*Sigh*

As those of you who have already seen my blog today know...Julie died this morning. She went very peacefully and comfortably, and was in no pain. I went there last night to spend the night so that Joy could sleep. I sat on the couch knitting while Julie slept in the recliner. I put down my knitting and laid down on the couch, and was listening to her breathe. The rhythm suddenly stopped, and I jumped up and ran up the stairs, calling for Joy and Ted. We came downstairs, Julie took 2 more breaths, and she was gone. At 4:12am on October 27, 2009, Julie Marie Dickmeyer Zerhusen was finally released from her body so she could dance again. She was 31 years old.

I don't have words to describe how I'm feeling. I've been trying all day. About 5 minutes before Julie died when I laid on the couch, I remember telling myself that it was going to be okay, that she was going to make it through the night, and I should let the rhythm of her breaths lull me into at least a 45 minute long nap. It's amazing how fast it happened. Amber came over, then John, Joe and Angel followed. Mike came. We cried and talked and comforted each other. My heart breaks for the whole family. Joy, John and Ted were her parents. They are beside themselves. John had been in a pretty good amount of denial for a long time, so this has hit him really hard. Amber and Joe are her siblings...I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a sibling so young. Amber and Julie were especially close and my heart just breaks for her. Mike was her husband...I may never understand the kind of relationship they shared but it is obvious that they loved each other. I know this is going to sound really cheesy, but I seriously feel bad for Julie's dog, Baxter. He was on the couch when she took her last breaths, and didn't move from his spot until 2 hours later when the funeral directors took Julie away. Those who know Baxter, know that he is a very energetic thing and will run out of the door at a moment's notice. People came and went, the funeral directors propped open the door, and he never moved. He didn't follow anyone from room to room like normal. That's the first time I've seen REAL and TRUE grief from an animal. For Lora and Heather, her best friends...I just can't imagine. Sarah held my pieces together today...I can't imagine losing her.

I really can't put it all into words. How much I loved Julie. How much I learned from her. How glad I am that she doesn't have to suffer anymore. The love I have for her family. The respect I have for Joy and Ted especially. The gratitude that Julie allowed me into her life at such a difficult time. The sadness of knowing I'll never see her again, hear her laugh, hold her hand or give her a hug. The trauma of not only having several people in my life die over the past 6 months or so...but watching 2 of them die with my own eyes. The pride in my friends who have donated to Julie's family. The hope that Julie's brain donation will do so much good for the research of frontotemporal dementia (and FTDP-17 specifically) so that nobody else will ever have to go through what Julie did. I've got a full emotional spectrum going on right now, and it really is difficult to put it into words.

Julie, you are missed and loved by so many people.

Funeral arrangements are posted on the caringbridge site-- http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/juliez. Donations can still be made via the blogspot. I look forward to seeing a lot of folks I haven't seen in a long time...I'm just sick about the reason.