Rough days and remembering Julie

Beautiful, carefree Julie.

My autographed Playbill

My poor, poor little car.

The last time I posted was Tuesday, it is now Saturday (happy Halloween/Samhain to all of you...). It feels like it's been a damn month. Here's what's been happening.

To tell you the truth, my entire life has been a blur and I have been reminded 3 times today that it's Saturday (I just had to check again to write it...). Tuesday, I slept until about 2:30pm after having been up all night with Julie/Joy/Ted/etc. I went to Sarah's where she picked up my fragile little pieces and put me back together with some good music and knitting. And lots of hugs from Jack, the best dog ever. She fixed my baby sock (the toe was jacked up) and when Erik came in he put it on his fingers and made a puppet. I couldn't have gotten through Tuesday without my Mom, Sarah, Jack (he totally deserves credit) and Erik. Thinking back to that day, I was a complete emotional wreck. Mom, Sarah and Erik all did their very best to cheer me up in their own special ways. The support that I got from EVERYONE was amazing...thank you so much!!!! I am so touched that people were concerned about me. Elise (whom I love more than I can say), Brianna (the most supportive sister ever), Jamie (who will listen to me rant and cry for hours)...I'm just so touched.

Wednesday, I had plans to go to Sarah's and do some baking for Joy and Ted while Mom cooked at home. But Beth Darnell, a girl I was in colorguard with and have known since 8th grade invited me to go see RENT!! I didn't know it was here in Cincinnati and was SOOOOOO excited because not only was it opening night, but Anthony Rapp and Adam Pascal (the original "Mark" and "Roger" from the Broadway series) are touring with this company and playing their original roles! Ever since RENT started on Broadway, the first 2 rows have always been cheapest. There is a lottery system, and if they call your number you can get 2 tickets in the first 2 rows for $20 apiece. The lines for lottery tickets are legendary. So Beth and I showed up at around 4pm (show was at 8) and we were 3rd and 4th in the lottery line! Beth's ticket got called so we got 2 tickets, and then the nicest lady offered to sell us one of her $20 tickets so Beth's fiance could come. Let me tell you...I was so excited!!! We saw Anthony Rapp while we were waiting for the lottery numbers to be called, and it all kinda hit me that I was going to be watching him LIVE! It was epic. Anyway, the show was incredible. Absolutely incredible. We were so close to the stage (2nd row center!!!!) that we could see that Adam Pascal was wearing mascara so thick it was clumped. Fo realz. We could see the sweat, and we could see when they spit a little when they sang. :-p The entire cast was great. Usually there is at least one actor in RENT that simply isn't right for the role. Every single person on that stage could act and sing their asses off. It was INCREDIBLE!!! After the show, we went to the stage door and got Anthony and Adam's autographs. EPIC! I cannot begin to tell you how powerful it was to be that close to these actors I admire playing their best roles.

I imagine most people who read my blog aren't big fans of RENT. But there is a scene where one of the characters dies and Mark is outside of the church after the funeral. The song is called "Halloween", because that was the day of the funeral. As Anthony Rapp sang, I sobbed...

How did we get here?
How the hell...
Pan left -- close on the steeple of the church
How did I get here?
How the hell...
Christmas.
Christmas Eve -- last year
How could a night so frozen be so scalding hot?
How can a morning this mild be so raw?
Why are entire years strewn
On the cutting room floor of memory...
When single frames from one magic night
Forever flicker in close-up
On the 3D Imax of my mind
That's poetic.
That's pathetic.
Why did Mimi knock on Roger's door?
And Collins choose that phone booth
Back where Angel set up his drums?
Why did Maureen's equipment break down?
Why am I the witness?
And when I capture it on film
Will it mean that it's the end
And I'm alone...

It's just so ironic that Christmas is when I decided to move back to KY. Today is Halloween, and Julie's graveside service. Watching that show and listening to the words of the music...it truly is amazing what a year (525,600 minutes) can bring. What kind of changes can happen. I am sooooo grateful to Beth for inviting me to see the show with her. I needed to get out, get some perspective, and have a good time. And I really, really did.

Thursday, Sarah and I baked pasties while my Mom made her world famous chicken enchiladas (dude, why didn't I move home sooner???) for Joy and Ted. When I went to drop them off, I was met with a surprise! One of Julie's best friends was a guy named Brady. It JUST SO HAPPENS that Brady was my assistant area coordinator (live-in resident advisor, but he was in charge of a few dorms) at EKU. He was the one I ran to when my roommate was about to move out. He was always so sweet to me. I had no idea that "Julie's Brady" was my Brady too, LOL! Anyway, Brady and Amber were both over there so I ended up sticking around and watching Survivor with everyone and chatting. Then Lora came, so I ended up staying even later. It was a really good night. Everyone is so sad about Julie and we miss her so much. But it's so much easier to deal with when there are other people around. I love hearing stories about her, and I've heard MANY over the past few days. Julie would not have wanted us to sit around and cry and be miserable. Julie would have insisted that we party, and we did!

Yesterday was the visitation. It was supposed to be from 4-7p, then a service from 7-8. I showed up at about 4:15 and there was already at least 50 people there. I was overwhelmed and so happy to see so many people at Julie's service. By the time the service started, the funeral home had to add chairs in a room off to the side of the main room, and add an extra row of seats in the main room. There were a LOT of people there. The overall vibe was good...people (including me) broke down from time to time but for the most part it was good. Mike and his family were incredibly stand-offish, but it was better that way. There were lots of pictures, beautiful flowers, and just tons and tons of people reliving memories of Julie. It's incredible how many lives she touched. It was unlike any visitation I've ever been to...I'm used to morbid wakes, open caskets, people crying. There was laughter all over that funeral home, and Julie would have loved it. The service was beautiful, although very sad. The preacher was my least favorite ever (after the first 10 times he said the word "Christ" I wanted to start counting...) but he provided a laugh to the entire room when he screwed up the Lord's prayer. Hee hee. Julie's Grandfather spoke and told us the exact square mileage of Heaven, ROFL. He's pretty religious, and went into a short diatribe about how we should all get to know Jesus so we can see Julie in heaven. Here's my opinion--If heaven exists, I will get there based on my virtue and not my beliefs. I will never subscribe to a religion. I believe that there is a power greater than myself, and it is convenient to call it God. If heaven exists, God owns it. Not Jesus, or Muhammad, or any other middle-men that religions have provided. I prefer to believe that Julie's spirit is with us. I believe she is dancing her ass off. And laughing with us. And pushing us all closer together. That's what she would have wanted. Just as I feel Cioci Denise is barefoot and braless, playing bongos in heaven. Heaven is what she would have wanted. Kalin is on a beach somewhere, carefree and beautiful. Barbra is at the most fabulous gay club ever. Jami is watching her little girl grow up. It may sound silly...but that's just the way I feel about what happens to our spirits when we die.

After the services at the funeral home, a bunch of us went to Joy and Ted's and we ended up having a massive party. There was a ton of wine, more food than we could handle (there were probably 20-25 people who came and went throughout the night), and so many fantastic stories!!! So many people love Julie, and she affected so many lives. It was so good to see everyone at the services and at the party--it was good to catch up with people I hadn't seen in years (Heather especially) and I was introduced to a lot of Julie's friends whom I had heard so much about. It was a really, really good time and Julie would have had a BLAST. So, during our "funeral party" there was some kind of Halloween party or something going on next door. There were a bunch of teenagers/young adults there, and the party got busted by the cops. When I went to leave Joy and Ted's house around 1am, I was standing under their carport when I heard tires and crunching metal. I looked over and saw that a truck had just hit something, then did a double take and realized it was *MY* car! He stopped for a moment (just far away enough that I couldn't see his plate)...and then he drove off!!!! We called the police (thank you to Joe and Brady for holding my pieces together during that BS!) and they came out again. The driver's side front bumper of my car is totally dented in. The officer went back to the house he had JUST been at to find out who hit my car. They caught the guy just down the street, YAY! I've never had any kind of accident or damage to my car, so I had no idea what to do. I'll pick up the police report on Monday and call the guy's insurance company so I can get my bumper fixed ASAP.

Today was Julie's graveside service. It was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. It was cold and drizzling, and the mood was much more sad than yesterday. Amber brought balloons, and some of us wrote notes and tied them. It was beautiful to see them all go, but at the same time it was sad. It feels so final...she's really gone. It feels weird to come over and not turn into the living room and say "Hello beautiful!" to Julie and see that smile. I just hope she realizes how much she means to me and how much she taught me. She has changed my life and the way I think about a LOT of things. I used to tell her all about my relationship issues, and she was all smiles when I told her about Mike. I showed her pictures, and she seemed so happy. I never had the heart to tell her we broke up...she was so sick and I knew it would make her sad. She only wanted me to find a decent man. I can promise Julie right here and now...I will find a decent man. I will not settle. I will make sure that he treats me the way I deserve, and that he respects me. If there's one thing I learned from Julie...it's to be careful in choosing a mate. She ended up with a real fucktard and I'm glad I never have to see him again. Sometimes I get so caught up thinking about how much I want to get married and have kids that I lose sight of what kind of QUALITY I'm looking for. So I am forever grateful to Julie for that lesson...it's a big one!! There are a hundred other examples of how she changed my life and taught me lessons, but I'll leave it at that for now. Sad that my longest entries are always after funerals...