We're in the process of moving, and in a large box I found an old notebook from school. While flipping through it, I found a couple of journal entries I made nearly 5 years ago. I'm going to copy them in their entirety. Current notes will be in brackets.
12-27-12
Sometimes I just need to let it all out. This has been the most wonderful and depressing year of my life, and I'm really hoping that next year will be better. I didn't realize that so much joy and sorry can be intertwined.
Planning our wedding was an extremely fun and stressful process. The stress was exasperated by my former "best friend", who made everything about her. After over 15 years of living in her shadow, my happiness and independence apparently proved to be too much for her. She completely ruined the experience of buying/shopping for y wedding dress, selfishly scheduled activities on the same days I had fun wedding stuff going on, alienated my other bridesmaids by being a rude and selfish bitch, and then made me pay for everything for my own bachelorette party. Then, when I called her out on it, she became defensive and refused to acknowledge my hurt over the situation. I decided that day, 9 days before the wedding, that I deserved better than to be treated like shit and cut her out of my life. It's been 3 months now since I've spoken to her, and I'm fairly sure she still feels no remorse. For once in our friendship, my life was going better than hers and she just couldn't handle it. I steadily lost weight while she gained with her 2nd pregnancy, my sex life was fantastic while hers fell flat, and I was planning a wedding she couldn't even dream of. For the first time ever, I felt like she was jealous of me--but the only way she could express it was to be a horrid bitch. She was absolutely the most miserable, apathetic, unsympathetic person I've ever come into contact with, and honestly I'm glad to be rid of her. Of course, her mother had no interest in hearing my side of the story, and instead cut me off altogether. I miss Erik and Lucy, and her dad...but I know I'm better off without her in my life. [There is so much more to this story, I don't even know where to start. I think I'll leave this alone--it accurately represents my anger at the time.]
Other than my wedding day, the happiest moment I had this year was a positive pregnancy test. For 4 weeks, I was lucky enough to have a little life growing inside of me...a little combination of Derek and myself that I'm sure would have brought us incredible joy. We went to our first OB appointment with so much hope in our hearts, so much excitement! My joy turned to sorry, though, when I saw our amazing baby had no heartbeat. It was so hard to see that perfect little nugget on the screen--so perfectly made--not moving. No blood flow. No fluttering heart. What was supposed to be a joyful experience turned into yet another heartbreak. The baby had stopp4ed growing at least a week before we found out we lost it, and I am still sitting here waiting for our baby to leave my body. The waiting has been horrible--feeling like I am still pregnant and knowing my baby is not alive is killing me. I still hope to pass it before my next appointment--I don't want a D&C. I want to see my baby and grieve it. I want to have that moment, even if it's by myself in the bathroom. I'm sure that I will be even more grateful when we get pregnant again and succeed in keeping it alive...it doesn't make it any less difficult, though. I'm not a religio8us person, nor do I believe in angels--but I desperately want to believe that my father is watching over my little one's perfect little soul. It's the only way I can cope with this loss, other than the support of my amazing husband. I am so, so very lucky to have him in my life. I have never loved another person the way I love Derek...he is everything to me and I can't picture my life without him. From spending hours texting me when mom was in the hospital, to holding me tighter than ever when dad died, to holding my pieces together when we lost our baby...he is the most incredible source of love and support I've ever known.
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