Life as usual.

Things are pretty good around here. The trip to Laurel Lake with Sarah and her folks really changed my perspective on everything. I am happy here in KY, 9 times out of 10. I get to see my Nieces all the time, and they adore me. I am so thankful I'm able to be a part of their lives and watch them grow up. They're so different and so amazing at the same time. Maggie has become such an incredible young lady. She's inquisitive and hungry for knowledge. She keeps herself busy and entertained, which is nice when you run out of ideas of things to do with her. :-) She asks the most awesome questions, and they come out at random about completely random things. Her laugh is hilarious...she has the strangest sense of humor and I totally adore it. Evelyn has become like my shadow. She follows me EVERYWHERE! She will call and talk to my Mom almost every day, and almost always asks to talk to me. When I get on the phone with her, I'll start walking around the house and I'll ask her what she's doing. She'll say, "Oh, just walking around the house...". She's so much like me it's scary. Except she likes to be outside more than I ever have. :-P I have had so much fun with both of them lately...painting and playing with sidewalk chalk in the backyard, catching fireflies, picking flowers...I remind myself that they're out of school and it's summertime...so even when I don't want to go outside I do it anyway. Who wants to remember summers as a child stuck inside??


My Mom and I are getting along great. She's still dealing with losing Cioci Denise, and it's been very hard on her. Add to that her pain...and she's not in a good spot right now. Most days, it's okay. But she's not functioning NEAR on the level she was before we went to Utica. Yesterday, she was in so much pain she stayed completely fucked up all day and night. She could barely get out of bed, and couldn't stand. Today, she managed to get herself breakfast but hasn't been able to get up since. I hate seeing her like this. Absolutely hate it. I try to maintain a positive attitude and keep her distracted in whatever ways I can, but it is heartbreaking to be in a conversation with her and all of a sudden she cries out in pain. I don't know what to do about it, I know there's nothing I really *can* do about it. There is, apparently, some kind of implant she can get that may help the nerve pain, and I'm trying to convince her to get it. She's scared that it won't work, or that she'll get meningitis (her words, not mine!). I've also convinced her that her pain pills are torturing her kidneys and liver, and that she should try Melatonin to help her sleep. She took 2 last night, and still couldn't sleep because of the pain. I just don't know what to do. Because she's been awake for almost 2 days straight, she's smoked 2 packs of cigarettes. She's got a cough, her Dr is on vacation, and she won't see another Dr in the practice. She has a sore on her leg (another one...there was one that *just* healed and now there's another) from a little round piece on her catheter which was rubbing her leg and she couldn't feel it. At least we know where the sores came from, and now we can avoid getting any more. I felt really smart when I figured out where the 2nd one came from. :-P


I've been dying to spend more time with Julie, and things just haven't been working in my favor. She's doing okay overall, but is apparently having some trouble drinking. It makes me sad. I love spending time with her, helping her, helping Joy and Ted, helping her Dad, doing whatever I can. Every time I see her, I come home and fill my Mom in on what she did and how she's doing. I have to say that it makes my Mom grateful. As with my Mom, it makes me crazy that someone with so much promise and such an awesome spirit already has their best years behind them. But...she makes me think about my life and what my goals are. Especially when it comes to family. Leaving Justin made so much more sense to me when I thought, "Would he be willing to care for me if I had this disease, or any other for that matter?" The answer is NO, and I think those are things to think about when you're choosing a mate. When Joy and Ted went out of town for the FTD conference, I really wanted to take Julie out to a movie and to eat, and unload things off my chest. Unfortunately, her husband kept her pretty busy the whole time and I wasn't able to see her. I previously told her a little bit about my frustrations with the opposite sex, and she laughed her ass off. She can't talk, but she understands every word I say and she understands where I'm coming from. I love making her laugh...it's like I've accomplished something. The more she smiles, the better off everyone is and the easier it is to deal with what's going on. I wish there was more education about this kind of disease. I had NEVER heard of it before, and neither had my Mom who was a Nurse for 26 years. But when someone who is your age (a little older) has dementia and is now mute and incontinent at 31 years of age...it makes you stand up and pay attention. I have to say, though...she is an absolute joy to be around and I adore her Parents (all three of them :-P).


BFF Sarah and Erik the Betrothed bought a house! And it's less than a mile from my house! I have had so much fun helping them set up. My Cancer homemaking urges have totally kicked in, and I've started thinking about how much I want to get done around this house. I've had a blast stripping wallpaper and painting, hanging out in the hammock in the backyard, watching Jack with a goofy-ass grin on his face as he chases squirrels and runs hither and yon, and helping them beautify their home. I'm so happy they've moved closer. Now, if only I can get Jamie to move to Florence, I'll be totally happy! :-D


Elise and Lenny are getting married TODAY!!! OMG! FINALLY! I am so happy for them. Elise has been one of the best people ever in my life, and I am elated that this is finally happening for her. I wish I could be there...hindsight is always 20/20 but I really wish I wouldn't have gone to CA in May so that I could have afforded to be there now. Maybe when Baby Hillinger is born, I can make a trip. For all of the things Elise has done for me, I feel terrible that I can't be there. She was one of the only people in CA who truly accepted me for who I am, stayed my friend through thick and thin, never rejected me, and went above and beyond for me. She's an example. For real.


I've been doing a lot of reflecting and just getting on with life. I have the need to flirt, which I imagine I'll be doing very soon. That's definitely a sign that I'm getting more "back to myself". For the first time in a long time, I feel completely single. And it's GOOD! I finally feel free to really flirt with people, to date, to have something healthy in my life and not be restricted. I haven't felt like a single woman in over a year, and right now I feel like I have a whole world of men to choose from. This time...I'll make better choices. It's kinda hard not to make a good choice when I have my Mom, Sarah, Jamie, etc all keeping tabs on what kind of guy I choose. They will not steer me wrong. Sometimes my "picker" has a glitch and I end up in a situation where I waste far too much time and energy on a man who is no good for me. All of the women in my life today have a vested interest in seeing my complete happiness with a guy who is worthy of me and who is willing to put in as much work into a relationship as I am. I KNEW I was redeemable!!!! I KNEW I could get out of my rut and realize what is good for me and what isn't. What is healthy and what isn't. Who to spend my time with and who to ignore. The thing is...if 2 or more important people in my life don't approve of who I'm with...they're probably right. Especially when it comes to Sarah and Jamie, because if they agree on ANYTHING it's a big surprise. :-P Lesson?--LISTEN TO THOSE WHO MATTER. THOSE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO ARE MOST AFFECTED BY YOUR ACTIONS, EXCEPT YOURSELF.


I've lost weight, almost 20 pounds to be exact! I'm down 2 dress sizes...I haven't been this size since college! I'm used to buying a 22/24, and I bought a pair of jeans that are a straight-up 20! And they FIT! COMFORTABLY!!!! I'm the Amazing Shrinking Jen. I don't know how it happened, but it did and I'm just gonna keep doing what I'm doing and hope that I slim down some more. I don't see myself ever being smaller than a 16 (given my bone structure and height) but I think I'd shit myself if I made it there. My biggest fear is losing my boobs. :-P It's been a combination of eating breakfast in the morning (less hungry through the day), restricting my munchie intake (40 calorie fudgesicles FTW), and most of the time I'm upstairs in my room by 10pm so late-night snacking is easy to resist. Plus, I'm not in CA (Land of Mexican Food) anymore, so my diet has been totally different. I rarely have fast food anymore, and I know that's made a huge difference. Also, I am always drinking sugar-free kool-aid, reduced sugar cranberry juice, or Sprite Zero...a far cry from the gallons of energy drinks I used to consume. Add in a little bit of exercise (running around with my Nieces, etc), and the weight is coming off.


My birthday was great! I got lots of phone calls and texts and facebook comments. I am definitely loved. Mom made salad, lasagna and garlic bread for dinner, and a cake for dessert. The whole family got together the Sunday afterwards for dinner. Mom was in a lot of pain and we had to leave early, but it was good to be with everyone again. I miss our regular Sunday dinners. Hopefully I can get this house in good shape soon and we can do it like we used to.


So, that's life. Everything is getting better, a little bit at a time. I have my good days and bad days, but overall I'm so happy. I finally got a KY drivers license and I'm working on getting my license plates and registration. Let's hope that works out. I changed my phone number to a KY number, and let me tell you...it has been the most freeing thing of all. Now, people who I don't want to have my phone number DON'T HAVE IT! I don't have to give it to them! They can't call me anymore! *I* get to choose who has the number. I like that a lot. I was nervous about changing my number because I've had the same number for over 3 years now...but it was pretty easy to text or call all of the affected parties and let them know. And those that I don't want to hear from...can kiss my ass. ;-) Things are falling into place, I'm almost totally adjusted to KY. It took a little over 3 months, but I'm finally in a place where I'm happy to be here and I'm looking forward to the future.