Life goes on...

Things have been relatively okay. I'm getting through the days at work...I didn't realize when I first started working there how complicated this job really is. It's a challenge every day, and you have to be not only very smart but very quick to adapt. I can honestly say that I don't have a single "dumb" coworker. For the first time in my life, LOL! Not as far as I've seen, anyway. It's nice to be around equals...people who enjoy learning and solving problems. My coworkers are fantastic, they're 80% nerds and I love the hell out of them.

Things are still kinda up in the air for me in the love department. Rob is MIA from my life right now, Kari is very distant, and to be honest it hurts me more NOT to hear from them. But I guess I've learned my lesson. I'm officially back on the dating market...some flirting on okcupid feels good. :-) One thing I still believe...I still believe in love. And I sincerely believe that because I am a good person I will find it. The people around me have always told me that it WILL happen, and I'm really trying hard to believe that. I'm not going to stop dating...I like it too much. I'm just going to take the butterflies and leave the tears--a whole new outlook.

Things at home have been okay...Mom got a spinal epidural and she's still been having a lot of pain. This has been really disheartening to both of us but her doctor wants her to keep trying. The good news is that she hasn't been having any of the "electrical" (as she puts it) pain in her feet/ankles but rather the "full-leg asscramp" (as I put it). Everyone has had an asscramp. If you haven't, I hope you never do. :-P But she says it's like she's having that kind of pain, and it's running down her leg. I guess I've never really described Mom's pain to this degree, but it's something that's constantly there. It's as much a part of our daily lives as my job is. Anyway, hopefully that will become a thing of the past as she continues to get these spinal blocks.

All in all, I'm just living life. I'm having a great day off...I got to sleep in until noon!!!!!! Then I went shopping at Target and Remke's and over to Sarah's for a couple of episodes of Battlestar Gallactica. I'm absolutely loving that show. Mom made an awesome spinach salad with grilled chicken and pineapple-habenero dressing for dinner...it was so good I wanted to lick my plate. Tomorrow is Evelyn's 7th birthday! I'm so glad I get to be around for stuff like this. I do have to work tomorrow, but at least I'll get to see her for a bit before I leave. And of course my birthday is coming up, and of course I'm already really excited about it. LOL! I am trying to remind myself that I should not be more excited about my birthday than Evelyn is about hers, and that it's still 2 weeks away. What I want more than anything for my birthday is money towards a decent computer. I found a computer I want that is under $500, so I'm watching every penny and hoping Mom will have mercy on me, LOL! I've been using her laptop for about 9 months now, and I'm sure she would really like it back. I've indicated that I might be holding the computer hostage until I get my Dell, so hopefully she'll take that as a sign that she should contribute freely. :-P

Every time I have a bad day, a day when I feel like life is fucking me over--I go to Los Angeles craigslist and see what Justin is up to. His antics on there (mainly the posts begging for a male fuck-buddy) help me realize that I was way more miserable then, and especially how much I've changed. I feel sorry for his girlfriend, but I just have to shake my head and remember that there are a million guys out there doing the exact same thing. And a million other girls who turn their heads the other way in the name of love. If there's one thing I'm proud of it's that I will NEVER be that girl again. :-)

Struggling.

I can't really say everything is great, but it doesn't suck either.

A lot has happened since I blogged last. Rob broke up with Kari, we all made up and are friends again...I just can't get the sick feeling out of my stomach. This is just a reminder to myself that I have absolutely nothing to do with their relationship and I have my own shit to get up and do. I just can't stop thinking about all of this for the past couple of days and I've reached my breaking point. If he ignores me, I'm sad. If he talks to me, I miss him. If I see her, I'm wondering. Tonight, I'm wondering. I let my mind go and it immediately starts wondering what he's doing tonight...knowing more than likely that he's with her.

Sometimes it hurts much more than I'd like to admit. Granted, I have bounced back beautifully from this. I feel good about myself and I know that I didn't do anything wrong. I realize that the fault is all his, and I realize that we aren't getting back together. I don't know what I need right now...someone to tell me how beautiful and worthy of love I am? It's been another rough week...between work, PMS and all of the Rob/Kari thoughts I'm having a difficult time functioning.

I really hope the weekends get easier as time goes on. I have to stop this madness.

Too good to be true...indeed.

The last time I posted, everything was peaches n' cream. At that point, I had a guy in my life who adored me, at least 1 good friend at work (his ex), my best friend was about to get married to the love of her life...everything was great. It stayed great up until a few days ago, which I'll get to in a minute. That being said, please be advised that this post may contain angry rambling, abuse of caps lock, heavy use of exclamation points, and probably a lot of stuff that I'll realize later I shouldn't have said. We'll start with the good stuff...

I have to start by saying that Sarah's wedding was awesome!!! It was a great (although kinda hot) day, and everyone had so much fun. Sarah and I looked incredible...we had the best team ever (Wardrobe-Vickie/Joy, Hair-Misti/Amanda, Nails-Amanda) and they had us looking SMOKIN'!! Rob and the kids came, and we all had a blast. I feel so lucky to have a best friend in this life...I am overjoyed that my best friend found such a great guy to spend her life with. I believe in them and their relationship. Erik helps me believe that someone can get fucked over multiple times by multiple people and still find someone who loves them back. They are an incredible couple and I can't wait to see what's in store for them.

I simply can't get through this post without giving Joy and Ted a paragraph of their own. They were both so helpful with the wedding and I am overwhelmed by their generosity! Joy altered our dresses (and did a great job!), made Sarah's garters, made an embroidered table runner AND an embroidered blanket, and hosted Sarah's bachelorette party in STYLE!!! Not to mention the bazillion other little things she did for us. Sarah was thrilled that they came to the wedding and they had a great time, I think! Sarah's mom really likes Joy and I need to get off my ass and get over there so I can have them exchange numbers. Anyway...Joy and Ted rock. Big time.

The job is going well. I am still rocking my stats and I haven't gone nuts yet, although I'm sure it's coming.

Now, about Rob. We started talking April 4th, and it ended May 31st. Every single day of that relationship was ROSES. As everyone knows, we were introduced by his ex wife Kari (who I work with), and Kari and I were friends. I met the kids and they adored me...latched on to me right away. Rob and I were nuts about each other. Every night, he would come home from work and call me. We would talk for a few hours, play Magic Online, and end our call by blowing kisses. Thursday nights, I would go over to his place after work. We would hang out, cook for each other, play Magic, have stellar sex and fall asleep in each others arms. Friday morning I would wake up in his arms, we'd hang out for a while and I'd leave. When we had the chance, I'd get to hang out with him and the kids during the weekend. We were affectionate towards each other, we liked each others brains, we had similar goals and interests, we had incredible sex...all of the chemistry was there and we were both very happy. The happiest, healthiest relationship I've ever had.

Kari and I were work buddies...with a twist. I thought she was nuts when she offered to hook me up with her ex, but I trusted her intentions were good. She was cool with the fact that the kids liked me. Although there was some mild underlying tension (understandable given the fact that I was fucking her still-legally husband...) between the two of us I was confident that I had an ally. I never minded his friendship with Kari--I honestly believed that their relationship was dead and gone. She cheated on him, got pregnant with someone else's baby, left Rob and took the kids to GA. He had his faults too, but that's the straw that broke the camel's back. Those facts combined with the fact that SHE'S THE ONE WHO HOOKED US UP led me to believe that I had absolutely nothing to worry about when it came to the two of them.

Here's where I cut to the chase, and I'm afraid things might get ugly so bear with me. Last Thursday, Rob and I had our normal routine. It was truly a great night...I really enjoyed his company. We talked on the phone Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights as usual, but he was off on Monday for Memorial Day. I called him on my lunch Monday and we talked about this game he was gonna get on gamefly that I wanted to play, and I told him I'd call him after work. Now, Rob was on a bit of a bender...he started drinking Sunday night and I don't think he stopped until...shit...I don't know if he HAS stopped yet. Anyway, I called him after work and he half-heartedly answered the phone. I knew something was wrong, asked him what it was and he said he would need to talk to me in person. My heart dropped. I went over to his place and he gave me a speal about how he doesn't know if he could ever fall in love with me...and you know where this is going. I started to cry, asked him if he was going to sober up and realize that this wasn't what he wanted and he said no...that he had been thinking about it and that it was the right decision for him. I left in tears (as it began to rain...poetic...LOL) and basically cried myself to sleep. It was so bad my left eyelid was stuck to itself when I woke up in the morning. I put on a happy face and went to work Tuesday. Kari hugged me and said she was sorry that he broke up with me...that she didn't see it coming...that he told her I was the perfect girlfriend and had done nothing wrong. Yesterday (Wednesday), Kari and I had a long talk in the parking lot where she told me that I was still free to see the kids. Rob told her that he basically just wanted to be a bachelor after having been married for so long. I went home and was feeling mostly ok compared to how I had been feeling. I was confident that I hadn't done anything wrong...that I had indeed been the perfect girlfriend in every way and that I had done nothing to cause this. Both of them assured me that they were not in love with the other and that their relationship had nothing to do with it. This was all on him, he had some issues to work through and I just had to deal with it. No problem...I've hurt worse before. I talked to Elise for a while and she put things in perspective for me (and almost prophetically so) by explaining that it takes a lot of time to get over a marriage, and sometimes people get caught in the crossfire.

I woke up this morning feeling alright. I got up early, took a shower, smoked a bowl and checked facebook. What I saw there stunned me. "Rob Sloan is married to KariAnn Sloan". Rob posted some status about how he loved his wife and didn't realize it...Kari posted a status about how she got her ass handed to her in Magic Online...I began to hyperventilate...I ran off to work. Too early. I wasn't even supposed to be there until 12:30 but I left at 11:30 just HOPING that Kari would show up and see the look on my face. I cried all the way to work, called Rob and left him a scathing/incoherent message, called Sarah (who tried to calm me down unsuccessfully), explained the situation to our coworker friend Breanna while Kari was making her way over to me. She came over, sat down and put her hand on my arm. I turned to her and told her that I had absolutely no interest in speaking with her right now (while fighting back tears) and she walked away. I was pissed the fuck off because I deserved more than to hear of this via facebook...some common courtesy would have been nice in waiting until Kari had the chance to talk to me at work. I cried all day on the phones at work, and finally confronted Kari. I told her that I was pissed off about finding out that way. I told her that she shouldn't have hooked us up if she knew she still had feelings for him. I told her how much she hurt me. She apologized, saying that Rob changed his relationship status in the middle of the night and she didn't know (although she accepted it and "liked" his gushy fucking status update). She said that she never meant for things to end this way...I told her that she lost a friend. I ended up leaving work early...I just couldn't hold it together. I went over to Sarah's and had a field day with their punching bag and a stick. I used the thing like a bat and beat the hell out of the bag until tears were streaming down my face and I couldn't breathe anymore. It's over. I've given my Magic cards away to Rob's friend Andy, I've removed both Kari and Rob from any/all friends lists, I'm DONE.

Here's the part where I beat myself up, get depressed and feel sorry for myself. Do feel free to skip this paragraph if you are tired of my drivel. I am so far beyond hurt right now. I am tired of being the girl who helps men realize how much in love they are with SOMEONE ELSE. I am tired of getting to know people, letting them into my life, and getting dumped on. I deserve to be loved. I deserve it because I am a good person. I deserve it because I spend so much energy and love on the people around me. I deserve it because I have been shit on one too many times. Anyone who knows me is going to read this and think "What the FUCK?!?!?! AGAIN?!?!". Because they KNOW! Those who truly love me and know me know that I do not deserve this bullshit in my life. I'm honestly not sure whether I should just give up now or whether there's something bigger for me out there. It's hard to believe that there's something bigger for me out there...I have a laundry list of men who have dragged me through the mud. A laundry list of women who have betrayed me. I now have 2 "threepeats"...I have been saying that I'll never date another Mike because of my history. 3 Mikes and you're out. I now have my 3 Robs...Hoppenjans, Miserendino and Sloan. Sounds like a law firm. I am so done.

I will figure this out...I will be a big girl and I will put on a happy face. I will be cordial to Kari at work. I will leave Rob alone and not stalk him like I'm known to do, LOL. I just want both of them out of my life so I can start over. I can't think about the kids...I'll cry. I do wish them luck. I fear that history will repeat itself and Kari will fuck him over once again. But I guess that's really none of my business...I just want a change. I don't ever want to go through this bullshit again. I'm sure I'll get my feelings hurt again before I find the One...I refuse to let this take control of my life or my emotions. I will get over this in the most healthy way possible. I will come out better on the other side. And maybe someday I'll get what I actually deserve...which is a guy who can't see himself with anyone but me.

MishMash

As I write this, I'm sitting in Rob's living room in my sleeping clothes. Connected with my laptop, drinking coffee, smoking a cigarette, occasionally looking over to see what he's doing on his online game. The conversation only stops long enough for me to type a sentence or for him to kill whatever enemy he's working on at the time.

I can't remember being this comfortable with a member of the opposite sex...EVER. My makeup wore off long ago, my hair is a mess and I haven't yet brushed my teeth. But I'm okay. Secure. And most importantly...happy. Rather than waiting for the bottom to drop out and expecting to find myself miserable in a short period of time, I'm enjoying every day and every experience as it comes. I've stopped being skeptical (for the most part) and settled into my role as the girlfriend of this great guy who adores me. He met Sarah last week, and I am meeting his kids today. I was nervous as hell about meeting them, but Kari gave me explicit written permission (LOL--for real!) and all is well with the world. I just hope things keep going the way they are, because I fall for him a little more each day and can't wait to see what's in store for us.

Everything is good. I'm kicking ass and taking names at work (7 surveys @ 100%)...I am a customer service ninja and at least I'm getting partially recognized for it. I'm already planting the seed in my boss' head that I want to go home and do telecommute...we'll see how that works out. It looks like I'll have to be in this position for at least 3 more months before I can transfer anywhere. I love my coworkers...overall I feel like a very lucky girl.

I finally got to go to my first real LAN party!!! JRX was amazing...even better than I expected! I was able to hang out there last week on Friday and Saturday nights and I had such a great time. I was expecting it to be really crowded and I figured I'd be at least a little uncomfortable (especially if Grommon would have showed up--thank god he didn't...). But it was a TON of fun. Sarah, Erik, Karen and Than are some of the best friends I could ask for, and I get more comfortable around my acquaintances every time I see them. I spent most of my time there knitting with Sarah and Karen or hanging out in "the office". I've been knitting myself a pair of socks and I just started on the heel flap of the first one last night. I've been able to knit at my desk at work, so this sock has been FLYING off the needles! Moar knitz plz! Damn life is dandy.

I realize I didn't know Julie all that well before I started helping her, but I miss her so damn much I can't stand it sometimes. Since she died, her brother Joe and his wife Angel had a baby boy named Jackson. Her sister Amber and her husband Alan had a baby girl named Ava. They're now 2 months and 2 weeks old, respectively. I went to Joy and Ted's a couple of days ago and was lucky enough to be able to hold both of them. Besides my normal "squee!" reaction, there was an underlying sadness knowing that Julie should be here. I have been so lucky to be "adopted" by her family and be accepted and loved by them. I have adopted them right back. Not a day goes by that I don't think about Julie, and I wish I could share my happiness and my day-to-day life with her. She would be so happy for me...I can see that smile of hers and it makes me feel better. "I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. But still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend." Truer words were never spoken.

Silly me.

I just realized something really terrible...I forgot to mention that my dad just had open heart surgery! I didn't write about it in the first place because I didn't want to jinx it but he had a quadruple bypass done on the 4th and is now home and doing fantastic. He quit smoking a week before his surgery, after about 40 years of smoking. I hope he continues to take care of himself and stays with us a while. Anyway, I thought it was important and I felt bad about not saying anything in my blog so...

Here's hoping history doesn't repeat itself and I can take better care of myself than my parents have. There are a lot of lessons to be learned from this--I definitely see it. I was terrified inside that my dad wouldn't make it through the surgery, and realistically so. He has officially shocked everyone. I need to quit smoking--for good. I don't know when, and I definitely don't know how, but I'm going to do it. I have a not-so-great family history when it comes to things like heart disease...I'm 28 years old and I need to start taking action NOW.

Weird and wonderful week.

Things have been, to say the least, fantastic. Where to begin?

I started my new job with Convergys on March 13th and it's been okay so far. I'm getting a lot of technical knowledge that I didn't have before and meeting some cool people along the way. Training was difficult, transition was touch-and-go, but I'm pretty prepared for my first day on the phones alone tomorrow. While I still have some conflicts about working for an outsourcing company, I know I "gotta do what I gotta do" right now in this crappy economy. I was pretty mad because during our 2nd week of training, we were told that there is going to be a class for the telecommute position. I can't transfer out of my department for 6 months, so I was pretty fired up and ready to leave for good one day. But I got my wits about me and realized that I really need the money. Ever since then, I'm just rolling with the punches as they come, and deflecting whatever might be thrown at me.

Spring is officially here! This makes me incredibly happy. I've spent all winter in a state of perpetual funk, never feeling quite right. Now the sun is out, the birds are singing and happy little squirrels are crossing my path. The warmer weather is helping things a lot. It's been unfortunate that I've been working 12-8:30 and haven't had the opportunity to get out and enjoy it! I wanted to get out and play some disc golf today but it didn't work out. Oh well...there's always next weekend and MAYBE someday I'll get my ass up early enough on a workday to play! Anyway, I just wanted to pay homage to Spring for a minute because things are looking up. ;-) I also celebrated a very important milestone...my 1 year anniversary of living in KY! Looking back a year ago, I wonder how I ever doubted that KY was the place for me. I have changed so much (and for the better!) since I've been back and I'm genuinely happy. I have no regrets, other than the fact that I can't have all of my CA friends here with me. And my dad. BTW, Dad had a quadruple bypass on the 8th and is doing very well. Hopefully he'll change his ways a little and stay on this planet a while. Everything is going so fantastically, I feel like I'm in some kind of alternate reality. Much of this is being caused by the situation in the next paragraph...

I met someone. Someone kinda incredible, who I'm kinda smitten over. And he is kinda smitten over me too. This is odd for me, so please bear with me. His name is Rob, and we were introduced via his ex wife Kari who is my coworker. Kari heard me speak of a date that I didn't want to go on (and the reasons why I didn't want to go) and she suggested that I look up her ex on facebook. They are good friends (as they have kids together) and she said she just wanted him to be happy. Apparently she thought I was the kind of girl that could make him happy, and he was the kind of guy that I'm looking for. I decided to wait a few days to send him a friend request on facebook, but he added me first. We exchanged a bunch of emails and by the end of the day (Easter, the 4th) I was sure I had to give him my number. He called, and we talked for an hour and a half. I went to bed with a smile on my face, and woke up several times through the night saying "there's no way this guy is real...". I then woke up with a smile on my face and we continued the pattern the next day. Except the next night it was 3 hours on the phone, and we made a date. Then 4...then 5...then 6... We met up on Wed the 7th for possibly one of the best dates I've ever had. It wasn't the place (Steak and Shake, and about an hour walking through Meijer LOL) or what we did...it was the company. There's something really great about walking into a first date feeling like you already kinda know the person. Or at least you know them well enough to feel so comfortable. We met up again last night so he could teach me to play Magic (yes, that's right...geek of my dreams LOL) and hang out. I was officially taken off of the market as of yesterday. :-) I'm having a hard time talking about it because honestly...I'm scared of messing it up. I like him a LOT. And the fact that he likes me just as much as I like him scares the shit out of me. We are equally and healthily captivated by each other. I could begin to name all of the things I like about him and all of the similarities that we have that make us SOOOOOOOOOOO freakin compatible, but it's midnight at this point and I have to get to bed soon. Just let me say that I have a whole new feeling inside. :-)

Sarah's wedding is getting closer and closer!!! I am going to need to keep a calendar handy over the next month or so. Every day is jam-packed. I'll try to blog and at least keep things updated...I know I've been slacking lately!

Truth?

The truth is, I don't know how much more I can handle when it comes to the opposite sex. I am tired of being dragged through the mud and lied to. It has been proven to me a few times that even "nice guys" are capable of being soul-sucking assholes. I cannot censor myself anymore, and REFUSE to censor myself anymore.

I have never expected love to just fall into my lap. I understand that it's difficult and the older you get, the harder it gets to find someone you're compatible with. What I want is to get to know someone. Not based on looks, but based on personality and shared interests. I continue to talk to different guys and give them chances. And if I weren't so afraid of these guys finding/reading my blog, I would have been talking about it from the beginning. But at this point, I can't hold it in anymore and I have got to write about how incredibly frustrated and disappointed I am.

I think I'm pretty realistic. I have a clear understanding of where I am on the "pretty/ugly scale", and I'd put myself just slightly above average. Internally, I know that I am one of the most beautiful people most people will have a chance to meet. A man I used to know say that I was 200 lbs, and 190 of that is all heart. I have a million awesome qualities that would make me a great mate. Of course I have faults too--my neediness and sensitivity are probably my biggest.

I'm not shooting for the moon when it comes to men. I'm realistic about what kind of guy I want, what kind of guy I'm compatible with, and what kind of guy I'm attracted to. I'm not expecting a Calvin Klein underwear model to come knocking at my door. All I'm asking for is a cuddly, dorky, fun and responsible guy. A "nice guy". I have been making better choices when it comes to who I'll date and what kind of dates we have...there's just one problem.

Nobody is giving me a motherfucking chance.

"Nice guys" complain all the time that nobody wants them, or that "nice guys finish last". Well, I just want to say that the statement "nice guys finish last" is complete and utter BULLSHIT. Grommon lied to me about even being friends--it was a really nice act he put on the night we broke up though. He ignores me at every given opportunity, and has made no effort whatsoever to remain a friend of mine. I went out with a guy from OkCupid a few weeks ago--we'd been emailing for a month and texting for a couple of weeks. Things were going really well--I actually had a little hope. We went out, and I thought we hit it off. I was POSITIVE there would be a second date. But he withdrew, without even telling me WTF the problem was. I started talking to another guy, and he dropped me because I didn't run to his side when he gave me 2 hours notice that he wanted to meet me for the first time. We had been emailing for a week and started texting on a Saturday night. We made a date for Monday, then he asked me if I wanted to grab a drink around 11 (it was 9). I said no because it was late, my car is dying/tags expired and it would be better to wait until Monday. Monday never came, as he never texted me again. There was another guy I'd been talking to since the middle of January--we hadn't met but had a WHOLE LOT in common. I was really looking forward to meeting him. And he disappeared--again without a reason. So I have effectively wasted almost 2 months and all I've gotten is one date and a whole lot of frustration. It's fucking with my self-esteem. I have been nothing but honest with these guys in my emails/texts with them, my pictures are accurate and recent...I just can't figure out what's wrong with me. When a "nice guy" dumps you on your ass, and when it happens more than once in a 6 month period, you begin to believe that either there is something terribly wrong with you, or something terribly wrong with them. With Grommon, I understood that it was him. Now, I'm not so sure because every single action he has taken has proven otherwise than what he told me. Some "nice guy". With Mike (my date from okcupid and the last Mike I will EVER date), he was probably shallow. It just surprised me because he saw my pics, and they are accurate. Some "nice guy". With Nick (the 2-hour notice guy), I couldn't care less. I mean, really, he couldn't wait a DAY? Some "nice guy". With Josh (whom I never met but wasted my time emailing for a month and a half), I am the most disappointed because we were definitely the most compatible. And *poof*, he's gone. Still active on facebook, but hasn't returned my email. Some "nice guy".

I know that rejection is a part of dating. But I am tired of giving these guys chances and having them just back out with no reasons. Why would someone talk to me for so long (a month and a HALF!), add me to their facebook, talk about plans for getting together, then disappear??? I don't understand! I have mellowed out so much--I'm not expecting much here. All I'm asking for is a chance. I refuse to change who I am and become a bitch. I will never discriminate based on looks, especially not if I'm compatible with a person. If someone emails me on Okcupid and we're not compatible, I write them back and thank them for the email but let them know we're not compatible for whatever reason. NOBODY has extended me the same courtesy. I'm so sick and tired of being nice, only to get shit on by "nice" guys. The thing that bothers me the most is wasting so much time emailing these guys. I have purposely been leaving my options open...I never stopped talking to Josh even though I went out with Mike, and gave Mike the same courtesy even though I felt Josh and I were more compatible. I'm just fucking bummed that I spent so much time talking to them and neither of them gave me a shot.

For the last time, I am tired. I have gone through some major changes over the past year...I have re-evaluated who I am and what I want out of life. 10 years since I graduated high school and nothing I thought was going to happen has happened. All I ever wanted was a psychology degree, a husband, and children. I didn't even care if I had a JOB--as long as I had a formal education. I would have been happier staying home with the kids. I have officially decided that psychology is not for me--and that's something I've wanted to do since I was 13. I feel like I gave up my dream. I refuse to give up on the only other dreams I've ever had--having a husband and a family. I REFUSE. If I give up, I'll feel like I've failed at life. I'll have no dream to chase and no dream to live. But at the same time, I have to continue living my life for myself pretending that I'm going to be single forever. I need to find and make my own way. I need to save money so that maybe I can own a house someday--with or without a man. And if push comes to shove, you better believe I'll be adopting kids. I won't give up on those dreams, no matter what happens. Does anyone see my complete conflict here?????????? Does ANYONE get it?? I am so close to giving up on men it's frightening. Even to me. I have become bitter and skeptical and distrusting of the male species. It's been this way since November, and I can't shake it. I WANT to trust them. I don't want to be bitter. I hate this. But until a man proves himself trustworthy to me, I just can't do it! So basically my conflict is that I don't want to give up my dream, but the finding a mate part is hurting me way too much and I don't think I can do it anymore.

In other news, I am starting a different (not tele-commute) position with Convergys Monday. My orientation is Friday. I'm bummed that it's not a tele-commute position--apparently they're moving the tele-commute positions to WI so I was offered an agent position in-office. We'll see how it goes...I'm not really excited about working in a call center again but I gotta do what I gotta do. Anyway, this has gone on long enough and I'll be shocked if anyone is still reading this pathetic rant.

I HAVE A JOB!!!!

Mmmkay, so 2010 might not suck after all. It appears my unemployment days are over!

I filled out an application for a telecommute position with Convergys, thinking there was absolutely no way I was going to get the job. I have NO tech support experience, but I have a ton of call center experience and I'm a self-proclaimed customer service ninja. But Cincinnati Bell is having layoffs in their tech support dept right now so obviously the market is packed. I thought there was absolutely NO WAY I was going to get the job.

The position is pretty amazing. It's a telecommute position where I would work from home. I would spend 2 weeks training at the company, then I would be sent home with a computer, a phone and a headset. It's a split-shift schedule...the hours are 11-3, then 7-11. It provides benefits and 401k. Can you say "PERFECT JOB"?? I knew you could.

I could not have gotten through the interview process without Joy, Ted and Amber. I didn't even have a resume because it died with my old laptop and I don't have Word or a printer here at home. So Joy and Ted let me use their computer and printer and POOF! I had a resume! I found a pair of pants that fit (they magically appeared in the entertainment room closet) and a pretty sweater (thanks Julie!) to wear, so I was totally prepared. I had to set 2 alarms to wake myself up at 8am, but made it there on time--after all, it's 10 minutes away!

Longest. Interview. Ever. But time FLEW! There was a paper test, followed by a few computer tests and a typing test. Then I went in for my interview. I don't normally interview very well. I'm usually redfaced and sweaty and bumbling over myself. But I was totally at ease because I knew there was no way I was going to get offered the job. I smiled and was friendly instead of being stiff and formal. We did the usual Q&A--"Tell me about a time when a customer made you so mad you wanted to stab a baby panda in the eye but you kept your cool and puckered your asshole and said 'I'm sorry for your trouble, Sir, let me see if I can help you with that'." (Wow, I'm fucking hilarious.) We did a role-playing exercise and I bumbled a little but collected myself. Afterwards, she said they had more interviews lined up but she wanted to see if she could give me an offer now rather than having to wait a week. OMG! I almost peed myself. I filled out all of the pre-employment paperwork and was sent on my way with drug testing paperwork. I went home, celebrated my brand-new employment by practically tap-dancing to the door, ate lunch and went to my drug test. Now, all I have to do is test my internet service and email the HR lady. BARRING DIVINE INTERVENTION, THIS JOB IS MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, I'm psyched. Here are a few reasons why!!! First of all, I'm working from home. No driving for 2 hours a day. No psycho coworkers. No dress code (my planned uniform for day 1 at home is longjohns and a fluffy robe. Maybe knee socks.). No non-smoking laws. There will be a bathroom 5 feet away. There will ALWAYS be a knitting project at the ready. I don't start work until 11am. I have time in the afternoon/evening to run errands or hang with my BFF. The money is good. I can give the finger to my computer screen without anyone looking over my back. They're providing a computer. I don't have to brave the rain/sleet/snow/ice or retarded drivers. I don't have to pay to eat lunch, I can just have my Mommy make me some. :-P If I get sick, I don't need to call in for fear of infecting my coworkers--I can just stuff a tissue up my nose and go about my day (while wearing my longjohns and robe).

The most important thing in all of this is I'm going to receive a serious geek orientation. I need this. To be honest, I don't know very much about how computers/teh interwebz work. *blushes* I just know that they work, and I know how to use them very well. Since this is going to be an internet tech support job, I'm going to need to learn this stuff. I passed all of the tests they gave me...2 of them were really hard and very technical, but would be kid stuff to any of my dear friends who have worked at Zoomtown. So, this is going to provide a really good opportunity to learn more about teh interwebz and computers. Just another skill I get to pack under my belt.

I am fully aware that in this economy, I have absolutely no business getting a job this awesome. I should have lost that job to someone from Zoomtown or someone with ANY tech support experience. I won the job based on my past job performance, personality and customer service record. I'm shocked and amazed, and so is my Mom. Shit, EVERYONE is probably shocked and amazed, and I'm sure a couple of people are pissed that they have more experience. But there are more positions available, as far as I know. Working at home is something I've wanted to do since I worked at Karrass...people would call in and have things sent to their "home office" addresses and I would be SOOOOOOO jealous! Somehow, I managed to land this. I guess it's about damn time something good happened, LOL! *knocks on wood* Anyway, I just wanted to shout from the rooftops that I landed the best job ever. I really hope it meets my expectations. I do realize that I will get frustrated. I will get frustrated with the customers, my internet connection, learning new software, not getting off work until 11pm, etc. But to be honest, the good FAR outweighs the bad in this situation. The freedom of working at home is priceless. I feel totally unworthy, but totally awesome at the same time! Part of me knows I deserve it, but I'm still kinda in shock. I have orientation Feb. 12th, and start training at the facility on the 15th. At-home virtual training starts March 1st, and I start my regular schedule on the 8th.

YAY, I HAVE A JOB!!!!!!!! Jen's year of unemployment is OVER!

My life blows.

I am 28 years old.
Jobless.
Single.
Childless.
Uninsured.
Living with my Mom.
...and about to be carless.

Life sure is fucking awesome. If I didn't know that it would destroy my mother and my best friend, I would just take my car and myself off of the nearest cliff.

2 days in a ROW???

I had the urge to blog again...I've been preoccupied with something all day. I guess the best way for me to relieve my stress is to get the feelings out. I'm working on using my blog therapeutically while still maintaining my own privacy and not revealing too much. I feel comfortable sharing about this part of my life because A)most people already know about it and B)it's just another part of my life that helped make me who I am.

A long, long time ago, I was quite the binge drinker. I also had a pesky prescription drug habit, which was becoming more like a monkey on my back. To get help, I sought the help of AA. I was 19 years old when I made my affiliation with AA--very young. I was brand-new in CA and had no friends. And I mean NO friends. I was slowly but surely welcomed into an amazing group of friends in AA. We started off as a small group of young people in AA (YPAA's for short) and we had a blast together. We hosted dances, went to dances, had movie/poker/spades nights, spent countless nights awake on energy drinks, went to conventions, counseled each other, helped each other stay sober, and never let an ounce of bullshit pass from anyone's lips. We were young, relatively wild, and honestly--as close as family. Over the years, the size of the group swelled and shrank. More people came in & out than I can count. I loved them all in my own special way. Deeply. I could write a paragraph about each of them. After 5 years of continuous sobriety, I still had a lot of doubts as to whether or not I was really an alcoholic. I was miserable all the time, didn't relate to anyone anymore, and I felt like I was outgrowing this group of friends. I made some major mistakes that I'll regret forever before eventually taking a drink in August of 2008.

Due to the mistakes that I made shortly before leaving AA, a lot of my friends turned their backs on me. I completely understand...I probably would have done the same thing. The only difference is that I would have taken the time to listen to the involved person...to get some perspective on why they did what they did. I am not a bad person--I never have been. I am a good person who is HUMAN and sometimes does bad things thinking that the greater good will somehow come out of it. What happened to me was a snowball effect which turned into a complete fucking avalanche. It may have even been forgiven over time. But since I made the decision to leave AA, I no longer had the main common ground I had with my friends before. I sought their forgiveness, and the answer was the same-get back in AA. Problem is--I don't NEED AA! I'm not an alcoholic, as over a year of average-Joe drinking has proven. I am a former binge drinker who used to have a pill addiction. The same 6-pack of beer has been sitting in my fridge since September, and it hasn't been touched. There are 2 unopened bottles of wine. When I drink, I usually have a couple of beers or mixed drinks over a few hours. And I can count on one hand the number of times I've been truly drunk over the past year. Everyone knows I'm a stoner--so what?!?! You'd be surprised how many "normal/average" people smoke that plant. Anyway, AA is more than just a way to stop drinking. It's a way of life--a life I lived from the ages of 19-26. It can be wonderful...I found a lot to be thankful for during that time. Most of all, I was thankful for my friends.

Today, I sometimes mourn those relationships. Especially the close ones. It's hard to express what kind of a loss it is to lose so many friends so quickly. I had known some of these people since the day I walked into my first meeting. They watched me grow and develop. Others, I got to watch grow and develop. We're talking YEARS of friendship and uncountable secrets. Incredible good times. For those that I knew 5+ years...those people were my backbone. One of them was the ringleader in making sure everyone's backs were turned against me. He was my former roommate and one of my closest friends. I can't tell you how much he hurt me with his insults and rallying of the troops to hate me. Another friend (my very best friend in CA, someone I loved so much I thought I was IN love with him...) passively watched as my character was assassinated, then dropped contact with me altogether. A few of my friends stood up for me, none kept in contact. But the people that truly mattered stuck with me through the rough times and are still my friends today. I was around AA for long enough (and especially YPAA) to know that it is highly political and hierarchical. The leaders will always be the leaders, unless they drink or die. YPAA is a huge popularity contest, and most are too afraid to speak up when something is wrong. For instance--there was a guy in our group of friends who was known for sleeping with newly sober (and sometimes underage) girls. Personally, I couldn't stand the guy. I never liked him, but tolerated him because he was a part of the group. I would have stuck my neck out for him if he needed it, but he was not a moral compass for me. However, he was one of the "popular kids" and nobody ever shamed him or turned their backs on him because of his behavior. There was another guy who was newer to the group (although sober longer) who did the same kinds of behavior and he was SEVERELY blackballed. I can name MANY instances of people making the same sort of mistake I did (it's very common, and no I'm not going to tell you) in AA--what was so different/special about what I did? There's a guy who did almost exactly the same thing I did--and he's still a well-respected and trusted member of the group. Even though I was ready to distance myself from the group as a whole (and had been doing so for a few months prior to my drinking), the hypocrisy of the group as a whole makes me never want to return. It's the people I miss, individually. Even the 2 guys who hurt me the most.

I guess it's just a part of growing up and learning lessons, but I've been thinking a lot about these people lately. They were my whole world at one point, and I wonder whether or not they ever miss me as much as I miss them. Are their stories about me good, or do they only talk about the bad things I did? I guess it's hard to tell good stories when you're left with bittersweet memories. My mistakes were at the group level, but it affected people individually and I have to accept that. I'm happy with my life outside of AA...I love it. In fact, I feel like I was holding myself back a lot when I was in AA. Sometimes I feel like those years could have been better spent on getting my education or finding a mate. But I would not trade my experiences for the world. Every experience, good or bad, has turned me into the woman I am today. 99% of the time, I love myself. So I can't look back anymore, mourning and wishing someone would reach out to me. Life has moved forward and so must I.