Transcribed from paper--1/1/13

We're in the process of moving, and in a large box I found an old notebook from school.  While flipping through it, I found a couple of journal entries I made nearly 5 years ago.  I'm going to copy them in their entirety.  Current notes will be in brackets.

1/1/13

Saturday, December 29, 2012 was a life-changing day for me.  I woke up to some light pink spotting, and figured that I would probably miscarry sometime that day or the next.  At the very least, I was thankful for a sign that it was coming.  I went about my day with a pad on.  Derek and I went outside and built an awesome snowman.  :-)  At about 4pm, I was sitting at the computer when I felt a cramp, then felt myself start to bleed.  I stood up to go to bathroom, and felt a massive gush of fluid.  By the time I made it to the bathroom, I had soaked both my pad and my underwear.  I sat on the toilet, and just gushed blood.  The cramping was mild, but I was horrified at the amount of blood coming out of my body.  I would stand up to check the contents of the toilet, hoping to find my baby there, and when I sat back down there was blood all over the floor.  This process repeated itself a few times, until the toilet was full of blood so thick I couldn't distinguish what was clots and what could have been tissue.  I called my OB but the office was closed, so I left a message for the on-0call doc to call me back and tell me what the hell to do.  I called my mom and she tried to comfort me, but I was so scared and the cramps started coming with greater intensity.  I sat on the toilet, monitoring both the loss of blood and the clots as well as I could.  Suddenly, a very intense wave of nausea hut me and I vomited into the trash can.  This scared the living hell out of me, as I NEVER threw up during the pregnancy.  At this point, I felt like I was losing too much blood and the nausea was causing me to dry heave which made me bleed more.  I was scared, Derek was scared, so even though the OB hadn't called me back we headed to Mercy.  In the car, the cramps became powerful contractions.  I threw up everything I had eaten during the day into a plastic bag in the car.  [I should note that we ate some of the top layer of our wedding cake, which was pink, and it scared the hell out of everyone to see that vomit until I remembered what I had eaten.]  I could only apologize to Derek for the smell and grossness of it all, and he told me not to apologize.  It had been about an hour since the bleeding started, and I was in agony.  I was convinced that I was hemorrhaging and dying.  When we got to the ER, I spent most of my wait on the toilet, contracting hard and bleeding like crazy.  They finally called us back.  It was hard, from that point on, to have any concept of time.  I was uncomfortable on the bed, and my contractions were getting longer, stronger, and closer together.  I was still bleeding very heavily.  I was aggravated because nobody had come in to check how much blood I had lost, and nobody seemed to care how much pain I was in or about the fact that I was regularly vomiting and dry heaving.  I could barely breathe.  Derek was wonderful--I kept my eyes closed most of time because of how much pain I was in, but he kept pulling up cute pictures of Daily to distract me.  I can't imagine how helpless he must have felt, watching me writhe in pain and puke and bleed, and being unable to do anything about it.  He answered questions on my behalf, held my hand, fetched nurses for me...he was an absolute price.  The doctor finally came in and checked me, noting that my cervix was still closed.  Given that I was bleeding so much and contracting so hard, this scared me even more..  I thought I might never pass the baby.  Shortly after the doc left, the nurse came back ni with a shot of Dilaudid for my IV.  Within minutes, I finally felt some relief.  I had another massive contraction and a HUGE gush, and called the nurse in again.  I think that might have been when I passed the baby, though I wouldn't know any facts until later and I honestly still don't know if that's when it happened.  They cleaned me up (thank goodness--it was feeling like a wet, sticky war zone by that point) [Jesus Jennifer, do you have to be so descriptive all the time?], and let me know that they got in touch with my OB and that I would need to go to Good Sam for a D&C.  They disconnected my IV and sent me with Derek to do the transfer.  By that time, the Dilaudid had me fairly comfortable and the bleeding had slowed down.  When we got to Good Sam, I was immediately brought to labor and delivery, into a special D&C recovery room.  My nurse, Donna, was an absolute peach and one of the best medical professionals I've ever come across.  She restarted my IV, answered a lot of my questions, engaged me in conversation, and even brought me an ice chip even though she wasn't supposed to.  Dr. Wall was also amazing.  He really explained the procedure to me and answered every question I had.  He made me feel better about trying to get pregnant again, and I think Derek and I both felt a loot better after talking to him.  When the CRNA came in, he basically gave me 3 options.  Local anesthesia w/ twilight, epidural w/ twilight, and general anesthesia.  I had planned on getting the general, but the CRNA was nervous about my airway because I had eaten that day.  Who cares that I threw everything up??  Either way, I ended up calling my mom for advice and she recommended the general so I went with that.  The procedure was over in a flash, and the next thing I knew I was back in the recovery room, looking at my wonderful husband.  I wasn't in pain.  It took me a while to get my bearings enough to eat, drink, and pee, but eventually we were able to leave.  I think we got home around 1:30 am.  While being wheeled out of the hospital, I became aware of exactly how empty I felt--no more baby, dead or alive.

The next few days, including today and who-knows how many more days, have been filled with sadness.  It comes in waves.  I think of how much pain I was in and how scared I was, how much blood there was and how fast everything happened...and I cry.  I think about my baby-how much I loved it and wanted it, how sad I am that I won't ever get to hold it  or give it a name...and I cry.  I think about my dad, and how much I could have used his love and support through all of this...and I cry.  I think about my incredible husband, how much I love him and how grateful I am that he was there through everything...and I cry.

So now, I suppose it's time to move on.  The soil has been tilled, my body is healing, and I'm sure my heart will too eventually.  My biggest goal for this year is to know everything I can about my reproductive health and to fix anything that needs fixing.  Then, we will try again.  I won't give p on my lifelong dream to become a mother, and I'm going to do everything I can to have a baby of my own.  A little piece of Derek and myself, with dark brown hair, sparkly green eyes, rosy chubby cheeks, chubby thighs, and a vivacious and hilarious personality.  There is nothing I want more.

Transcribed from paper--12/29/12

We're in the process of moving, and in a large box I found an old notebook from school.  While flipping through it, I found a couple of journal entries I made nearly 5 years ago.  I'm going to copy them in their entirety.  Current notes will be in brackets.

12-27-12

Sometimes I just need to let it all out.  This has been the most wonderful and depressing year of my life, and I'm really hoping that next year will be better.  I didn't realize that so much joy and sorry can be intertwined.

Planning our wedding was an extremely fun and stressful process.  The stress was exasperated by my former "best friend", who made everything about her.  After over 15 years of living in her shadow, my happiness and independence apparently proved to be too much for her.  She completely ruined the experience of buying/shopping for y wedding dress, selfishly scheduled activities on the same days I had fun wedding stuff going on, alienated my other bridesmaids by being a rude and selfish bitch, and then made me pay for everything for my own bachelorette party.  Then, when I called her out on it, she became defensive and refused to acknowledge my hurt over the situation.  I decided that day, 9 days before the wedding, that I deserved better than to be treated like shit and cut her out of my life.  It's been 3 months now since I've spoken to her, and I'm fairly sure she still feels no remorse.  For once in our friendship, my life was going better than hers and she just couldn't handle it.  I steadily lost weight while she gained with her 2nd pregnancy, my sex life was fantastic while hers fell flat, and I was planning a wedding she couldn't even dream of.  For the first time ever, I felt like she was jealous of me--but the only way she could express it was to be a horrid bitch.  She was absolutely the most miserable, apathetic, unsympathetic person I've ever come into contact with, and honestly I'm glad to be rid of her.  Of course, her mother had no interest in hearing my side of the story, and instead cut me off altogether.  I miss Erik and Lucy, and her dad...but I know I'm better off without her in my life.  [There is so much more to this story, I don't even know where to start.  I think I'll leave this alone--it accurately represents my anger at the time.]

Other than my wedding day, the happiest moment I had this year was a positive pregnancy test.  For 4 weeks, I was lucky enough to have a little life growing inside of me...a little combination of Derek and myself that I'm sure would have brought us incredible joy.  We went to our first OB appointment with so much hope in our hearts, so much excitement!  My joy turned to sorry, though, when I saw our amazing baby had no heartbeat.  It was so hard to see that perfect little nugget on the screen--so perfectly made--not moving.  No blood flow.  No fluttering heart.  What was supposed to be a joyful experience turned into yet another heartbreak.  The baby had stopp4ed growing at least a week before we found out we lost it, and I am still sitting here waiting for our baby to leave my body.  The waiting has been horrible--feeling like I am still pregnant and knowing my baby is not alive is killing me.  I still hope to pass it before my next appointment--I don't want a D&C.  I want to see my baby and grieve it.  I want to have that moment, even if it's by myself in the bathroom.  I'm sure that I will be even more grateful when we get pregnant again and succeed in keeping it alive...it doesn't make it any less difficult, though.  I'm not a religio8us person, nor do I believe in angels--but I desperately want to believe that my father is watching over my little one's perfect little soul.  It's the only way I can cope with this loss, other than the support of my amazing husband.  I am so, so very lucky to have him in my life.  I have never loved another person the way I love Derek...he is everything to me and I can't picture my life without him.  From spending hours texting me when mom was in the hospital, to holding me tighter than ever when dad died, to holding my pieces together when we lost our baby...he is the most incredible source of love and support I've ever known.

Brian George Davies 4/27/1952--4/17/2012

Anyone who actually reads this already knows what the past few months have been like.  I've been hellaciously busy with school, work, wedding plans, grief, trying to take care of myself, and trying to have a social life all at once.  I finally have a chance to sit in front of my computer and write, edit, and re-edit before posting.  I'm weird like that.

First, and most importantly, my life has been changed forever.  On April 4th, my father went to the hospital 2 days after having symptoms of a heart attack.  He had been getting dressed and was suddenly short of breath and having chest pains.  He went outside to get help from a neighbor, and collapsed.  I don't know how long he was there, but eventually his neighbor came and offered to call an ambulance.  My stubborn father refused, and went about his day.  I spoke to him later that day, and was obviously very concerned.  I begged him to go to the hospital, citing my upcoming wedding and my inability to see my wedding without him.

He went to the hospital 2 days later, and tests indicated that he did have a heart attack.  Considering he had been struggling with congestive heart failure and circulatory issues for at least 10 years, and already had at least one heart attack, this was not a surprise.  When he was in Cincinnati in Oct-Nov, I was shocked by how much water weight he put on and his unwillingness to take is medication or eat anything remotely healthy.  Apparently, by the time he got to the hospital, he had 50-70 lbs of water weight.  He gurgled when he spoke, due to the water in and around his lungs.  He coughed and couldn't catch his breath.  It was absolutely terrifying to listen to him.  After much consideration and thought by his medical team, it was decided that he would have an angiogram to see what kind of blockages they were dealing with.

The angiogram was done on April 6th, and it was decided that he needed a stent in one of his arteries.  Surgery went well, though doctors said that he needed to give up smoking and start living healthier because there were no more surgeries they could do.

I spoke to my father that night.  I begged him to stop smoking.  He said the following, "You're why I'm here. I'm here because you wanted me to go to the hospital."  We finished our conversation, said our, "I love you"s, and got off the phone.

At some point during the night, he started asking, then demanding to be let outside for a cigarette.  Mind you, this is a man who just had cardiac surgery less than 12 hours before.  He was repeatedly told NO, and he got himself so worked up that he went into cardiac arrest.  His heart stopped multiple times over the course of 3 hours.  They put him on a ventilator immediately, but if the heart is not pumping there is nowhere for the oxygen to go.  Eventually, he stabilized though he stayed on the vent.

The next few days were spent waiting, hoping that he could/would breathe on his own.  He could never quite get enough breath volume to do it though.  We waited, and waited, and waited some more.  Meanwhile, doctors were trying to figure out if his brain had been damaged from lack of oxygen during his cardiac arrests.  He would open his eyes, squeeze hands, and move his fingers and toes.  He was easily agitated, though, so they kept him asleep as much as possible.

As the days dragged on, I started losing hope.  I was in the middle of the cardiac chapter in Bio 3 when this happened, and realized that the damage to his heart was not reversible.  I work with a patient who has brain damage from a lack of oxygen from cardiac arrest, and shuddered to think of my dad's life being that way.

But I didn't care.  I didn't care if he was in a wheelchair or couldn't remember anything...if he had a trach...I just wanted my dad at my wedding to walk me down the aisle.

Eventually, most people who are on a ventilator for an extended time develop pneumonia.  This happened to my dad, and it was expected that he would heal in a few days.  My concern, however, became pure panic on April 17th.  10 days on the ventilator, and the pneumonia was so bad that he lost all blood pressure.  There was a conference call between Gloria, Mike, Uncle Warren, and several doctors that day, discussing what would become of dad once the infection cleared up.  It was decided that he would get a tracheotomy and be moved to long term care (ie: nursing home) to recover and see where to go from there.  Nobody could tell how much damage was done to his brain because they couldn't do an MRI.  They would have had to take him out of sedation, and my father was extremely claustrophobic.  To have him awake in an MRI would have meant his death, because he was so fragile and so afraid of enclosed spaces.

My stress hit an all-time peak, and I spent quite a lot of time that day crying on the phone to whoever would listen.  I feared that I was going to lose my father, and everyone I spoke to tried to calm and reassure me.

After I got home from work that day, I got a call from my brother Mike.  He said that a palliative nurse tried to get a hold of Gloria, that there was some sort of emergency but they couldn't tell him what was going on.  After an hour of trying to contact Gloria, I called the hospital and demanded information.  He had another cardiac arrest, but was stable for the moment.  I got word that Gloria was on her way to the hospital, so I decided to try to relax.  By that time, Derek was home to do damage control and hold my pieces together.

Shortly after 9pm, I got another call from Mike.  I'll never forget this conversation as long as I live.  "It happened again, his heart stopped...they tried to get him back, but Dad passed a little before 9."  I remember hearing "Dad passed" and going completely numb from head to toe, while taking a heavy breath in.  For that one moment in time, I was completely speechless and devastated.  I asked Mike to call John, and said that I would call Mom and Brianna.  After we got off the phone, I remember turning immediately to Derek and falling into him, without a word, and I began to sob.  It was an uncontrollable, purely primal sob and scream that I don't ever want to hear come out of my mouth again.  I remember sobbing into his chest, sobbing "no" over and over again, and he held me tighter than I've ever been held.  Eventually I decided to calm myself down enough to call people.  I called my mom first, then Jamie, then Sarah...before finally calming myself enough to call Brianna.  When I told her, all I heard was a tortured scream and then the phone disconnected.  I tried over and over to get her back on the phone but my sweet sister was trying to get herself together enough to get a ride home from work.

I don't think I've ever cried so much.  Over the next month, it took everything I had not to break down while doing normal things.  I took 2 weeks off from wedding planning, as I just couldn't bear to think of my wedding without my dad.  I asked John and Mike to walk me down the aisle, they said yes, and I cried some more.  Going to work, going to school, and trying to have fun with Derek and our families distracted me just enough.  I'm still very emotionally unstable, and I cry at the drop of a hat over the silliest things.

My life has changed forever.  He may not have been the perfect father, but he was mine.  He died 10 days before his 60th birthday, and the anger and bitterness I feel is echoed through our family.

Derek has been amazing through all of this.  When dad was in the hospital, he listened to all of my worries and comforted me.  The night he died, he held me so perfectly.  And in the following months, he has endured my mood swings and random crying fits like a champ.  I am so lucky to have such an amazing man in my life, and I can't wait to call him my husband.  We have pledged to each other that we will not put each other or our children through this--my father flat-out refused to take care of himself and it led to a very untimely death.

I cry every time I think about the wedding.  Every little girl dreams of their wedding day...being walked down the aisle and given away by their father.  For me, it's not going to happen.  I will ride in a horse-drawn carriage to be greeted by my brothers, and they will lead me to my future husband.  There will be no father-daughter dance.  My dad won't get drunk on scotch & water, nor will he pick fights with anyone.  He won't hear the announcement of my pregnancy, nor will he hold my child.  I find these things very unfair.  I deserved to have him around for many more years, and now I'm worried that my mom will die before her time, too.

I have to take better care of myself.  I've already started by getting an e-cigarette in March...I've smoked probably a pack of cigarettes since then.  It's a small victory, and not a perfect one, but it's a start.  We've started eating less red meat and more chicken, pork, and fish...that's another start.  Anything I can do to keep myself away from death's door is a welcome suggestion.  I'm scared for my mom, my brothers, Derek's mom, Derek, and myself.  We have to be good to ourselves, and if there is one lesson I've learned from all of this, that's it.

There is so much more for me to write about...but it's going to have to wait for another day.  I have almost 3 weeks off of school, so I should have time to write again.  It feels good to get all of that out into the blogosphere finally.

Big update blog.

I'm gonna go back to my journaling roots here, and bust out a long blog.  I've got a million things to talk about.  I will try to keep it entertaining.  I'm really not sure who still reads this blog, but I think I'm going to start treating it more as a diary.  It's private and can't be google searched, so I'm not worried about "stranger danger".  Anyone who would read this would be on my facebook anyway, so you already know most of the stuff that's going on in my life.  I have gotten progressively busier lately, and it's been hard to find the time to sit down and blog.  There are days when I don't even sit down at my computer at all, and you should all know that means I'm BUSY, lol!

So, let's start from the beginning.  The last time I blogged was in October, and John and I were in the middle of a huge spat.  We have since mended fences, and he's helping with wedding plans.  I was so upset and needed to blog about that so badly that I completely haven't mentioned that BFF Sarah gave birth to the most awesome baby ever on September 2, 2011.  I got a very early phone call from Sarah, and was shortly off to the hospital with her and Erik.  We got to the hospital around 7am, and Lucy Lane was born at 4:11pm.  It was a completely natural birth...the first I have witnessed firsthand.  Sarah was a champ, and Lucy has been a joy of a baby since the moment she was born.  

Here she is, probably around 1 minute old.

And here, sometime in January.

Seeing Lucy makes my uterus ache, and I'm thinking more and more about how wonderful it's going to be to finally be a mother.  I only had 3 main goals in life...get a degree, have a husband, have a child/children.  I am well on my way to becoming a wife, and you can guarantee that there will be a baby coming soon.  We have decided to start trying the first month we're married.  Derek's enthusiasm about having children only makes me happier.  I feel like a lot of things in my life are falling into place, becoming a mother is just another piece of the puzzle.

Shortly after we moved, Mom moved into a condo.  It is awesome, and perfect for her.  It's completely accessible for all of her needs, there is plenty of room, it is bright, and all-around the best possible place she can be.  She deserves it more than anyone I know, because she has really been getting shit on for the past 10 years.  She has a renewed energy and a smile I haven't seen in years.  The house on Manderlay was completely not functional for her.  She was unable to use the upstairs rooms, her bathroom was totally unsuitable for her needs, the kitchen didn't allow for much movement and the general layout not conducive to what she needs.  Also, and I don't really believe in auras, but that house was a den of sadness.  Our family lived there for 28 years, and all of the bad juju was just hanging out in the walls.  This condo has been one of the best things that has EVER happened to her.  We had christmas at her house this year instead of at John's, and I could tell that she was proud to have her family in her new home.  

Dad came to visit at the end of October.  Brianna and I picked him up from the airport, and the surprise Brianna/Dad reunion left everyone in tears.  He stayed with Derek and me for 10 days, and it was mostly good.  His health is pretty bad, and the more I learn about Cardiology and diabetes the more scared I get for him.  He has put his body through so much over the years and I am finally able to see what smoking and shitty food can do to you.  He has heart failure, and is basically permanently swollen from edema.  His legs are quite purple, and he has a hard time breathing because fluid has been accumulating in his lungs.  He coughs and cannot catch his breath, which is one of the hardest things I've ever seen.  I took his pulse, and his heart was skipping beats and overcompensating with 2 fast beats, which terrified me at the time but terrifies me even more now that I'm learning about the circulatory system.  It's hard to see a parent's body break down, but it has been a good reminder about how I need to take care of myself.  My father has abused his body and continues to abuse it through his heart disease.  At this point, it's not correctable, and that makes me sad.  I'll be seeing him again, though I don't think it will be until my wedding.

So, with all of this talk about weddings, I should probably talk a little more about our engagement and the plans we have in place.  He proposed December 14th, because apparently he just couldn't wait until christmas.  He was going to do it on christmas to throw me off (because I thought there was no way he would do it...) but he ended up proposing the same day the ring came in.  It was a hilarious, tearful, and beautiful night, and I will never forget it.  I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him.  We've decided to get married September 29th of this year, in an outdoor ceremony performed by Sarah's husband Erik.  I have a dress, bridesmaids, a flower girl, and a whole lotta other plans for a beautiful wedding.  Right now, we're trying for 175 people or less.  You never realize how many friends and family you actually have until you put them all on a list and freaking COUNT them!  We also chose a honeymoon spot that is perfect for us and we're going to have an amazing time.  We rented a cabin outside of Pigeon Forge, TN that has all of the amenities and ALL of the seclusion, yet we'll still be close enough to tour the city.  I am so excited about this honeymoon, it's ridiculous.  More than the wedding or the honeymoon, I am excited about spending the rest of my life with my perfect match.  We belong together, and every experience I've had has led me to this point.  I found the man of my dreams, and I am going to marry the everliving shit out of him.

For funsies, here is a pic of Derek and Rascal napping together.  Derek was 

sick with pneumonia, but it was a sweet moment.

I am still working for Interim, and finally back in school after a term off.  I am busier than I have been in a long time (my AA committee days).  I work M-F, have class M/W nights, and an online class too.  I'm finally getting into the science and medicine aspects of the program, and I'm loving it.  My Biology professor sucks and I'm having to do double the work because his lectures are lacking, but I'm learning a whole lot and refreshing my memory on a lot of things.  Medical Terminology is the best class I've taken in my life...I feel like it's really getting me prepared for A&P (Anatomy & Physiology).  I'm learning SO much!  The next two terms are going to suck--I basically have to finish up my 2-part pre-requisites (Biology and Chemistry) before the school switches to 12-week semesters in the fall.  Nursing school feels like it's going to take forever, but I know that it will be worth it when I'm done.  Derek officially has his Associates, and I am so proud of him!!!  He is making a better future for us, and I'm working on making a better future too.

Work is mostly boring...I have the same 2 patients during the week so it can get dull.  One of my patients, however, made things pretty interesting a couple of weeks ago when I had to take them to the hospital for some not-so-awesome reasons.  (damn you, HIPAA!!)  Basically, working homecare is NOT the best job.  I've got my foot in the door, but I'm making shit money and I'm like a "maid with benefits".  Seriously.  I do some actual STNA work like baths, skin care, and the like...but I do more dishes per day than I care to count.  I realize that my job is very important, and that these people's lives and homes would fall to shit if they didn't have an aide.  I cherish the moments I get to be on the medical side of things, and try to keep a positive attitude when I'm feeling like a maid.  I am genuinely helping people, and they are genuinely thankful.  So I guess it's not too bad.  Still, I look forward to getting my 6-10 months of homecare in and moving on to something a little more my speed.  Hopefully I can get a job at a hospital once I have some experience under my belt.

Life really is going fantastically.  I couldn't be happier.  That's pretty much all I can say!  Until next time...

I'm engaged, ya'll!

There is definitely another post coming about this, but I just thought to update the world (or my 5 readers who already knew...) that Derek and I got engaged on December 14th!  It was amazing.  Here are some pics...

We are SO HAPPY and can't wait to start our life together as husband and wife!  The tentative date for our wedding is 9/29/12, so be prepared!!!!!

Mental Upchuck.

I have the insane urge to blog, because some epiphanies have recently come to light and I was thinking about them earlier. Maybe it will help if I put pen to paper, so to speak.

I recently had a huge argument with my brother, John. Basically, I was tired of taking care of Mom by myself, and I called him on the fact that he wasn't helping. 2 Fridays in a row, my oldest friend Jamie came over to help me clean out Mom's bedroom and the spare room upstairs. Jamie is married, has 2 young kids and both of her parents are on dialysis. She has a very busy life, yet took time out of her day off to come help me. She even came the next Friday, and cleaned out the garage while I was at the hospital with Sarah (a story for another blog!). Anyway, after the first 2 Fridays of cleaning, Jamie and I made the decision to tackle the garage the next week. I texted John and asked if he would be willing to help, and he reminded me that he was going to Chicago. I suddenly remembered that he was going on vacation, and that I was responsible for picking up his dog that Friday on top of cleaning out the garage...and I lost it. I reminded him how busy Jamie is and that she is helping me. Jus' sayin'. (The exact text was almost exactly the last 2 sentences.) Within minutes, my phone rang. For the next 4-5 minutes, John screamed at me. His tone never wavered from pure anger. He called me worthless, said that I was the reason Mom's health has gone downhill, accused me of spending Mom's money, cursed me up and down about the cleanliness of the house, called me a "carbon copy" of our father...it was absolutely horrible. However, I stayed calm from the moment I got on the phone with him until the moment he hung up on me. I tried talking rationally to him, and even asked him at one point why he was screaming at me when I'm the one who is frustrated at him. When we got off the phone, within 5 seconds I burst into tears. Giant, sobbing, hyperventilating tears. I called my brother Michael to tell him what happened and cool down a little bit. I remember hyperventilating into the phone, telling Mike I hated John, and basically running down what had just happened. I calmed down enough to get off the phone and tell John he could drop his dog off the next Friday...I wasn't going up there to help him. He then laid into me with a series of texts, again telling me how useless and worthless I am, how I play the martyr and do the bare minimum, and compared me to a kid with Down's Syndrome because I'm proud of the fact that I'm in school. I responded by telling him to remember our father's verbal abuse before calling me a carbon copy of him, told him to fuck off, and said, "You have been physically and verbally abusive to me since I can remember" and told him that I wouldn't have anything to do with him anymore.

That was a little over a month ago.

Now that I have had time to think about what happened, a lot of things have come to light. I have a history of abusive men in my past, mostly verbal abuse. We're not talking about calling me fat or ugly (which, to me, was the norm in my elementary years), but full-on verbal abuse. I remember John calling me worthless and useless when I was a kid. He also hit me more than a few times, and scared the shit out of me. 6'5" is really tall to a little girl, and he intimidated the shit out of me with his size. One time in particular, I remember standing in my room (8-9 years old) and him standing in the doorway. I don't remember what caused the argument, but I was crying and he was red-faced and inches from my face. It was at that moment that I noticed how electric blue his eyes were, and I've never forgotten it. I remember him screaming at me, then hitting me on the head. John and I never got along for some reason, and it almost seems like he resents me.

John and Dad have their own, separate, non-relationship. I don't remember them ever being close or being on speaking terms, other than around the time of John's wedding in 2001. A specific memory I have of John and Dad comes from when I was VERY little, probably no older than 5. We had recently moved into the house on Manderlay, and I remember walking into Mom and Dad's room and seeing John sitting on their toilet fully clothed with blood running down his shirt and Dad yelling at him. John had some terrible nosebleeds as a kid and teenager, so I always thought that he had a nosebleed and that Dad was yelling at him for bleeding on the carpet or something asinine like that. Earlier this year, I kinda put 2+2 together and asked Michael and he said that Dad socked John in the face that day and that's why he was bleeding. I was very surprised, though not surprised at all. I also remember someone's back going through the downstairs hallway wall...whether it was John or Mike I don't know, and whether it was play or someone getting pushed out of anger also escapes me. Since I've blocked it out, I'm going to assume it was someone getting pushed out of anger. Anyway...John did not speak to Dad for a very long time, and hasn't spoken to Dad since after his wedding. The fact is, our father was physically abusive toward John and probably verbally abusive as well (judging by the screaming). Our father has also been verbally abusive and physically intimidating toward me. He has backed me into corners while screaming at me, frightening me in my adult years.

I have put up with verbal abuse my whole life. At one point, I even considered it normal. I wondered why the other chubby girls in my class had friends...I was used to having no friends at school and being called fat every single day. I remember kids in elementary and middle school telling me I should kill myself. (Wow, this is really getting deep...) Besides being called fat, ugly and useless, I knew the only thing I had going for myself was my brain. I was smarter than all of the kids in my class, and in a way I used school to escape from my problems. Sad when the place that is your refuge is the place you get picked on the most...even my best friend at the time would have nothing to do with me when we were at school. I often thought of running away and also had thoughts of "if I died they'd be sorry...". I was a very, very sad and lonely little girl. My Mom was always there for me, showing me fun wherever it was available and going out of her way to build me up. But she had her own issues with self-esteem and weight, and she couldn't help me as much as I needed it.

As I got older, I used sex to gain attention from guys because I didn't realize how worthy of love I am. I could tell a million stories of men who intimidated me into bed, men who used me, men who verbally assaulted me and 2 in particular who sexually assaulted me. I have run the gamut of dating and sex, and it wasn't until I met Derek that I realized how awful I was allowing myself to be treated.

AA was a whole 'nother story. How much ego-crushing can this damaged little girl take??? I wish I would have known at the time that I needed an ego BOOST, not an ego SMASHING. James, in particular, was a "carbon copy" (to use John's words...) of John and I even told him that. He had the same way of tearing a person down slowly. As I made my exit from AA, James was one of the prime factors in my final "rock bottom" emotionally. He sent me emails, again calling me useless and telling me that nobody loved me in California and that I should just move home to KY. After being friends with him for 7 years, James knew every button to push and did it with gusto. Another man I loved (deeply, as a friend), another verbally abusive ending to an ego-smashing friendship. He never tried to build me up...not really anyway. His prime focus was making himself feel better by tearing me down. He fucked me over multiple times (him skipping out on the apartment we shared and the rent being the prime example) and I kept going back to him pseudo-friendship. Sick, sick, sick.

Since I've been home in KY, obviously life has gotten a lot better. These have been the best couple of years of my life. I know acceptance, and I know love. My self-esteem has risen DRAMATICALLY, and I finally know what kind of person I really am and how worthy I am of the love that is shown to me. Sometimes I get anxious about people caring so much or doing good things for me, because that little girl is still somewhere inside me telling me I don't deserve it. But I do. I have turned into a pretty amazing woman, if I do say so myself. Sometimes I fight myself, but most of the time I remember my worth. I have real friends today...friends that will be seen with me in public and value my friendship. They like me for who I am...not what I can give them or my blood alcohol content. My family has been amazing, with the exception of John. He has his moments, but they are few and far between and they aren't enough to make up for the wrongs he has done me.

Mom went to look at a condo last week, and had all of the family (except Derek, who was at the doctor with pneumonia) look at it. John didn't say a word to me the whole time...didn't even look me in the eye. He also didn't say a word to Maggie or Evelyn, and Evelyn apparently was quite upset on the way home wondering why John was mad at her. He doesn't realize that he is burning his bridges just like our father. I'm trying to look forward to our first family dinner in Mom's new place, but I can't help but think of the tension and underlying irritability that's going to be there.

At least I know what the problem is, and I'm looking for solutions so that I don't do the same thing to my kids...

Busy Life

Hey folks!

Those who remember my MySpace will remember when I used to blog nearly every day. Sometimes twice a day. I have been so damn busy, however, that it's just not possible anymore! Life is moving full-speed ahead and I am keeping up quite nicely.

The biggest news I have to share is that Derek and I are moving! He has been living here with Mom and me since New Years Day. It's been wonderful, but it's time for us to get out on our own. His mom found a house on craigslist that ended up being a perfect fit for us, and we've just signed the first year's lease! Our landlord is going to Columbus for graduate school, and will be gone for at least 3 years. When he graduates and moves on to Oregon, we will have the option to buy the house. :-) We move in on September 19th, and I have been a busy bee trying to prepare for our next step. Most of the furniture has been purchased, and we're now trying to pull together all of the little stuff. It's a shame that I had to sell/give away all of my stuff when I moved from CA, or we would be much better prepared. Derek's divorce is moving right along...all of the paperwork is filled out and he has the money to file...unfortunately we found out yesterday that one of the forms has been updated and he has to have his whore of an ex fill it out before he can file. It was a frustrating moment, but I have every reason to believe that it will work out fine and he will be a legally free man very soon. Stupid court system.

School is going fine. Grades for last semester were just posted today. I have a snafu to work out with my English teacher, but I should end up with B's in both of my classes. My English teacher was out for the last 2 weeks of the semester having a heart valve replaced, and somehow didn't receive my research paper. The damn paper was a pain in the ass--I didn't read the syllabus correctly and thought it was supposed to be 6000 words. I got to 3500 and thought, "Gee, I really can't seem to make this any longer! WTF is wrong?!" Turns out that the paper was only supposed to be 1600 words and I WAY overdid it. I spent a day editing it down, and still only got it down to 3000 words. Oh well...hopefully it will make up for the one paper that I didn't do at all. :-p Next semester I'll be taking Intro to the Health Care System, Psychology, and Science Math. I needed another psychology class like I need a hole in the head, but fortunately Derek and I are taking the class together so that will keep me motivated. The book is ridiculously put together...makes no sense whatsoever...and I'm hoping that I can remember most of what I've learned in my previous 3 GenEd psych classes.

I passed the skills portion of my STNA test the second time around! I am now registered and able to work. I have been putting in tons of applications, and haven't heard a thing back, but I'm hopeful that something will come along soon.

Sarah and Erik are eagerly awaiting little Lucy's arrival. Her due date is the 3rd, and she's ready to pop at any minute. I can't WAIT!!! She's going to be an amazing little girl. I'll be sure to update when it finally happens.

I suppose that's all for now...

Summer.

I had some time to sit in front of the computer and blog...rather, I am procrastinating on writing an English paper. But I thought I'd type out a little update since it's been far too long since I've blogged. Everything is still going wonderfully. It's been a whirlwind couple of months, so I'll try to condense it. :-)

School is going great. I took my state STNA test and passed the written portion with a 91%, however I failed the skills portion and will need to retake it. One little mistake on one skill was enough to fail me, and I promise you I wasn't happy when I received my results. Either way, I'm going to take the skills portion again and pass with flying colors, then land myself a job so I can finally get my foot in the door! This semester of school has been really interesting. I started off the semester enrolled in 3 classes...Sociology, which I understood to be a hybrid web/lecture class, English 1002, and Science Math (to get me ready for Chemistry). The first day of classes, I found out the Sociology class IS a hybrid web/lecture class, but it was also a 4 week long accelerated class. That kinda blew my mind, because although I do remember a lot from my 2 previous Sociology classes I realized I'd need to shove all the info down in a brief 4 weeks. The math class ended up being more than I bargined for, so I dropped it and will retake it next term. It was definitely a wise decision on my part, because the past 4 weeks of Sociology have taken a lot of work!!! English is going okay...I haven't gotten the grade for my first paper yet and my second paper is due tomorrow. It's moving pretty fast, but I'm keeping up when I can get past the "fuck-it's". Don't get me wrong, I am still totally in love with school. I'm just ready to move on to biology and anatomy, and I'm sick of gen-ed classes already. :-) Next term I'll take Psychology online (which I can probably do standing on my head--I've taken so much psychology it's pretty much engraved in my brain at this point) and Science Math. It's been fun planning my courses and figuring out the quickest way to get a nursing degree. I realize it's going to take a VERY long time, but it's going to be SO worth it in the end.

Ohey, I forgot...I turned 30. :-) My birthday was awesome. Derek and I went camping in Franklin County, Indiana the week before my birthday, and that was my big present. It was so great...we got a bunch of camping gear, loaded it in the van, and got a SUPER remote spot in this park. We went canoeing the second day, and it was awesome!! I had never been canoeing before, and it had been years for Derek. We flipped the canoe 5 times during the 8 mile stretch of river we went down, and I was scared to death the first 3. LOL! It ended up being an amazing time, and I'm so glad we got the chance to get away. It was the perfect birthday present from my most amazing boyfriend. The week AFTER my birthday, Sarah took me to see 311 and Sublime with Rome! Our birthdays are exactly 2 weeks apart, and we decided to do something on the week between. Despite the scorching hot weather, it was an awesome show and the memories are priceless. All in all, turning 30 has been pretty damn good. I don't really feel any different, but I do feel like I'll never get to plead youth for any of my mistakes again. Not that I've been making many mistakes recently but...ya know what I'm sayin'.

There is definitely more to write about, but I'm going to get off the computer and get ready for bed. Busy day tomorrow with school, and I guess I'll be writing that paper before class! :-p

Update!

It's been nearly three months since I've updated...I'm being a terrible blogger. *shame*

First things first...I am officially back in school! I'm taking English, a mandatory "surviving college" class, the CNA course, and a one-day CPR class (which is this coming Saturday). I am having a blast with school. It feels good to sit in a classroom again. I am learning so much, especially in my CNA class. The class is 4 hours twice a week, so they cram a lot of stuff into my brain at once. My grades are fantastic...I haven't had anything graded for my English class yet but I'm ROCKING the CNA class. I have a mid-term on Thursday and I'm hoping to ace it too. I'm officially in the nursing program, which is a huge thing for me. My major has changed, and I like it! I have a TON of prerequisites to do before I can take my first nursing class, and currently there is a 2 year wait-list for the nursing classes. I may switch schools if this doesn't remedy itself...but we'll see what happens down the road. I've got 1 math, 1 more English, 2 biology, 2 chemistry, 1 microbiology and 2 anatomy classes to take before I can even get on the wait-list, so I feel a bit defeated. I am also debating on whether or not to get my transcript from EKU and get my psychology and sociology transferred. The nursing program requires 2 psychology classes, but if I transfer my credits from EKU I may run into a problem with my financial aid. We'll see what happens with that...I'll be researching. Anyway, school is going FANTASTIC and I'm loving every second.

Sarah is now 6 months pregnant, and is having a little girl! She has been miserable and sick the whole time (poor thing) but we are all eagerly awaiting little Lucy's arrival. Sarah's episode of Who Wants to be a Millionaire is slotted to air March 25, yay! I can't wait to see her on national TV, showing the world that being a geek pays off! Also, their 1 year anniversary is coming up! SO much has happened in the past year, it's hard to believe. I'm so happy for Erik especially...3 marriages and this is his first anniversary. He deserves it more than anyone I know.

Mom had a trial spinal stimulator. It did not go well. The procedure itself was excruciatingly painful for her, and the stimulator didn't end up reaching the places her pain affects most. It was a total bust, and we were heartbroken. Next on the list of things to try is a pain pump. On the bright side, her final mediation for her lawsuits is on June 2nd. I hope she gets everything she deserves and more. Her pain and suffering is immeasurable, and her lost wages and medical costs are worth a couple million, easily. I hope she bankrupts the whole practice. She deserves it. This was supposed to be the prime of her life, and she is completely disabled and unable to do anything she dreamed of (especially traveling). I hope this lawsuit ends up making all of us very comfortable, and providing for mom for the rest of her life. 5 years after her original injury, and nearly 5 years after the pressure ulcer that almost killed her, she will finally get justice from the medical community that failed one of their own.

Derek and I are still very happy and very much in love. <3 Day to day life with him is so much fun, and I love how we function as a couple. Everything is very easy, just as people told me it would be. We're looking forward to moving into our own place...we've got a good deal on rent here but the commute to Blue Ash is killing Derek. Besides that, we want a place of our OWN where we are completely alone. He is working hard toward a dissolution with his ex...she has not really been cooperating with the whole thing but they're supposed to get together this weekend. *crosses fingers* Given my history, I will be really happy to have a boyfriend is legally divorced. I went through the wringer with Justin, and with Rob. Derek and I are going to be together for the rest of our lives (you can count on it!) and I really think that someday we are going to look back on this time in our lives and laugh our asses off. Dawn WHO? :-p

That's all for now. I really am going to try to blog more often. But I say that every time...

Things are awesome.

I made one HUGE error in my last blog entry...I forgot to mention that BFF Sarah and Erik are expecting a BABY!!! She is 12 weeks now and I am beyond excited for them. They are going to make great parents. I have already been looking at baby clothes and can't wait to get a hold of some more yarn to knit Baby Coons some fabulous stuff. I am so happy I get to go through this with Sarah and be a part of the process. I got to see the baby at Sarah's first ultrasound, and I was a MESS, LOL! As soon as I saw the heartbeat, my eyes filled up with tears and overflowed with pure joy for my best friend and her husband. It was an amazing moment. After everything we've been through together, this is just another milestone in our lives and our friendship. Expect Baby Coons to arrive on or around September 3, 20111!

I need to get my high school transcript and take a placement test for Cincinnati State, and then I am officially accepted! I absolutely cannot wait to get back in school. First of all, I need to get my mind moving again. The thought of sitting in a class taking notes and soaking up knowledge gets me so excited I can't see straight. Then there is the fact that I will be fully employable at the end of June. This brings a sigh of relief and melts the stress away! After I am certified, I will basically have my pick of jobs. There are several hospitals in the area, a gazillion nursing homes and several home-heath care agencies. Everyone is hiring. Healthcare is the place to be in this crazy economy, I tell ya. Anyway, after I become a CNA, I will probably end up going to nursing school. I will most likely end up working in a nursing home or for a home-health company. That is where I'll start, and see if I'm tough enough for the job. It's hard to deal with people who are dying...it's not a job for just anyone. I have a little bit of experience in that area and need to know whether it's something I can pursue. I already know I can't deal with kids--too emotionally taxing. In my mind, my mother is one of the true angels of the healthcare field. I mean...kids with cancer??? Whew...it takes a really special person. Now that I'm an adult and going into healthcare, I am beginning to understand how difficult that job must have been for her sometimes. Blows my mind.

Speaking of mom, she is doing okay. She was denied coverage for her trial spinal implant, and this obviously upsets her a lot. Her pain doctor is already working on an appeal. Basically, they said that they hadn't tried EVERYTHING yet. Bastards. They've had her on Vicodin, Lyrica, Percocet, she's tried morphine...NOW WHAT??? I don't understand what is so complicated about *permanent* *chronic* *pain*. It is a spinal cord injury! Good LORD! The least they can do is give her a damn trial to see if it works. I'll keep the class updated on this situation... she is at her wits end with the pain and this implant could be the one thing that takes it all away.

I am a little more in love every day. I can't say enough about Derek and how great he is to me every single day. It gets better and better, and I can't wait for the future. We have so many plans and goals and things to work towards, and I can honestly see spending the rest of my life with him. He comforts me like nobody can (except Sarah and my mom). We are absolutely perfect for each other and all I can say is IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME!! Before we met, I was at a point where I thought there was no man for me. I tried everything I could. Every social circle, every demographic, every way of meeting new people that I could think of. I was exhausted, and when I first heard from Derek I debated on whether or not this was even worth it...no sense in putting time and effort into another guy who is going to run off in a month. I was "blah" about the whole thing right up until our first date. I liked him...don't get me wrong. But I was terrified of being rejected again and insisted on playing it cool. And of course...I have fallen in love with a man who loves me right back. We've been together for 4 months and have been living together for 2, but everything is right on track. To some it may seem that things are moving fast, but they're moving at OUR pace. We're deliriously happy, and neither of us is going anywhere for a LONG time I hope. Love is grand, fo sho.