Exhausted!

It's been the longest 48 hours, LOL!

I went to see Harry Potter on Saturday with Big Sexy Man (hereafter known as Mike) and had a fantastic time. We were both late to the movie, but settled in fine and really, really enjoyed the movie. Then we got some ice cream and had some conversation...I really like spending time with him. I am deeply in like with Mr. Mike. He apparently called me his girlfriend to his roommates...so I guess that makes it official. I haz a boyfriend. :-) We seem to be very compatible, and he gives me the craziest butterflies ever so I'm a very, very happy girl. A very happy, always giggling, smiling-till-my-cheeks-hurt girl.

Sunday was crazy...Sarah had her knitting party so it was really good to sit back and relax and have conversation with a bunch of crazy females. I made armholes for my never-ending cardigan, so I feel really good about the progress I've made there! I'd like to have it done in a couple of weeks, so I can actually enjoy it while it's still Fall. The party was fun...lots of talking, knitting, and super good food and wine and beer. Then it was time for my sleepover with Julie! Joy and Ted went on a mini-vacation for their anniversary, and they asked me (and several other people) to tend to Baxter and the garden. I let Baxter out every night (including the night I went on my date, I'm just that awesome) and went over there Sunday night to get Julie from Mike and get her in bed. Luckily Amber was there too...Julie was pretty worn out from so much activity while she was with Mike so it took some real effort to get her in/out of the bathroom and into bed. We were definitely both needed! Julie was pretty restless through the night...I kept an eye on her on the monitor and woke up several times through the night to check on her. She was ready to get out of bed by 9am, which I wasn't too happy about but I didn't want to leave her there and was sure I could get her out of bed myself. She did have a minor slip where her foot came out from underneath her and she went down on her butt, but I got her up (off pure adrenaline, mind you--my back hates me right now) and into the bathroom with almost no problems. Amber came while we were in the bathroom, and we got her clean and dressed for the day. Breakfast was a bit of a problem...Julie just didn't seem to want to eat. Or she wasn't able to. I'm not quite sure which. It's like her lips/teeth don't want to open. Amber and I bribed her with everything we could think of, but she just didn't want to do it. She only had one bite of scrambled eggs before Amber had to go. I kept at it and was able to get her to have about 1/4 cup of milk and juice, 4-5 spoonfuls of applesauce, a twizzler, and a few bites of jello before she left with Mike at 2. I was kinda in a panic...just in April, she was able to pick up a french fry, dip it in ketchup and eat it. Today, I fed her every bite she took and helped her drink too. I just worry. Now I understand why Joy has such a hard time updating the caringbridge...It's hard to say that she's moving slower and slower and eating less and less.

So that was my crazy 48 hours. I'm home now, nursing my back and hoping I didn't do any real damage. It appears I just pulled a muscle or 10. ;-) I'll update again soon.

Life is beautiful.

Hey folks...just another update while I have some time. I'm once again writing from my entertainment room, except this time I'm laying on a futon mattress which was loaned to me by Sarah and Erik! I just fold it up and sit on it, or lay it out and chill. It's super comfortable...Mom offered to buy me a frame for it so I can save some money rather than buying something new. All I have to do is cover the damn thing with a sheet or slipcover and it's perfect. Soooo...where to begin??

Big Sexy Man came over on Friday after I wrote last...he stayed until almost 5am and it was WONDERFUL! I introduced him to Mom, and we went upstairs and watched a movie and turned into a human ball of snuggle. I'm smitten, big time. I really, really enjoy his company and I look forward to every text and every time I see him. We took a couple of pictures of us together and we both changed our profile pics to them on facebook...I thought that was really cute and it made me feel really good. He came over again Monday, and was here until late again. I feel very comfortable around him...I feel safe. He seems to create this aura of safety and warmth that just draws me in. Nothing is set in stone, but I look forward to many more good times spent with him. I am constantly giggling and blushing, even when he's not around. He's "wooing" me. And I like it very, very much. :-D

I probably shouldn't even dignify this with words, but the Douchebag has been in contact lately. He has been emailing me at random, saying hurtful things about me. He wrote this big long speech about me, my flaws, and how he "really" felt about me. It's hard not to let that kind of thing get to me, but what I remember is that I'm not the one who has a completely screwed up life. He is. I'm stable, happy, and exactly where I belong. Anyway, he IM'd me on Yahoo today at random (he's now blocked from sending me messages altogether) and put the icing on the cake. That bastard tore me apart, said unspeakable things about my Mom and Dad, and tried to flaunt his new relationship in my face (like I actually give a shit--I feel sorry for the girl!). Let me tell you...I was livid. I'm not one for confrontation...I really dislike it. But when he had the NERVE to bring up my Mom's disability in the most heinous way possible...I WENT OFF. All of the pent-up things I've wanted to say came out. I *almost* felt bad, but he deserved it 100% and anyone who knows the situation would pat me on the back for saying the things I said. Now there is no possible way for him to contact me, and it's SO much better that way. Since I've taken control of my life and my future (especially the quality of the guys I date...), I don't want anything to do with someone who will purposefully hurt other people's feelings. Someone who will dig to the core of a person and hit them right where it hurts. How dare he say anything about my Mom??? Grrr. Anyway, that's what happened.

Joy and Ted have an anniversary this week! So they're going away to the cabin and I get to have a sleepover with Julie Sunday night. I'll have her from 8:30pm all through the night, until her husband comes to pick her up the next afternoon. I'm a little nervous, but Julie and I get along fantastically and we "communicate" pretty well. In other words, I'm good at guessing what she wants/needs, LOL! I'll have help getting her in and out of bed...I'm not worried so much about getting her out of bed as I am getting her in. It's a pretty long process, haha! But I'm sure it will be fine...I'm more than capable of keeping her happy, fed, clean, clothed and entertained. If I approach each task as it comes, it will be much easier and I won't be so worn out. :-p I'll be sure to write a full story later-Joy has copied several of my entries and used them on the caringbridge site so those who read it can stay informed.

My size 20 jeans are getting looser and looser, and the size 18 capri's Joy gave me of Julie's are fitting better and better. I have a size goal, but not a weight goal. I'm weighing myself once a week to see how I'm doing, but I'm not pushing myself and I'm definitely not denying myself anything. I think I've just been so busy and so distracted and so happy that I'm either eating less or exercising more. Maybe a little bit of both. Still, it's wonderful to watch the numbers fall. It's something tangible, rather than a pair of jeans that can shrink or stretch. Believe me, though, every time I pull on a pair of those size 18 capris I do a little victory dance in my head!!! I'm definitely eating healthier...way more fresh fruits and vegetables (yay for fresh tomatoes from my neighbors and the farmer's market!) and almost NO junk. I have become a slave to No Sugar Added Fudgecicles...they're only 40 calories and completely guilt-free. Best part is...Mom loves them too! I picked up about 4 pounds of fresh green beans from the farmer's market today and Mom was so happy, LOL! SPEAKING OF HEALTHY LIVING...The not-smoking thing is going really, REALLY well!!!! I've been using the lozenge as needed (getting to be less and less) and just not buying cigarettes. I'm super, SUPER proud of myself!!!!! I'm trying to stretch out the time between the lozenges...right now I'm at about 4-5 lozenges a day. There are days it's been 3. Soon, I will be completely nicotine free and I love it!!!!! It's probably the best thing I could possibly do for myself. It's HARD...believe me! But I feel a lot better, I smell better, my car smells better, I taste food better, and frankly I'm not as obsessed as I was. I realize now what a huge hold cigarettes had over my life. It's a tough habit to break, but I'm doing a great job and I'm gonna keep going.

So...That's it for now! I'll be sure to write when the weekend is over so I can keep the masses (all of my 2 readers) informed. ;-)

Happy days.

I'm writing this entry from a rocking chair in my entertainment room, YAY! I have my feet propped up and a laptop in my lap...so happy. There is still a lot to do in here, but it's at the minimum and that's good enough for now. The paint is on the walls (still have to do the doorframe and baseboards), the floor is swept (not mopped), the desk is set up, my crates of DVDs and books (missing a WHOLE CRATE OF BOOKS!!! WTF!!!) are in here, and the art will be ready to be hung later today or tomorrow. Tomorrow, I'm picking up a queen-sized futon mattress from Sarah and Erik to put in here until my broke ass gets a couch. I still need bookshelves, an entertainment center and a TV, too. It looks great in here, really!!! I kinda shocked myself. Of course, I'm picking apart every little flaw, but at least it's mostly done.

I'll have my first company in here this weekend...a big, sexy man!!! We're gonna hang out and watch a movie...it'll be nice. I enjoy talking to him so much, and to tell you the truth I have a major crush going on. The good thing about this is that he likes me too! Hopefully there will be many, many more good times to come. ;-)

I haven't gotten a chance to see Julie this week...hopefully things will slow down a bit next week and we can hang out. As far as I hear, everything is still basically the same.

Anyway, I just wanted to give a quick update since I am so excited to be able to blog in my entertainment room! YAYZ!!! :-)

A lot to cover!

First of all...everyone stand up. Now put your hands together and clap for me. I QUIT SMOKING!!!!!!! I started using the lozenge. It worked for me in the past...I just became weak. This time, someone told me just not to buy cigarettes. That seemed fair enough. I bought a carton, I bought Mom a carton, and decided that was the last one EVER. When I ran out of cigarettes, I popped in a lozenge...and now it's 3 days later and I've only had 2 cigarettes. For someone who used to be a pack-a-day smoker, that's GREAT! It's cool because even though I'm still getting cravings...I just don't buy cigarettes. I don't carry a lighter with me. And if I'm running around, I won't stop at a gas station or anything. It's going really well, I'm super proud of myself! I am finally ready to quit, after all this time. Also, it's the only way I can see my Mom quitting. Most of all...I've changed my life so much over the past year. Out with the bad, in with the good. Smoking is unhealthy, and I want to make sure I'm around for as many years as possible. So...YAY! I'll keep everyone informed on my progress.

I had a date Thursday night! And my oh my...what a date it was! Now, I realize that the Big Sexy Man I will refer to in this paragraph is probably reading this. One of the things you'll learn about me is that I love to blog about my life and the people in it...but give them as much anonymity as they desire. ;-)

Back to the date. So...I had been flirting with Big Sexy Man (BSM) for a couple of weeks, and had a really good feeling about all of it. Such a good feeling that I didn't want to blog anything about it until something actually happened. Well...we had a date. We saw a movie at Newport on the Levee, a midnight show and an opening night (which I didn't know at the time). I was hopelessly nervous, but luckily I looked hopelessly hot. Long story short...we had an amazing night. I had no idea what the movie was going to be about, but caught on pretty quickly and at least was able to concentrate on the plot (kinda). It's hard to concentrate on the plot of a sci-fi movie when you are enveloped in the greatest snuggle session ever. :-) Anyway, we watched the movie, then sat in our seats and talked, cuddled and kissed until the cleaning crew reached our row. He walked me to my car, where we talked, cuddled and kissed some more. I like him. He likes me. We'll be seeing each other again, and soon. Damn...that is one big sexy man. Wow.

I am almost done painting the entertainment room!!!!!!! I put the red on the wall today, and will be going back tomorrow and doing a 2nd coat and finishing the edges. Next, I found the PERFECT COUCH for in there! I found an awesome black sofa bed at Target. The cushions on the end bend up to be used as armrests, and it looks like a loveseat, or if you lay the cushions flat, it's a couch. And, it can be laid out as a bed. It's comfortable...and UNDER $200! As soon as I get the damn paint on the walls, I'm getting it. I'll start using the computer in there (my computer is still a paperweight...I'm using Mom's for now) and it can serve as a TV of sorts until I can finally get a TV/DVD player. It sucks that I had to sell my shit when I moved, but it did make my load lighter in the end. Plus, I sold my DVD player for more than I payed for it...so I can't complain. ;-) By this time next week, I want that room to be completely painted and at least minimally furnished. I found some cute candles at Target today that will be perfect for the room. I already have a footstool/storage space. There's already a desk. I found a gorgeous lamp today at Target that I didn't buy...this room is going to be beautiful! I'll be sure to take pics when it's done.

The only bad news this week...Julie had a neuro appointment and the Doctor recommended hospice. On one hand...I understand. On the other hand...I don't think it's necessary right now. The worst thing about this news is that the doctor apparently said this in front of Julie. The thing that makes me cry is that Julie cried. :-( She's still in her body and she knows what's happening to her. It breaks my heart. I vacillate between wanting to keep her here and wanting for it to be over for her. I know she's going to die...I understand that and I accept that it's going to happen. But her comfort level is the most important thing for me. I want her to be able to walk and move her hands and arms for as long as humanly possible. I want her to eat and drink and do it without choking. (I'm sorry, Joy and Ted...I know you're reading this...I read the caringbridge yesterday and was so upset that I absolutely had to write about it.) I don't want her to be a prisoner of her own body. I can tell that it depresses her when she can't physically move. She's obviously glad for help...but frustrated and sad that she needs it at all. I used to think she was blissfully unaware, but that's so not true. All I know is...I'm going to give her as many hugs as I possibly can and spend as much time with her as I can while she's here.

Sorry to end on such a sour note! It has been a great week and I'm super optimistic about the future. I'm a non-smoker, I had an epic date with an epic guy, my home improvement projects are finally getting done, and I have a ton of friends and family who care about me. I am so glad to be back in KY...I wouldn't have traded my experiences for the world, but I belonged here the whole time.

A good week.

On the back porch of the cabin in IN

Okay! So it's been a pretty interesting week. I took Mom to her appt with the pain specialist, and it didn't really go the way I thought it would. I figured he would suggest that she get the implant, or at least give her a really good exam. He watched her walk, tested her reflexes, and asked her about the pain. Here's the thing...she's in pain EVERY SINGLE DAY. It doesn't matter how bad...it varies. But there is a level of pain there all the time. When she has periods of time where she doesn't sleep and can barely get out of bed, there's a fucking problem. She does not need nor does she deserve to be in that much pain! I sat there with tears in my eyes and told the Doctor that she'll go days without sleeping and I can't even hold a conversation with her...and he fucking perscribed her Percocet. Thanks, but no thanks! So now, instead of ruining her liver and kidneys with Vicodin, she can do it with Percocet. Anyway, he gave her 15 for the month and then he'll see her again. I just think this implant could really help things and she could be happier over the long run.

I had a great couple of days at the cabin with Julie and her folks! I didn't think I was going to make it at all...it was storming HARD Tuesday afternoon when I was leaving and there were a ton of accidents. What should have been a 45 minute drive took me nearly 2 hours. The interstate I was supposed to be traveling on was closed, but it turned out it wasn't until after my exit. Whew! I was freaking out, calling IN Highway Patrol and the campground trying to figure out if I could get in or even if Joy, Ted and Julie needed to head home! It was that bad. However, I did end up getting up there and we had a fabulous time! Joy made it sound like the cabins were pretty rustic, but they ended up having refrigerators and TVs! They were really nice. At least nicer than what I'm used to when it comes to cabins in the woods! I commented that this was WAY better than Higher Ground band camp, and Julie smiled. I didn't get to do any fishing or swimming, but that was more than okay with me for this trip. I was fine just relaxing and helping with Julie. The first night, we had dinner and sat around the table (yeah, a decent sized kitchen table that accomodates 6 adults...in a cabin...) telling stories. We had Julie squealing with laughter. I'm pretty open with Joy and Ted and they are with me, so the conversations we were having probably would have made the average person blush, LOL! Julie was pretty restless that first night, but it was probably due to the fact that she was in a new place.

Wednesday was so much fun. Julie was a little slow-moving in the morning, from being restless the night before. But we got up and went to the store and went driving around the campground. I can't believe how nice some of these cabins are! I couldn't get over it. I'm used to a 1-room shack with no bathroom and 20+ girls in bunkbeds. Some of the cabins had satellite TV! WTF! Anyway, we ended up having a nice dinner and Julie's brother Joe made a fire outside so we could chill out. Julie ate 3 smores, LOL! It was great...she had chocolate all over her face and all over her hands and arms...and a shit-eating grin on her face. She had been having trouble eating all day so it was awesome to see her chowing down and laughing her ass off with us around the fire. We both slept like stones that night!

I told Joy and Ted that I would bring Julie to Mike on Thursday, so they could stay until Saturday. I was sad I had to leave, but I told Mom I'd be home on Thursday anyway so I didn't disrupt my schedule. I took lots of pictures while I was there, and I'm positive that Julie had a great time. I dropped Julie off with Mike, then headed back up to Mt. Washington to get my Brother John's dog Deano. John and Candice decided to take an impromptu visit to Cleveland, so we're watching Deano for the weekend.

So...that's pretty much it for now! When something exciting happens, I'll be sure to say something. ;-)

Life-n-stuff.

Things have been pretty average around here, almost painfully so! But, things are also really good. I've just been spending a lot of time with my Mom, with Sarah, and with my Nieces. Mom's birthday has come and gone...she had a nice day! I'm glad I get to be here with her for that kind of stuff.

I'm still in home improvement mode...I started painting my childhood bedroom, the one I am going to use as a living room of sorts. 3 walls are already painted a nice sand color, and the accent wall will be a gorgeous red. I'm a little nervous about the sand color being a bit to pinkish for the red, but I'm sure it'll work out. If it doesn't look right, all I have to do is go pick another color! I'd like to do a simple Asian theme in there...nothing too crazy. I've heard of people painting their walls chocolate brown and red, but the room is far too small to put such a dark color on the walls. Plus, I'm looking for a place to relax...not a place to be depressed! Mom and I have been talking about what kind of flowers she'd like me to plant next year, and I can't wait to get started. I want a small garden in the front yard, and 2 gardens to mirror each other in the back. Mom also wants a rose bush. I blame my Cancer astrology and Sarah's new house for this "nesting" thing I'm doing. I like it though...it's fun!

Mom has a doctor's appointment tomorrow to see about getting that implant that may help her pain!!!! I'm so excited for it. She is so miserable sometimes (like today) and I think the implant would do a world of good. I hope she's a candidate for it and that it will help her if she chooses to get it.

After Mom's doctor appointment, I have to get my oil changed and go to IN! Joy and Ted decided to take Julie to a cabin and go camping, and I was invited to hang out and help out as needed. I think it's gonna be a lot of fun! They headed up there today, and I'll join them tomorrow. I took Julie out for a mall outing last week, and we had a blast! We took her transport wheelchair to make things easier, but Julie was doing SO much better than the last time I saw her. She was all smiles, she was walking much better, and she seemed more alert. She also fed herself almost a whole piece of pizza (which I had cut up) and that was awesome!!! Last time we went out, I had to feed her every bite she took. She also drank a lot. We looked at scented candles, clothes, and we ended up at Bath and Body Works for shower gel. They had a nice sale going on, so we walked (well, I walked. Julie rolled!) out of there with plenty of body wash. I understand Julie's wants a little more every time we hang out. At the mall, I was pushing her in the chair when she started leaning forward and grabbing her leg. I stopped and asked if she was okay, then realized she was feeling the hair on her legs, LOL! I said, "You want your legs shaved, eh?" and she smiled. I told her I'd tell her Mom, and smiled some more. She didn't lean forward the rest of the day. I just try to think like she does-what would *I* want if I were in her situation?? I make an effort to do the little things like keep her hair out of her face because she can't brush it away and keep our little 1-sided conversations rolling. I probably drive her crazy with my stories, but most of the time she smiles and/or laughs so that's nice. This little mini-vacation is going to be a lot of fun...I'm so glad Julie gets to do stuff like this. And it's an absolute pleasure hanging out with her and her folks.

I admit it...I'm flirting with a man. A big, sexy man. It feels good to flirt again, and it seems like it's being reciprocated. Since I've gotten more used to being here, I see that there really is a whole slew o' men that are still single and are really nice guys. I've opened my eyes back up to the opposite sex, and it feels good. Socially, I'm doing really well. I'm still having a little trouble with being *slightly* shy around new people, but everyone I'm meeting has been so much more than nice. I do realize that nobody is going to roll out the red carpet for me, so I'm making a real effort to be social and get to know people. All in all, things are good for me socially right now. In fact, the only worry I have about these new folks is that I might not be geeky enough, LOL! I'm a nerd in my own right, but I'm just learning about a lot of the stuff these people are into. Trying to maintain my individuality while getting to know people with different interests is kind of a tightrope thing, but I'm doing well. ;-)

I'm sure I'll post again sometime after I get back from the cabin on Thursday. Until then...

Another few good days.

I've had another few good days since I blogged last...Saturday evening Maggie and Evelyn came over and we ended up going to the St. Paul festival. I've been to that festival more than a few times and have always had fun, but I don't remember ever having a kid with me! Taking them out completely by myself was kinda scary...I was afraid one of them was going to try to wander off or something. But they were perfect angels, and they spent all of my money, LOL! We ate snowcones (see above pic), rode the teacup ride twice (with Evelyn turning white when I'd spin the car too fast), rode a couple of other rides, listened and danced to the band, had funnel cake and it was AWESOME. I like making memories with them.

Mom has still been in a lot of pain. One good thing, though...we're finally getting the gutter board and gutter fixed on this house! The damn thing is loose and could fall (there's no way it would make it through winter and the snow). I had been bugging Mom about getting it fixed, and we were going to make some phone calls on Monday, but it just so happens that a local door-to-door guy stopped by on Sunday and offered to fix it. Mom had spoken to him a couple of years ago and knew he was legit, so she decided to let him do it. They're supposed to come tomorrow to tear down the gutter board and gutter, replace and REINFORCE them, and fix our storm door. YAY!!! One small home improvement project done. Now to convince her to get new siding! I also want to work outside so desperately, but can't figure out what to do. There's an area of the backyard that would make a perfect garden area but I need to dig it out (there are already stones surrounding it). I want to plant some flowers but I don't know what kind because DAMMIT, this is KY and I have no idea what will/won't survive the winter! :-( So, if anyone out there has ideas of what I can do as far as gardening goes at this point of summer, let me know!

I got Mom out of the house on Monday...we had to go get some things notarized at the bank for Cioci Denise's estate and in the meantime, we went through the grocery store. She hasn't been in a grocery store in AGES!!! We also went to the library. We took the wheelchair for both trips because she's been hurting so much, but it was good to get her out. Then I dropped by Sarah's to drop off her Mom's Sugar Glider (whom I had been babysitting) and hang out for a bit. I came home, watched an awesome documentary on Netflix (as has been custom for me lately) and went to bed. A very, very good day.

Today was a pretty good day, and I blame that on the fact that I kept myself super busy all day and distracted. I also woke up really early this morning, so it's been a full day. I went to the Post Office, CVS, and the gas station, all before noon. Then I went to Sarah's to check out the progress on their house. They painted the master bedroom yesterday and it looks great! They also got their bed last night so they'll be sleeping in the house from now on. Jack actually jumped and did a little jig he was so happy to see me (that's their dog, for those uninformed). Ahhh, that's unconditional love. Best dog ever. Anyway, then I went to Julie's for a much-needed "girl day"! We grabbed some lunch and finally saw "Angels & Demons". The movie was okay...I wouldn't put it on the same level with "The DaVinci Code" but it was good. It was actually a little gory, which I didn't expect. Since Julie and I were out alone for the first time, I was a little worried about how I would balance having things in my hands and having to help her walk. But, to my surprise, the girl at the concession stand actually offered to walk with us to the theatre. She walked with us, waited until I got Julie in a seat, handed me our stuff and she was so sweet and patient!!! Considering it took over 5 minutes to get Julie from the concession area into the theatre, this girl was so much more than patient and awesome. Julie's general mood today was poopy...she seemed really tired and kinda off-balance physically. Walking was SUPER slow, and eating and drinking was almost non-existent. I did remember that she'll eat Twizzlers really easily at the movies, while popcorn isn't so easy. So she did eat some Twizzlers, a few pieces of popcorn and drank a little bit of soda. Leaving the theatre was a disaster...she was moving in super-super slow motion and freezing every few steps. When I finally got her to the car, she was so off-balance that I couldn't get her close to the door. Usually she gets in and out with no problem, but she was exhausted (she kept closing her eyes) and her body just wasn't cooperating with her. We were having such a visibly hard time (Julie looking like a drunk leaning to one side and having a hard time moving her feet and me sweating and trying to coax her into different positions) that a guy asked if I needed any help. I declined, but was frustrated and afraid she was going to fall. I was just about to call Joy and Ted and see what to do or get some help, when her body finally decided to cooperate and she got in the car. I wanted to do a victory dance, LOL! Usually, it's very easy for me to get her in and out of the car. Easier for me than it is for her Dad, anyway. Very, very simple. Poor Julie had a bad day, hopefully she'll feel better tomorrow! One cool thing that happened with Julie today was when we were in the car on the way to lunch, that song "Gotta Be" by Desiree came on the radio, the one from the mid 90's. "Gotta be hard, ya gotta be tough, ya gotta be stronger..."--You know the song. Anyway, we used to do angle exercises to that song my Freshman year when Julie was a Senior. We looked at each other at exactly the same time, and she smiled! I said, "We used to do angle exercises to that song!" and she smiled even bigger. It was awesome! Every time I hear that song, I think of those angle exercises, LOL! Anyway, overall it was a great and productive day for me. I'll probably keep the ball rolling by helping Sarah move tomorrow, as long as my Mom is feeling okay. We also have the gutter guy coming tomorrow, and Mom's Nurse is coming first thing in the morning so I guess I better get some sleep!

Things are good. :-)

Life as usual.

Things are pretty good around here. The trip to Laurel Lake with Sarah and her folks really changed my perspective on everything. I am happy here in KY, 9 times out of 10. I get to see my Nieces all the time, and they adore me. I am so thankful I'm able to be a part of their lives and watch them grow up. They're so different and so amazing at the same time. Maggie has become such an incredible young lady. She's inquisitive and hungry for knowledge. She keeps herself busy and entertained, which is nice when you run out of ideas of things to do with her. :-) She asks the most awesome questions, and they come out at random about completely random things. Her laugh is hilarious...she has the strangest sense of humor and I totally adore it. Evelyn has become like my shadow. She follows me EVERYWHERE! She will call and talk to my Mom almost every day, and almost always asks to talk to me. When I get on the phone with her, I'll start walking around the house and I'll ask her what she's doing. She'll say, "Oh, just walking around the house...". She's so much like me it's scary. Except she likes to be outside more than I ever have. :-P I have had so much fun with both of them lately...painting and playing with sidewalk chalk in the backyard, catching fireflies, picking flowers...I remind myself that they're out of school and it's summertime...so even when I don't want to go outside I do it anyway. Who wants to remember summers as a child stuck inside??


My Mom and I are getting along great. She's still dealing with losing Cioci Denise, and it's been very hard on her. Add to that her pain...and she's not in a good spot right now. Most days, it's okay. But she's not functioning NEAR on the level she was before we went to Utica. Yesterday, she was in so much pain she stayed completely fucked up all day and night. She could barely get out of bed, and couldn't stand. Today, she managed to get herself breakfast but hasn't been able to get up since. I hate seeing her like this. Absolutely hate it. I try to maintain a positive attitude and keep her distracted in whatever ways I can, but it is heartbreaking to be in a conversation with her and all of a sudden she cries out in pain. I don't know what to do about it, I know there's nothing I really *can* do about it. There is, apparently, some kind of implant she can get that may help the nerve pain, and I'm trying to convince her to get it. She's scared that it won't work, or that she'll get meningitis (her words, not mine!). I've also convinced her that her pain pills are torturing her kidneys and liver, and that she should try Melatonin to help her sleep. She took 2 last night, and still couldn't sleep because of the pain. I just don't know what to do. Because she's been awake for almost 2 days straight, she's smoked 2 packs of cigarettes. She's got a cough, her Dr is on vacation, and she won't see another Dr in the practice. She has a sore on her leg (another one...there was one that *just* healed and now there's another) from a little round piece on her catheter which was rubbing her leg and she couldn't feel it. At least we know where the sores came from, and now we can avoid getting any more. I felt really smart when I figured out where the 2nd one came from. :-P


I've been dying to spend more time with Julie, and things just haven't been working in my favor. She's doing okay overall, but is apparently having some trouble drinking. It makes me sad. I love spending time with her, helping her, helping Joy and Ted, helping her Dad, doing whatever I can. Every time I see her, I come home and fill my Mom in on what she did and how she's doing. I have to say that it makes my Mom grateful. As with my Mom, it makes me crazy that someone with so much promise and such an awesome spirit already has their best years behind them. But...she makes me think about my life and what my goals are. Especially when it comes to family. Leaving Justin made so much more sense to me when I thought, "Would he be willing to care for me if I had this disease, or any other for that matter?" The answer is NO, and I think those are things to think about when you're choosing a mate. When Joy and Ted went out of town for the FTD conference, I really wanted to take Julie out to a movie and to eat, and unload things off my chest. Unfortunately, her husband kept her pretty busy the whole time and I wasn't able to see her. I previously told her a little bit about my frustrations with the opposite sex, and she laughed her ass off. She can't talk, but she understands every word I say and she understands where I'm coming from. I love making her laugh...it's like I've accomplished something. The more she smiles, the better off everyone is and the easier it is to deal with what's going on. I wish there was more education about this kind of disease. I had NEVER heard of it before, and neither had my Mom who was a Nurse for 26 years. But when someone who is your age (a little older) has dementia and is now mute and incontinent at 31 years of age...it makes you stand up and pay attention. I have to say, though...she is an absolute joy to be around and I adore her Parents (all three of them :-P).


BFF Sarah and Erik the Betrothed bought a house! And it's less than a mile from my house! I have had so much fun helping them set up. My Cancer homemaking urges have totally kicked in, and I've started thinking about how much I want to get done around this house. I've had a blast stripping wallpaper and painting, hanging out in the hammock in the backyard, watching Jack with a goofy-ass grin on his face as he chases squirrels and runs hither and yon, and helping them beautify their home. I'm so happy they've moved closer. Now, if only I can get Jamie to move to Florence, I'll be totally happy! :-D


Elise and Lenny are getting married TODAY!!! OMG! FINALLY! I am so happy for them. Elise has been one of the best people ever in my life, and I am elated that this is finally happening for her. I wish I could be there...hindsight is always 20/20 but I really wish I wouldn't have gone to CA in May so that I could have afforded to be there now. Maybe when Baby Hillinger is born, I can make a trip. For all of the things Elise has done for me, I feel terrible that I can't be there. She was one of the only people in CA who truly accepted me for who I am, stayed my friend through thick and thin, never rejected me, and went above and beyond for me. She's an example. For real.


I've been doing a lot of reflecting and just getting on with life. I have the need to flirt, which I imagine I'll be doing very soon. That's definitely a sign that I'm getting more "back to myself". For the first time in a long time, I feel completely single. And it's GOOD! I finally feel free to really flirt with people, to date, to have something healthy in my life and not be restricted. I haven't felt like a single woman in over a year, and right now I feel like I have a whole world of men to choose from. This time...I'll make better choices. It's kinda hard not to make a good choice when I have my Mom, Sarah, Jamie, etc all keeping tabs on what kind of guy I choose. They will not steer me wrong. Sometimes my "picker" has a glitch and I end up in a situation where I waste far too much time and energy on a man who is no good for me. All of the women in my life today have a vested interest in seeing my complete happiness with a guy who is worthy of me and who is willing to put in as much work into a relationship as I am. I KNEW I was redeemable!!!! I KNEW I could get out of my rut and realize what is good for me and what isn't. What is healthy and what isn't. Who to spend my time with and who to ignore. The thing is...if 2 or more important people in my life don't approve of who I'm with...they're probably right. Especially when it comes to Sarah and Jamie, because if they agree on ANYTHING it's a big surprise. :-P Lesson?--LISTEN TO THOSE WHO MATTER. THOSE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO ARE MOST AFFECTED BY YOUR ACTIONS, EXCEPT YOURSELF.


I've lost weight, almost 20 pounds to be exact! I'm down 2 dress sizes...I haven't been this size since college! I'm used to buying a 22/24, and I bought a pair of jeans that are a straight-up 20! And they FIT! COMFORTABLY!!!! I'm the Amazing Shrinking Jen. I don't know how it happened, but it did and I'm just gonna keep doing what I'm doing and hope that I slim down some more. I don't see myself ever being smaller than a 16 (given my bone structure and height) but I think I'd shit myself if I made it there. My biggest fear is losing my boobs. :-P It's been a combination of eating breakfast in the morning (less hungry through the day), restricting my munchie intake (40 calorie fudgesicles FTW), and most of the time I'm upstairs in my room by 10pm so late-night snacking is easy to resist. Plus, I'm not in CA (Land of Mexican Food) anymore, so my diet has been totally different. I rarely have fast food anymore, and I know that's made a huge difference. Also, I am always drinking sugar-free kool-aid, reduced sugar cranberry juice, or Sprite Zero...a far cry from the gallons of energy drinks I used to consume. Add in a little bit of exercise (running around with my Nieces, etc), and the weight is coming off.


My birthday was great! I got lots of phone calls and texts and facebook comments. I am definitely loved. Mom made salad, lasagna and garlic bread for dinner, and a cake for dessert. The whole family got together the Sunday afterwards for dinner. Mom was in a lot of pain and we had to leave early, but it was good to be with everyone again. I miss our regular Sunday dinners. Hopefully I can get this house in good shape soon and we can do it like we used to.


So, that's life. Everything is getting better, a little bit at a time. I have my good days and bad days, but overall I'm so happy. I finally got a KY drivers license and I'm working on getting my license plates and registration. Let's hope that works out. I changed my phone number to a KY number, and let me tell you...it has been the most freeing thing of all. Now, people who I don't want to have my phone number DON'T HAVE IT! I don't have to give it to them! They can't call me anymore! *I* get to choose who has the number. I like that a lot. I was nervous about changing my number because I've had the same number for over 3 years now...but it was pretty easy to text or call all of the affected parties and let them know. And those that I don't want to hear from...can kiss my ass. ;-) Things are falling into place, I'm almost totally adjusted to KY. It took a little over 3 months, but I'm finally in a place where I'm happy to be here and I'm looking forward to the future.

Beginning my new life.

Now that I've been able to clear my head a little bit after being back from all of my trips, I'm feeling a little bit better. Things aren't great, but they're okay and they'll only get better.

The whole thing with Justin got kinda out of control, and I had to say goodbye to him as a friend, for now. It just hurt me so much to hear about him doing things with someone else that I should have been there for. I'm really, truly happy for him. I tried to be a "big girl" and be classy and tough, but eventually it just got to the point where it hurt me far too much. Chapter of life...closed. I'm really sad about this, but there's just no other way at this point. I live in KY, he lives in CA, and now he's found someone else. Maybe we'll be friends somewhere down the line. I sure hope so. The day I emailed him to tell him that I couldn't talk to him anymore, I cried for hours. I can't imagine life without him...it feels like there are two distinct time periods in my life--Before Justin and After Justin. I fell for him unlike anybody else, and it's my own damn fault. ;-) So far, I haven't really been tempted to check up on him like I usually do--and that's REALLY good. I know this won't be easy, but I really think it needs to be this way. I need to move on with my love life before I can talk to him again.

So...I went to Laurel Lake in Corbin, KY with BFF Sarah and her Parents! It was absolutely amazing. I lived in KY for 19 years and had never been to Cumberland or any other lake other than the Little Miami (which is a dump). This trip was EXACTLY what I needed. I giggled like a schoolgirl while riding a Sea-Doo for the first time (and every subsequent time, LOL!), I tubed off of the Sea-Doo, I swam in a relatively clean lake, I got caught in a thunderstorm in a boat, I got to let loose with my BFF and just enjoy where I was. There was no schedule to keep, no cell phones (I kept my cell phone off for the majority of 2 days!), nobody even had a watch. It was the most relaxing thing I possibly could have done, and I can't thank Sarah enough for inviting me. I used to think stuff like that was kinda stupid, but I see now why and how it is SO much fun! I can't begin to describe the beauty of this place. It was the best 2 days I've had in a long, long time.

I'm sad to report that a friend of mine from CA has died. Kalin was a young, gorgeous, incredible young lady who I totally adored. I met her about 2 years ago, maybe a little longer. She was clean and sober while I knew her, unfortunately she went and picked up a heroin habit. She died of an overdose a few days ago...she was 18. In fact, she may have been 17 if I remember correctly, but I'm not sure. All you guys need to know is that she was YOUNG, and far too incredible to be taken from us. She had the best smile...she always made me feel like she was really excited to see me. She had the most beautiful, perfect long brown hair. She had absolutely everything going for her...it's a damn shame she won't be able to live the life she was meant to. :-( I didn't expect the loss to hit me as hard as it did...she and I were friends but we weren't besties or anything. I cried my eyes out, though, and had a long talk with my Mom about her and how this affects so many people that I love (even though we might not speak anymore). It's sad to see a person die who you know had all the potential in the world. :-(

I'm giving myself a little time off from men, so that I can completely reacclimate myself to KY. Part of the reason I wanted to stay in CA is because I thought it was SOOOOO beautiful. It is, but KY takes the cake on beautiful. It's just fucking gorgeous here. Our trip to the lake proved that, and almost every day (except when it's raining!) the sky is beautiful with big, fluffy clouds. Quite a change from where CA...and for some reason I never gave the beauty of KY a second glance. There is so much to do out here, so much to see! Anyway, I'm giving myself this time-out from men because my heart is broken in a million pieces and as much as I'd love to get hitched THIS VERY MINUTE...it wouldn't be right at this point. I need to slow down, enjoy my surroundings, do some introspection, and maybe then I'll be at a place where I can share my life with someone. Hopefully it won't take long though, LOL!

Anyway, that's about it. Just thought I'd update the masses (my, like, 2 readers) on what is happening in my life. ;-)

Long, long month...

This was Cioci Denise at her finest. In tie-dye, braless and shoeless, playing a drum in front of a lake that she had just canoed in.

Proof that exes can be fantastic friends.

We met December 28, 2007. This was May 29, 2009 and this is the first picture EVER of the two of us (at least our faces, LOL!). He has possibly the most hilarious facial expression EVER.


The most beautiful tattoo ever. I couldn't have thought of anything more beautiful to put on my body than this, and it was done by someone I love dearly which makes it that much better. I treasure it.

It's been a long month...Where do I begin??

I guess I should start with Cioci Denise. My Cioci Denise was an amazing, strong woman with whom I had so much in common. She was a hippie to the core, loved tye-dye and sweatpants, hated wearing a bra or shoes, was sarcastic and wonderful in every way. She worked with troubled kids for as long as I can remember, and most recently she worked for the City Food Bank. She was there when I was born. She was the youngest of 4 girls...Cioci Sharon, Cioci Carol, my Mom, then her. She was my favorite Aunt. For the unaware, Cioci is Polish for Aunt and is pronounced "chuh-chee".

She was diagnosed with Cancer of the vulva in 1995, and had one of the most radical surgeries I'd ever heard of at the time. Her Cancer horrified me. The surgery horrified me. But she seemed so incredibly well-adjusted afterward that I didn't worry about her. Being a grown woman now instead of a teenager, I can see how terrified she must have been of having a life-changing surgery like that. Very scary stuff. She went into remission for almost 10 years, and then had cancer in the glands in her mouth...then had some back pain and they found a mass in her lung. It was in her lung, spine, ribs, diaphram...it was everywhere. They broke her ribs at the spine, scraped off her spine and ribs, then put them back together, scraped off her diaphram, removed a lobe of her lung, and removed some lymph nodes--ALL IN ONE SURGERY. It was the second most radical surgery I'd ever heard of...they took care of everything at once. At the same time (this was in 2005), my Grandfather had surgery for an anyeurism and never woke up. Cioci Denise, fighting hard, was sitting up in her bed the day after her surgery. She was fine, but was re-diagnosed in 2006 with a liver tumor. When they went to remove it...they found one in her kidney. For this round of the battle with Cancer, she had 6 (YES, SIX!!) rounds of chemo and then radiation.

I should probably mention that life never slowed down for Cioci Denise. She worked as much as she could. She explored life. She traveled hither and yon. She was so creative!! She learned how to make glass art and glass jewlery, and our house is full of her work. When I worked at Verizon, she made me a necklace that looked like a telephone. (I should mention that she always made fun of me for being on the phone for hours at a stretch...so it fit!) The point is...she never stopped living life. EVER. She never let Cancer control her...she grabbed life by the horns and lived every single second to the fullest. How does someone DO that?? How do you not get caught up in saying "WTF!" and get out there and play Native American drums to the sunset with a bunch of Nuns and your 2 Sisters?? How do you spend time with your family and not be scared shitless every single day that you could possibly die? How do you continue to give to people who don't deserve it...how do you not be selfish and just CRY? I will never know how she did it, because I never asked...but somehow (it seemed) she was able to forget that it was there while living her life and still fighting like a pack of rabid pit bulls.

How do you battle little (or big) groups of malignant cells in your body...growing all over your body...for 14 years? And not go completely insane?

She went for a scan in the beginning of May, and her best friend Kim called my Mom. The tumors in her spine were back, and there was a huge mass in her kidney as well as tumors in her pelvis, lung and lymph nodes. She had the option to do chemo again, but the Doctors told her that the chemo only had a 20% chance of SLOWING the tumors. Surgery was just not an option...she was in no shape to be going through another radical surgery. She was being admitted to the hospital for pain control and she decided to go ahead and do the chemo. Kim told my Mom to get up there...she may live 2 weeks, she may live 3 months...but this is it. Mom and I rented a car and drove to Utica, NY. She was given chemo on Tuesday the 12th. We left on May 14th (Thursday), and got there on the 15th (Friday). My poor Mom...you must remember that she has terrible pain in her backside and up and down her legs almost constantly. The drive was not easy on her. But, being a former Pediatric Oncology Nurse, she knew that she had to get up there. The plan was for me to drive her up there, stay a few days, and drive home to go to CA. I would leave Mom up there until things got really bad and then I would come back up. It was supposed to be a matter of weeks/months. We packed ALL of my Mom's colostomy and catheder supplies, and made arrangements for paying bills. We went clothes shopping for the trip and Mom brought enough clothes to last her almost a month. I was thinking she'd be up there 2-3 months, and so did she. Things did not turn out that way. Read on, my lovelies...

We went straight to the hospital. Cioci Denise was thinner than I'd ever seen her. She was always a thick and tall lady...in fact, we have similar body types. Tall, curvy, and thick. To see her in a hospital bed looking SO thin was shocking. Her legs were swollen with edema, and her feet were huge. Her toes were turning blue. Her sarcasm was still there, but I could tell that she was a very sick lady. She explained that she might be going home on Monday, and would need a lot of adaptive equipment for the house, including a hospital bed. At that point, I was thinking that she would indeed be able to go home, even if it wasn't that Monday. Meanwhile, I was trying to acclimate myself to where I was. I hadn't even been to NY since 1996. I hadn't seen Cioci Denise since 2001. I hadn't seen Cioci Sharon, probably, since the last time I had been there, nor had I seen my Cousin Melissa (Cioci Denise's Daughter) or met her 2 boys--one of which is almost 13 years old. Same with Denise's "Husband" Tom...they had been separated since she was first diagnosed with Cancer and I was never close to him to begin with. I felt really bad for not having seen them, and did apologize for not being around much. I talked to Cioci Denise on the phone from time to time, but as a whole I don't tend to have a lot of contact with my Mom's side of the family. No particular reason, that's just the way it is. Anyway, we all had a nice dinner together at the hospital, Denise, Sharon, my Mom and I. Since everyone but Denise knew that she was going to die eventually, they were kinda just letting her have whatever she wanted to eat, diabetes be damned. Let the insulin handle it...let her have what she wanted. At least then, she'd eat. :-(

We went back on Saturday and she looked bad. Her legs were even more swollen then they were the day before. Her toes were more blue. She said she was in pain. She was in and out of sleep while we were there...LOTS of pain meds. We hung out, watched TV, joked around, etc. At this point, I was thinking she would never leave the hospital, but she still had weeks left to live. The month theory went right out the window. Anyway, when we went to leave, I was very careful when I was hugging her. My concern was the tumors in her spine. Since I had been there, anyone who had given her a hug was very gentle. So when I hugged her gently, I was quite surprised that she said to me, "No, I want a big hug.". I hugged her again, still gently, but squeezed a little harder and she squeezed me as hard as she could. I am so glad those were her last words to me. Mom and I left because she had a colostomy blowout. It wasn't bad, but it was a blowout. So we went home, and she had another one. She had been taking antibiotics for a sore on her leg and they totally fucked her stomach up. She was beyond upset, and I was doing total damage control on the whole thing. Besides the fact that her Sister was dying, she had to deal with the fact that she can't even fully help anymore. So I cleaned her up (I would like my Good Daughter Badge, please...) and we went to bed.

Sunday morning, Mom and I were awoken by a phone call from Cioci Sharon. The Doctors suspected Denise had contracted pneumonia overnight, and she was being moved to the Critical Care Unit. We were concerned, but we didn't know whether or not it was pneumonia so we went back to sleep. An hour later, someone else called and said that she did, in fact, have pneumonia. Mom and I hurried to the hospital, and what we saw was shocking. EVERYONE was there. Tom, Melissa, her Husband Jim, Kim, Sharon, my Mom and I. Cioci Denise had tubes everywhere, and an oxygen mask (which she hadn't had since I'd been there). Her O2 levels were in the 80's, so she was not very coherent. She struggled to breathe. The chemo she had been given less than a week prior had weakened her immune system to the point where she easily contracted pneumonia, and as we found out later, MRSA. Everyone was absolutely devestated seeing her this way. Someone would look at her for just a little too long and burst into tears. Unfortunately, there were decisions to be made because she hadn't signed a Do Not Resuscitate order before she came in, although that was her wish. Mom and Sharon had some time alone to think and cry and decide, and the DNR was in place. We all came back in the room and everyone was kinda standing in an arc around her bed. She said, "You guys are standing around like I'm on my deathbed." Nobody said anything. The Father from the Church she belonged to came and gave her the Annointment of the Sick (basically saying "you're cool with God...whenever you wanna die is fine) and we all just bawled silently and tried to straighten up before Denise opened her eyes. She was in terrible pain. The most wonderful Nurse I've ever met, Greg, came in and asked her if she wanted another breathing machine, one that would make it easier to breathe but harder for her to talk. She told him to "Do what you gotta do...for someone else.". She was very agitated, moving her tubing around and not able to get comfortable. He arranged for a morphine drip. God bless him. He was absolutely fantastic. He made sure she was in no pain. He kept us comfortable and informed. He brought us cookie trays and pots of coffee. He made it so that nobody had to call to get inside the CCU (CCU has locked doors and you have to call from an internal phone and someone will let you in)...he knew what all of us looked like and as soon as we were seen on the camera outside the CCU, the door opened. Greg, and every other Nurse and Doctor on that floor were fucking amazing. I can only hope that I can get that kind of Nurse if I ever need that kind of care. Anyway, they started the morphine drip. 5 minutes later, we asked her if she was in any pain. She said "No", and that was good enough for us. She was asleep soon thereafter.

Then, we sat vigil. The CCU staff turned off the monitors in the room so we weren't so focused on the numbers of it all. We had no idea what her blood pressure, oxygen level, heart rate, etc were for most of the day. It was good that way. While she slept, we sat around her bed, held her hands, and talked. Her best friend Kim was there, and told us a million stories of the fun things they did together. Funny things she said, stuff they did, places they went, foods they tried, etc. We all shared stories about her and about each other. It was absolutely wonderful. I thought to myself that if fate sees fit, that's how I'd like to die. With my family and my best friends with me. Sharing stories, laughing together, crying only because they'll miss me. She was asleep and unable to respond and share with us...but she heard us. Every word. Imagine what that must be like. You're in your final hours, unconcious but hearing everything around you. Your family and your friends are telling stories of your life...the best stories! Nothing is censored, nothing is off-limits unless it's going to hurt someone's feelings. What stories would be shared about me? Someone better put a muzzle on BFF Sarah, LOL! (Just kidding, I love you and I would want you there, telling my grown-ass kids about shenanigans we've pulled...)

Seriously, the hours dragged. Mom and I arrived at about 11am, and we never left the hospital. Kim got food for everyone, and we all stayed as comfortable as we could. I killed time by smoking lots of cigarettes outside, making phone calls, charging people's phones in my car, and helping out where I could. Mom only laid down a couple of times to try to get some sleep in the evening and to rest her butt (terrible pain ensued for a full week afterward...it was bad.). Mom, Sharon, Kim and I stayed ALL day and night. Melissa went home, and asked that we call her when the time came near so she would have enough time to get to the hospital. At 3:44am, I snapped a picture on my cell phone of my Mom holding Denise's hand. Denise isn't in the picture at all. Looking at it now, I can see the complete panic, exhaustion and sadness in my Mom's face. About 5 minutes after I took the picture, the automatic blood pressure cuff took her blood pressure and could not get a reading. I went to the Nurse's station and asked if someone could check the cuff...I was sure it had been moved somehow the last time they turned her on her side. The Nurse said her heart rate was in the 90's and her breaths were 20-21 per minute. So, I went back in the room and updated my Mom and Cioci Sharon (both holding her hands), and said I was going to lay down for a while. Not even 10 minutes later, Tom (who had been lurking for most of the day but not all of it) shook my leg and told me her heart rate had dropped and he was going to get Melissa. I ran in the room, and the monitors were all back on. Her heart rate was dropping fast. 68, 67, 66, 65, back up to 68, down to 59, then down, down, down. Cioci Sharon and Mom were holding her hands, I was rubbing her leg over the blanket, her best friend was at her feet. Mom told her, "When you see Mommy and Daddy, go to them.". I took a deep breath and put my head down to cry. Her heartrate went to 0 for just a few seconds, then jumped back up into the 30's and down again, number by number. I prayed Melissa would get there in time. The Nurse came in and said that it would be a matter of minutes. It was happening so fast. Down, down the numbers went. I watched the monitor, I watched her face, I watched her breathing. As the numbers got lower and lower, I focused on only watching her breathing. I watched as she breathed in, and knew it was her last breath. I looked at the monitor...her heartrate was 0 and she was gone. At approximately 4:25am on May 18th, 2009, Denise Marie Dombrowski Wolfe died. She was only 50 years old. She went out with grace, she was in absolutely no pain, and she fought up until the last second. We held her, we cried, we sobbed...we didn't want to let go or leave that room. Melissa ran in just a few minutes later, and completely broke down. It was absolutely the most heartbreaking thing I've ever seen. I regret that I couldn't be of more help to Melissa during the day, but the fact is that every time I saw her crying I would burst out into tears myself, thinking about what it's going to be like to have to let my Mom go someday. We got home, went to sleep, and I tried to wrap my head around what I had just seen and what had just happened.

I had never seen someone die before. I have to say that when a friend of a friend's Dad died a while ago, he wrote the most beautiful blog ever and described the whole process from beginning to end. I looked it up and read it again before we left for NY (just in case...), and it ended up being the best thing I could have done. I remembered how he wrote about Terminal Agitation (Cioci Denise fiddling with her tubes and not being able to get comfortable), and I was able to recognize it when it happened. I took a few tips about pictures and how to keep yourself from falling apart. Not everyone dies the same, but the mechanics stay pretty consistant, at least in this case. That blog helped me TREMENDOUSLY.

The next couple of days are a blur. Things needed to be done. And since I wasn't her Sister, Daughter, or best friend (only a lowly Niece)...I took it upon myself to make sure everyone was comforted, fed, and that phone calls were being made. Sober was not an option...if I had been sober I would have been an absolute disaster. I kept myself happy and motivated enough to do what I needed to do for my family (Melissa and I found her Mom's pot, LOL!). I do not deal with stress well, and this was no exception. I stayed out of Cioci Sharon's way...she has a peculiar way of dealing with stress and it involves lashing out at anything or anyone that crosses her. I have never heard a Nun use the Lord's name in vain so many times! As for me...between the stress of driving and trying to help everyone else, the shock of her dying so soon, the heartbreak of Justin meeting someone else (I'll get to that later), and the expense of rescheduling my trip to CA, I was in over my head. I was seriously feeling like I was gonna lose my mind, and I'm so glad I didn't/haven't.

Now, about funerals. I have never really identified with the Catholic Church. I have my own concept of God, and it works for me. My Mom's side of the family are all Catholic. Cioci Sharon is a Nun. Things are different with Catholics...they just LOVE to have ceremonies and draw out the pain of a death. We had a 4 hour long Wake for her...and of course we had to stay the whole time. We had a Catholic Mass Funeral...and of course I have no knowledge of any of the hymns or what to say when. I can't accept communion, so I couldn't even go through the motions. I kneeled when I was told, stood, sat, etc. I didn't cross myself, and my Mom asked me why (as if she didn't know I'm not Catholic!). I did a reading, and didn't bow at the altar (I didn't know I was supposed to!!) much to the chagrin of the gaggle of Nuns that had come from all over the place for the funeral and to support Cioci Sharon. Long story short...I'm not down for organized religion, and when I die I want a simple funeral with no Jesus involved and no long, drawn out agony for the people who love me. 1 day is enough, people. It wasn't even over with the funeral, but I'll get to that later. Damn Catholics, LOL!

So...I had a trip to CA planned that I had to move due to Cioci Denise's death. My main purpose for going was to see Justin's play. Luckily, it played for 2 weekends so I was able to go the next week. I drove home to Florence the 27-28th, spent a day in the house alone (Mom still in NY), and flew to CA the morning of the 29th (Maggie's birthday).

I should explain the Justin situation before I go any further. Justin met a girl, and let me tell you I was a MESS. He told me about it a few days after Cioci Denise died, and I was a disaster. (Let me just say that he was aware she died, but he was unaware that I *watched* her die and that she was my favorite Aunt.) I was feeling lousy about myself...he was talking about getting out of his situation (those of you who have followed my past blogs know what I'm talking about). A million emotions ran through me, most of which involved feeling like a complete idiot for leaving CA and even more of an idiot for falling in love with someone who could possibly NEVER be completely emotionally available to me. Livid was the word, too. I tried to hold my head up high and get over it, but I was in a lot of pain. The day I was in KY before I left, he wrote some Facebook status about how she reminded him how much he loved "RENT" and how he now identified with Roger and may have found his Mimi...and I went apeshit. I had always compared our relationship to Roger and Mimi. He, the one who was telling me to go away because he knew he could never be mine, and me coming into his life again and again, enchanting him and helping him have fun again. I thought of myself as the one who helped him feel alive again. Literally hyperventilating and sobbing, I emailed him to let him know that he hurt me and asked him if he thought I should come because I had been getting the feeling he didn't care if I came or not. I called Expedia to see how much money I would lose if I cancelled my reservation. I got off the phone and tried to calm down enough to think logically, when he emailed me again (this is 2-3 emails later between the two of us) and told me that he wanted me to come. I was convinced that I may as well commit emotional suicide...this was going to HURT big time and I didn't really feel like watching the man I love flirt with someone else (even if he didn't mean to). But, as I am a co-dependent idiot, I decided to go. The fact is...he moved on. I moved to KY, and he moved on. He may have never been able to commit to me, and he may have never WANTED to. So I needed to get over that shit. But, although I was working on the whole "falling out of love" thing, I wasn't quite ready for him to move on and I was DEFINITELY not in a place to hear about it. EVERYONE told me to cancel the trip. I didn't listen, though. And in the end...I'm actually really glad I went.

I flew in on the morning of the 29th, and Kidd picked me up from the Airport. Kidd and I are perfect examples of how exes can be friends. We went for breakfast, and had a great time. We will ALWAYS be friends...we love each other deeply but in a relationship, it's just no good. I went to Dad's and hung out for a while, and then headed down to see Justin's play. While I was getting ready, all I could think of was how I had to look HOT and make him regret that he ever moved on. As the day went on, though, I realized that I was going to see his play. This was his moment, after 7 years of not acting. He was my friend, I loved him, and I was there to support him. We weren't going to hook up while I was there...this was purely friendly. So I changed my attitude around and decided that I was going to have fun no matter what. I really enjoyed the play...I was (and still am!) so proud of him for taking that step. I encouraged him to audition, and there he was on-stage singing and dancing!!! We met up afterwards and a few of us (Justin, his friend from the play and her friend) went out for drinks. As we were walking into the place, Justin's friend suggested that he call the new girl so she could come down. I panicked a little, but knew I was stuck (Justin drove me) and I would have to make the best of it. Of course, Justin and this girl hadn't shared more than a hug. Let's just say she had more self-restraint and self-respect than I did when I met him. ;-) So I wasn't worried about them making out in front of me or making me uncomfortable. To be honest...I liked her. She was quiet, and I was scared shitless of saying the wrong thing or making some comment that insinuated that Justin and I had EVER been together...but I didn't. I will not sabotage him or his happiness ever again, like I have in the past. I had 3 drinks and was pretty buzzed (I NEVER drink, so this was major, LOL!), so I came off as typical Jen. Loud, funny, a bit shy, and singing and dancing at random. I had a great time...we all did! I really like Justin's friend from the play (whom I was convinced I would hate because she's "replacing" me), her friend whom I had just met, and even the new girl whom I was convinced I would hate because *she's* "replacing" me. Justin and I talked a lot both at the table while the others weren't listening and in the car on the way home...and we just want to be friends. I love having him in my life, I really do! He's an amazing friend and an amazing person. I feel like I know him inside and out, and I feel like I've told him enough about my life and my past so that he knows me. I can't just let that friendship go away. Don't get me wrong...I love him and I always will. He said the same about me. But for now...we're better off as friends. If fate should see fit to bring us together, it will happen. As of today, I am easily (but slowly and sometimes painfully) falling out of love with him so that we can be friends.

Blahbity blahbity blah...the Saturday after the play was boring. :-) Sunday, though, was awesome!!!! Elise and Lenny picked me up, we drove to Reseda so Elise and I could have yummy sushi, and Elise drew and then tattooed the most beautiful tattoo EVER on me!! My tattoo is the most amazing thing ever. And the fact that it was done by Elise just makes it 1000000 times better. It's gorgeous...I'll let it speak for itself in the picture above. I can't wait to get it colored!!!! She's such a good friend to me, even when I'm crazy. I swear...I never thought that something drawn on my body could mean so much to me. I had fluctuated between getting a small tattoo on the nape of my neck or some cherry blossoms on my calf. When I saw that she had just done cherry blossoms on someone else's leg, I decided on a lotus. BFF Sarah suggested a bird. I told Elise I wanted a swallow or hummingbird drinking out of a lotus, and she said that she had seen a tattoo kinda like that...except the hummingbird had a long, phoenix-like tail. When she showed me the picture, I totally fell in love with it and knew it was perfect. She drew it up, and I now have a massive, beautiful tattoo. It hurt like a bitch, way more than my piddly little ankle tattoo! I dread the pain of getting it colored in, but I know it will be spectacular so it will be totally worth it. Mom doesn't want to see it, LOL! But I know that when she does see it, she'll think it's beautiful too. Fortunately she's not computer-savvy and will never know that my tattoo was done on Elise's couch, LOL! As a former Nurse (someone who loves to lecture on bloodborne pathogens) she would find that a less than stellar life choice even though everything was cleaner than clean. She's just old school...I'll let her stay that way. ;-)

Elise dropped me off at the airport on Monday the 1st and I flew back to KY. I did exactly what I set out to do on that trip, which was to relax and have fun. Things couldn't have gone better between Justin and I (considering the circumstances) and my Dad and I didn't argue once. There were a lot of people that I didn't get to see, and I feel really bad. It was such a short visit, and I promise the next one will be longer. It's nice to know that there are people in CA who really love me and want to see me. Anyhoo, I got home and called Mom, and she said she wanted to stay for another week after I got there. I flipped...I really didn't feel there was any way I could handle being gone from home for another week. Too much had happened, I was tired and had been either completely stressed or traveling for the past 2 weeks. I worked my ass off trying to put things together at home on Tuesday morning/afternoon, then headed to BFF Sarah's to unwind and finish my first knitting project. Arg, I just realized I forgot to put up a picture!! :-( Unfortunately, I don't have the hang of Blogger yet and I'm not sure how to add a picture to the bottom of the stack on top or how to put them in the middle...so you're just gonna have to take my word for it. I finished the damn hat!!! LOL! I'm super, super proud of myself. I can't wait to start making something else.

I left for Utica again on Wednesday, in a new rental car. I got to see my Brother Mike (he wasn't able to make it to the funeral) and my Nieces (I can't tell you how bad I needed those hugs...) because they took me to get the car, so I was kinda re-energized by that. I got to Utica on Thursday. As an update on the Justin saga, he moved out of his place on Thursday and into a new apartment on his own. I cursed myself for being out of CA (for several reasons) but I am SO much more than happy for him and I'm over it now. Friday was Cioci Denise's burial. Remember the thing about Catholics and drawing out pain?? Okay, just checking. Enough with the pain, folks. Mom, Melissa and I all wore tie-dye to the burial. Cioci Denise would have loved it. BTW, the reason the burial was a week after the funeral is because she was cremated. The rest of my time in Utica was spent taking care of Mom, eating the best Polish food and Italian pastries Central NY has to offer and spending time with my family. It was nice. It wasn't so bad that I ended up having to stay another week. Mom and I left NY again yesterday, and arrived this evening FINALLY. It's soooooo good to be home. I get to relax! It hasn't even really hit me yet that I don't have to travel anywhere for a while. I'm going to the lake with BFF Sarah and her parents on Monday and Tuesday, and then I'm done. Relaxation! OMG! I get to sleep in my bed! YAY!!!

I guess that's all for now. Anyone who reads all of this better leave a fucking comment because I've been writing this since 10:00 last night and it's now almost 3am. :-)