Another much-needed update

Again, I have spent too much time living life to blog. :-P

The past couple of months have been really crazy. There are a million adjectives I could use (believe me I have tried) so I will just run down the different things that have been going on. This is going to be one of my more honest (and possibly graphic) posts. I have missed blogging and finally have the time to sit and dedicate myself to it for a few hours.

Mom was in the hospital for a LONG time. She had a brief stay in September, then spent most of October and November in St. Elizabeth. She had been needing a colostomy revision for quite some time. The surgery had been delayed again and again since July. (Here's that graphic part, folks.) Basically, the opening of her colostomy had scarred down to the point where the doctor could barely get a Q-Tip in it. And if the doctor can't get a Q-Tip in it, there's no way she's going to be able to have a normal bowel movement. Needless to say, things backed up. By the time we got her to the hospital the first night, her stomach was horribly distended and she was in agonizing pain. A few days later, she had her colostomy revised and all of that crap (literally) cleaned out of her, and also had her gallbladder taken out. We had no idea she even had any gall stones, but they showed up and the docs took care of them. A few days later, she ended up having another colostomy revision, and she's still having trouble. Except now, the hole is too big and she can't find appliances that fit. She's home now, but her spirits are pretty low. I would be depressed too if I were in her situation...this is a woman who loved to do a lot of things that she can't do now. She will never go to Greece. She won't dance at my, Maggie, or Evelyn's weddings. She will never be able to nurse kids with cancer again. I challenge her daily to find something about her life that is good, but sometimes even I have a hard time thinking of anything to raise her spirits. Maggie and Evelyn adore their Babu, but she can't get out and do anything with them. They positively adore her, and mom was so elated when Evelyn asked her to go to Grandparents Day at the school. Mom stuck through the whole thing even though she was in complete agony. But it seems she has more bad things in her life than good things, and she doesn't see Maggie and Evelyn enough for it to make a difference in the way she feels. Aunt Marilyn came and stayed with us for 10 days after she got out of the hospital, and I really thought that she would be able to get mom out of this funk. She couldn't...and my memories of this Thanksgiving are marred by the fact that she was too depressed/in too much pain to appear in a family picture. It was such a great moment in time for me, and she wasn't a part of it. So she is home, much healthier than before but struggling with depression and pain. This is an uphill battle that she's been dealing with since 2006 and I refuse to let her give up. I force myself to see the person that she used to be and encourage her to do what she can within her limits. Sometimes I'm really hard on her, and I think I need to work on my attitude a little more. But it's only because I know she can change her own attitude, to start living life and being social more often. I have droned on long enough...

Now, about Derek. He is better than I ever could have asked for. Our relationship is amazing, and this is a love that I've never ever felt before. We fit right in with each other's families, he is supportive and kind and a million other adjectives, we have fun together and never run out of things to talk about. Derek, Steven, Sarah and I went to Chicago to see Reel Big Fish and The Aquabats just a few weeks ago. It was a great trip! We weren't able to explore Chicago a whole lot but ended up having a great dinner and the show was out of this world!!!! This was the 3rd time I saw RBF live, and they were tighter and better than they were 10 years ago! On the way home, Derek and I curled up in the back of his van and had one of those "I really super like you" conversations and then I proceeded to pass out like a roofie victim in his arms for at least 2 hours. Even Steven's driving couldn't wake me. :-P Thanksgiving was incredible...I went to his family's dinner and Derek and I ended up cooking everything but the turkey! We had a blast. I've taken to playing Yahtzee with his mom, aunt and grandma, and we have started playing D&D (that's Dungeons & Dragons for those uninformed) with his mom, uncle and aunt on Friday nights. He came to my family's Thanksgiving, spent 2 nights with me and met everyone at the same time...everyone seemed to like him and he fit right in! Brianna couldn't make it to Thanksgiving apparently so she hasn't met him, but I'm sure she will at Christmas. We are in it for the long haul, folks, and that became completely apparent when we finally let that L word fly. We are most definitely in love and I feel lucky to have found someone like him. The funny thing about it is that he says he's the lucky one...and all I ever wanted was someone who appreciates me for everything I am. And I most definitely appreciate him...he's just being himself and sweeping me off my feet. I'm not scared of him leaving me, or cheating, or ignoring me in any way. I know I am the only one for him, just as he is the only one for me. I really do have a hard time putting it into words. I was bitter and cynical and not looking for anyone...he was fresh out of a 3 year lie and wasn't looking for anyone. But the folks at OkCupid plastered my face on his pages and forced both of us to see a 96% match which has ended up being a relationship where everything fits. *raises glass* Here's to the future...this is only the beginning of us.

With all of this excitement going on (sick mom, new love, holidays, concerts...) who has time to work? I took a leave with Convergys when mom went back in the hospital for her surgeries, and a month later I decided I didn't want to go back. The job was horrible, the pay was horrible, and the few people I really liked weren't enough to keep me there. I chose not to extend my leave of absence, and was terminated. I was denied unemployment because I didn't make enough money in the past 4 quarters. So I'm back on the job hunt, more determined than ever. In the past week I've applied for no less than 15 jobs. I'm determined to find something I will like, something that I will look forward to doing. I was very happy at Karrass, and I'd love to find something along that line. Of course, what I'd really love to do is just go back to school, but it seems like that keeps getting put on the back burner. If I could just buy a car outright and live off of student aid I'd be set. I'm bummed because my car payment makes things really impossible right now. All I want is to be making enough money to survive and have a little left over for fun...not too much to ask I don't think. In a job that I can tolerate. I know I can...if I can somehow fund my schooling. Dear sky daddy--please send me a job I'll enjoy, with pay that makes sense, in an area that is convenient.

Overall, life is very good. I'm happier than I've been in years, and everything is coming together beautifully.

That's all for now I suppose...now that I am an ungainfully unemployed housedaughter I may have time to write more often. Maybe once a week? Scheduling is good for me... :-)

Goodness.

I really need to stop letting so much time pass between entries. I'm not even sure how well this is going to break down into paragraphs because there is so much to cover!

Things are pretty fabulous here overall! The summer was great! I had to work a lot, but I still managed to fit in some fun. I ended up taking 2 trips to Lake Laurel with Sarah and her folks, and a trip to Indian Lakes for a (hopefully annual!) tribute to Julie. So many wonderful memories made on all of those trips! I'm a lucky girl. (That won't be the last time you see me write that in this entry...)

I finally got a desktop computer I can play games on! I'm SO HAPPY! Erik just decided to get Sarah a new computer, so Sarah sold me hers for $100!!!!! I have become totally consumed with everything this computer has to offer in comparison to that shitty laptop I've been on for years. WoW, Left4Dead, Magic Online, and a ton of games Matt VC has yet to load onto this machine have been my drugs. :-p

Oh, my busted-ass vehicle. I love my busted-ass vehicle. I was finally busted for my registration, and have a court date November 8th. I am broker than broke, so I am going to have to get an extension. I called CA DMV and they told me it would be $670 to get it squared away there. I was in so much shock that I forgot to ask for them to mail me something, so I'm on hold with them as I type so I can get that taken care of. Finances are a definite problem...I'm more broke now than I EVER was when I was unemployed! My bills are totally manageable (just car payment, phone and student loan) but these extra expenses are killing me.

Part of the reason for my broke-ness is that Mom was in the hospital and I ended up taking 2 weeks off unpaid from work. She needs surgery to get her colostomy revised, and the surgery has been delayed again and again since July. She finally ended up with a bad case of colitis (for the 2nd time now...) and back in the hospital she went. Since she got out, we've been to a myriad of doctors appointments and the surgery still isn't scheduled. Unbelievable! In the meantime, it's hard to get her out of bed for anything and cleaning has fallen by the wayside. I'm going nuts over here and have been trying to stay out of the house at all costs, but finally picked up and started trying the other day. I kind of yelled at her today and didn't mean to...I'm just frustrated because even when she's feeling well, she rarely cleans. I can't do it by myself. We're both messy people and I have taken leaps and bounds to clean up after myself and her while still maintaining the little things like dusting and vacuuming. I can't do it anymore...she has to pitch in or I'm going to hightail it outta here. I have plenty of places to go that would offer me little rent, and the frustration would be minimal. I'm happy to help her out, but there are times when you can tell she's milking it for all it's worth. I won't let her lay around and rot, period. Even if that means staying with Sarah for a week or so to let her get the hint.

The most amazing thing has happened...OkCupid WORKS! I met a great guy, and I'm going to keep him around for as long as he will let me! (he says he's planning on keeping me too, so this is a good thing!) His name is Derek, he's 25, a programming student and recently separated but well on his way to a dissolution. We were a 96% match (97% by the time we deactivated our profiles) and I have to say that every day has been better than the next since we've been seeing each other. I want nothing more than to sit here and gush about how fantastic he has been and how much we like each other, but I don't want this to get too pathetic. :-p Suffice it to say that I have met a match! A GOOD match! We text each other constantly, and talk on Steam and/or Skype almost every night. We play Left4Dead together and he just started a new character on my WoW server. Our first date was a Subway picnic followed by geocaching and hours of talking while sitting at a picnic table. Our second date was a Subway picnic (LOL) followed by disc golf and hours of talking while sitting at a picnic table. Our third date was lunch on one of my splits, and our 4th date was a trip to Jungle Jim's followed by me meeting practically his whole family, followed by a great cuddle/kiss session while watching Community at his place. It's official now...I definitely have a boyfriend. One hell of an awesome boyfriend. I'm gonna keep him...

Sarah is going to be on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire!!!! I'm so excited for her. She took a written test and had a couple of interviews, and got the call today that she'll be NYC on November 8th (same day as my court thing) to be on the show! I'm beyond excited for her, I know she's going to do amazing and come home with enough money to pay off debts and live comfortably! Hopefully this will even get them to OR faster!

November 15th is going to be super-rad...The Aquabats and Reel Big Fish are coming to Chicago and I am GOING! Looks like the crew will be me, Derek, Sarah and Derek's BFF Steven. I am really, REALLY looking forward to this show!! I've never been to Chicago, either, so it is sure to be an awesome time.

So that's all for now...I just wanted to give people an update and I SWEAR I'll blog more often.

No news is good news?

Everything has been just dandy...I just haven't had the time to write I suppose. I need to sit down soon and update...lake trips, computers, birthdays/anniversaries, karaoke nights, my busted-ass vehicle, work, love...all are on the list of things to talk about next time. :-)

Good birthday stuff. :-)

Maggie and Evelyn's masterpiece.

29 candles. As Evelyn said, "That's a BRIGHT CAKE!"

I've had a great birthday!!! It started last night with an impromptu trip out with Jessica and her friend Ashley. We hit Woodies where we hung out, sang karaoke (Pat Benetar and Bonnie Raitt for me, thanks...) and I had the 2 best and biggest double amaretto sours I've ever had. I had a screwdriver in honor of Nick, too. :-) Then it was off to Mugbees. It was kinda dead in there so we had a drink and bolted off to Hollywood Casino, which was completely impromptu. Ashley's boyfriend (who was not drinking) drove us there and they ended up finding their own adventure while Jessica and I went into the casino. Well, to Boogie Nights, the disco-ish nightclub inside it. It was a fun, fun night and I didn't get home until almost 3 in the morning but it was SO worth it! I probably pushed the limits of the amount I can party because I did wake up with a headache this morning. It's not often that I go out like that...it takes a lot to loosen me up enough to do things at the spur of the moment. Last night was my Friday, so it was great to be able to get out and have some fun.

This morning, I was allowed to sleep in until 11am. Maggie, Evelyn and Mom already made my cake and it was cooling by the time I came downstairs. Mom frosted it and Maggie and Evelyn decorated it, it was a hot mess! It was positively adorable and I absolutely loved getting a cake that my lovely nieces made and decorated for me!! They also made me a card that was so sweet it brought tears to my eyes. After cake and ice cream, I headed to BFF Sarah's for a couple episodes of Battlestar Gallactica and a trip to the Post Office so she could morally support me while I picked up a certified letter from Boone County, LOL. Turns out an old creditor is suing me for my balance owed, but I did the damage so I'm going to have to pay the consequences. I came home to mom's lasagna...ZOMG it was probably the best she's ever made. And she made a HUGE batch so I get to take some to work for the next few days, woohoo!!! I finished off with more cake and ice cream (hey...it's my birthday...I've lost almost 40 lbs...cut me some slack! LOL!), a load of laundry, and now I'm chilling in my room on the interwebs. I plan on watching an episode or 2 of Mythbusters and heading to sleep because I have to work a 10-10 split tomorrow. It's been a great day...my phone has been going off constantly since 9am and it's a great feeling. :-) It's nice to know I'm loved. Another great birthday...and next year is my 30th!!! Who knows what kinds of shenanigans will be pulled...next year is bound to be even more awesome than this year.

Sad news.

The senior colorguard girls with our handsome drum major, Nick.

Nick Stutsman, a guy I went to high school and college with, died Thursday night. I was proud to call him a friend...I remember referring to him as one of the only TRULY good guys I've ever known.

I have so many awesome memories with Nick. The first time I saw him, we had just finished our first day of pre-camp for band my freshman year. There was this boy...he was tall, chubby, and bright pink all over from a day out in the sun. We ended up befriending each other and had a couple of classes together. He was musically GIFTED, and I mean that. He played clarinet, and it amazed me the things he could do! He won multiple awards at multiple music festivals in KY in high school, and awards at BCHS. By the time senior year rolled around, he became 1 of 2 drum majors. And he was fabulous. :-) We always had a blast at band camp, at various functions and on bus rides, etc. We used to watch a lot of Chris Farley movies (Tommy Boy, etc) on our bus rides, and everyone would compare Nick to Chris Farley. He HATED it!!! But it really was an accurate representation...Nick was a chubby, bright red, hilarious guy who captured the hearts of everyone around him.

After high school, we ended up staying in the same dorm at EKU, he a floor above me, and our friend Heather next door to me. OMG, the great times we had!!!!! We would drive around in Heather's little Civic, Nick riding shotgun, smoking weed and just driving the curvy roads. One time, we were listening to the song "Pieces of You" by Jewel and it seemed as if the melodies were going right along with the curves in the road. As the song ended, we came to the stop sign at the end. We all commented on how COOL that was (it's a VERY powerful song, listen to it if you haven't) and immediately decided that as much as we'd like to do that again, there would not be a way to replicate that moment. It was too perfect. Another time (and this is one of my favorite stories to tell EVER) we were driving around getting high in the middle of the day, and Nick was talking about how they (he and Heather) had seen a peacock one time when they were driving around without me. Just as he finished telling the story, Heather stopped the car in the middle of the road and Nick said, "Holy shit! There it is again!" I was stoned out of my gourd and had no clue what was going on, and he said, "Jen!!! It's right THERE!! Blue and fucking WHITE!" I was cracking up laughing by this point (as I am right now, but with tears in my eyes) and I saw the peacock in front of the car. DIRECTLY in front of the car, LOL. It was making that noise that peacocks make--at a little white dog across the street (on a farm). It then folded up its feathers and walked over toward the passenger side of the car. Nick and I had our foreheads plastered to the windows watching it walk past us until it was safely behind the car. A peacock in Richmond KY...barking at a dog. One of my favorite stories of all time, and Nick is a part of it. :-) There were many other good times...watching him play his clarinet was outstanding. He had unmatched talent. For fun, he would play really fast songs for me and laugh afterwards as I sat with my mouth agape. There were multiple parties we went to...going to Denny's in the middle of the night for a Super Bird...drinking screwdrivers half-full of vodka and eating an extra-large pizza between 3 people...the day he "came out of the closet" to me (I always suspected but never knew until we got to EKU)...going to drum corp shows...I actually just realized that I loaned him a bunch of pictures about 10 years ago and never got them back, LOL! Anyway, Nick moved on to U of L and I moved to CA...we spoke on Yahoo a few times but I haven't seen him since I loaned him those pics at that drum corp show in 2000. Sometime in 2001 after I moved to CA, Nick confided in me that he had been doing speed. He was losing weight but the way he was doing it was mucho unhealthy. I discouraged him from doing it, but continued to see his weight drop in pictures. We lost touch...I got sober...we were friends on Yahoo/Myspace/facebook. Looking at his facebook photos is weird...a bunch of pics of him with bloodshot eyes and then a few with his clarinet in concert, wearing a tux. I knew he was living kinda hard and was worried but felt assured that he was still maintaining well as he was still playing clarinet on a concert level.

He was found Friday morning by his roommate, an apparent overdose. He was 29. is the 2nd friend I've lost in the past year (Kalin, and now Nick) due to drug use. People my age are DYING. Classmates of mine. I knew a lot of people in high school due to being in band, but Nick is someone who I genuinely considered a friend all that time. EVERYONE loved him. I'm sad to say that the disease of addiction has claimed yet another young life, another great talent, another person who would have had so much to contribute to this world.

A weird 24 hours.

Sometimes you just have those "weird" days. For the past 24 hours, everything has been been...MORE. More exhaustion...more everything. We're in "mandatory" overtime at work until July 10th. I have been working an average of an hour of OT per day...not too bad but when you add it up I'm growing weary. Anyway...my nightmares have come true and I am living in Tech Support World. My internet, tv and telephone have been on the fritz at home and I have been slowly going crazy. I have called Insight no less than 7 times over the past 2 weeks and I have become just as frustrated as the people I talk to from AT&T every day. Anyway, last night the internet was down (as usual) so I became my own worst caller because I'd simply had enough. The phone line went down too and that is CRUCIAL to my mom. Anyway, they're coming out here tomorrow to *hopefully* fix the problem so we'll see. I woke up this morning to my mom calling me on my cell phone...to let me know that my nieces were here, the phone is working, the TV is down, and the girls need the computer NOW if the internet is working. I tell her I'll be down in a few minutes...I'm just waking up...she said ok. I stayed in bed with the intention of being there for at least 10 more minutes. Meanwhile, I hear Maggie (the youtube addict) prowling around the upstairs by my room. I hear her go in the bathroom, turn on the water for a really long time, then *knock knock*
"Cioci Jennifer?"
"Yes, Maggie...I'll be out in a minute..."
"Is the computer working?"
"I don't know yet...I just woke up...I'll be out in a minute..."
"Oh, okay..."
4 minutes go by. Repeat. Except this time while I'm hearing her prowling around the bathroom, I hear my epilady go off. I never use the damn thing...it's really painful...but I leave it in the bathroom anyway. So I hear it go off and all I can think about is "OMG, is Evelyn up here?!?!". The damn epilady has 16 sets of tweezers and goes REALLY fast so I was just thinking this child better not put this thing near herself or her sister. LMFAO. I get up and get dressed as fast as I can. 2 minutes go by and I hear the knocking. I fling open my door with the computer in my hand...
"Yes, Maggie, the computer is working. And you're already driving me crazy."
"Oh, okay, good morning!"
I'm putting on my makeup and I take the cap off my eyeliner. It is smooshed. I look over and there is a clothing tag bent in half, made up to look like a gift tag and has words written on it...IN MY EYELINER. :-) I asked both of the girls, found the culprit (she admitted it...gotta love Maggie...), lectured her and tried to help my mom with the tv. I pressed the power button on the cable box and it came right on. I rolled my eyes and went to work.

Every day, I go to the Marathon station up the street and get coffee. It has just come to my attention that the little old lady who waits on me every morning is getting hit on by a little old man who's there almost every day when I am. They apparently have a cute little friendship where she calls to let him know if gas is going up (so he can gas up before they do it LOL), and he brings her pastries. It's the cutest thing ever. She blushed this morning as she put her bag of donuts on the shelf, and as he left she said to me "He brought me donuts! Wasn't that nice!". *squee* Old people are cute.

I realized on the way to work that I was sadly short on that wonderful smokeable plant. I hoped that my smoking buddy would be at work, but of course he wasn't. It turned out to be a BRUTAL first half of the day...the we had time between calls but the callers were just DUMB and ANGRY. (a bad combo, for those of you who have worked tech support...) I decided to take a long lunch and told my TL I'd be back by 5:30. I adjusted my attitude properly and went back to work. The first call I took after my lunch ended up lasting 1 hour and 10 minutes. Luckily I was speaking with someone from another department at AT&T rather than the customer themselves. The issue we were working on was one that was really complicated and involved a lot of dead air, which we were happy to fill with laughter and jokes about how nobody really knows what they're doing in this place. After this insanely long call, we were completely unable to resolve the issue at hand and had absolutely no leads as to how to fix it. We worked our asses off and were completely abandoned by other departments. It was a huge waste of time but it was better than talking to a bunch of idiots. Anyway, the night went on and I ended up working 2 hours of OT. I feel that I'm getting hit on by one of my coworkers. No details, but this guy has made it clear that he is interested in "someone". He's been paying a lot of attention to me in chat, and has clearly been "up to something" for the past few days. Tonight, he made a pass at me and I semi-diverted. If he wants to hang out with me...he can talk to me about it in person. ;-) Of course I'll just let him think I'm hard to get (for the first time ever LOL) and he can jump or not. So now I'm home...just got done playing a couple of games of Magic with Rob. Kari is still avoiding me. Sooooo awkward. I don't know why she's avoiding me...I took them both off my facebook this week but that was only because I'm trying to stay out of their personal lives. Kari knows how I feel...that I do want her as a friend but that it hurts when I know what she and Rob are up to. So maybe it's better we don't talk...I don't know. I'm glad that Rob and I are on good terms but Kari's behavior has really saddened me. So...I have to go to bed now so that I can be up early for Insight to come (hopefully) fix whatever is going on with our services. I am officially taking a mental health day...I deserve it.

Life goes on...

Things have been relatively okay. I'm getting through the days at work...I didn't realize when I first started working there how complicated this job really is. It's a challenge every day, and you have to be not only very smart but very quick to adapt. I can honestly say that I don't have a single "dumb" coworker. For the first time in my life, LOL! Not as far as I've seen, anyway. It's nice to be around equals...people who enjoy learning and solving problems. My coworkers are fantastic, they're 80% nerds and I love the hell out of them.

Things are still kinda up in the air for me in the love department. Rob is MIA from my life right now, Kari is very distant, and to be honest it hurts me more NOT to hear from them. But I guess I've learned my lesson. I'm officially back on the dating market...some flirting on okcupid feels good. :-) One thing I still believe...I still believe in love. And I sincerely believe that because I am a good person I will find it. The people around me have always told me that it WILL happen, and I'm really trying hard to believe that. I'm not going to stop dating...I like it too much. I'm just going to take the butterflies and leave the tears--a whole new outlook.

Things at home have been okay...Mom got a spinal epidural and she's still been having a lot of pain. This has been really disheartening to both of us but her doctor wants her to keep trying. The good news is that she hasn't been having any of the "electrical" (as she puts it) pain in her feet/ankles but rather the "full-leg asscramp" (as I put it). Everyone has had an asscramp. If you haven't, I hope you never do. :-P But she says it's like she's having that kind of pain, and it's running down her leg. I guess I've never really described Mom's pain to this degree, but it's something that's constantly there. It's as much a part of our daily lives as my job is. Anyway, hopefully that will become a thing of the past as she continues to get these spinal blocks.

All in all, I'm just living life. I'm having a great day off...I got to sleep in until noon!!!!!! Then I went shopping at Target and Remke's and over to Sarah's for a couple of episodes of Battlestar Gallactica. I'm absolutely loving that show. Mom made an awesome spinach salad with grilled chicken and pineapple-habenero dressing for dinner...it was so good I wanted to lick my plate. Tomorrow is Evelyn's 7th birthday! I'm so glad I get to be around for stuff like this. I do have to work tomorrow, but at least I'll get to see her for a bit before I leave. And of course my birthday is coming up, and of course I'm already really excited about it. LOL! I am trying to remind myself that I should not be more excited about my birthday than Evelyn is about hers, and that it's still 2 weeks away. What I want more than anything for my birthday is money towards a decent computer. I found a computer I want that is under $500, so I'm watching every penny and hoping Mom will have mercy on me, LOL! I've been using her laptop for about 9 months now, and I'm sure she would really like it back. I've indicated that I might be holding the computer hostage until I get my Dell, so hopefully she'll take that as a sign that she should contribute freely. :-P

Every time I have a bad day, a day when I feel like life is fucking me over--I go to Los Angeles craigslist and see what Justin is up to. His antics on there (mainly the posts begging for a male fuck-buddy) help me realize that I was way more miserable then, and especially how much I've changed. I feel sorry for his girlfriend, but I just have to shake my head and remember that there are a million guys out there doing the exact same thing. And a million other girls who turn their heads the other way in the name of love. If there's one thing I'm proud of it's that I will NEVER be that girl again. :-)

Struggling.

I can't really say everything is great, but it doesn't suck either.

A lot has happened since I blogged last. Rob broke up with Kari, we all made up and are friends again...I just can't get the sick feeling out of my stomach. This is just a reminder to myself that I have absolutely nothing to do with their relationship and I have my own shit to get up and do. I just can't stop thinking about all of this for the past couple of days and I've reached my breaking point. If he ignores me, I'm sad. If he talks to me, I miss him. If I see her, I'm wondering. Tonight, I'm wondering. I let my mind go and it immediately starts wondering what he's doing tonight...knowing more than likely that he's with her.

Sometimes it hurts much more than I'd like to admit. Granted, I have bounced back beautifully from this. I feel good about myself and I know that I didn't do anything wrong. I realize that the fault is all his, and I realize that we aren't getting back together. I don't know what I need right now...someone to tell me how beautiful and worthy of love I am? It's been another rough week...between work, PMS and all of the Rob/Kari thoughts I'm having a difficult time functioning.

I really hope the weekends get easier as time goes on. I have to stop this madness.

Too good to be true...indeed.

The last time I posted, everything was peaches n' cream. At that point, I had a guy in my life who adored me, at least 1 good friend at work (his ex), my best friend was about to get married to the love of her life...everything was great. It stayed great up until a few days ago, which I'll get to in a minute. That being said, please be advised that this post may contain angry rambling, abuse of caps lock, heavy use of exclamation points, and probably a lot of stuff that I'll realize later I shouldn't have said. We'll start with the good stuff...

I have to start by saying that Sarah's wedding was awesome!!! It was a great (although kinda hot) day, and everyone had so much fun. Sarah and I looked incredible...we had the best team ever (Wardrobe-Vickie/Joy, Hair-Misti/Amanda, Nails-Amanda) and they had us looking SMOKIN'!! Rob and the kids came, and we all had a blast. I feel so lucky to have a best friend in this life...I am overjoyed that my best friend found such a great guy to spend her life with. I believe in them and their relationship. Erik helps me believe that someone can get fucked over multiple times by multiple people and still find someone who loves them back. They are an incredible couple and I can't wait to see what's in store for them.

I simply can't get through this post without giving Joy and Ted a paragraph of their own. They were both so helpful with the wedding and I am overwhelmed by their generosity! Joy altered our dresses (and did a great job!), made Sarah's garters, made an embroidered table runner AND an embroidered blanket, and hosted Sarah's bachelorette party in STYLE!!! Not to mention the bazillion other little things she did for us. Sarah was thrilled that they came to the wedding and they had a great time, I think! Sarah's mom really likes Joy and I need to get off my ass and get over there so I can have them exchange numbers. Anyway...Joy and Ted rock. Big time.

The job is going well. I am still rocking my stats and I haven't gone nuts yet, although I'm sure it's coming.

Now, about Rob. We started talking April 4th, and it ended May 31st. Every single day of that relationship was ROSES. As everyone knows, we were introduced by his ex wife Kari (who I work with), and Kari and I were friends. I met the kids and they adored me...latched on to me right away. Rob and I were nuts about each other. Every night, he would come home from work and call me. We would talk for a few hours, play Magic Online, and end our call by blowing kisses. Thursday nights, I would go over to his place after work. We would hang out, cook for each other, play Magic, have stellar sex and fall asleep in each others arms. Friday morning I would wake up in his arms, we'd hang out for a while and I'd leave. When we had the chance, I'd get to hang out with him and the kids during the weekend. We were affectionate towards each other, we liked each others brains, we had similar goals and interests, we had incredible sex...all of the chemistry was there and we were both very happy. The happiest, healthiest relationship I've ever had.

Kari and I were work buddies...with a twist. I thought she was nuts when she offered to hook me up with her ex, but I trusted her intentions were good. She was cool with the fact that the kids liked me. Although there was some mild underlying tension (understandable given the fact that I was fucking her still-legally husband...) between the two of us I was confident that I had an ally. I never minded his friendship with Kari--I honestly believed that their relationship was dead and gone. She cheated on him, got pregnant with someone else's baby, left Rob and took the kids to GA. He had his faults too, but that's the straw that broke the camel's back. Those facts combined with the fact that SHE'S THE ONE WHO HOOKED US UP led me to believe that I had absolutely nothing to worry about when it came to the two of them.

Here's where I cut to the chase, and I'm afraid things might get ugly so bear with me. Last Thursday, Rob and I had our normal routine. It was truly a great night...I really enjoyed his company. We talked on the phone Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights as usual, but he was off on Monday for Memorial Day. I called him on my lunch Monday and we talked about this game he was gonna get on gamefly that I wanted to play, and I told him I'd call him after work. Now, Rob was on a bit of a bender...he started drinking Sunday night and I don't think he stopped until...shit...I don't know if he HAS stopped yet. Anyway, I called him after work and he half-heartedly answered the phone. I knew something was wrong, asked him what it was and he said he would need to talk to me in person. My heart dropped. I went over to his place and he gave me a speal about how he doesn't know if he could ever fall in love with me...and you know where this is going. I started to cry, asked him if he was going to sober up and realize that this wasn't what he wanted and he said no...that he had been thinking about it and that it was the right decision for him. I left in tears (as it began to rain...poetic...LOL) and basically cried myself to sleep. It was so bad my left eyelid was stuck to itself when I woke up in the morning. I put on a happy face and went to work Tuesday. Kari hugged me and said she was sorry that he broke up with me...that she didn't see it coming...that he told her I was the perfect girlfriend and had done nothing wrong. Yesterday (Wednesday), Kari and I had a long talk in the parking lot where she told me that I was still free to see the kids. Rob told her that he basically just wanted to be a bachelor after having been married for so long. I went home and was feeling mostly ok compared to how I had been feeling. I was confident that I hadn't done anything wrong...that I had indeed been the perfect girlfriend in every way and that I had done nothing to cause this. Both of them assured me that they were not in love with the other and that their relationship had nothing to do with it. This was all on him, he had some issues to work through and I just had to deal with it. No problem...I've hurt worse before. I talked to Elise for a while and she put things in perspective for me (and almost prophetically so) by explaining that it takes a lot of time to get over a marriage, and sometimes people get caught in the crossfire.

I woke up this morning feeling alright. I got up early, took a shower, smoked a bowl and checked facebook. What I saw there stunned me. "Rob Sloan is married to KariAnn Sloan". Rob posted some status about how he loved his wife and didn't realize it...Kari posted a status about how she got her ass handed to her in Magic Online...I began to hyperventilate...I ran off to work. Too early. I wasn't even supposed to be there until 12:30 but I left at 11:30 just HOPING that Kari would show up and see the look on my face. I cried all the way to work, called Rob and left him a scathing/incoherent message, called Sarah (who tried to calm me down unsuccessfully), explained the situation to our coworker friend Breanna while Kari was making her way over to me. She came over, sat down and put her hand on my arm. I turned to her and told her that I had absolutely no interest in speaking with her right now (while fighting back tears) and she walked away. I was pissed the fuck off because I deserved more than to hear of this via facebook...some common courtesy would have been nice in waiting until Kari had the chance to talk to me at work. I cried all day on the phones at work, and finally confronted Kari. I told her that I was pissed off about finding out that way. I told her that she shouldn't have hooked us up if she knew she still had feelings for him. I told her how much she hurt me. She apologized, saying that Rob changed his relationship status in the middle of the night and she didn't know (although she accepted it and "liked" his gushy fucking status update). She said that she never meant for things to end this way...I told her that she lost a friend. I ended up leaving work early...I just couldn't hold it together. I went over to Sarah's and had a field day with their punching bag and a stick. I used the thing like a bat and beat the hell out of the bag until tears were streaming down my face and I couldn't breathe anymore. It's over. I've given my Magic cards away to Rob's friend Andy, I've removed both Kari and Rob from any/all friends lists, I'm DONE.

Here's the part where I beat myself up, get depressed and feel sorry for myself. Do feel free to skip this paragraph if you are tired of my drivel. I am so far beyond hurt right now. I am tired of being the girl who helps men realize how much in love they are with SOMEONE ELSE. I am tired of getting to know people, letting them into my life, and getting dumped on. I deserve to be loved. I deserve it because I am a good person. I deserve it because I spend so much energy and love on the people around me. I deserve it because I have been shit on one too many times. Anyone who knows me is going to read this and think "What the FUCK?!?!?! AGAIN?!?!". Because they KNOW! Those who truly love me and know me know that I do not deserve this bullshit in my life. I'm honestly not sure whether I should just give up now or whether there's something bigger for me out there. It's hard to believe that there's something bigger for me out there...I have a laundry list of men who have dragged me through the mud. A laundry list of women who have betrayed me. I now have 2 "threepeats"...I have been saying that I'll never date another Mike because of my history. 3 Mikes and you're out. I now have my 3 Robs...Hoppenjans, Miserendino and Sloan. Sounds like a law firm. I am so done.

I will figure this out...I will be a big girl and I will put on a happy face. I will be cordial to Kari at work. I will leave Rob alone and not stalk him like I'm known to do, LOL. I just want both of them out of my life so I can start over. I can't think about the kids...I'll cry. I do wish them luck. I fear that history will repeat itself and Kari will fuck him over once again. But I guess that's really none of my business...I just want a change. I don't ever want to go through this bullshit again. I'm sure I'll get my feelings hurt again before I find the One...I refuse to let this take control of my life or my emotions. I will get over this in the most healthy way possible. I will come out better on the other side. And maybe someday I'll get what I actually deserve...which is a guy who can't see himself with anyone but me.

MishMash

As I write this, I'm sitting in Rob's living room in my sleeping clothes. Connected with my laptop, drinking coffee, smoking a cigarette, occasionally looking over to see what he's doing on his online game. The conversation only stops long enough for me to type a sentence or for him to kill whatever enemy he's working on at the time.

I can't remember being this comfortable with a member of the opposite sex...EVER. My makeup wore off long ago, my hair is a mess and I haven't yet brushed my teeth. But I'm okay. Secure. And most importantly...happy. Rather than waiting for the bottom to drop out and expecting to find myself miserable in a short period of time, I'm enjoying every day and every experience as it comes. I've stopped being skeptical (for the most part) and settled into my role as the girlfriend of this great guy who adores me. He met Sarah last week, and I am meeting his kids today. I was nervous as hell about meeting them, but Kari gave me explicit written permission (LOL--for real!) and all is well with the world. I just hope things keep going the way they are, because I fall for him a little more each day and can't wait to see what's in store for us.

Everything is good. I'm kicking ass and taking names at work (7 surveys @ 100%)...I am a customer service ninja and at least I'm getting partially recognized for it. I'm already planting the seed in my boss' head that I want to go home and do telecommute...we'll see how that works out. It looks like I'll have to be in this position for at least 3 more months before I can transfer anywhere. I love my coworkers...overall I feel like a very lucky girl.

I finally got to go to my first real LAN party!!! JRX was amazing...even better than I expected! I was able to hang out there last week on Friday and Saturday nights and I had such a great time. I was expecting it to be really crowded and I figured I'd be at least a little uncomfortable (especially if Grommon would have showed up--thank god he didn't...). But it was a TON of fun. Sarah, Erik, Karen and Than are some of the best friends I could ask for, and I get more comfortable around my acquaintances every time I see them. I spent most of my time there knitting with Sarah and Karen or hanging out in "the office". I've been knitting myself a pair of socks and I just started on the heel flap of the first one last night. I've been able to knit at my desk at work, so this sock has been FLYING off the needles! Moar knitz plz! Damn life is dandy.

I realize I didn't know Julie all that well before I started helping her, but I miss her so damn much I can't stand it sometimes. Since she died, her brother Joe and his wife Angel had a baby boy named Jackson. Her sister Amber and her husband Alan had a baby girl named Ava. They're now 2 months and 2 weeks old, respectively. I went to Joy and Ted's a couple of days ago and was lucky enough to be able to hold both of them. Besides my normal "squee!" reaction, there was an underlying sadness knowing that Julie should be here. I have been so lucky to be "adopted" by her family and be accepted and loved by them. I have adopted them right back. Not a day goes by that I don't think about Julie, and I wish I could share my happiness and my day-to-day life with her. She would be so happy for me...I can see that smile of hers and it makes me feel better. "I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. But still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend." Truer words were never spoken.

Silly me.

I just realized something really terrible...I forgot to mention that my dad just had open heart surgery! I didn't write about it in the first place because I didn't want to jinx it but he had a quadruple bypass done on the 4th and is now home and doing fantastic. He quit smoking a week before his surgery, after about 40 years of smoking. I hope he continues to take care of himself and stays with us a while. Anyway, I thought it was important and I felt bad about not saying anything in my blog so...

Here's hoping history doesn't repeat itself and I can take better care of myself than my parents have. There are a lot of lessons to be learned from this--I definitely see it. I was terrified inside that my dad wouldn't make it through the surgery, and realistically so. He has officially shocked everyone. I need to quit smoking--for good. I don't know when, and I definitely don't know how, but I'm going to do it. I have a not-so-great family history when it comes to things like heart disease...I'm 28 years old and I need to start taking action NOW.

Weird and wonderful week.

Things have been, to say the least, fantastic. Where to begin?

I started my new job with Convergys on March 13th and it's been okay so far. I'm getting a lot of technical knowledge that I didn't have before and meeting some cool people along the way. Training was difficult, transition was touch-and-go, but I'm pretty prepared for my first day on the phones alone tomorrow. While I still have some conflicts about working for an outsourcing company, I know I "gotta do what I gotta do" right now in this crappy economy. I was pretty mad because during our 2nd week of training, we were told that there is going to be a class for the telecommute position. I can't transfer out of my department for 6 months, so I was pretty fired up and ready to leave for good one day. But I got my wits about me and realized that I really need the money. Ever since then, I'm just rolling with the punches as they come, and deflecting whatever might be thrown at me.

Spring is officially here! This makes me incredibly happy. I've spent all winter in a state of perpetual funk, never feeling quite right. Now the sun is out, the birds are singing and happy little squirrels are crossing my path. The warmer weather is helping things a lot. It's been unfortunate that I've been working 12-8:30 and haven't had the opportunity to get out and enjoy it! I wanted to get out and play some disc golf today but it didn't work out. Oh well...there's always next weekend and MAYBE someday I'll get my ass up early enough on a workday to play! Anyway, I just wanted to pay homage to Spring for a minute because things are looking up. ;-) I also celebrated a very important milestone...my 1 year anniversary of living in KY! Looking back a year ago, I wonder how I ever doubted that KY was the place for me. I have changed so much (and for the better!) since I've been back and I'm genuinely happy. I have no regrets, other than the fact that I can't have all of my CA friends here with me. And my dad. BTW, Dad had a quadruple bypass on the 8th and is doing very well. Hopefully he'll change his ways a little and stay on this planet a while. Everything is going so fantastically, I feel like I'm in some kind of alternate reality. Much of this is being caused by the situation in the next paragraph...

I met someone. Someone kinda incredible, who I'm kinda smitten over. And he is kinda smitten over me too. This is odd for me, so please bear with me. His name is Rob, and we were introduced via his ex wife Kari who is my coworker. Kari heard me speak of a date that I didn't want to go on (and the reasons why I didn't want to go) and she suggested that I look up her ex on facebook. They are good friends (as they have kids together) and she said she just wanted him to be happy. Apparently she thought I was the kind of girl that could make him happy, and he was the kind of guy that I'm looking for. I decided to wait a few days to send him a friend request on facebook, but he added me first. We exchanged a bunch of emails and by the end of the day (Easter, the 4th) I was sure I had to give him my number. He called, and we talked for an hour and a half. I went to bed with a smile on my face, and woke up several times through the night saying "there's no way this guy is real...". I then woke up with a smile on my face and we continued the pattern the next day. Except the next night it was 3 hours on the phone, and we made a date. Then 4...then 5...then 6... We met up on Wed the 7th for possibly one of the best dates I've ever had. It wasn't the place (Steak and Shake, and about an hour walking through Meijer LOL) or what we did...it was the company. There's something really great about walking into a first date feeling like you already kinda know the person. Or at least you know them well enough to feel so comfortable. We met up again last night so he could teach me to play Magic (yes, that's right...geek of my dreams LOL) and hang out. I was officially taken off of the market as of yesterday. :-) I'm having a hard time talking about it because honestly...I'm scared of messing it up. I like him a LOT. And the fact that he likes me just as much as I like him scares the shit out of me. We are equally and healthily captivated by each other. I could begin to name all of the things I like about him and all of the similarities that we have that make us SOOOOOOOOOOO freakin compatible, but it's midnight at this point and I have to get to bed soon. Just let me say that I have a whole new feeling inside. :-)

Sarah's wedding is getting closer and closer!!! I am going to need to keep a calendar handy over the next month or so. Every day is jam-packed. I'll try to blog and at least keep things updated...I know I've been slacking lately!

Truth?

The truth is, I don't know how much more I can handle when it comes to the opposite sex. I am tired of being dragged through the mud and lied to. It has been proven to me a few times that even "nice guys" are capable of being soul-sucking assholes. I cannot censor myself anymore, and REFUSE to censor myself anymore.

I have never expected love to just fall into my lap. I understand that it's difficult and the older you get, the harder it gets to find someone you're compatible with. What I want is to get to know someone. Not based on looks, but based on personality and shared interests. I continue to talk to different guys and give them chances. And if I weren't so afraid of these guys finding/reading my blog, I would have been talking about it from the beginning. But at this point, I can't hold it in anymore and I have got to write about how incredibly frustrated and disappointed I am.

I think I'm pretty realistic. I have a clear understanding of where I am on the "pretty/ugly scale", and I'd put myself just slightly above average. Internally, I know that I am one of the most beautiful people most people will have a chance to meet. A man I used to know say that I was 200 lbs, and 190 of that is all heart. I have a million awesome qualities that would make me a great mate. Of course I have faults too--my neediness and sensitivity are probably my biggest.

I'm not shooting for the moon when it comes to men. I'm realistic about what kind of guy I want, what kind of guy I'm compatible with, and what kind of guy I'm attracted to. I'm not expecting a Calvin Klein underwear model to come knocking at my door. All I'm asking for is a cuddly, dorky, fun and responsible guy. A "nice guy". I have been making better choices when it comes to who I'll date and what kind of dates we have...there's just one problem.

Nobody is giving me a motherfucking chance.

"Nice guys" complain all the time that nobody wants them, or that "nice guys finish last". Well, I just want to say that the statement "nice guys finish last" is complete and utter BULLSHIT. Grommon lied to me about even being friends--it was a really nice act he put on the night we broke up though. He ignores me at every given opportunity, and has made no effort whatsoever to remain a friend of mine. I went out with a guy from OkCupid a few weeks ago--we'd been emailing for a month and texting for a couple of weeks. Things were going really well--I actually had a little hope. We went out, and I thought we hit it off. I was POSITIVE there would be a second date. But he withdrew, without even telling me WTF the problem was. I started talking to another guy, and he dropped me because I didn't run to his side when he gave me 2 hours notice that he wanted to meet me for the first time. We had been emailing for a week and started texting on a Saturday night. We made a date for Monday, then he asked me if I wanted to grab a drink around 11 (it was 9). I said no because it was late, my car is dying/tags expired and it would be better to wait until Monday. Monday never came, as he never texted me again. There was another guy I'd been talking to since the middle of January--we hadn't met but had a WHOLE LOT in common. I was really looking forward to meeting him. And he disappeared--again without a reason. So I have effectively wasted almost 2 months and all I've gotten is one date and a whole lot of frustration. It's fucking with my self-esteem. I have been nothing but honest with these guys in my emails/texts with them, my pictures are accurate and recent...I just can't figure out what's wrong with me. When a "nice guy" dumps you on your ass, and when it happens more than once in a 6 month period, you begin to believe that either there is something terribly wrong with you, or something terribly wrong with them. With Grommon, I understood that it was him. Now, I'm not so sure because every single action he has taken has proven otherwise than what he told me. Some "nice guy". With Mike (my date from okcupid and the last Mike I will EVER date), he was probably shallow. It just surprised me because he saw my pics, and they are accurate. Some "nice guy". With Nick (the 2-hour notice guy), I couldn't care less. I mean, really, he couldn't wait a DAY? Some "nice guy". With Josh (whom I never met but wasted my time emailing for a month and a half), I am the most disappointed because we were definitely the most compatible. And *poof*, he's gone. Still active on facebook, but hasn't returned my email. Some "nice guy".

I know that rejection is a part of dating. But I am tired of giving these guys chances and having them just back out with no reasons. Why would someone talk to me for so long (a month and a HALF!), add me to their facebook, talk about plans for getting together, then disappear??? I don't understand! I have mellowed out so much--I'm not expecting much here. All I'm asking for is a chance. I refuse to change who I am and become a bitch. I will never discriminate based on looks, especially not if I'm compatible with a person. If someone emails me on Okcupid and we're not compatible, I write them back and thank them for the email but let them know we're not compatible for whatever reason. NOBODY has extended me the same courtesy. I'm so sick and tired of being nice, only to get shit on by "nice" guys. The thing that bothers me the most is wasting so much time emailing these guys. I have purposely been leaving my options open...I never stopped talking to Josh even though I went out with Mike, and gave Mike the same courtesy even though I felt Josh and I were more compatible. I'm just fucking bummed that I spent so much time talking to them and neither of them gave me a shot.

For the last time, I am tired. I have gone through some major changes over the past year...I have re-evaluated who I am and what I want out of life. 10 years since I graduated high school and nothing I thought was going to happen has happened. All I ever wanted was a psychology degree, a husband, and children. I didn't even care if I had a JOB--as long as I had a formal education. I would have been happier staying home with the kids. I have officially decided that psychology is not for me--and that's something I've wanted to do since I was 13. I feel like I gave up my dream. I refuse to give up on the only other dreams I've ever had--having a husband and a family. I REFUSE. If I give up, I'll feel like I've failed at life. I'll have no dream to chase and no dream to live. But at the same time, I have to continue living my life for myself pretending that I'm going to be single forever. I need to find and make my own way. I need to save money so that maybe I can own a house someday--with or without a man. And if push comes to shove, you better believe I'll be adopting kids. I won't give up on those dreams, no matter what happens. Does anyone see my complete conflict here?????????? Does ANYONE get it?? I am so close to giving up on men it's frightening. Even to me. I have become bitter and skeptical and distrusting of the male species. It's been this way since November, and I can't shake it. I WANT to trust them. I don't want to be bitter. I hate this. But until a man proves himself trustworthy to me, I just can't do it! So basically my conflict is that I don't want to give up my dream, but the finding a mate part is hurting me way too much and I don't think I can do it anymore.

In other news, I am starting a different (not tele-commute) position with Convergys Monday. My orientation is Friday. I'm bummed that it's not a tele-commute position--apparently they're moving the tele-commute positions to WI so I was offered an agent position in-office. We'll see how it goes...I'm not really excited about working in a call center again but I gotta do what I gotta do. Anyway, this has gone on long enough and I'll be shocked if anyone is still reading this pathetic rant.

I HAVE A JOB!!!!

Mmmkay, so 2010 might not suck after all. It appears my unemployment days are over!

I filled out an application for a telecommute position with Convergys, thinking there was absolutely no way I was going to get the job. I have NO tech support experience, but I have a ton of call center experience and I'm a self-proclaimed customer service ninja. But Cincinnati Bell is having layoffs in their tech support dept right now so obviously the market is packed. I thought there was absolutely NO WAY I was going to get the job.

The position is pretty amazing. It's a telecommute position where I would work from home. I would spend 2 weeks training at the company, then I would be sent home with a computer, a phone and a headset. It's a split-shift schedule...the hours are 11-3, then 7-11. It provides benefits and 401k. Can you say "PERFECT JOB"?? I knew you could.

I could not have gotten through the interview process without Joy, Ted and Amber. I didn't even have a resume because it died with my old laptop and I don't have Word or a printer here at home. So Joy and Ted let me use their computer and printer and POOF! I had a resume! I found a pair of pants that fit (they magically appeared in the entertainment room closet) and a pretty sweater (thanks Julie!) to wear, so I was totally prepared. I had to set 2 alarms to wake myself up at 8am, but made it there on time--after all, it's 10 minutes away!

Longest. Interview. Ever. But time FLEW! There was a paper test, followed by a few computer tests and a typing test. Then I went in for my interview. I don't normally interview very well. I'm usually redfaced and sweaty and bumbling over myself. But I was totally at ease because I knew there was no way I was going to get offered the job. I smiled and was friendly instead of being stiff and formal. We did the usual Q&A--"Tell me about a time when a customer made you so mad you wanted to stab a baby panda in the eye but you kept your cool and puckered your asshole and said 'I'm sorry for your trouble, Sir, let me see if I can help you with that'." (Wow, I'm fucking hilarious.) We did a role-playing exercise and I bumbled a little but collected myself. Afterwards, she said they had more interviews lined up but she wanted to see if she could give me an offer now rather than having to wait a week. OMG! I almost peed myself. I filled out all of the pre-employment paperwork and was sent on my way with drug testing paperwork. I went home, celebrated my brand-new employment by practically tap-dancing to the door, ate lunch and went to my drug test. Now, all I have to do is test my internet service and email the HR lady. BARRING DIVINE INTERVENTION, THIS JOB IS MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, I'm psyched. Here are a few reasons why!!! First of all, I'm working from home. No driving for 2 hours a day. No psycho coworkers. No dress code (my planned uniform for day 1 at home is longjohns and a fluffy robe. Maybe knee socks.). No non-smoking laws. There will be a bathroom 5 feet away. There will ALWAYS be a knitting project at the ready. I don't start work until 11am. I have time in the afternoon/evening to run errands or hang with my BFF. The money is good. I can give the finger to my computer screen without anyone looking over my back. They're providing a computer. I don't have to brave the rain/sleet/snow/ice or retarded drivers. I don't have to pay to eat lunch, I can just have my Mommy make me some. :-P If I get sick, I don't need to call in for fear of infecting my coworkers--I can just stuff a tissue up my nose and go about my day (while wearing my longjohns and robe).

The most important thing in all of this is I'm going to receive a serious geek orientation. I need this. To be honest, I don't know very much about how computers/teh interwebz work. *blushes* I just know that they work, and I know how to use them very well. Since this is going to be an internet tech support job, I'm going to need to learn this stuff. I passed all of the tests they gave me...2 of them were really hard and very technical, but would be kid stuff to any of my dear friends who have worked at Zoomtown. So, this is going to provide a really good opportunity to learn more about teh interwebz and computers. Just another skill I get to pack under my belt.

I am fully aware that in this economy, I have absolutely no business getting a job this awesome. I should have lost that job to someone from Zoomtown or someone with ANY tech support experience. I won the job based on my past job performance, personality and customer service record. I'm shocked and amazed, and so is my Mom. Shit, EVERYONE is probably shocked and amazed, and I'm sure a couple of people are pissed that they have more experience. But there are more positions available, as far as I know. Working at home is something I've wanted to do since I worked at Karrass...people would call in and have things sent to their "home office" addresses and I would be SOOOOOOO jealous! Somehow, I managed to land this. I guess it's about damn time something good happened, LOL! *knocks on wood* Anyway, I just wanted to shout from the rooftops that I landed the best job ever. I really hope it meets my expectations. I do realize that I will get frustrated. I will get frustrated with the customers, my internet connection, learning new software, not getting off work until 11pm, etc. But to be honest, the good FAR outweighs the bad in this situation. The freedom of working at home is priceless. I feel totally unworthy, but totally awesome at the same time! Part of me knows I deserve it, but I'm still kinda in shock. I have orientation Feb. 12th, and start training at the facility on the 15th. At-home virtual training starts March 1st, and I start my regular schedule on the 8th.

YAY, I HAVE A JOB!!!!!!!! Jen's year of unemployment is OVER!

My life blows.

I am 28 years old.
Jobless.
Single.
Childless.
Uninsured.
Living with my Mom.
...and about to be carless.

Life sure is fucking awesome. If I didn't know that it would destroy my mother and my best friend, I would just take my car and myself off of the nearest cliff.

2 days in a ROW???

I had the urge to blog again...I've been preoccupied with something all day. I guess the best way for me to relieve my stress is to get the feelings out. I'm working on using my blog therapeutically while still maintaining my own privacy and not revealing too much. I feel comfortable sharing about this part of my life because A)most people already know about it and B)it's just another part of my life that helped make me who I am.

A long, long time ago, I was quite the binge drinker. I also had a pesky prescription drug habit, which was becoming more like a monkey on my back. To get help, I sought the help of AA. I was 19 years old when I made my affiliation with AA--very young. I was brand-new in CA and had no friends. And I mean NO friends. I was slowly but surely welcomed into an amazing group of friends in AA. We started off as a small group of young people in AA (YPAA's for short) and we had a blast together. We hosted dances, went to dances, had movie/poker/spades nights, spent countless nights awake on energy drinks, went to conventions, counseled each other, helped each other stay sober, and never let an ounce of bullshit pass from anyone's lips. We were young, relatively wild, and honestly--as close as family. Over the years, the size of the group swelled and shrank. More people came in & out than I can count. I loved them all in my own special way. Deeply. I could write a paragraph about each of them. After 5 years of continuous sobriety, I still had a lot of doubts as to whether or not I was really an alcoholic. I was miserable all the time, didn't relate to anyone anymore, and I felt like I was outgrowing this group of friends. I made some major mistakes that I'll regret forever before eventually taking a drink in August of 2008.

Due to the mistakes that I made shortly before leaving AA, a lot of my friends turned their backs on me. I completely understand...I probably would have done the same thing. The only difference is that I would have taken the time to listen to the involved person...to get some perspective on why they did what they did. I am not a bad person--I never have been. I am a good person who is HUMAN and sometimes does bad things thinking that the greater good will somehow come out of it. What happened to me was a snowball effect which turned into a complete fucking avalanche. It may have even been forgiven over time. But since I made the decision to leave AA, I no longer had the main common ground I had with my friends before. I sought their forgiveness, and the answer was the same-get back in AA. Problem is--I don't NEED AA! I'm not an alcoholic, as over a year of average-Joe drinking has proven. I am a former binge drinker who used to have a pill addiction. The same 6-pack of beer has been sitting in my fridge since September, and it hasn't been touched. There are 2 unopened bottles of wine. When I drink, I usually have a couple of beers or mixed drinks over a few hours. And I can count on one hand the number of times I've been truly drunk over the past year. Everyone knows I'm a stoner--so what?!?! You'd be surprised how many "normal/average" people smoke that plant. Anyway, AA is more than just a way to stop drinking. It's a way of life--a life I lived from the ages of 19-26. It can be wonderful...I found a lot to be thankful for during that time. Most of all, I was thankful for my friends.

Today, I sometimes mourn those relationships. Especially the close ones. It's hard to express what kind of a loss it is to lose so many friends so quickly. I had known some of these people since the day I walked into my first meeting. They watched me grow and develop. Others, I got to watch grow and develop. We're talking YEARS of friendship and uncountable secrets. Incredible good times. For those that I knew 5+ years...those people were my backbone. One of them was the ringleader in making sure everyone's backs were turned against me. He was my former roommate and one of my closest friends. I can't tell you how much he hurt me with his insults and rallying of the troops to hate me. Another friend (my very best friend in CA, someone I loved so much I thought I was IN love with him...) passively watched as my character was assassinated, then dropped contact with me altogether. A few of my friends stood up for me, none kept in contact. But the people that truly mattered stuck with me through the rough times and are still my friends today. I was around AA for long enough (and especially YPAA) to know that it is highly political and hierarchical. The leaders will always be the leaders, unless they drink or die. YPAA is a huge popularity contest, and most are too afraid to speak up when something is wrong. For instance--there was a guy in our group of friends who was known for sleeping with newly sober (and sometimes underage) girls. Personally, I couldn't stand the guy. I never liked him, but tolerated him because he was a part of the group. I would have stuck my neck out for him if he needed it, but he was not a moral compass for me. However, he was one of the "popular kids" and nobody ever shamed him or turned their backs on him because of his behavior. There was another guy who was newer to the group (although sober longer) who did the same kinds of behavior and he was SEVERELY blackballed. I can name MANY instances of people making the same sort of mistake I did (it's very common, and no I'm not going to tell you) in AA--what was so different/special about what I did? There's a guy who did almost exactly the same thing I did--and he's still a well-respected and trusted member of the group. Even though I was ready to distance myself from the group as a whole (and had been doing so for a few months prior to my drinking), the hypocrisy of the group as a whole makes me never want to return. It's the people I miss, individually. Even the 2 guys who hurt me the most.

I guess it's just a part of growing up and learning lessons, but I've been thinking a lot about these people lately. They were my whole world at one point, and I wonder whether or not they ever miss me as much as I miss them. Are their stories about me good, or do they only talk about the bad things I did? I guess it's hard to tell good stories when you're left with bittersweet memories. My mistakes were at the group level, but it affected people individually and I have to accept that. I'm happy with my life outside of AA...I love it. In fact, I feel like I was holding myself back a lot when I was in AA. Sometimes I feel like those years could have been better spent on getting my education or finding a mate. But I would not trade my experiences for the world. Every experience, good or bad, has turned me into the woman I am today. 99% of the time, I love myself. So I can't look back anymore, mourning and wishing someone would reach out to me. Life has moved forward and so must I.

Cold, hard unemployment.

The moment I was laid off was quite possibly one of the scariest moments of my life. I had just returned back to CA after spending Christmas and New Years in KY, and already had a plan to move back to KY by June. Sarah and I worked out a financial plan for me and I was sticking to it...until January 22nd, 2009. I literally trembled from head to toe while they were giving me the "it's not you, it's me" speech and referring back to the shitty economy and bad business numbers. I was bright red (I could feel my face burning) and crying...it was a real mess. All of the planning I had done in the couple of weeks since I made my decision to move home was for nothing...I needed to move home as soon as possible. I was given a decent severance and applied for unemployment the first day I could. Since then, to be honest, life has been pretty comfortable. I consider myself a house-daughter (think housewife but not really, lol!). I have a lot of free time to spend with my friends and my family. I'm bringing in about $1300/mo right now, and my total bills are $830 or so. This leaves me a little to have fun with, and a growing nest egg in my account. I feel pretty good about my finances, which is odd. As my 1 year anniversary of being unemployed approaches, I'm really torn about what the hell I'm going to do when I HAVE to get a job. This is going to be hard for a few reasons:

1. The job market here SUCKS. I was inspired to write this blog after seeing that OH's unemployment rate is now over 10%. I don't know how I'm going to get a job in this economy, and frankly it scares the hell out of me.

2. I desperately want to focus on school. School is all I want to do. I haven't been in school for 6 years, and I am denying myself a proper education. But I have bills as well, so I'm going to need a job that is flexible enough for me to be able to go to school.

3. I have been genuinely happy with my life over the past year, mostly due to my unemployment! Spending time with my friends and family has been incredible, and I love having a flexible schedule. I like not having a commute. I like not having to deal with the general public--and if I do have to deal with them at least I'm in a position to be able to tell them to fuck off without getting fired. :-P

I'm still making my mind up about school. Part of the problem is whether or not I'll be able to get any grants or loans. I already have a loan that I'm paying on. I filled out a FAFSA earlier this year, and since it went off of the information on my 2008 taxes (mucho dinero earned that year) I was ineligible for money. I wish the money would just fall from the sky, seriously. I've worked too hard for too long to deny myself an education. I'm starving for it. I also still can't figure out whether to go to NKU and work on my psychology degree, or go to Gateway and ensure myself a position in the healthcare field. NKU would take a long time and a lot of unnecessary classes. Gateway is a shorter program that is more focused on your field. Should I deny myself my dream of working as a psychologist (something that I've wanted to do since I was 13) to do what's more convenient for my future? Will I be able to "settle" for healthcare? And will I hate myself for it??? Because honestly, going to Gateway just seems like the better choice at this junction!! Ugh, I just don't know. I'm so tired of thinking about all of this, but if I don't work it out on paper/in blog, I'll never work it out!

Happy New Year!

I absolutely had to blog! Sometimes I let my emotions build up and don't put them into any useful outlet. Then, one day I go to talk about my feelings and simply can't--just too overwhelmed. Today has been one of those days. So...excuse any ranting or long diatribes.

Christmas was fantastic! Somehow, I managed to knit 4 hats in one month--and all of the hats fit their intended owners!!!! I'm super, super proud of myself and I really hope that Maggie, Evelyn, Candice and Angela all wear their hats often. I'm working on a pair of socks for Mom, then a pair of flip-top mittens for Joy and then holiday knitting will officially be OVER! YAY! Anyway, yes, Christmas was great. Everyone loved their gifts, and I loved mine too! I got all kinds of stuff to keep me warm--Christmas jammies, warm socks, thermal long-johns, the most ridiculously soft and warm robe EVER, and an electric blanket to top everything off, LOL! As I type, I'm wearing my Christmas jammie bottoms with a thermal long-john top and am covered up with my electric blanket (set to level 6 of 10--I should mention it's 18 degrees and supposed to snow). I'm toasty...ahhhhhhh. I also got a set of discs to play disc golf with when spring comes!!! I wasn't expecting it, and it was such an awesome surprise to get discs. It shows that my brother John actually pays attention to what I'm into. He's good for stuff like that--he got me the most amazing poker set a few years ago! I got various other functional and fun things for Christmas, but just wanted to mention the stuff that I absolutely love and will get the most use of. We did Christmas on Christmas Eve as always...it was a lot of fun and I love all of our little family traditions. Good food, good conversation, 2 dogs running around, Maggie and Evelyn's smiles when they open a present...it's all awesome. Christmas day is "in-law day" in our family, but as I have no in-laws I ended up spending the first part of the day with Joy and Ted and the second part of the day with Sarah and her family. It was a really great day. I actually get emotional thinking about it, because I have been so lucky to have been semi-adopted into the best families!!! I'm so glad I moved back to Kentucky...it's the best decision I've ever made.

A little backstory before I talk about the day after Christmas--there's this guy. He's one of the 2 shallow men that I was talking about in my previous post. He and I sorta got our wires crossed. See, I'm half-Polish and so is he. Before I even met him in person, I joked about making "Polish babies" with him. Well, I was half-joking, but who's counting? :-P Either way, I was never really serious about trying to hook up with this guy, because I KNEW he was not attracted to bigger girls (even though he was, at one time, fluffy in the middle). When I moved back to KY, I tried to make it clear to him that I wanted to be friends with him and NOTHING MORE. Anyway, I saw him on Christmas at Sarah's parents' house, and we complimented each other on our weight loss (31 lbs now!) and had friendly conversation through the night. I gave him my number so he could harass me to get a bike (on my to-do list since summer). The next day, he texted me and told me one of his favorite local bands was playing at Northside Tavern and suggested I come. I rarely go out, but when I do I really enjoy myself. So I decided it would be a new experience--find my way to the bar by myself, hang out with "Sarah's friend" without Sarah, listen to a cool band, have a drink or 2, and find my way back home. Dude...it was SO not like that. LOL. WTF. Turns out I spent longer on the drive and finding parking than I did actually listening to the band or hanging out. When I caught up with the guy, he was with 2 people I have heard of before but had never met. After introductions, the guy turns to me and says, "By the way, I'm TOTALLY not trying to hook up with you." I told him that wasn't what I was thinking, and what could have been a totally awkward situation was avoided. Oh...but it gets worse. After no more than 5 minutes of small talk, he says to the other girl in our current party (who weighs about 90lbs...) "Oh, I finally did it with a skinny chick and it was everything I hoped it would be. No offense to present company." and looks right at me. My jaw hit the floor, I gathered myself and said, "Gee, thanks" while rolling my eyes. I was so shellshocked, I couldn't even come up with some witty retort as usual. I went to move my car and thought about what he had just said...and I started to get more and more angry. I went back to the bar and they had moved to another area-I'd lost them. I was okay with that because I was there to see the band and I knew the guy was going to be a social butterfly--I had intended on doing this whole adventure on my own and was okay with that. But the longer I thought about the whole situation--HIM commenting on my weight loss, HIM asking for my number, HIM suggesting I come out to this bar, and then HIM insulting me to my face--the more pissed I got. I ended up leaving, coming home angry, throwing things around my room and subsequently crying myself to sleep. It's funny what one little comment can do. Don't get me wrong...I fall in love with my body a little more every day. I like watching it shrink, lol. But my self-esteem hasn't always been good. It takes a million feel-good comments to make a person feel good...and sometimes only 1 offensive comment to make a person forget the million good comments they've heard. The funny thing about it is that by the next day, I wasn't pissed off anymore. Sarah got angrier overnight, and I got more mellow. I guess when you're used to getting kicked around, you get over it easier. She ended up talking to him and letting him know that he had offended me. He apparently knew what was coming out of his mouth as he said it and couldn't stop himself. He's a bit of a social retard, so I can excuse that. I do look forward to an apology, but I'm not holding my breath. Please record this incident as #746 why I fucking hate the male race. :-)

The next day, I was up bright and early to go to the Nutcracker! Joy and Amber got tickets and I was invited, so off we went! We had a good time...we ended up leaving at intermission because little Bailey didn't understand why she couldn't get up on the stage and dance--it was her turn! LOL! I was okay with leaving though--the Nutcracker is LONNNNNNNNNG (I've seen it before) and can be really boring for kids. Luckily Bailey was still smiling when we left so disaster was averted. :-P Anyway, we had fun. It's weird...gratitude runs over gratitude when I'm with Julie's family. Joy and Ted are so grateful towards me that I almost feel undeserving, and I have so much gratitude for them that I have a hard time putting it into words. I still miss Julie and think about her every single day. I wish she would have been around for Christmas. I miss that goofy laugh of hers. :-)

Last night's NYE party at Sarah's was much more mellow than last year...it was small and comfortable. I overindulged in Japanese plum wine and bourbon balls, combined with the other drinky-poos I had throughout the night. I spent the night--I know they only live a 1/2 mile away but I was intoxicated and I will never, EVER drive drunk. In the morning, I was greeted with coffee and breakfast (YAYZ!!) and made my way home. And today I have been a lazy slug, LOL! I can't party like I used to. :-P I absolutely love the friendships that I've cultivated here in KY. If I had it my way, I would hang out with Sarah, Erik, Karen and Than every single day. They are full of awesome, and I am lucky.

I don't really have any resolutions for 2010. I'm just going to keep moving onward and upward. I'll be back in school this year, I'll have to get a job, and I'm going to keep working on myself both inside and out. Men are on the back burner. Hell, men aren't even on the stove right now. I have other things to worry about, and frankly I'm just too bitter to be bothered with them. So...here's to a happy, healthy and fantastic 2010! I hope everyone has a better year than in 2009--it's time for some good juju!