Well, things just aren't going so well right now. 2 major things come to mind, and I'll talk about my trip to NY in this entry too because it looks like I'm not going to sleep for a while.
First of all, I know it's been a while since I've updated. Things were going really well for Mike and me. I saw (and still see) long-term potential for us, and so did/does he. A whole lot of shit has happened...I went for a week to NY, he got sick (like, really sick), I got really super needy and he just wasn't able to give me the attention I needed. I understand that...I really do. Anyway, bad news from his Dr and he really needs to do some lifestyle changes. So...he's going to focus on getting better, and I'm back on the market as of our date last night. I'm sad. I feel like I've spent so much time rebuilding my karma and trying to be a better person overall, and I still can't seem to make a relationship last. I know I didn't do anything wrong. He made that really clear to me, and I knew in my heart anyway. One of my strengths is helping people feel better when they're ill, in showing real interest and compassion when they're hurting. I wish I could just ball up with him and stroke his hair and take care of him. It pisses me off that I'm not going to be able to do that. We're going to stay friends, and that's really good. I care about him a lot and I do want him in my life. He's not a dick. He never was. I'm just sad and thinking about the future right now depresses me. I feel like the most giant failure when it comes to relationships and I wonder if I will EVER find the person I'm supposed to be with in the long run. I fucking deserve it. I have so much LOVE in my heart. I see stupid fucking people every day who don't deserve the people they're with, who don't deserve kids, and who take it all for granted. It's not fair that someone like me has nowhere to funnel their love (I know that sounded ridiculous) and others are just able to snap their fingers and have a great life. Anyway, I'll shut up. Those of you who read this are very familiar with my struggles in the love department, and I'll spare you listening to my bitching and whining for the 300th time about how I'm gonna be single forever. :-)
More bad news. Julie isn't doing very well. I don't really know where to start with this. I went over there Friday, and here are my observations--She barely made eye contact and didn't smile the entire time I was there. This was SO upsetting to me because no matter how shitty she's feeling, you'll still get a smile out of her if you're funny enough. I fed her some ice chips with a spoon...she doesn't seem to be able to open her mouth all the way or she just doesn't want to. She apparently ate a bunch of chips (at least a dozen) when she was with her husband, and she had a couple of bites of chicken while I was there. She was leaning to the right a lot. Standing and walking are TOTALLY changed...she can't be pulled up by her arms anymore because her muscles are so tight. It takes 2 people to walk her anywhere--she's soooooo unbalanced it scares me. Her knees don't want to bend when she sits (that's been going on for a while though). She's lost a bunch of weight (I'd guess her to be 140...I could feel her hip bone when I was helping her walk...). I'm so very worried. Now, to Julie's credit, she was tired when I saw her. She had a bit of a busy day. So some of the walking issues and the leaning were probably caused by that. But there is definitely a big difference since the last time I'd seen her a week prior. Nobody knows how long Julie is going to be around. This disease she has is completely baffling. I hope that it's over for her before she suffers too much. I worry about her and her folks so much!
Went to NY, had a terrible time, thanks for asking! Mom just can't handle the car rides...we had 5 long car rides in 8 days. Needless to say, she's still recuperating. Long story short, we went to visit Cioci Sharon at the convent in Elma for a few days then went up to Utica for the rest of the trip. I've come to the understanding that Cioci Sharon just doesn't like me, and I guess that's okay. I really tried hard to be polite and helpful and quiet while I was there, and I feel like I was treated like Mom's cabbie. She didn't even say goodbye to me our last night there...she went and said goodbye to Mom and then blew right past me to go to bed. I was crushed--cried myself to sleep. As much as I love Maggie and Evelyn, I could NEVER treat them that way. I try really hard to be a good aunt, and it just so happens I'm naturally pretty good at it. I would have really appreciated a good TRY from her.
So there's my life right now. Everything is not so great. But I'm sure it'll get better...it has to. ;-) (Famous last words...)
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