warren, and several doctors that day, discussing what would become of dad once the infection cleared up.  It was decided that he would get a tracheotomy and be moved to long term care (ie: nursing home) to recover and see where to go from there.  Nobody could tell how much damage was done to his brain because they couldn't do an MRI.  They would have had to take him out of sedation, and my father was extremely claustrophobic.  To have him awake in an MRI would have meant his death, because he was so fragile and so afraid of enclosed spaces.

My stress hit an all-time peak, and I spent quite a lot of time that day crying on the phone to whoever would listen.  I feared that I was going to lose my father, and everyone I spoke to tried to calm and reassure me.

After I got home from work that day, I got a call from my brother Mike.  He said that a palliative nurse tried to get a hold of Gloria, that there was some sort of emergency but they couldn't tell him what was going on.  After an hour of trying to contact Gloria, I called the hospital and demanded information.  He had another cardiac arrest, but was stable for the moment.  I got word that Gloria was on her way to the hospital, so I decided to try to relax.  By that time, Derek was home to do damage control and hold my pieces together.

Shortly after 9pm, I got another call from Mike.  I'll never forget this conversation as long as I live.  "It happened again, his heart stopped...they tried to get him back, but Dad passed a little before 9."  I remember hearing "Dad passed" and going completely numb from head to toe, while taking a heavy breath in.  For that one moment in time, I was completely speechless and devastated.  I asked Mike to call John, and said that I would call Mom and Brianna.  After we got off the phone, I remember turning immediately to Derek and falling into him, without a word, and I began to sob.  It was an uncontrollable, purely primal sob and scream that I don't ever want to hear come out of my mouth again.  I remember sobbing into his chest, sobbing "no" over and over again, and he held me tighter than I've ever been held.  Eventually I decided to calm myself down enough to call people.  I called my mom first, then Jamie, then Sarah...before finally calming myself enough to call Brianna.  When I told her, all I heard was a tortured scream and then the phone disconnected.  I tried over and over to get her back on the phone but my sweet sister was trying to get herself together enough to get a ride home from work.

I don't think I've ever cried so much.  Over the next month, it took everything I had not to break down while doing normal things.  I took 2 weeks off from wedding planning, as I just couldn't bear to think of my wedding without my dad.  I asked John and Mike to walk me down the aisle, they said yes, and I cried some more.  Going to work, going to school, and trying to have fun with Derek and our families distracted me just enough.  I'm still very emotionally unstable, and I cry at the drop of a hat over the silliest things.

My life has changed forever.  He may not have been the perfect father, but he was mine.  He died 10 days before his 60th birthday, and the anger and bitterness I feel is echoed through our family.

Derek has been amazing through all of this.  When dad was in the hospital, he listened to all of my worries and comforted me.  The night he died, he held me so perfectly.  And in the following months, he has endured my mood swings and random crying fits like a champ.  I am so lucky to have such an amazing man in my life, and I can't wait to call him my husband.  We have pledged to each other that we will not put each other or our children through this--my father flat-out refused to take care of himself and it led to a very untimely death.

I cry every time I think about the wedding.  Every little girl dreams of their wedding day...being walked down the aisle and given away by their father.  For me, it's not going to happen.  I will ride in a horse-drawn carriage to be greeted by my brothers, and they will lead me to my future husband.  There will be no father-daughter dance.  My dad won't get drunk on scotch & water, nor will he pick fights with anyone.  He won't hear the announcement of my pregnancy, nor will he hold my child.  I find these things very unfair.  I deserved to have him around for many more years, and now I'm worried that my mom will die before her time, too.

I have to take better care of myself.  I've already started by getting an e-cigarette in March...I've smoked probably a pack of cigarettes since then.  It's a small victory, and not a perfect one, but it's a start.  We've started eating less red meat and more chicken, pork, and fish...that's another start.  Anything I can do to keep myself away from death's door is a welcome suggestion.  I'm scared for my mom, my brothers, Derek's mom, Derek, and myself.  We have to be good to ourselves, and if there is one lesson I've learned from all of this, that's it.

There is so much more for me to write about...but it's going to have to wait for another day.  I have almost 3 weeks off of school, so I should have time to write again.  It feels good to get all of that out into the blogosphere finally.

Big update blog.

I'm gonna go back to my journaling roots here, and bust out a long blog.  I've got a million things to talk about.  I will try to keep it entertaining.  I'm really not sure who still reads this blog, but I think I'm going to start treating it more as a diary.  It's private and can't be google searched, so I'm not worried about "stranger danger".  Anyone who would read this would be on my facebook anyway, so you already know most of the stuff that's going on in my life.  I have gotten progressively busier lately, and it's been hard to find the time to sit down and blog.  There are days when I don't even sit down at my computer at all, and you should all know that means I'm BUSY, lol!

So, let's start from the beginning.  The last time I blogged was in October, and John and I were in the middle of a huge spat.  We have since mended fences, and he's helping with wedding plans.  I was so upset and needed to blog about that so badly that I completely haven't mentioned that BFF Sarah gave birth to the most awesome baby ever on September 2, 2011.  I got a very early phone call from Sarah, and was shortly off to the hospital with her and Erik.  We got to the hospital around 7am, and Lucy Lane was born at 4:11pm.  It was a completely natural birth...the first I have witnessed firsthand.  Sarah was a champ, and Lucy has been a joy of a baby since the moment she was born.  

Here she is, probably around 1 minute old.

And here, sometime in January.

Seeing Lucy makes my uterus ache, and I'm thinking more and more about how wonderful it's going to be to finally be a mother.  I only had 3 main goals in life...get a degree, have a husband, have a child/children.  I am well on my way to becoming a wife, and you can guarantee that there will be a baby coming soon.  We have decided to start trying the first month we're married.  Derek's enthusiasm about having children only makes me happier.  I feel like a lot of things in my life are falling into place, becoming a mother is just another piece of the puzzle.

Shortly after we moved, Mom moved into a condo.  It is awesome, and perfect for her.  It's completely accessible for all of her needs, there is plenty of room, it is bright, and all-around the best possible place she can be.  She deserves it more than anyone I know, because she has really been getting shit on for the past 10 years.  She has a renewed energy and a smile I haven't seen in years.  The house on Manderlay was completely not functional for her.  She was unable to use the upstairs rooms, her bathroom was totally unsuitable for her needs, the kitchen didn't allow for much movement and the general layout not conducive to what she needs.  Also, and I don't really believe in auras, but that house was a den of sadness.  Our family lived there for 28 years, and all of the bad juju was just hanging out in the walls.  This condo has been one of the best things that has EVER happened to her.  We had christmas at her house this year instead of at John's, and I could tell that she was proud to have her family in her new home.  

Dad came to visit at the end of October.  Brianna and I picked him up from the airport, and the surprise Brianna/Dad reunion left everyone in tears.  He stayed with Derek and me for 10 days, and it was mostly good.  His health is pretty bad, and the more I learn about Cardiology and diabetes the more scared I get for him.  He has put his body through so much over the years and I am finally able to see what smoking and shitty food can do to you.  He has heart failure, and is basically permanently swollen from edema.  His legs are quite purple, and he has a hard time breathing because fluid has been accumulating in his lungs.  He coughs and cannot catch his breath, which is one of the hardest things I've ever seen.  I took his pulse, and his heart was skipping beats and overcompensating with 2 fast beats, which terrified me at the time but terrifies me even more now that I'm learning about the circulatory system.  It's hard to see a parent's body break down, but it has been a good reminder about how I need to take care of myself.  My father has abused his body and continues to abuse it through his heart disease.  At this point, it's not correctable, and that makes me sad.  I'll be seeing him again, though I don't think it will be until my wedding.

So, with all of this talk about weddings, I should probably talk a little more about our engagement and the plans we have in place.  He proposed December 14th, because apparently he just couldn't wait until christmas.  He was going to do it on christmas to throw me off (because I thought there was no way he would do it...) but he ended up proposing the same day the ring came in.  It was a hilarious, tearful, and beautiful night, and I will never forget it.  I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him.  We've decided to get married September 29th of this year, in an outdoor ceremony performed by Sarah's husband Erik.  I have a dress, bridesmaids, a flower girl, and a whole lotta other plans for a beautiful wedding.  Right now, we're trying for 175 people or less.  You never realize how many friends and family you actually have until you put them all on a list and freaking COUNT them!  We also chose a honeymoon spot that is perfect for us and we're going to have an amazing time.  We rented a cabin outside of Pigeon Forge, TN that has all of the amenities and ALL of the seclusion, yet we'll still be close enough to tour the city.  I am so excited about this honeymoon, it's ridiculous.  More than the wedding or the honeymoon, I am excited about spending the rest of my life with my perfect match.  We belong together, and every experience I've had has led me to this point.  I found the man of my dreams, and I am going to marry the everliving shit out of him.

For funsies, here is a pic of Derek and Rascal napping together.  Derek was 

sick with pneumonia, but it was a sweet moment.

I am still working for Interim, and finally back in school after a term off.  I am busier than I have been in a long time (my AA committee days).  I work M-F, have class M/W nights, and an online class too.  I'm finally getting into the science and medicine aspects of the program, and I'm loving it.  My Biology professor sucks and I'm having to do double the work because his lectures are lacking, but I'm learning a whole lot and refreshing my memory on a lot of things.  Medical Terminology is the best class I've taken in my life...I feel like it's really getting me prepared for A&P (Anatomy & Physiology).  I'm learning SO much!  The next two terms are going to suck--I basically have to finish up my 2-part pre-requisites (Biology and Chemistry) before the school switches to 12-week semesters in the fall.  Nursing school feels like it's going to take forever, but I know that it will be worth it when I'm done.  Derek officially has his Associates, and I am so proud of him!!!  He is making a better future for us, and I'm working on making a better future too.

Work is mostly boring...I have the same 2 patients during the week so it can get dull.  One of my patients, however, made things pretty interesting a couple of weeks ago when I had to take them to the hospital for some not-so-awesome reasons.  (damn you, HIPAA!!)  Basically, working homecare is NOT the best job.  I've got my foot in the door, but I'm making shit money and I'm like a "maid with benefits".  Seriously.  I do some actual STNA work like baths, skin care, and the like...but I do more dishes per day than I care to count.  I realize that my job is very important, and that these people's lives and homes would fall to shit if they didn't have an aide.  I cherish the moments I get to be on the medical side of things, and try to keep a positive attitude when I'm feeling like a maid.  I am genuinely helping people, and they are genuinely thankful.  So I guess it's not too bad.  Still, I look forward to getting my 6-10 months of homecare in and moving on to something a little more my speed.  Hopefully I can get a job at a hospital once I have some experience under my belt.

Life really is going fantastically.  I couldn't be happier.  That's pretty much all I can say!  Until next time...

I'm engaged, ya'll!

There is definitely another post coming about this, but I just thought to update the world (or my 5 readers who already knew...) that Derek and I got engaged on December 14th!  It was amazing.  Here are some pics...

We are SO HAPPY and can't wait to start our life together as husband and wife!  The tentative date for our wedding is 9/29/12, so be prepared!!!!!