Frustrated.

ZOMG, the 2nd batch of creampuffs came out AWESOME!

Finished product.

I just don't understand why one person would have to suffer so much. Not me...my Mom. I don't understand why, after everything she's been through and all of the good things she's done, she is in almost constant pain and is forced to suffer every day. This is a woman who worked for 26 years as a nurse for children with cancer. If that doesn't make you look up to her...nothing will. Since I've been back in KY, I've been to several Dr appts with her and I get more frustrated every time. Very long story cut very very short, she bent over on Mother's Day 2006 to put her shoes on and go to work (she was on-call) and blew out her back. She immediately lost bladder control and feeling below her waist. The hospital she went to for emergency care lost her MRI results for 3 days, making the nerve damage worse. She had surgery, and it was determined that she has Cauda Equina Syndrome caused by trauma. That's bad enough...RIGHT? You'd think so. She also suffered a stage IV pressure ulcer (bedsore) on her tailbone, where she ended up hours from death from septic shock. She was in the hospital from May-June 2006, then again from July-October. Today, we went to her primary care dr...the dr I've been seeing since I was a tiny kid. Here's the point of the whole damn thing...I'm tired and sad of hearing the words "chronic", "lifetime" and "permanent" in regards to my Mom's condition. I'm especially tired of hearing of all of the pain medication that she's going to be on for the rest of her life. My Mom is not a perfect person by a long stretch, but she has been mostly good in her lifetime and deserves more than this. She has lost her parents, lost 2 of her 3 sisters, she has been a single mother to 3 kids, worked her ass off to provide for us...and now that she's 56 years old and *almost* retirement age she's stuck in a bed in the living room of her house. There are so many things she wanted to do...going to Greece was at the top of the list. Now, getting her to Greece would be nearly impossible because she simply can't sit for more than an hour at a time. It's not fair. She should be still working (just a few more years!) and saving for her retirement and her travel. She was never much of a dancer, but she has said in the past few years that she's sad she'll never dance at my wedding (or Maggie's...or Evelyn's...). She had just as much life in her as Cioci Denise did before she got really sick the last time--she WANTS to do these things and is a prisoner of her body. She's depressed almost all the time...the only time I can tell she's really happy is when her grandkids are around. She cries at least once a week...it's heartbreaking and completely unfair. I cry when I think about what my Mom's life used to be like, and the things she should be doing now. I barely remember how she used to walk, which devastates me. Flat-footed with a walker is how she gets around now, or in a wheelchair. Anyway...I don't really talk much about how I feel about this situation and I think I need to blog more. It's hard for me to talk about it all because I have no answers and I can't fix it. I feel like when I talk about it, I'm bitching. Maybe it's my own failure to adapt...I don't know. Now, rather than keeping it inside or trying to talk to people that may not understand...I'm gonna bitch about it in my blog. After all, that's what it's for, right? :-p

Yesterday was fun...Sarah and I decided to make homemade creampuffs from scratch. The first batch came out kinda flat and we couldn't really fill them with anything, but the second batch came out BEAUTIFUL! We filled them with sugar-free vanilla pudding and some with raspberry preserves and then covered them in chocolate...MY OH MY. Yummy and relatively healthy. I'm having another getaway with Sarah and her folks this week...SO EXCITED! It'll just be a couple of days, but it's going to be so relaxing. I actually have some exciting things coming up...besides my little getaway, I'm going to a wool festival with some people from the knitting group on the 20th, the Rebel Brigade Alumni Night (which I still plan on attending) is the 25th, Sarah & Erik's official housewarming party is on the 26th, and Mom is talking about me driving her to NY again the first week of Oct. I'm hoping for the 2nd week, as there is this turkey shoot thing that several of my friends are going to on Oct. 5th. (I don't think it actually involves shooting turkeys.) Life is in full session. I'm proud and happy for Mike--He got a new job which will be less stressful on him and will allow us slightly more time to hang out. This new job is going to change a lot of things for the positive in his life, and I am so happy for him! Socially, everything is going really well. I feel like I have real friends and people who care about me. There are still a lot of people to get to know, but as of right now I feel I have a good handle on who is good to hang out with and who isn't.

Call me what you will, but I walked away with 2 fantastic books from the library today. Since I've never been a big fan of fiction (basically anything too far-fetched is a no-no for me), I picked up "Sybil", which I have never read but I have seen the movie. I'm embarrassed to say I've never read it, as a psychology major and someone who thinks Dissociative Identity Disorder is fascinating. I also picked up "How We Die: Reflections on Life's Final Chapter" which I am looking forward to reading right away. There is so much to learn...Now that I have actually been exposed to death as a part of life and have the knowledge that there are actually many steps involved in both our bodies and minds, I want to learn as much as I can. Since I've been helping with Julie, I've been thinking a lot about what direction I want to take with my career. Do I want to be a psychologist, or do I want to be a caregiver? What are the pros and cons of each option? Can I really handle a job that would require me to care for people with chronic and fatal conditions? How emotionally involved will I get? There are a lot of questions. Either way I decide to go, the book on death is going to help me.

That's it for now...sorry if this whole post has been a bit disjointed and kerbobbled. (Yes, I said kerbobbled.) It was more stream-of-conscience than anything. ;-)

I need to update more often!

It's only been a week since I last posted and I have plenty to talk about...this must mean that the "unemployment zombie" days are over and life is back in full swing! At least it is for a little while, and that's a good thing. I like staying busy.

My back is still pretty messed up from Julie's fall...I'm not sure what's wrong but when Mike massaged my back last night it was hurting right in my spine. Hmmmph. It's a combination of my spine and the left lower muscle and it hurts like a bitch. I've been taking ibuprofen and resting it a lot, so hopefully I'll be 100% soon.

Thursday was the Rebel Brigade preview show. I was really super excited because I hadn't seen the band perform since 2000. Things have changed a lot this year...the band is no longer competitive. I could go on forever about my memories with colorguard, but I have a few things that will always stick with me. 1-Traditions. All of them, and there were many. 2-Getting fitted for my uniform/costume every year. 3-Getting "prettied up" before every competition. 4-The bus rides with my friends. (This should have been #2...it was so important.) 5-Excruciating band camps, 3 rehearsals per week (3 hours apiece), a football game on Friday and a competition Saturday. It was a full life.

So now that I've told you what I loved about marching and the memories that come to me most fondly and most often...let me tell you what is going on now. *Deep Breath* The band marched onto the field in tracksuits and ballcaps. The colorguard wore the same tracksuits as the band. No pretty costumes for them. :-( They walked onto the field. No marching. No huddle. Maybe they did it before they marched on...I dunno. Their first show was a Michael Jackson tribute, which I was really excited about. I was definitely expecting "college band" out of the Rebel Brigade this year...and that's kinda what I got. I was devestated. The guard carried the same flags for the whole show. The least number of flags I ever remember having was 2, and a swing flag. So...they had one. :-( During the second show (same flags, BTW) which was a Blues Brothers show, a band member or 2 actually laid on the field and played for almost a whole song!! No exhaustion for them, LOL! I find this funny because we were never allowed to put our butts on the ground for any reason while we were rehearsing, and there they were in front of me playing their trumpets (or whatever) while lounging on the ground! LOL! Anyway, I was just really sad about the whole thing. I am sad that the kids won't know the thrill of hearing "Boone County High School Rebel Brigade, you may now take the field for competition!". Or of standing out in the freezing cold when awards time comes. I'm sad they won't know what it's like to put on such an awesome uniform with buckles and straps and doo-dads and put on their white pants instead of the grey because they're going to finals. I'm sad that the colorguard isn't PERFORMING. Colorguards dance and spin and toss...they're responsible for ACTING OUT what is going on with the music. This colorguard was doing drop spins and figure-8's and standing still half of the time. I CRIED! I understand that the money just isn't there for the school, and it hurts to see a program that shaped me so much end up like this. If I were a millionaire...

Things with Mike and I are great. The more I get to know him, the more I like him. We crack each other up, and I think we may never run out of things to talk about. We went out last night, and had a good dinner and some great conversation. We came back here and I got a massage (Oh thank you God for bringing me a boyfriend who will massage me when my back hurts. Thankyouthankyouthankyou.) and we talked a lot. I like him so much, it's unbelievable. And he has shown me in several ways that he likes me just as much as I like him. We're still taking things very slow, and I'm pretty happy with that. He is so different from the other guys I've dated in the past...first of all, he cares that I have a brain. That's so comforting. He thinks with the head on his shoulders and that is definitely different. Yet he's incredibly snuggly and likes to kiss. He literally makes me shiver when he touches me. He knows this and does it on purpose, I think. :-P He makes me feel safe and pretty...and tiny! All of that being said, I could go on and on. Let's just put it this way...I feel like a very lucky girl.

I saw Julie today...I went over there and Joy pulled out one of her old flags. I hadn't spun in about 7-8 years, so I immediately went to their backyard to spin a little. Joy asked me if I would spin for Julie, and I was like HELL YEAH I WILL!! LOL! I had to leave and go to the store, but I went back over there after dinner. Joy and Ted brought Julie outside and I spun for her. She loved it. I think she was just amused that I didn't hit myself over the head, haha! She ended up with a bruise on her knee after her fall with me on Monday...I was soooooo upset with myself, but Joy reassured me that these things have happened before and it's no biggie. She's still having problems eating and drinking, which is really worrying me.

There are a million other little things I could write about, but I'm worn out. I'll update again soon...life keeps happening.

Exhausted!

It's been the longest 48 hours, LOL!

I went to see Harry Potter on Saturday with Big Sexy Man (hereafter known as Mike) and had a fantastic time. We were both late to the movie, but settled in fine and really, really enjoyed the movie. Then we got some ice cream and had some conversation...I really like spending time with him. I am deeply in like with Mr. Mike. He apparently called me his girlfriend to his roommates...so I guess that makes it official. I haz a boyfriend. :-) We seem to be very compatible, and he gives me the craziest butterflies ever so I'm a very, very happy girl. A very happy, always giggling, smiling-till-my-cheeks-hurt girl.

Sunday was crazy...Sarah had her knitting party so it was really good to sit back and relax and have conversation with a bunch of crazy females. I made armholes for my never-ending cardigan, so I feel really good about the progress I've made there! I'd like to have it done in a couple of weeks, so I can actually enjoy it while it's still Fall. The party was fun...lots of talking, knitting, and super good food and wine and beer. Then it was time for my sleepover with Julie! Joy and Ted went on a mini-vacation for their anniversary, and they asked me (and several other people) to tend to Baxter and the garden. I let Baxter out every night (including the night I went on my date, I'm just that awesome) and went over there Sunday night to get Julie from Mike and get her in bed. Luckily Amber was there too...Julie was pretty worn out from so much activity while she was with Mike so it took some real effort to get her in/out of the bathroom and into bed. We were definitely both needed! Julie was pretty restless through the night...I kept an eye on her on the monitor and woke up several times through the night to check on her. She was ready to get out of bed by 9am, which I wasn't too happy about but I didn't want to leave her there and was sure I could get her out of bed myself. She did have a minor slip where her foot came out from underneath her and she went down on her butt, but I got her up (off pure adrenaline, mind you--my back hates me right now) and into the bathroom with almost no problems. Amber came while we were in the bathroom, and we got her clean and dressed for the day. Breakfast was a bit of a problem...Julie just didn't seem to want to eat. Or she wasn't able to. I'm not quite sure which. It's like her lips/teeth don't want to open. Amber and I bribed her with everything we could think of, but she just didn't want to do it. She only had one bite of scrambled eggs before Amber had to go. I kept at it and was able to get her to have about 1/4 cup of milk and juice, 4-5 spoonfuls of applesauce, a twizzler, and a few bites of jello before she left with Mike at 2. I was kinda in a panic...just in April, she was able to pick up a french fry, dip it in ketchup and eat it. Today, I fed her every bite she took and helped her drink too. I just worry. Now I understand why Joy has such a hard time updating the caringbridge...It's hard to say that she's moving slower and slower and eating less and less.

So that was my crazy 48 hours. I'm home now, nursing my back and hoping I didn't do any real damage. It appears I just pulled a muscle or 10. ;-) I'll update again soon.

Life is beautiful.

Hey folks...just another update while I have some time. I'm once again writing from my entertainment room, except this time I'm laying on a futon mattress which was loaned to me by Sarah and Erik! I just fold it up and sit on it, or lay it out and chill. It's super comfortable...Mom offered to buy me a frame for it so I can save some money rather than buying something new. All I have to do is cover the damn thing with a sheet or slipcover and it's perfect. Soooo...where to begin??

Big Sexy Man came over on Friday after I wrote last...he stayed until almost 5am and it was WONDERFUL! I introduced him to Mom, and we went upstairs and watched a movie and turned into a human ball of snuggle. I'm smitten, big time. I really, really enjoy his company and I look forward to every text and every time I see him. We took a couple of pictures of us together and we both changed our profile pics to them on facebook...I thought that was really cute and it made me feel really good. He came over again Monday, and was here until late again. I feel very comfortable around him...I feel safe. He seems to create this aura of safety and warmth that just draws me in. Nothing is set in stone, but I look forward to many more good times spent with him. I am constantly giggling and blushing, even when he's not around. He's "wooing" me. And I like it very, very much. :-D

I probably shouldn't even dignify this with words, but the Douchebag has been in contact lately. He has been emailing me at random, saying hurtful things about me. He wrote this big long speech about me, my flaws, and how he "really" felt about me. It's hard not to let that kind of thing get to me, but what I remember is that I'm not the one who has a completely screwed up life. He is. I'm stable, happy, and exactly where I belong. Anyway, he IM'd me on Yahoo today at random (he's now blocked from sending me messages altogether) and put the icing on the cake. That bastard tore me apart, said unspeakable things about my Mom and Dad, and tried to flaunt his new relationship in my face (like I actually give a shit--I feel sorry for the girl!). Let me tell you...I was livid. I'm not one for confrontation...I really dislike it. But when he had the NERVE to bring up my Mom's disability in the most heinous way possible...I WENT OFF. All of the pent-up things I've wanted to say came out. I *almost* felt bad, but he deserved it 100% and anyone who knows the situation would pat me on the back for saying the things I said. Now there is no possible way for him to contact me, and it's SO much better that way. Since I've taken control of my life and my future (especially the quality of the guys I date...), I don't want anything to do with someone who will purposefully hurt other people's feelings. Someone who will dig to the core of a person and hit them right where it hurts. How dare he say anything about my Mom??? Grrr. Anyway, that's what happened.

Joy and Ted have an anniversary this week! So they're going away to the cabin and I get to have a sleepover with Julie Sunday night. I'll have her from 8:30pm all through the night, until her husband comes to pick her up the next afternoon. I'm a little nervous, but Julie and I get along fantastically and we "communicate" pretty well. In other words, I'm good at guessing what she wants/needs, LOL! I'll have help getting her in and out of bed...I'm not worried so much about getting her out of bed as I am getting her in. It's a pretty long process, haha! But I'm sure it will be fine...I'm more than capable of keeping her happy, fed, clean, clothed and entertained. If I approach each task as it comes, it will be much easier and I won't be so worn out. :-p I'll be sure to write a full story later-Joy has copied several of my entries and used them on the caringbridge site so those who read it can stay informed.

My size 20 jeans are getting looser and looser, and the size 18 capri's Joy gave me of Julie's are fitting better and better. I have a size goal, but not a weight goal. I'm weighing myself once a week to see how I'm doing, but I'm not pushing myself and I'm definitely not denying myself anything. I think I've just been so busy and so distracted and so happy that I'm either eating less or exercising more. Maybe a little bit of both. Still, it's wonderful to watch the numbers fall. It's something tangible, rather than a pair of jeans that can shrink or stretch. Believe me, though, every time I pull on a pair of those size 18 capris I do a little victory dance in my head!!! I'm definitely eating healthier...way more fresh fruits and vegetables (yay for fresh tomatoes from my neighbors and the farmer's market!) and almost NO junk. I have become a slave to No Sugar Added Fudgecicles...they're only 40 calories and completely guilt-free. Best part is...Mom loves them too! I picked up about 4 pounds of fresh green beans from the farmer's market today and Mom was so happy, LOL! SPEAKING OF HEALTHY LIVING...The not-smoking thing is going really, REALLY well!!!! I've been using the lozenge as needed (getting to be less and less) and just not buying cigarettes. I'm super, SUPER proud of myself!!!!! I'm trying to stretch out the time between the lozenges...right now I'm at about 4-5 lozenges a day. There are days it's been 3. Soon, I will be completely nicotine free and I love it!!!!! It's probably the best thing I could possibly do for myself. It's HARD...believe me! But I feel a lot better, I smell better, my car smells better, I taste food better, and frankly I'm not as obsessed as I was. I realize now what a huge hold cigarettes had over my life. It's a tough habit to break, but I'm doing a great job and I'm gonna keep going.

So...That's it for now! I'll be sure to write when the weekend is over so I can keep the masses (all of my 2 readers) informed. ;-)

Happy days.

I'm writing this entry from a rocking chair in my entertainment room, YAY! I have my feet propped up and a laptop in my lap...so happy. There is still a lot to do in here, but it's at the minimum and that's good enough for now. The paint is on the walls (still have to do the doorframe and baseboards), the floor is swept (not mopped), the desk is set up, my crates of DVDs and books (missing a WHOLE CRATE OF BOOKS!!! WTF!!!) are in here, and the art will be ready to be hung later today or tomorrow. Tomorrow, I'm picking up a queen-sized futon mattress from Sarah and Erik to put in here until my broke ass gets a couch. I still need bookshelves, an entertainment center and a TV, too. It looks great in here, really!!! I kinda shocked myself. Of course, I'm picking apart every little flaw, but at least it's mostly done.

I'll have my first company in here this weekend...a big, sexy man!!! We're gonna hang out and watch a movie...it'll be nice. I enjoy talking to him so much, and to tell you the truth I have a major crush going on. The good thing about this is that he likes me too! Hopefully there will be many, many more good times to come. ;-)

I haven't gotten a chance to see Julie this week...hopefully things will slow down a bit next week and we can hang out. As far as I hear, everything is still basically the same.

Anyway, I just wanted to give a quick update since I am so excited to be able to blog in my entertainment room! YAYZ!!! :-)

A lot to cover!

First of all...everyone stand up. Now put your hands together and clap for me. I QUIT SMOKING!!!!!!! I started using the lozenge. It worked for me in the past...I just became weak. This time, someone told me just not to buy cigarettes. That seemed fair enough. I bought a carton, I bought Mom a carton, and decided that was the last one EVER. When I ran out of cigarettes, I popped in a lozenge...and now it's 3 days later and I've only had 2 cigarettes. For someone who used to be a pack-a-day smoker, that's GREAT! It's cool because even though I'm still getting cravings...I just don't buy cigarettes. I don't carry a lighter with me. And if I'm running around, I won't stop at a gas station or anything. It's going really well, I'm super proud of myself! I am finally ready to quit, after all this time. Also, it's the only way I can see my Mom quitting. Most of all...I've changed my life so much over the past year. Out with the bad, in with the good. Smoking is unhealthy, and I want to make sure I'm around for as many years as possible. So...YAY! I'll keep everyone informed on my progress.

I had a date Thursday night! And my oh my...what a date it was! Now, I realize that the Big Sexy Man I will refer to in this paragraph is probably reading this. One of the things you'll learn about me is that I love to blog about my life and the people in it...but give them as much anonymity as they desire. ;-)

Back to the date. So...I had been flirting with Big Sexy Man (BSM) for a couple of weeks, and had a really good feeling about all of it. Such a good feeling that I didn't want to blog anything about it until something actually happened. Well...we had a date. We saw a movie at Newport on the Levee, a midnight show and an opening night (which I didn't know at the time). I was hopelessly nervous, but luckily I looked hopelessly hot. Long story short...we had an amazing night. I had no idea what the movie was going to be about, but caught on pretty quickly and at least was able to concentrate on the plot (kinda). It's hard to concentrate on the plot of a sci-fi movie when you are enveloped in the greatest snuggle session ever. :-) Anyway, we watched the movie, then sat in our seats and talked, cuddled and kissed until the cleaning crew reached our row. He walked me to my car, where we talked, cuddled and kissed some more. I like him. He likes me. We'll be seeing each other again, and soon. Damn...that is one big sexy man. Wow.

I am almost done painting the entertainment room!!!!!!! I put the red on the wall today, and will be going back tomorrow and doing a 2nd coat and finishing the edges. Next, I found the PERFECT COUCH for in there! I found an awesome black sofa bed at Target. The cushions on the end bend up to be used as armrests, and it looks like a loveseat, or if you lay the cushions flat, it's a couch. And, it can be laid out as a bed. It's comfortable...and UNDER $200! As soon as I get the damn paint on the walls, I'm getting it. I'll start using the computer in there (my computer is still a paperweight...I'm using Mom's for now) and it can serve as a TV of sorts until I can finally get a TV/DVD player. It sucks that I had to sell my shit when I moved, but it did make my load lighter in the end. Plus, I sold my DVD player for more than I payed for it...so I can't complain. ;-) By this time next week, I want that room to be completely painted and at least minimally furnished. I found some cute candles at Target today that will be perfect for the room. I already have a footstool/storage space. There's already a desk. I found a gorgeous lamp today at Target that I didn't buy...this room is going to be beautiful! I'll be sure to take pics when it's done.

The only bad news this week...Julie had a neuro appointment and the Doctor recommended hospice. On one hand...I understand. On the other hand...I don't think it's necessary right now. The worst thing about this news is that the doctor apparently said this in front of Julie. The thing that makes me cry is that Julie cried. :-( She's still in her body and she knows what's happening to her. It breaks my heart. I vacillate between wanting to keep her here and wanting for it to be over for her. I know she's going to die...I understand that and I accept that it's going to happen. But her comfort level is the most important thing for me. I want her to be able to walk and move her hands and arms for as long as humanly possible. I want her to eat and drink and do it without choking. (I'm sorry, Joy and Ted...I know you're reading this...I read the caringbridge yesterday and was so upset that I absolutely had to write about it.) I don't want her to be a prisoner of her own body. I can tell that it depresses her when she can't physically move. She's obviously glad for help...but frustrated and sad that she needs it at all. I used to think she was blissfully unaware, but that's so not true. All I know is...I'm going to give her as many hugs as I possibly can and spend as much time with her as I can while she's here.

Sorry to end on such a sour note! It has been a great week and I'm super optimistic about the future. I'm a non-smoker, I had an epic date with an epic guy, my home improvement projects are finally getting done, and I have a ton of friends and family who care about me. I am so glad to be back in KY...I wouldn't have traded my experiences for the world, but I belonged here the whole time.

A good week.

On the back porch of the cabin in IN

Okay! So it's been a pretty interesting week. I took Mom to her appt with the pain specialist, and it didn't really go the way I thought it would. I figured he would suggest that she get the implant, or at least give her a really good exam. He watched her walk, tested her reflexes, and asked her about the pain. Here's the thing...she's in pain EVERY SINGLE DAY. It doesn't matter how bad...it varies. But there is a level of pain there all the time. When she has periods of time where she doesn't sleep and can barely get out of bed, there's a fucking problem. She does not need nor does she deserve to be in that much pain! I sat there with tears in my eyes and told the Doctor that she'll go days without sleeping and I can't even hold a conversation with her...and he fucking perscribed her Percocet. Thanks, but no thanks! So now, instead of ruining her liver and kidneys with Vicodin, she can do it with Percocet. Anyway, he gave her 15 for the month and then he'll see her again. I just think this implant could really help things and she could be happier over the long run.

I had a great couple of days at the cabin with Julie and her folks! I didn't think I was going to make it at all...it was storming HARD Tuesday afternoon when I was leaving and there were a ton of accidents. What should have been a 45 minute drive took me nearly 2 hours. The interstate I was supposed to be traveling on was closed, but it turned out it wasn't until after my exit. Whew! I was freaking out, calling IN Highway Patrol and the campground trying to figure out if I could get in or even if Joy, Ted and Julie needed to head home! It was that bad. However, I did end up getting up there and we had a fabulous time! Joy made it sound like the cabins were pretty rustic, but they ended up having refrigerators and TVs! They were really nice. At least nicer than what I'm used to when it comes to cabins in the woods! I commented that this was WAY better than Higher Ground band camp, and Julie smiled. I didn't get to do any fishing or swimming, but that was more than okay with me for this trip. I was fine just relaxing and helping with Julie. The first night, we had dinner and sat around the table (yeah, a decent sized kitchen table that accomodates 6 adults...in a cabin...) telling stories. We had Julie squealing with laughter. I'm pretty open with Joy and Ted and they are with me, so the conversations we were having probably would have made the average person blush, LOL! Julie was pretty restless that first night, but it was probably due to the fact that she was in a new place.

Wednesday was so much fun. Julie was a little slow-moving in the morning, from being restless the night before. But we got up and went to the store and went driving around the campground. I can't believe how nice some of these cabins are! I couldn't get over it. I'm used to a 1-room shack with no bathroom and 20+ girls in bunkbeds. Some of the cabins had satellite TV! WTF! Anyway, we ended up having a nice dinner and Julie's brother Joe made a fire outside so we could chill out. Julie ate 3 smores, LOL! It was great...she had chocolate all over her face and all over her hands and arms...and a shit-eating grin on her face. She had been having trouble eating all day so it was awesome to see her chowing down and laughing her ass off with us around the fire. We both slept like stones that night!

I told Joy and Ted that I would bring Julie to Mike on Thursday, so they could stay until Saturday. I was sad I had to leave, but I told Mom I'd be home on Thursday anyway so I didn't disrupt my schedule. I took lots of pictures while I was there, and I'm positive that Julie had a great time. I dropped Julie off with Mike, then headed back up to Mt. Washington to get my Brother John's dog Deano. John and Candice decided to take an impromptu visit to Cleveland, so we're watching Deano for the weekend.

So...that's pretty much it for now! When something exciting happens, I'll be sure to say something. ;-)

Life-n-stuff.

Things have been pretty average around here, almost painfully so! But, things are also really good. I've just been spending a lot of time with my Mom, with Sarah, and with my Nieces. Mom's birthday has come and gone...she had a nice day! I'm glad I get to be here with her for that kind of stuff.

I'm still in home improvement mode...I started painting my childhood bedroom, the one I am going to use as a living room of sorts. 3 walls are already painted a nice sand color, and the accent wall will be a gorgeous red. I'm a little nervous about the sand color being a bit to pinkish for the red, but I'm sure it'll work out. If it doesn't look right, all I have to do is go pick another color! I'd like to do a simple Asian theme in there...nothing too crazy. I've heard of people painting their walls chocolate brown and red, but the room is far too small to put such a dark color on the walls. Plus, I'm looking for a place to relax...not a place to be depressed! Mom and I have been talking about what kind of flowers she'd like me to plant next year, and I can't wait to get started. I want a small garden in the front yard, and 2 gardens to mirror each other in the back. Mom also wants a rose bush. I blame my Cancer astrology and Sarah's new house for this "nesting" thing I'm doing. I like it though...it's fun!

Mom has a doctor's appointment tomorrow to see about getting that implant that may help her pain!!!! I'm so excited for it. She is so miserable sometimes (like today) and I think the implant would do a world of good. I hope she's a candidate for it and that it will help her if she chooses to get it.

After Mom's doctor appointment, I have to get my oil changed and go to IN! Joy and Ted decided to take Julie to a cabin and go camping, and I was invited to hang out and help out as needed. I think it's gonna be a lot of fun! They headed up there today, and I'll join them tomorrow. I took Julie out for a mall outing last week, and we had a blast! We took her transport wheelchair to make things easier, but Julie was doing SO much better than the last time I saw her. She was all smiles, she was walking much better, and she seemed more alert. She also fed herself almost a whole piece of pizza (which I had cut up) and that was awesome!!! Last time we went out, I had to feed her every bite she took. She also drank a lot. We looked at scented candles, clothes, and we ended up at Bath and Body Works for shower gel. They had a nice sale going on, so we walked (well, I walked. Julie rolled!) out of there with plenty of body wash. I understand Julie's wants a little more every time we hang out. At the mall, I was pushing her in the chair when she started leaning forward and grabbing her leg. I stopped and asked if she was okay, then realized she was feeling the hair on her legs, LOL! I said, "You want your legs shaved, eh?" and she smiled. I told her I'd tell her Mom, and smiled some more. She didn't lean forward the rest of the day. I just try to think like she does-what would *I* want if I were in her situation?? I make an effort to do the little things like keep her hair out of her face because she can't brush it away and keep our little 1-sided conversations rolling. I probably drive her crazy with my stories, but most of the time she smiles and/or laughs so that's nice. This little mini-vacation is going to be a lot of fun...I'm so glad Julie gets to do stuff like this. And it's an absolute pleasure hanging out with her and her folks.

I admit it...I'm flirting with a man. A big, sexy man. It feels good to flirt again, and it seems like it's being reciprocated. Since I've gotten more used to being here, I see that there really is a whole slew o' men that are still single and are really nice guys. I've opened my eyes back up to the opposite sex, and it feels good. Socially, I'm doing really well. I'm still having a little trouble with being *slightly* shy around new people, but everyone I'm meeting has been so much more than nice. I do realize that nobody is going to roll out the red carpet for me, so I'm making a real effort to be social and get to know people. All in all, things are good for me socially right now. In fact, the only worry I have about these new folks is that I might not be geeky enough, LOL! I'm a nerd in my own right, but I'm just learning about a lot of the stuff these people are into. Trying to maintain my individuality while getting to know people with different interests is kind of a tightrope thing, but I'm doing well. ;-)

I'm sure I'll post again sometime after I get back from the cabin on Thursday. Until then...

Another few good days.

I've had another few good days since I blogged last...Saturday evening Maggie and Evelyn came over and we ended up going to the St. Paul festival. I've been to that festival more than a few times and have always had fun, but I don't remember ever having a kid with me! Taking them out completely by myself was kinda scary...I was afraid one of them was going to try to wander off or something. But they were perfect angels, and they spent all of my money, LOL! We ate snowcones (see above pic), rode the teacup ride twice (with Evelyn turning white when I'd spin the car too fast), rode a couple of other rides, listened and danced to the band, had funnel cake and it was AWESOME. I like making memories with them.

Mom has still been in a lot of pain. One good thing, though...we're finally getting the gutter board and gutter fixed on this house! The damn thing is loose and could fall (there's no way it would make it through winter and the snow). I had been bugging Mom about getting it fixed, and we were going to make some phone calls on Monday, but it just so happens that a local door-to-door guy stopped by on Sunday and offered to fix it. Mom had spoken to him a couple of years ago and knew he was legit, so she decided to let him do it. They're supposed to come tomorrow to tear down the gutter board and gutter, replace and REINFORCE them, and fix our storm door. YAY!!! One small home improvement project done. Now to convince her to get new siding! I also want to work outside so desperately, but can't figure out what to do. There's an area of the backyard that would make a perfect garden area but I need to dig it out (there are already stones surrounding it). I want to plant some flowers but I don't know what kind because DAMMIT, this is KY and I have no idea what will/won't survive the winter! :-( So, if anyone out there has ideas of what I can do as far as gardening goes at this point of summer, let me know!

I got Mom out of the house on Monday...we had to go get some things notarized at the bank for Cioci Denise's estate and in the meantime, we went through the grocery store. She hasn't been in a grocery store in AGES!!! We also went to the library. We took the wheelchair for both trips because she's been hurting so much, but it was good to get her out. Then I dropped by Sarah's to drop off her Mom's Sugar Glider (whom I had been babysitting) and hang out for a bit. I came home, watched an awesome documentary on Netflix (as has been custom for me lately) and went to bed. A very, very good day.

Today was a pretty good day, and I blame that on the fact that I kept myself super busy all day and distracted. I also woke up really early this morning, so it's been a full day. I went to the Post Office, CVS, and the gas station, all before noon. Then I went to Sarah's to check out the progress on their house. They painted the master bedroom yesterday and it looks great! They also got their bed last night so they'll be sleeping in the house from now on. Jack actually jumped and did a little jig he was so happy to see me (that's their dog, for those uninformed). Ahhh, that's unconditional love. Best dog ever. Anyway, then I went to Julie's for a much-needed "girl day"! We grabbed some lunch and finally saw "Angels & Demons". The movie was okay...I wouldn't put it on the same level with "The DaVinci Code" but it was good. It was actually a little gory, which I didn't expect. Since Julie and I were out alone for the first time, I was a little worried about how I would balance having things in my hands and having to help her walk. But, to my surprise, the girl at the concession stand actually offered to walk with us to the theatre. She walked with us, waited until I got Julie in a seat, handed me our stuff and she was so sweet and patient!!! Considering it took over 5 minutes to get Julie from the concession area into the theatre, this girl was so much more than patient and awesome. Julie's general mood today was poopy...she seemed really tired and kinda off-balance physically. Walking was SUPER slow, and eating and drinking was almost non-existent. I did remember that she'll eat Twizzlers really easily at the movies, while popcorn isn't so easy. So she did eat some Twizzlers, a few pieces of popcorn and drank a little bit of soda. Leaving the theatre was a disaster...she was moving in super-super slow motion and freezing every few steps. When I finally got her to the car, she was so off-balance that I couldn't get her close to the door. Usually she gets in and out with no problem, but she was exhausted (she kept closing her eyes) and her body just wasn't cooperating with her. We were having such a visibly hard time (Julie looking like a drunk leaning to one side and having a hard time moving her feet and me sweating and trying to coax her into different positions) that a guy asked if I needed any help. I declined, but was frustrated and afraid she was going to fall. I was just about to call Joy and Ted and see what to do or get some help, when her body finally decided to cooperate and she got in the car. I wanted to do a victory dance, LOL! Usually, it's very easy for me to get her in and out of the car. Easier for me than it is for her Dad, anyway. Very, very simple. Poor Julie had a bad day, hopefully she'll feel better tomorrow! One cool thing that happened with Julie today was when we were in the car on the way to lunch, that song "Gotta Be" by Desiree came on the radio, the one from the mid 90's. "Gotta be hard, ya gotta be tough, ya gotta be stronger..."--You know the song. Anyway, we used to do angle exercises to that song my Freshman year when Julie was a Senior. We looked at each other at exactly the same time, and she smiled! I said, "We used to do angle exercises to that song!" and she smiled even bigger. It was awesome! Every time I hear that song, I think of those angle exercises, LOL! Anyway, overall it was a great and productive day for me. I'll probably keep the ball rolling by helping Sarah move tomorrow, as long as my Mom is feeling okay. We also have the gutter guy coming tomorrow, and Mom's Nurse is coming first thing in the morning so I guess I better get some sleep!

Things are good. :-)

Life as usual.

Things are pretty good around here. The trip to Laurel Lake with Sarah and her folks really changed my perspective on everything. I am happy here in KY, 9 times out of 10. I get to see my Nieces all the time, and they adore me. I am so thankful I'm able to be a part of their lives and watch them grow up. They're so different and so amazing at the same time. Maggie has become such an incredible young lady. She's inquisitive and hungry for knowledge. She keeps herself busy and entertained, which is nice when you run out of ideas of things to do with her. :-) She asks the most awesome questions, and they come out at random about completely random things. Her laugh is hilarious...she has the strangest sense of humor and I totally adore it. Evelyn has become like my shadow. She follows me EVERYWHERE! She will call and talk to my Mom almost every day, and almost always asks to talk to me. When I get on the phone with her, I'll start walking around the house and I'll ask her what she's doing. She'll say, "Oh, just walking around the house...". She's so much like me it's scary. Except she likes to be outside more than I ever have. :-P I have had so much fun with both of them lately...painting and playing with sidewalk chalk in the backyard, catching fireflies, picking flowers...I remind myself that they're out of school and it's summertime...so even when I don't want to go outside I do it anyway. Who wants to remember summers as a child stuck inside??


My Mom and I are getting along great. She's still dealing with losing Cioci Denise, and it's been very hard on her. Add to that her pain...and she's not in a good spot right now. Most days, it's okay. But she's not functioning NEAR on the level she was before we went to Utica. Yesterday, she was in so much pain she stayed completely fucked up all day and night. She could barely get out of bed, and couldn't stand. Today, she managed to get herself breakfast but hasn't been able to get up since. I hate seeing her like this. Absolutely hate it. I try to maintain a positive attitude and keep her distracted in whatever ways I can, but it is heartbreaking to be in a conversation with her and all of a sudden she cries out in pain. I don't know what to do about it, I know there's nothing I really *can* do about it. There is, apparently, some kind of implant she can get that may help the nerve pain, and I'm trying to convince her to get it. She's scared that it won't work, or that she'll get meningitis (her words, not mine!). I've also convinced her that her pain pills are torturing her kidneys and liver, and that she should try Melatonin to help her sleep. She took 2 last night, and still couldn't sleep because of the pain. I just don't know what to do. Because she's been awake for almost 2 days straight, she's smoked 2 packs of cigarettes. She's got a cough, her Dr is on vacation, and she won't see another Dr in the practice. She has a sore on her leg (another one...there was one that *just* healed and now there's another) from a little round piece on her catheter which was rubbing her leg and she couldn't feel it. At least we know where the sores came from, and now we can avoid getting any more. I felt really smart when I figured out where the 2nd one came from. :-P


I've been dying to spend more time with Julie, and things just haven't been working in my favor. She's doing okay overall, but is apparently having some trouble drinking. It makes me sad. I love spending time with her, helping her, helping Joy and Ted, helping her Dad, doing whatever I can. Every time I see her, I come home and fill my Mom in on what she did and how she's doing. I have to say that it makes my Mom grateful. As with my Mom, it makes me crazy that someone with so much promise and such an awesome spirit already has their best years behind them. But...she makes me think about my life and what my goals are. Especially when it comes to family. Leaving Justin made so much more sense to me when I thought, "Would he be willing to care for me if I had this disease, or any other for that matter?" The answer is NO, and I think those are things to think about when you're choosing a mate. When Joy and Ted went out of town for the FTD conference, I really wanted to take Julie out to a movie and to eat, and unload things off my chest. Unfortunately, her husband kept her pretty busy the whole time and I wasn't able to see her. I previously told her a little bit about my frustrations with the opposite sex, and she laughed her ass off. She can't talk, but she understands every word I say and she understands where I'm coming from. I love making her laugh...it's like I've accomplished something. The more she smiles, the better off everyone is and the easier it is to deal with what's going on. I wish there was more education about this kind of disease. I had NEVER heard of it before, and neither had my Mom who was a Nurse for 26 years. But when someone who is your age (a little older) has dementia and is now mute and incontinent at 31 years of age...it makes you stand up and pay attention. I have to say, though...she is an absolute joy to be around and I adore her Parents (all three of them :-P).


BFF Sarah and Erik the Betrothed bought a house! And it's less than a mile from my house! I have had so much fun helping them set up. My Cancer homemaking urges have totally kicked in, and I've started thinking about how much I want to get done around this house. I've had a blast stripping wallpaper and painting, hanging out in the hammock in the backyard, watching Jack with a goofy-ass grin on his face as he chases squirrels and runs hither and yon, and helping them beautify their home. I'm so happy they've moved closer. Now, if only I can get Jamie to move to Florence, I'll be totally happy! :-D


Elise and Lenny are getting married TODAY!!! OMG! FINALLY! I am so happy for them. Elise has been one of the best people ever in my life, and I am elated that this is finally happening for her. I wish I could be there...hindsight is always 20/20 but I really wish I wouldn't have gone to CA in May so that I could have afforded to be there now. Maybe when Baby Hillinger is born, I can make a trip. For all of the things Elise has done for me, I feel terrible that I can't be there. She was one of the only people in CA who truly accepted me for who I am, stayed my friend through thick and thin, never rejected me, and went above and beyond for me. She's an example. For real.


I've been doing a lot of reflecting and just getting on with life. I have the need to flirt, which I imagine I'll be doing very soon. That's definitely a sign that I'm getting more "back to myself". For the first time in a long time, I feel completely single. And it's GOOD! I finally feel free to really flirt with people, to date, to have something healthy in my life and not be restricted. I haven't felt like a single woman in over a year, and right now I feel like I have a whole world of men to choose from. This time...I'll make better choices. It's kinda hard not to make a good choice when I have my Mom, Sarah, Jamie, etc all keeping tabs on what kind of guy I choose. They will not steer me wrong. Sometimes my "picker" has a glitch and I end up in a situation where I waste far too much time and energy on a man who is no good for me. All of the women in my life today have a vested interest in seeing my complete happiness with a guy who is worthy of me and who is willing to put in as much work into a relationship as I am. I KNEW I was redeemable!!!! I KNEW I could get out of my rut and realize what is good for me and what isn't. What is healthy and what isn't. Who to spend my time with and who to ignore. The thing is...if 2 or more important people in my life don't approve of who I'm with...they're probably right. Especially when it comes to Sarah and Jamie, because if they agree on ANYTHING it's a big surprise. :-P Lesson?--LISTEN TO THOSE WHO MATTER. THOSE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO ARE MOST AFFECTED BY YOUR ACTIONS, EXCEPT YOURSELF.


I've lost weight, almost 20 pounds to be exact! I'm down 2 dress sizes...I haven't been this size since college! I'm used to buying a 22/24, and I bought a pair of jeans that are a straight-up 20! And they FIT! COMFORTABLY!!!! I'm the Amazing Shrinking Jen. I don't know how it happened, but it did and I'm just gonna keep doing what I'm doing and hope that I slim down some more. I don't see myself ever being smaller than a 16 (given my bone structure and height) but I think I'd shit myself if I made it there. My biggest fear is losing my boobs. :-P It's been a combination of eating breakfast in the morning (less hungry through the day), restricting my munchie intake (40 calorie fudgesicles FTW), and most of the time I'm upstairs in my room by 10pm so late-night snacking is easy to resist. Plus, I'm not in CA (Land of Mexican Food) anymore, so my diet has been totally different. I rarely have fast food anymore, and I know that's made a huge difference. Also, I am always drinking sugar-free kool-aid, reduced sugar cranberry juice, or Sprite Zero...a far cry from the gallons of energy drinks I used to consume. Add in a little bit of exercise (running around with my Nieces, etc), and the weight is coming off.


My birthday was great! I got lots of phone calls and texts and facebook comments. I am definitely loved. Mom made salad, lasagna and garlic bread for dinner, and a cake for dessert. The whole family got together the Sunday afterwards for dinner. Mom was in a lot of pain and we had to leave early, but it was good to be with everyone again. I miss our regular Sunday dinners. Hopefully I can get this house in good shape soon and we can do it like we used to.


So, that's life. Everything is getting better, a little bit at a time. I have my good days and bad days, but overall I'm so happy. I finally got a KY drivers license and I'm working on getting my license plates and registration. Let's hope that works out. I changed my phone number to a KY number, and let me tell you...it has been the most freeing thing of all. Now, people who I don't want to have my phone number DON'T HAVE IT! I don't have to give it to them! They can't call me anymore! *I* get to choose who has the number. I like that a lot. I was nervous about changing my number because I've had the same number for over 3 years now...but it was pretty easy to text or call all of the affected parties and let them know. And those that I don't want to hear from...can kiss my ass. ;-) Things are falling into place, I'm almost totally adjusted to KY. It took a little over 3 months, but I'm finally in a place where I'm happy to be here and I'm looking forward to the future.