Just in case you didn't already know...

I know I've been all over facebook with this but I had to blog it too...Julie is not doing well. She is not eating or drinking--she accepts ice chips or gatorade chips but that's about it. She has days/weeks to live. Joy and Ted have sacrificed sooooo much to take care of her. Her husband is not helping to pay funeral expenses. She had no life insurance. She has been physically and financially supported by Joy and Ted for quite a while now. Her final days are approaching and they NEED money to pay for Julie's final expenses. To donate, go to www.juliesfund.blogspot.com and click the paypal icon or choose whatever method you want. They NEED your help. I don't care who you are or how you came across this blog...I know times are tough but Julie deserves a proper memorial. If you want to learn more about Julie, go to www.caringbridge.org/visit/juliez

I saw Julie again today and my heart breaks. She is simply not the same girl I saw 2 weeks ago before my trip to NY. She could not walk today, so they wheeled her into the bedroom. She's skinny and I mean SKINNY. Joy said she was 134lbs at her doctor's appt the other day. Her eyes are sunken and she has circles under her eyes. She took some ice chips, a mini Dove bar and a little rice and that was it. She seems very disconnected. She was "with it" a lot more today than Friday--she seemed to pay a lot more attention to what was going on around her. Unfortunately, I believe Julie's smiles are gone forever. *cry* I was really hoping that she was only having a bad day on Friday and that she would still smile another day. But we didn't get ANY emotion out of her tonight...Amber even told a hilarious story that I know would have had Julie audibly laughing (at least the way she laughed, which was a strange kinda noise but I liked it) 2 weeks ago. Julie stared into space. I'm going over there tomorrow while Joy and Ted go to the funeral home (sigh) to continue the feeding of ice/gatorade chips/twizzlers/whatever. I just want to help her feel comfortable and loved, and I want Joy and Ted to be able to just fucking relax a little (yeah right) and spend time with Julie while she's still here. I feel like a hospice nurse and a friend all in one, lol.

Anyway, that's what's going on right now. I have a feeling I'll be posting more tomorrow.

Not so great right now.

Well, things just aren't going so well right now. 2 major things come to mind, and I'll talk about my trip to NY in this entry too because it looks like I'm not going to sleep for a while.

First of all, I know it's been a while since I've updated. Things were going really well for Mike and me. I saw (and still see) long-term potential for us, and so did/does he. A whole lot of shit has happened...I went for a week to NY, he got sick (like, really sick), I got really super needy and he just wasn't able to give me the attention I needed. I understand that...I really do. Anyway, bad news from his Dr and he really needs to do some lifestyle changes. So...he's going to focus on getting better, and I'm back on the market as of our date last night. I'm sad. I feel like I've spent so much time rebuilding my karma and trying to be a better person overall, and I still can't seem to make a relationship last. I know I didn't do anything wrong. He made that really clear to me, and I knew in my heart anyway. One of my strengths is helping people feel better when they're ill, in showing real interest and compassion when they're hurting. I wish I could just ball up with him and stroke his hair and take care of him. It pisses me off that I'm not going to be able to do that. We're going to stay friends, and that's really good. I care about him a lot and I do want him in my life. He's not a dick. He never was. I'm just sad and thinking about the future right now depresses me. I feel like the most giant failure when it comes to relationships and I wonder if I will EVER find the person I'm supposed to be with in the long run. I fucking deserve it. I have so much LOVE in my heart. I see stupid fucking people every day who don't deserve the people they're with, who don't deserve kids, and who take it all for granted. It's not fair that someone like me has nowhere to funnel their love (I know that sounded ridiculous) and others are just able to snap their fingers and have a great life. Anyway, I'll shut up. Those of you who read this are very familiar with my struggles in the love department, and I'll spare you listening to my bitching and whining for the 300th time about how I'm gonna be single forever. :-)

More bad news. Julie isn't doing very well. I don't really know where to start with this. I went over there Friday, and here are my observations--She barely made eye contact and didn't smile the entire time I was there. This was SO upsetting to me because no matter how shitty she's feeling, you'll still get a smile out of her if you're funny enough. I fed her some ice chips with a spoon...she doesn't seem to be able to open her mouth all the way or she just doesn't want to. She apparently ate a bunch of chips (at least a dozen) when she was with her husband, and she had a couple of bites of chicken while I was there. She was leaning to the right a lot. Standing and walking are TOTALLY changed...she can't be pulled up by her arms anymore because her muscles are so tight. It takes 2 people to walk her anywhere--she's soooooo unbalanced it scares me. Her knees don't want to bend when she sits (that's been going on for a while though). She's lost a bunch of weight (I'd guess her to be 140...I could feel her hip bone when I was helping her walk...). I'm so very worried. Now, to Julie's credit, she was tired when I saw her. She had a bit of a busy day. So some of the walking issues and the leaning were probably caused by that. But there is definitely a big difference since the last time I'd seen her a week prior. Nobody knows how long Julie is going to be around. This disease she has is completely baffling. I hope that it's over for her before she suffers too much. I worry about her and her folks so much!

Went to NY, had a terrible time, thanks for asking! Mom just can't handle the car rides...we had 5 long car rides in 8 days. Needless to say, she's still recuperating. Long story short, we went to visit Cioci Sharon at the convent in Elma for a few days then went up to Utica for the rest of the trip. I've come to the understanding that Cioci Sharon just doesn't like me, and I guess that's okay. I really tried hard to be polite and helpful and quiet while I was there, and I feel like I was treated like Mom's cabbie. She didn't even say goodbye to me our last night there...she went and said goodbye to Mom and then blew right past me to go to bed. I was crushed--cried myself to sleep. As much as I love Maggie and Evelyn, I could NEVER treat them that way. I try really hard to be a good aunt, and it just so happens I'm naturally pretty good at it. I would have really appreciated a good TRY from her.

So there's my life right now. Everything is not so great. But I'm sure it'll get better...it has to. ;-) (Famous last words...)

Frustrated.

ZOMG, the 2nd batch of creampuffs came out AWESOME!

Finished product.

I just don't understand why one person would have to suffer so much. Not me...my Mom. I don't understand why, after everything she's been through and all of the good things she's done, she is in almost constant pain and is forced to suffer every day. This is a woman who worked for 26 years as a nurse for children with cancer. If that doesn't make you look up to her...nothing will. Since I've been back in KY, I've been to several Dr appts with her and I get more frustrated every time. Very long story cut very very short, she bent over on Mother's Day 2006 to put her shoes on and go to work (she was on-call) and blew out her back. She immediately lost bladder control and feeling below her waist. The hospital she went to for emergency care lost her MRI results for 3 days, making the nerve damage worse. She had surgery, and it was determined that she has Cauda Equina Syndrome caused by trauma. That's bad enough...RIGHT? You'd think so. She also suffered a stage IV pressure ulcer (bedsore) on her tailbone, where she ended up hours from death from septic shock. She was in the hospital from May-June 2006, then again from July-October. Today, we went to her primary care dr...the dr I've been seeing since I was a tiny kid. Here's the point of the whole damn thing...I'm tired and sad of hearing the words "chronic", "lifetime" and "permanent" in regards to my Mom's condition. I'm especially tired of hearing of all of the pain medication that she's going to be on for the rest of her life. My Mom is not a perfect person by a long stretch, but she has been mostly good in her lifetime and deserves more than this. She has lost her parents, lost 2 of her 3 sisters, she has been a single mother to 3 kids, worked her ass off to provide for us...and now that she's 56 years old and *almost* retirement age she's stuck in a bed in the living room of her house. There are so many things she wanted to do...going to Greece was at the top of the list. Now, getting her to Greece would be nearly impossible because she simply can't sit for more than an hour at a time. It's not fair. She should be still working (just a few more years!) and saving for her retirement and her travel. She was never much of a dancer, but she has said in the past few years that she's sad she'll never dance at my wedding (or Maggie's...or Evelyn's...). She had just as much life in her as Cioci Denise did before she got really sick the last time--she WANTS to do these things and is a prisoner of her body. She's depressed almost all the time...the only time I can tell she's really happy is when her grandkids are around. She cries at least once a week...it's heartbreaking and completely unfair. I cry when I think about what my Mom's life used to be like, and the things she should be doing now. I barely remember how she used to walk, which devastates me. Flat-footed with a walker is how she gets around now, or in a wheelchair. Anyway...I don't really talk much about how I feel about this situation and I think I need to blog more. It's hard for me to talk about it all because I have no answers and I can't fix it. I feel like when I talk about it, I'm bitching. Maybe it's my own failure to adapt...I don't know. Now, rather than keeping it inside or trying to talk to people that may not understand...I'm gonna bitch about it in my blog. After all, that's what it's for, right? :-p

Yesterday was fun...Sarah and I decided to make homemade creampuffs from scratch. The first batch came out kinda flat and we couldn't really fill them with anything, but the second batch came out BEAUTIFUL! We filled them with sugar-free vanilla pudding and some with raspberry preserves and then covered them in chocolate...MY OH MY. Yummy and relatively healthy. I'm having another getaway with Sarah and her folks this week...SO EXCITED! It'll just be a couple of days, but it's going to be so relaxing. I actually have some exciting things coming up...besides my little getaway, I'm going to a wool festival with some people from the knitting group on the 20th, the Rebel Brigade Alumni Night (which I still plan on attending) is the 25th, Sarah & Erik's official housewarming party is on the 26th, and Mom is talking about me driving her to NY again the first week of Oct. I'm hoping for the 2nd week, as there is this turkey shoot thing that several of my friends are going to on Oct. 5th. (I don't think it actually involves shooting turkeys.) Life is in full session. I'm proud and happy for Mike--He got a new job which will be less stressful on him and will allow us slightly more time to hang out. This new job is going to change a lot of things for the positive in his life, and I am so happy for him! Socially, everything is going really well. I feel like I have real friends and people who care about me. There are still a lot of people to get to know, but as of right now I feel I have a good handle on who is good to hang out with and who isn't.

Call me what you will, but I walked away with 2 fantastic books from the library today. Since I've never been a big fan of fiction (basically anything too far-fetched is a no-no for me), I picked up "Sybil", which I have never read but I have seen the movie. I'm embarrassed to say I've never read it, as a psychology major and someone who thinks Dissociative Identity Disorder is fascinating. I also picked up "How We Die: Reflections on Life's Final Chapter" which I am looking forward to reading right away. There is so much to learn...Now that I have actually been exposed to death as a part of life and have the knowledge that there are actually many steps involved in both our bodies and minds, I want to learn as much as I can. Since I've been helping with Julie, I've been thinking a lot about what direction I want to take with my career. Do I want to be a psychologist, or do I want to be a caregiver? What are the pros and cons of each option? Can I really handle a job that would require me to care for people with chronic and fatal conditions? How emotionally involved will I get? There are a lot of questions. Either way I decide to go, the book on death is going to help me.

That's it for now...sorry if this whole post has been a bit disjointed and kerbobbled. (Yes, I said kerbobbled.) It was more stream-of-conscience than anything. ;-)

I need to update more often!

It's only been a week since I last posted and I have plenty to talk about...this must mean that the "unemployment zombie" days are over and life is back in full swing! At least it is for a little while, and that's a good thing. I like staying busy.

My back is still pretty messed up from Julie's fall...I'm not sure what's wrong but when Mike massaged my back last night it was hurting right in my spine. Hmmmph. It's a combination of my spine and the left lower muscle and it hurts like a bitch. I've been taking ibuprofen and resting it a lot, so hopefully I'll be 100% soon.

Thursday was the Rebel Brigade preview show. I was really super excited because I hadn't seen the band perform since 2000. Things have changed a lot this year...the band is no longer competitive. I could go on forever about my memories with colorguard, but I have a few things that will always stick with me. 1-Traditions. All of them, and there were many. 2-Getting fitted for my uniform/costume every year. 3-Getting "prettied up" before every competition. 4-The bus rides with my friends. (This should have been #2...it was so important.) 5-Excruciating band camps, 3 rehearsals per week (3 hours apiece), a football game on Friday and a competition Saturday. It was a full life.

So now that I've told you what I loved about marching and the memories that come to me most fondly and most often...let me tell you what is going on now. *Deep Breath* The band marched onto the field in tracksuits and ballcaps. The colorguard wore the same tracksuits as the band. No pretty costumes for them. :-( They walked onto the field. No marching. No huddle. Maybe they did it before they marched on...I dunno. Their first show was a Michael Jackson tribute, which I was really excited about. I was definitely expecting "college band" out of the Rebel Brigade this year...and that's kinda what I got. I was devestated. The guard carried the same flags for the whole show. The least number of flags I ever remember having was 2, and a swing flag. So...they had one. :-( During the second show (same flags, BTW) which was a Blues Brothers show, a band member or 2 actually laid on the field and played for almost a whole song!! No exhaustion for them, LOL! I find this funny because we were never allowed to put our butts on the ground for any reason while we were rehearsing, and there they were in front of me playing their trumpets (or whatever) while lounging on the ground! LOL! Anyway, I was just really sad about the whole thing. I am sad that the kids won't know the thrill of hearing "Boone County High School Rebel Brigade, you may now take the field for competition!". Or of standing out in the freezing cold when awards time comes. I'm sad they won't know what it's like to put on such an awesome uniform with buckles and straps and doo-dads and put on their white pants instead of the grey because they're going to finals. I'm sad that the colorguard isn't PERFORMING. Colorguards dance and spin and toss...they're responsible for ACTING OUT what is going on with the music. This colorguard was doing drop spins and figure-8's and standing still half of the time. I CRIED! I understand that the money just isn't there for the school, and it hurts to see a program that shaped me so much end up like this. If I were a millionaire...

Things with Mike and I are great. The more I get to know him, the more I like him. We crack each other up, and I think we may never run out of things to talk about. We went out last night, and had a good dinner and some great conversation. We came back here and I got a massage (Oh thank you God for bringing me a boyfriend who will massage me when my back hurts. Thankyouthankyouthankyou.) and we talked a lot. I like him so much, it's unbelievable. And he has shown me in several ways that he likes me just as much as I like him. We're still taking things very slow, and I'm pretty happy with that. He is so different from the other guys I've dated in the past...first of all, he cares that I have a brain. That's so comforting. He thinks with the head on his shoulders and that is definitely different. Yet he's incredibly snuggly and likes to kiss. He literally makes me shiver when he touches me. He knows this and does it on purpose, I think. :-P He makes me feel safe and pretty...and tiny! All of that being said, I could go on and on. Let's just put it this way...I feel like a very lucky girl.

I saw Julie today...I went over there and Joy pulled out one of her old flags. I hadn't spun in about 7-8 years, so I immediately went to their backyard to spin a little. Joy asked me if I would spin for Julie, and I was like HELL YEAH I WILL!! LOL! I had to leave and go to the store, but I went back over there after dinner. Joy and Ted brought Julie outside and I spun for her. She loved it. I think she was just amused that I didn't hit myself over the head, haha! She ended up with a bruise on her knee after her fall with me on Monday...I was soooooo upset with myself, but Joy reassured me that these things have happened before and it's no biggie. She's still having problems eating and drinking, which is really worrying me.

There are a million other little things I could write about, but I'm worn out. I'll update again soon...life keeps happening.

Exhausted!

It's been the longest 48 hours, LOL!

I went to see Harry Potter on Saturday with Big Sexy Man (hereafter known as Mike) and had a fantastic time. We were both late to the movie, but settled in fine and really, really enjoyed the movie. Then we got some ice cream and had some conversation...I really like spending time with him. I am deeply in like with Mr. Mike. He apparently called me his girlfriend to his roommates...so I guess that makes it official. I haz a boyfriend. :-) We seem to be very compatible, and he gives me the craziest butterflies ever so I'm a very, very happy girl. A very happy, always giggling, smiling-till-my-cheeks-hurt girl.

Sunday was crazy...Sarah had her knitting party so it was really good to sit back and relax and have conversation with a bunch of crazy females. I made armholes for my never-ending cardigan, so I feel really good about the progress I've made there! I'd like to have it done in a couple of weeks, so I can actually enjoy it while it's still Fall. The party was fun...lots of talking, knitting, and super good food and wine and beer. Then it was time for my sleepover with Julie! Joy and Ted went on a mini-vacation for their anniversary, and they asked me (and several other people) to tend to Baxter and the garden. I let Baxter out every night (including the night I went on my date, I'm just that awesome) and went over there Sunday night to get Julie from Mike and get her in bed. Luckily Amber was there too...Julie was pretty worn out from so much activity while she was with Mike so it took some real effort to get her in/out of the bathroom and into bed. We were definitely both needed! Julie was pretty restless through the night...I kept an eye on her on the monitor and woke up several times through the night to check on her. She was ready to get out of bed by 9am, which I wasn't too happy about but I didn't want to leave her there and was sure I could get her out of bed myself. She did have a minor slip where her foot came out from underneath her and she went down on her butt, but I got her up (off pure adrenaline, mind you--my back hates me right now) and into the bathroom with almost no problems. Amber came while we were in the bathroom, and we got her clean and dressed for the day. Breakfast was a bit of a problem...Julie just didn't seem to want to eat. Or she wasn't able to. I'm not quite sure which. It's like her lips/teeth don't want to open. Amber and I bribed her with everything we could think of, but she just didn't want to do it. She only had one bite of scrambled eggs before Amber had to go. I kept at it and was able to get her to have about 1/4 cup of milk and juice, 4-5 spoonfuls of applesauce, a twizzler, and a few bites of jello before she left with Mike at 2. I was kinda in a panic...just in April, she was able to pick up a french fry, dip it in ketchup and eat it. Today, I fed her every bite she took and helped her drink too. I just worry. Now I understand why Joy has such a hard time updating the caringbridge...It's hard to say that she's moving slower and slower and eating less and less.

So that was my crazy 48 hours. I'm home now, nursing my back and hoping I didn't do any real damage. It appears I just pulled a muscle or 10. ;-) I'll update again soon.

Life is beautiful.

Hey folks...just another update while I have some time. I'm once again writing from my entertainment room, except this time I'm laying on a futon mattress which was loaned to me by Sarah and Erik! I just fold it up and sit on it, or lay it out and chill. It's super comfortable...Mom offered to buy me a frame for it so I can save some money rather than buying something new. All I have to do is cover the damn thing with a sheet or slipcover and it's perfect. Soooo...where to begin??

Big Sexy Man came over on Friday after I wrote last...he stayed until almost 5am and it was WONDERFUL! I introduced him to Mom, and we went upstairs and watched a movie and turned into a human ball of snuggle. I'm smitten, big time. I really, really enjoy his company and I look forward to every text and every time I see him. We took a couple of pictures of us together and we both changed our profile pics to them on facebook...I thought that was really cute and it made me feel really good. He came over again Monday, and was here until late again. I feel very comfortable around him...I feel safe. He seems to create this aura of safety and warmth that just draws me in. Nothing is set in stone, but I look forward to many more good times spent with him. I am constantly giggling and blushing, even when he's not around. He's "wooing" me. And I like it very, very much. :-D

I probably shouldn't even dignify this with words, but the Douchebag has been in contact lately. He has been emailing me at random, saying hurtful things about me. He wrote this big long speech about me, my flaws, and how he "really" felt about me. It's hard not to let that kind of thing get to me, but what I remember is that I'm not the one who has a completely screwed up life. He is. I'm stable, happy, and exactly where I belong. Anyway, he IM'd me on Yahoo today at random (he's now blocked from sending me messages altogether) and put the icing on the cake. That bastard tore me apart, said unspeakable things about my Mom and Dad, and tried to flaunt his new relationship in my face (like I actually give a shit--I feel sorry for the girl!). Let me tell you...I was livid. I'm not one for confrontation...I really dislike it. But when he had the NERVE to bring up my Mom's disability in the most heinous way possible...I WENT OFF. All of the pent-up things I've wanted to say came out. I *almost* felt bad, but he deserved it 100% and anyone who knows the situation would pat me on the back for saying the things I said. Now there is no possible way for him to contact me, and it's SO much better that way. Since I've taken control of my life and my future (especially the quality of the guys I date...), I don't want anything to do with someone who will purposefully hurt other people's feelings. Someone who will dig to the core of a person and hit them right where it hurts. How dare he say anything about my Mom??? Grrr. Anyway, that's what happened.

Joy and Ted have an anniversary this week! So they're going away to the cabin and I get to have a sleepover with Julie Sunday night. I'll have her from 8:30pm all through the night, until her husband comes to pick her up the next afternoon. I'm a little nervous, but Julie and I get along fantastically and we "communicate" pretty well. In other words, I'm good at guessing what she wants/needs, LOL! I'll have help getting her in and out of bed...I'm not worried so much about getting her out of bed as I am getting her in. It's a pretty long process, haha! But I'm sure it will be fine...I'm more than capable of keeping her happy, fed, clean, clothed and entertained. If I approach each task as it comes, it will be much easier and I won't be so worn out. :-p I'll be sure to write a full story later-Joy has copied several of my entries and used them on the caringbridge site so those who read it can stay informed.

My size 20 jeans are getting looser and looser, and the size 18 capri's Joy gave me of Julie's are fitting better and better. I have a size goal, but not a weight goal. I'm weighing myself once a week to see how I'm doing, but I'm not pushing myself and I'm definitely not denying myself anything. I think I've just been so busy and so distracted and so happy that I'm either eating less or exercising more. Maybe a little bit of both. Still, it's wonderful to watch the numbers fall. It's something tangible, rather than a pair of jeans that can shrink or stretch. Believe me, though, every time I pull on a pair of those size 18 capris I do a little victory dance in my head!!! I'm definitely eating healthier...way more fresh fruits and vegetables (yay for fresh tomatoes from my neighbors and the farmer's market!) and almost NO junk. I have become a slave to No Sugar Added Fudgecicles...they're only 40 calories and completely guilt-free. Best part is...Mom loves them too! I picked up about 4 pounds of fresh green beans from the farmer's market today and Mom was so happy, LOL! SPEAKING OF HEALTHY LIVING...The not-smoking thing is going really, REALLY well!!!! I've been using the lozenge as needed (getting to be less and less) and just not buying cigarettes. I'm super, SUPER proud of myself!!!!! I'm trying to stretch out the time between the lozenges...right now I'm at about 4-5 lozenges a day. There are days it's been 3. Soon, I will be completely nicotine free and I love it!!!!! It's probably the best thing I could possibly do for myself. It's HARD...believe me! But I feel a lot better, I smell better, my car smells better, I taste food better, and frankly I'm not as obsessed as I was. I realize now what a huge hold cigarettes had over my life. It's a tough habit to break, but I'm doing a great job and I'm gonna keep going.

So...That's it for now! I'll be sure to write when the weekend is over so I can keep the masses (all of my 2 readers) informed. ;-)

Happy days.

I'm writing this entry from a rocking chair in my entertainment room, YAY! I have my feet propped up and a laptop in my lap...so happy. There is still a lot to do in here, but it's at the minimum and that's good enough for now. The paint is on the walls (still have to do the doorframe and baseboards), the floor is swept (not mopped), the desk is set up, my crates of DVDs and books (missing a WHOLE CRATE OF BOOKS!!! WTF!!!) are in here, and the art will be ready to be hung later today or tomorrow. Tomorrow, I'm picking up a queen-sized futon mattress from Sarah and Erik to put in here until my broke ass gets a couch. I still need bookshelves, an entertainment center and a TV, too. It looks great in here, really!!! I kinda shocked myself. Of course, I'm picking apart every little flaw, but at least it's mostly done.

I'll have my first company in here this weekend...a big, sexy man!!! We're gonna hang out and watch a movie...it'll be nice. I enjoy talking to him so much, and to tell you the truth I have a major crush going on. The good thing about this is that he likes me too! Hopefully there will be many, many more good times to come. ;-)

I haven't gotten a chance to see Julie this week...hopefully things will slow down a bit next week and we can hang out. As far as I hear, everything is still basically the same.

Anyway, I just wanted to give a quick update since I am so excited to be able to blog in my entertainment room! YAYZ!!! :-)

A lot to cover!

First of all...everyone stand up. Now put your hands together and clap for me. I QUIT SMOKING!!!!!!! I started using the lozenge. It worked for me in the past...I just became weak. This time, someone told me just not to buy cigarettes. That seemed fair enough. I bought a carton, I bought Mom a carton, and decided that was the last one EVER. When I ran out of cigarettes, I popped in a lozenge...and now it's 3 days later and I've only had 2 cigarettes. For someone who used to be a pack-a-day smoker, that's GREAT! It's cool because even though I'm still getting cravings...I just don't buy cigarettes. I don't carry a lighter with me. And if I'm running around, I won't stop at a gas station or anything. It's going really well, I'm super proud of myself! I am finally ready to quit, after all this time. Also, it's the only way I can see my Mom quitting. Most of all...I've changed my life so much over the past year. Out with the bad, in with the good. Smoking is unhealthy, and I want to make sure I'm around for as many years as possible. So...YAY! I'll keep everyone informed on my progress.

I had a date Thursday night! And my oh my...what a date it was! Now, I realize that the Big Sexy Man I will refer to in this paragraph is probably reading this. One of the things you'll learn about me is that I love to blog about my life and the people in it...but give them as much anonymity as they desire. ;-)

Back to the date. So...I had been flirting with Big Sexy Man (BSM) for a couple of weeks, and had a really good feeling about all of it. Such a good feeling that I didn't want to blog anything about it until something actually happened. Well...we had a date. We saw a movie at Newport on the Levee, a midnight show and an opening night (which I didn't know at the time). I was hopelessly nervous, but luckily I looked hopelessly hot. Long story short...we had an amazing night. I had no idea what the movie was going to be about, but caught on pretty quickly and at least was able to concentrate on the plot (kinda). It's hard to concentrate on the plot of a sci-fi movie when you are enveloped in the greatest snuggle session ever. :-) Anyway, we watched the movie, then sat in our seats and talked, cuddled and kissed until the cleaning crew reached our row. He walked me to my car, where we talked, cuddled and kissed some more. I like him. He likes me. We'll be seeing each other again, and soon. Damn...that is one big sexy man. Wow.

I am almost done painting the entertainment room!!!!!!! I put the red on the wall today, and will be going back tomorrow and doing a 2nd coat and finishing the edges. Next, I found the PERFECT COUCH for in there! I found an awesome black sofa bed at Target. The cushions on the end bend up to be used as armrests, and it looks like a loveseat, or if you lay the cushions flat, it's a couch. And, it can be laid out as a bed. It's comfortable...and UNDER $200! As soon as I get the damn paint on the walls, I'm getting it. I'll start using the computer in there (my computer is still a paperweight...I'm using Mom's for now) and it can serve as a TV of sorts until I can finally get a TV/DVD player. It sucks that I had to sell my shit when I moved, but it did make my load lighter in the end. Plus, I sold my DVD player for more than I payed for it...so I can't complain. ;-) By this time next week, I want that room to be completely painted and at least minimally furnished. I found some cute candles at Target today that will be perfect for the room. I already have a footstool/storage space. There's already a desk. I found a gorgeous lamp today at Target that I didn't buy...this room is going to be beautiful! I'll be sure to take pics when it's done.

The only bad news this week...Julie had a neuro appointment and the Doctor recommended hospice. On one hand...I understand. On the other hand...I don't think it's necessary right now. The worst thing about this news is that the doctor apparently said this in front of Julie. The thing that makes me cry is that Julie cried. :-( She's still in her body and she knows what's happening to her. It breaks my heart. I vacillate between wanting to keep her here and wanting for it to be over for her. I know she's going to die...I understand that and I accept that it's going to happen. But her comfort level is the most important thing for me. I want her to be able to walk and move her hands and arms for as long as humanly possible. I want her to eat and drink and do it without choking. (I'm sorry, Joy and Ted...I know you're reading this...I read the caringbridge yesterday and was so upset that I absolutely had to write about it.) I don't want her to be a prisoner of her own body. I can tell that it depresses her when she can't physically move. She's obviously glad for help...but frustrated and sad that she needs it at all. I used to think she was blissfully unaware, but that's so not true. All I know is...I'm going to give her as many hugs as I possibly can and spend as much time with her as I can while she's here.

Sorry to end on such a sour note! It has been a great week and I'm super optimistic about the future. I'm a non-smoker, I had an epic date with an epic guy, my home improvement projects are finally getting done, and I have a ton of friends and family who care about me. I am so glad to be back in KY...I wouldn't have traded my experiences for the world, but I belonged here the whole time.

A good week.

On the back porch of the cabin in IN

Okay! So it's been a pretty interesting week. I took Mom to her appt with the pain specialist, and it didn't really go the way I thought it would. I figured he would suggest that she get the implant, or at least give her a really good exam. He watched her walk, tested her reflexes, and asked her about the pain. Here's the thing...she's in pain EVERY SINGLE DAY. It doesn't matter how bad...it varies. But there is a level of pain there all the time. When she has periods of time where she doesn't sleep and can barely get out of bed, there's a fucking problem. She does not need nor does she deserve to be in that much pain! I sat there with tears in my eyes and told the Doctor that she'll go days without sleeping and I can't even hold a conversation with her...and he fucking perscribed her Percocet. Thanks, but no thanks! So now, instead of ruining her liver and kidneys with Vicodin, she can do it with Percocet. Anyway, he gave her 15 for the month and then he'll see her again. I just think this implant could really help things and she could be happier over the long run.

I had a great couple of days at the cabin with Julie and her folks! I didn't think I was going to make it at all...it was storming HARD Tuesday afternoon when I was leaving and there were a ton of accidents. What should have been a 45 minute drive took me nearly 2 hours. The interstate I was supposed to be traveling on was closed, but it turned out it wasn't until after my exit. Whew! I was freaking out, calling IN Highway Patrol and the campground trying to figure out if I could get in or even if Joy, Ted and Julie needed to head home! It was that bad. However, I did end up getting up there and we had a fabulous time! Joy made it sound like the cabins were pretty rustic, but they ended up having refrigerators and TVs! They were really nice. At least nicer than what I'm used to when it comes to cabins in the woods! I commented that this was WAY better than Higher Ground band camp, and Julie smiled. I didn't get to do any fishing or swimming, but that was more than okay with me for this trip. I was fine just relaxing and helping with Julie. The first night, we had dinner and sat around the table (yeah, a decent sized kitchen table that accomodates 6 adults...in a cabin...) telling stories. We had Julie squealing with laughter. I'm pretty open with Joy and Ted and they are with me, so the conversations we were having probably would have made the average person blush, LOL! Julie was pretty restless that first night, but it was probably due to the fact that she was in a new place.

Wednesday was so much fun. Julie was a little slow-moving in the morning, from being restless the night before. But we got up and went to the store and went driving around the campground. I can't believe how nice some of these cabins are! I couldn't get over it. I'm used to a 1-room shack with no bathroom and 20+ girls in bunkbeds. Some of the cabins had satellite TV! WTF! Anyway, we ended up having a nice dinner and Julie's brother Joe made a fire outside so we could chill out. Julie ate 3 smores, LOL! It was great...she had chocolate all over her face and all over her hands and arms...and a shit-eating grin on her face. She had been having trouble eating all day so it was awesome to see her chowing down and laughing her ass off with us around the fire. We both slept like stones that night!

I told Joy and Ted that I would bring Julie to Mike on Thursday, so they could stay until Saturday. I was sad I had to leave, but I told Mom I'd be home on Thursday anyway so I didn't disrupt my schedule. I took lots of pictures while I was there, and I'm positive that Julie had a great time. I dropped Julie off with Mike, then headed back up to Mt. Washington to get my Brother John's dog Deano. John and Candice decided to take an impromptu visit to Cleveland, so we're watching Deano for the weekend.

So...that's pretty much it for now! When something exciting happens, I'll be sure to say something. ;-)

Life-n-stuff.

Things have been pretty average around here, almost painfully so! But, things are also really good. I've just been spending a lot of time with my Mom, with Sarah, and with my Nieces. Mom's birthday has come and gone...she had a nice day! I'm glad I get to be here with her for that kind of stuff.

I'm still in home improvement mode...I started painting my childhood bedroom, the one I am going to use as a living room of sorts. 3 walls are already painted a nice sand color, and the accent wall will be a gorgeous red. I'm a little nervous about the sand color being a bit to pinkish for the red, but I'm sure it'll work out. If it doesn't look right, all I have to do is go pick another color! I'd like to do a simple Asian theme in there...nothing too crazy. I've heard of people painting their walls chocolate brown and red, but the room is far too small to put such a dark color on the walls. Plus, I'm looking for a place to relax...not a place to be depressed! Mom and I have been talking about what kind of flowers she'd like me to plant next year, and I can't wait to get started. I want a small garden in the front yard, and 2 gardens to mirror each other in the back. Mom also wants a rose bush. I blame my Cancer astrology and Sarah's new house for this "nesting" thing I'm doing. I like it though...it's fun!

Mom has a doctor's appointment tomorrow to see about getting that implant that may help her pain!!!! I'm so excited for it. She is so miserable sometimes (like today) and I think the implant would do a world of good. I hope she's a candidate for it and that it will help her if she chooses to get it.

After Mom's doctor appointment, I have to get my oil changed and go to IN! Joy and Ted decided to take Julie to a cabin and go camping, and I was invited to hang out and help out as needed. I think it's gonna be a lot of fun! They headed up there today, and I'll join them tomorrow. I took Julie out for a mall outing last week, and we had a blast! We took her transport wheelchair to make things easier, but Julie was doing SO much better than the last time I saw her. She was all smiles, she was walking much better, and she seemed more alert. She also fed herself almost a whole piece of pizza (which I had cut up) and that was awesome!!! Last time we went out, I had to feed her every bite she took. She also drank a lot. We looked at scented candles, clothes, and we ended up at Bath and Body Works for shower gel. They had a nice sale going on, so we walked (well, I walked. Julie rolled!) out of there with plenty of body wash. I understand Julie's wants a little more every time we hang out. At the mall, I was pushing her in the chair when she started leaning forward and grabbing her leg. I stopped and asked if she was okay, then realized she was feeling the hair on her legs, LOL! I said, "You want your legs shaved, eh?" and she smiled. I told her I'd tell her Mom, and smiled some more. She didn't lean forward the rest of the day. I just try to think like she does-what would *I* want if I were in her situation?? I make an effort to do the little things like keep her hair out of her face because she can't brush it away and keep our little 1-sided conversations rolling. I probably drive her crazy with my stories, but most of the time she smiles and/or laughs so that's nice. This little mini-vacation is going to be a lot of fun...I'm so glad Julie gets to do stuff like this. And it's an absolute pleasure hanging out with her and her folks.

I admit it...I'm flirting with a man. A big, sexy man. It feels good to flirt again, and it seems like it's being reciprocated. Since I've gotten more used to being here, I see that there really is a whole slew o' men that are still single and are really nice guys. I've opened my eyes back up to the opposite sex, and it feels good. Socially, I'm doing really well. I'm still having a little trouble with being *slightly* shy around new people, but everyone I'm meeting has been so much more than nice. I do realize that nobody is going to roll out the red carpet for me, so I'm making a real effort to be social and get to know people. All in all, things are good for me socially right now. In fact, the only worry I have about these new folks is that I might not be geeky enough, LOL! I'm a nerd in my own right, but I'm just learning about a lot of the stuff these people are into. Trying to maintain my individuality while getting to know people with different interests is kind of a tightrope thing, but I'm doing well. ;-)

I'm sure I'll post again sometime after I get back from the cabin on Thursday. Until then...