I promise I'll write a long blog soon. God knows I need to. It's been a long couple of weeks and I still have a trips to CA and NY in the next week. I'll be in CA Friday-Monday, then I'll be driving up to NY to get my Mom and drive her back to KY. I'm exhausted, emotionally drained, and probably going completely insane. I'm traumatized, resentful, angry, jealous...at my family, at God, and at Justin. I'm trying really hard to maintain a positive attitude and just be "Jen" but I'm not right now. I hope this gets better. I left NY feeling free and was happy to finally be alone to think for the first time since God knows when...but by the time I got back to KY I was a crying, sniveling mess and I feel like my world is falling apart. Introspection will do that to a person, especially when they've had a rough year like I have.
More later...
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
First post, new blog!
Well, I guess I'm officially transitioning to my blogspot blog...we'll see how this works out!
I just really needed to get some things off my mind and figured it's been way too long since I've blogged. So here goes...let me preface this by saying I have a raging case of PMS and I've been crying on and off all day and feeling really lonely and really hopeless.
I just don't know where to begin. I am sooooo conflicted right now, more than I've been in a long time. More than I was when I was just *planning* the move to KY. Right now, at this very moment...I feel safe, sad, happy, regretful, and confused. All at the same time. I'm excited about the future, but right now things aren't going so well and that really worries me. I'm sure that once I get all the way settled in, I'll be okay. But right now, I feel like I made a major move and there's no going back...and I wish I could. Don't get me wrong...I love being here! I missed it. But it's so different than where I've been living for the past 8 years, and that takes a lot of adjustment. A lot of people are kinda expecting me to just ADJUST, and I want to tell them all to fuck off. It's a lot harder than I ever anticipated. EVERYTHING, from the geography to the people...it's all different. Yes, I know I grew up here. Stop throwing it in my face. My attitude and my personality has changed over the past 8 years. My expectations of certain things have changed. A WHOLE LOT has changed. I am still the same person I always was at the core...and that's the hardest part.
I finally heard from Unemployment, and I finally have a check on the way after going without for more than a month. Thank God I had the deposit from my apartment to keep me on my feet during this time. Money is tight anyway, but this is ridiculous. I have about $350 to my name, and $700 on the way. Meanwhile, I have a laundry list of things to take care of that are going to cost a ton of money. Such as...
1. Getting car insurance. I was under the assumption that car insurance would be cheaper here. Unfortunately, I was wrong. Not only is car insurance slightly more expensive...I have that stupid red-light ticket that apparently will haunt me for another 2 1/2 years. The lowest quote I've received has been over $1000 for 6 months. Not cool.
2. Getting the car registered. I haven't even made a trip to the gov't building here, because I just don't have the money to register it. I have a feeling I'm going to run into some real trouble registering my car here in KY, because of CA. KY has to request the title from CA because I am making payments on the car, I still have to pay the damn red-light ticket, and I have a feeling that it's going to be a REAL PROBLEM, costing me LOTS OF MONEY.
3. I'm trying to make myself truly comfortable here. Since my Mom can't/doesn't go up the stairs often, I basically have free reign up there. I'm going to turn my childhood bedroom into my "living room"...we put cable in there and got high-speed internet (thank God!!!) a few weeks ago and I still don't have a TV. Of course, I'm paying for the internet service and for the extra outlet in the house, so I'd like to get a TV ASAP so I can use what I'm paying for. I also want to get some kind of entertainment center and a chair/loveseat for that room. Money money money.
4. I'm planning a trip to CA for the end of May to see Justin's play and possibly tie up some loose ends with the CA government. I really, REALLY need to take this trip. First of all, I need it. Second of all, I want nothing more than to support my friend. But, it's gonna cost money. I have a feeling I'm going to have to do the irresponsible thing and just buy my ticket when I get my next check (which should be here this week). Plane tickets just get more expensive the longer I wait.
I just started taking Melatonin because I've been having a hard time sleeping, and I have to say it's working wonders! 3 nights in a row, I've slept pretty well. Last night wasn't so great (I went to bed a little angry) but for the most part I'm sleeping much better.
I have settled into a bit of a routine, though, and that's good. Mondays and Wednesdays are spent with BFF Sarah, knitting and burning and hanging out. This Tuesday, I spent time with an old High-School friend who is suffering from a form of dementia. I will be going over there a lot as well, to help her Parents out and spend time with her while she's still around. Thursdays and Sundays are the best days for me to do housework, etc. Life is very laid-back. Nobody seems to make plans around here...I'm having a hard time with that attitude. I'm used to making plans a week in advance, no less than a few days. Again...an adjustment. ;-)
My Mom and I are getting along fine. I try not to intrude on her personal space, while helping her take care of things. She tries not to intrude on my personal time, while asking me to help her. All in all, it's a dance. But it's working well. She's more than willing to listen to me jabber on and on about whatever I'm feeling at the time, and that helps a lot. It also gives me a real sense of purpose just trying to get her out of the house. I've been successful for the most part...she's been willing to go out with me for short periods of time and run errands, etc. We got her hair cut shortly after I got here, and I know it did wonders for her! I like doing random little stuff around the house without being asked...it makes me feel like I'm doing this all for a reason.
I'm just kinda lonely. It seems like everyone around me has someone to be with on a constant basis. Sarah has Erik, Jamie has Alonzo...I know they're trying but it's really hard to relate sometimes. I'm hearing from friends from High School too and that makes it good. I just have to build up some kind of social structure. It's REALLY hard to be single out here...way harder than it ever was in CA.
I miss my CA friends, too. So much. I don't even really think I can talk about it right now, because my eyes just filled up with tears. But I promise you...I miss you more than I can say. It's hard to adjust and meet new people. I have very eclectic taste in EVERYTHING. TV, music, movies...and frankly I'm frustrated with not having anyone to talk to about sports and music. I'm tired of being told my taste sucks. Or being told that a movie I like is stupid. I just miss having people to talk to about pop culture, because it really is something I'm interested in. Of course, pop culture isn't my only interest...but I refuse to let go of the things I'm interested in just because I don't currently have anyone to share things with. I'll keep watching the Angels games on GameCast and on TV when I can, keep watching American Idol, keep up with what albums are coming out and dammit...JUST BECAUSE I MAY NOT LIKE WHAT YOU LIKE DOESN'T MAKE ME "LESS THAN" OR WHATEVER. It's just what I like. Everyone who knows me, knows that I'm not 1-dimensional. For God's sake...I don't have to be just like you to be liked. I'm awesome just the way I am.
I have, however, picked up a new hobby I LOVE! I learned how to knit almost as soon as I got here, and it's been the one thing that can really relax me and make me feel like I'm being truly useful. I can't wait to make my Nieces some stuff for Christmas, and hopefully even before then! Once I got the hang of it, I started to enjoy it and I'm working on my first little project. It's nothing special...just a dishcloth...but it has a pattern and it's going to be really cute!!! I'm well on my way to making clothes for myself and anyone who will sit still long enough for me to measure them, LOL! It's good, too, because my Mom knits and crochets and it's something that we can do together. After I get more comfortable with my knitting (which BFF Sarah taught me how to do), I'm going to have my Mom teach me to crochet.
I guess that's about it. I have much more to talk about, but I have a feeling this entry makes it sound like I'm not enjoying myself here. I am. I'm just extremely lonely. I'm on/off with being "homesick" for CA. Nobody said it was gonna be easy...but I'm out here now so there's nothing I can do about it! I'm just sick of being sad. :-( I'm just going to make the best of this situation and the lessons that are offered to me by God every single day.
I just really needed to get some things off my mind and figured it's been way too long since I've blogged. So here goes...let me preface this by saying I have a raging case of PMS and I've been crying on and off all day and feeling really lonely and really hopeless.
I just don't know where to begin. I am sooooo conflicted right now, more than I've been in a long time. More than I was when I was just *planning* the move to KY. Right now, at this very moment...I feel safe, sad, happy, regretful, and confused. All at the same time. I'm excited about the future, but right now things aren't going so well and that really worries me. I'm sure that once I get all the way settled in, I'll be okay. But right now, I feel like I made a major move and there's no going back...and I wish I could. Don't get me wrong...I love being here! I missed it. But it's so different than where I've been living for the past 8 years, and that takes a lot of adjustment. A lot of people are kinda expecting me to just ADJUST, and I want to tell them all to fuck off. It's a lot harder than I ever anticipated. EVERYTHING, from the geography to the people...it's all different. Yes, I know I grew up here. Stop throwing it in my face. My attitude and my personality has changed over the past 8 years. My expectations of certain things have changed. A WHOLE LOT has changed. I am still the same person I always was at the core...and that's the hardest part.
I finally heard from Unemployment, and I finally have a check on the way after going without for more than a month. Thank God I had the deposit from my apartment to keep me on my feet during this time. Money is tight anyway, but this is ridiculous. I have about $350 to my name, and $700 on the way. Meanwhile, I have a laundry list of things to take care of that are going to cost a ton of money. Such as...
1. Getting car insurance. I was under the assumption that car insurance would be cheaper here. Unfortunately, I was wrong. Not only is car insurance slightly more expensive...I have that stupid red-light ticket that apparently will haunt me for another 2 1/2 years. The lowest quote I've received has been over $1000 for 6 months. Not cool.
2. Getting the car registered. I haven't even made a trip to the gov't building here, because I just don't have the money to register it. I have a feeling I'm going to run into some real trouble registering my car here in KY, because of CA. KY has to request the title from CA because I am making payments on the car, I still have to pay the damn red-light ticket, and I have a feeling that it's going to be a REAL PROBLEM, costing me LOTS OF MONEY.
3. I'm trying to make myself truly comfortable here. Since my Mom can't/doesn't go up the stairs often, I basically have free reign up there. I'm going to turn my childhood bedroom into my "living room"...we put cable in there and got high-speed internet (thank God!!!) a few weeks ago and I still don't have a TV. Of course, I'm paying for the internet service and for the extra outlet in the house, so I'd like to get a TV ASAP so I can use what I'm paying for. I also want to get some kind of entertainment center and a chair/loveseat for that room. Money money money.
4. I'm planning a trip to CA for the end of May to see Justin's play and possibly tie up some loose ends with the CA government. I really, REALLY need to take this trip. First of all, I need it. Second of all, I want nothing more than to support my friend. But, it's gonna cost money. I have a feeling I'm going to have to do the irresponsible thing and just buy my ticket when I get my next check (which should be here this week). Plane tickets just get more expensive the longer I wait.
I just started taking Melatonin because I've been having a hard time sleeping, and I have to say it's working wonders! 3 nights in a row, I've slept pretty well. Last night wasn't so great (I went to bed a little angry) but for the most part I'm sleeping much better.
I have settled into a bit of a routine, though, and that's good. Mondays and Wednesdays are spent with BFF Sarah, knitting and burning and hanging out. This Tuesday, I spent time with an old High-School friend who is suffering from a form of dementia. I will be going over there a lot as well, to help her Parents out and spend time with her while she's still around. Thursdays and Sundays are the best days for me to do housework, etc. Life is very laid-back. Nobody seems to make plans around here...I'm having a hard time with that attitude. I'm used to making plans a week in advance, no less than a few days. Again...an adjustment. ;-)
My Mom and I are getting along fine. I try not to intrude on her personal space, while helping her take care of things. She tries not to intrude on my personal time, while asking me to help her. All in all, it's a dance. But it's working well. She's more than willing to listen to me jabber on and on about whatever I'm feeling at the time, and that helps a lot. It also gives me a real sense of purpose just trying to get her out of the house. I've been successful for the most part...she's been willing to go out with me for short periods of time and run errands, etc. We got her hair cut shortly after I got here, and I know it did wonders for her! I like doing random little stuff around the house without being asked...it makes me feel like I'm doing this all for a reason.
I'm just kinda lonely. It seems like everyone around me has someone to be with on a constant basis. Sarah has Erik, Jamie has Alonzo...I know they're trying but it's really hard to relate sometimes. I'm hearing from friends from High School too and that makes it good. I just have to build up some kind of social structure. It's REALLY hard to be single out here...way harder than it ever was in CA.
I miss my CA friends, too. So much. I don't even really think I can talk about it right now, because my eyes just filled up with tears. But I promise you...I miss you more than I can say. It's hard to adjust and meet new people. I have very eclectic taste in EVERYTHING. TV, music, movies...and frankly I'm frustrated with not having anyone to talk to about sports and music. I'm tired of being told my taste sucks. Or being told that a movie I like is stupid. I just miss having people to talk to about pop culture, because it really is something I'm interested in. Of course, pop culture isn't my only interest...but I refuse to let go of the things I'm interested in just because I don't currently have anyone to share things with. I'll keep watching the Angels games on GameCast and on TV when I can, keep watching American Idol, keep up with what albums are coming out and dammit...JUST BECAUSE I MAY NOT LIKE WHAT YOU LIKE DOESN'T MAKE ME "LESS THAN" OR WHATEVER. It's just what I like. Everyone who knows me, knows that I'm not 1-dimensional. For God's sake...I don't have to be just like you to be liked. I'm awesome just the way I am.
I have, however, picked up a new hobby I LOVE! I learned how to knit almost as soon as I got here, and it's been the one thing that can really relax me and make me feel like I'm being truly useful. I can't wait to make my Nieces some stuff for Christmas, and hopefully even before then! Once I got the hang of it, I started to enjoy it and I'm working on my first little project. It's nothing special...just a dishcloth...but it has a pattern and it's going to be really cute!!! I'm well on my way to making clothes for myself and anyone who will sit still long enough for me to measure them, LOL! It's good, too, because my Mom knits and crochets and it's something that we can do together. After I get more comfortable with my knitting (which BFF Sarah taught me how to do), I'm going to have my Mom teach me to crochet.
I guess that's about it. I have much more to talk about, but I have a feeling this entry makes it sound like I'm not enjoying myself here. I am. I'm just extremely lonely. I'm on/off with being "homesick" for CA. Nobody said it was gonna be easy...but I'm out here now so there's nothing I can do about it! I'm just sick of being sad. :-( I'm just going to make the best of this situation and the lessons that are offered to me by God every single day.
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