The truth is, I don't know how much more I can handle when it comes to the opposite sex. I am tired of being dragged through the mud and lied to. It has been proven to me a few times that even "nice guys" are capable of being soul-sucking assholes. I cannot censor myself anymore, and REFUSE to censor myself anymore.
I have never expected love to just fall into my lap. I understand that it's difficult and the older you get, the harder it gets to find someone you're compatible with. What I want is to get to know someone. Not based on looks, but based on personality and shared interests. I continue to talk to different guys and give them chances. And if I weren't so afraid of these guys finding/reading my blog, I would have been talking about it from the beginning. But at this point, I can't hold it in anymore and I have got to write about how incredibly frustrated and disappointed I am.
I think I'm pretty realistic. I have a clear understanding of where I am on the "pretty/ugly scale", and I'd put myself just slightly above average. Internally, I know that I am one of the most beautiful people most people will have a chance to meet. A man I used to know say that I was 200 lbs, and 190 of that is all heart. I have a million awesome qualities that would make me a great mate. Of course I have faults too--my neediness and sensitivity are probably my biggest.
I'm not shooting for the moon when it comes to men. I'm realistic about what kind of guy I want, what kind of guy I'm compatible with, and what kind of guy I'm attracted to. I'm not expecting a Calvin Klein underwear model to come knocking at my door. All I'm asking for is a cuddly, dorky, fun and responsible guy. A "nice guy". I have been making better choices when it comes to who I'll date and what kind of dates we have...there's just one problem.
Nobody is giving me a motherfucking chance.
"Nice guys" complain all the time that nobody wants them, or that "nice guys finish last". Well, I just want to say that the statement "nice guys finish last" is complete and utter BULLSHIT. Grommon lied to me about even being friends--it was a really nice act he put on the night we broke up though. He ignores me at every given opportunity, and has made no effort whatsoever to remain a friend of mine. I went out with a guy from OkCupid a few weeks ago--we'd been emailing for a month and texting for a couple of weeks. Things were going really well--I actually had a little hope. We went out, and I thought we hit it off. I was POSITIVE there would be a second date. But he withdrew, without even telling me WTF the problem was. I started talking to another guy, and he dropped me because I didn't run to his side when he gave me 2 hours notice that he wanted to meet me for the first time. We had been emailing for a week and started texting on a Saturday night. We made a date for Monday, then he asked me if I wanted to grab a drink around 11 (it was 9). I said no because it was late, my car is dying/tags expired and it would be better to wait until Monday. Monday never came, as he never texted me again. There was another guy I'd been talking to since the middle of January--we hadn't met but had a WHOLE LOT in common. I was really looking forward to meeting him. And he disappeared--again without a reason. So I have effectively wasted almost 2 months and all I've gotten is one date and a whole lot of frustration. It's fucking with my self-esteem. I have been nothing but honest with these guys in my emails/texts with them, my pictures are accurate and recent...I just can't figure out what's wrong with me. When a "nice guy" dumps you on your ass, and when it happens more than once in a 6 month period, you begin to believe that either there is something terribly wrong with you, or something terribly wrong with them. With Grommon, I understood that it was him. Now, I'm not so sure because every single action he has taken has proven otherwise than what he told me. Some "nice guy". With Mike (my date from okcupid and the last Mike I will EVER date), he was probably shallow. It just surprised me because he saw my pics, and they are accurate. Some "nice guy". With Nick (the 2-hour notice guy), I couldn't care less. I mean, really, he couldn't wait a DAY? Some "nice guy". With Josh (whom I never met but wasted my time emailing for a month and a half), I am the most disappointed because we were definitely the most compatible. And *poof*, he's gone. Still active on facebook, but hasn't returned my email. Some "nice guy".
I know that rejection is a part of dating. But I am tired of giving these guys chances and having them just back out with no reasons. Why would someone talk to me for so long (a month and a HALF!), add me to their facebook, talk about plans for getting together, then disappear??? I don't understand! I have mellowed out so much--I'm not expecting much here. All I'm asking for is a chance. I refuse to change who I am and become a bitch. I will never discriminate based on looks, especially not if I'm compatible with a person. If someone emails me on Okcupid and we're not compatible, I write them back and thank them for the email but let them know we're not compatible for whatever reason. NOBODY has extended me the same courtesy. I'm so sick and tired of being nice, only to get shit on by "nice" guys. The thing that bothers me the most is wasting so much time emailing these guys. I have purposely been leaving my options open...I never stopped talking to Josh even though I went out with Mike, and gave Mike the same courtesy even though I felt Josh and I were more compatible. I'm just fucking bummed that I spent so much time talking to them and neither of them gave me a shot.
For the last time, I am tired. I have gone through some major changes over the past year...I have re-evaluated who I am and what I want out of life. 10 years since I graduated high school and nothing I thought was going to happen has happened. All I ever wanted was a psychology degree, a husband, and children. I didn't even care if I had a JOB--as long as I had a formal education. I would have been happier staying home with the kids. I have officially decided that psychology is not for me--and that's something I've wanted to do since I was 13. I feel like I gave up my dream. I refuse to give up on the only other dreams I've ever had--having a husband and a family. I REFUSE. If I give up, I'll feel like I've failed at life. I'll have no dream to chase and no dream to live. But at the same time, I have to continue living my life for myself pretending that I'm going to be single forever. I need to find and make my own way. I need to save money so that maybe I can own a house someday--with or without a man. And if push comes to shove, you better believe I'll be adopting kids. I won't give up on those dreams, no matter what happens. Does anyone see my complete conflict here?????????? Does ANYONE get it?? I am so close to giving up on men it's frightening. Even to me. I have become bitter and skeptical and distrusting of the male species. It's been this way since November, and I can't shake it. I WANT to trust them. I don't want to be bitter. I hate this. But until a man proves himself trustworthy to me, I just can't do it! So basically my conflict is that I don't want to give up my dream, but the finding a mate part is hurting me way too much and I don't think I can do it anymore.
In other news, I am starting a different (not tele-commute) position with Convergys Monday. My orientation is Friday. I'm bummed that it's not a tele-commute position--apparently they're moving the tele-commute positions to WI so I was offered an agent position in-office. We'll see how it goes...I'm not really excited about working in a call center again but I gotta do what I gotta do. Anyway, this has gone on long enough and I'll be shocked if anyone is still reading this pathetic rant.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
I HAVE A JOB!!!!
Mmmkay, so 2010 might not suck after all. It appears my unemployment days are over!
I filled out an application for a telecommute position with Convergys, thinking there was absolutely no way I was going to get the job. I have NO tech support experience, but I have a ton of call center experience and I'm a self-proclaimed customer service ninja. But Cincinnati Bell is having layoffs in their tech support dept right now so obviously the market is packed. I thought there was absolutely NO WAY I was going to get the job.
The position is pretty amazing. It's a telecommute position where I would work from home. I would spend 2 weeks training at the company, then I would be sent home with a computer, a phone and a headset. It's a split-shift schedule...the hours are 11-3, then 7-11. It provides benefits and 401k. Can you say "PERFECT JOB"?? I knew you could.
I could not have gotten through the interview process without Joy, Ted and Amber. I didn't even have a resume because it died with my old laptop and I don't have Word or a printer here at home. So Joy and Ted let me use their computer and printer and POOF! I had a resume! I found a pair of pants that fit (they magically appeared in the entertainment room closet) and a pretty sweater (thanks Julie!) to wear, so I was totally prepared. I had to set 2 alarms to wake myself up at 8am, but made it there on time--after all, it's 10 minutes away!
Longest. Interview. Ever. But time FLEW! There was a paper test, followed by a few computer tests and a typing test. Then I went in for my interview. I don't normally interview very well. I'm usually redfaced and sweaty and bumbling over myself. But I was totally at ease because I knew there was no way I was going to get offered the job. I smiled and was friendly instead of being stiff and formal. We did the usual Q&A--"Tell me about a time when a customer made you so mad you wanted to stab a baby panda in the eye but you kept your cool and puckered your asshole and said 'I'm sorry for your trouble, Sir, let me see if I can help you with that'." (Wow, I'm fucking hilarious.) We did a role-playing exercise and I bumbled a little but collected myself. Afterwards, she said they had more interviews lined up but she wanted to see if she could give me an offer now rather than having to wait a week. OMG! I almost peed myself. I filled out all of the pre-employment paperwork and was sent on my way with drug testing paperwork. I went home, celebrated my brand-new employment by practically tap-dancing to the door, ate lunch and went to my drug test. Now, all I have to do is test my internet service and email the HR lady. BARRING DIVINE INTERVENTION, THIS JOB IS MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, I'm psyched. Here are a few reasons why!!! First of all, I'm working from home. No driving for 2 hours a day. No psycho coworkers. No dress code (my planned uniform for day 1 at home is longjohns and a fluffy robe. Maybe knee socks.). No non-smoking laws. There will be a bathroom 5 feet away. There will ALWAYS be a knitting project at the ready. I don't start work until 11am. I have time in the afternoon/evening to run errands or hang with my BFF. The money is good. I can give the finger to my computer screen without anyone looking over my back. They're providing a computer. I don't have to brave the rain/sleet/snow/ice or retarded drivers. I don't have to pay to eat lunch, I can just have my Mommy make me some. :-P If I get sick, I don't need to call in for fear of infecting my coworkers--I can just stuff a tissue up my nose and go about my day (while wearing my longjohns and robe).
The most important thing in all of this is I'm going to receive a serious geek orientation. I need this. To be honest, I don't know very much about how computers/teh interwebz work. *blushes* I just know that they work, and I know how to use them very well. Since this is going to be an internet tech support job, I'm going to need to learn this stuff. I passed all of the tests they gave me...2 of them were really hard and very technical, but would be kid stuff to any of my dear friends who have worked at Zoomtown. So, this is going to provide a really good opportunity to learn more about teh interwebz and computers. Just another skill I get to pack under my belt.
I am fully aware that in this economy, I have absolutely no business getting a job this awesome. I should have lost that job to someone from Zoomtown or someone with ANY tech support experience. I won the job based on my past job performance, personality and customer service record. I'm shocked and amazed, and so is my Mom. Shit, EVERYONE is probably shocked and amazed, and I'm sure a couple of people are pissed that they have more experience. But there are more positions available, as far as I know. Working at home is something I've wanted to do since I worked at Karrass...people would call in and have things sent to their "home office" addresses and I would be SOOOOOOO jealous! Somehow, I managed to land this. I guess it's about damn time something good happened, LOL! *knocks on wood* Anyway, I just wanted to shout from the rooftops that I landed the best job ever. I really hope it meets my expectations. I do realize that I will get frustrated. I will get frustrated with the customers, my internet connection, learning new software, not getting off work until 11pm, etc. But to be honest, the good FAR outweighs the bad in this situation. The freedom of working at home is priceless. I feel totally unworthy, but totally awesome at the same time! Part of me knows I deserve it, but I'm still kinda in shock. I have orientation Feb. 12th, and start training at the facility on the 15th. At-home virtual training starts March 1st, and I start my regular schedule on the 8th.
YAY, I HAVE A JOB!!!!!!!! Jen's year of unemployment is OVER!
I filled out an application for a telecommute position with Convergys, thinking there was absolutely no way I was going to get the job. I have NO tech support experience, but I have a ton of call center experience and I'm a self-proclaimed customer service ninja. But Cincinnati Bell is having layoffs in their tech support dept right now so obviously the market is packed. I thought there was absolutely NO WAY I was going to get the job.
The position is pretty amazing. It's a telecommute position where I would work from home. I would spend 2 weeks training at the company, then I would be sent home with a computer, a phone and a headset. It's a split-shift schedule...the hours are 11-3, then 7-11. It provides benefits and 401k. Can you say "PERFECT JOB"?? I knew you could.
I could not have gotten through the interview process without Joy, Ted and Amber. I didn't even have a resume because it died with my old laptop and I don't have Word or a printer here at home. So Joy and Ted let me use their computer and printer and POOF! I had a resume! I found a pair of pants that fit (they magically appeared in the entertainment room closet) and a pretty sweater (thanks Julie!) to wear, so I was totally prepared. I had to set 2 alarms to wake myself up at 8am, but made it there on time--after all, it's 10 minutes away!
Longest. Interview. Ever. But time FLEW! There was a paper test, followed by a few computer tests and a typing test. Then I went in for my interview. I don't normally interview very well. I'm usually redfaced and sweaty and bumbling over myself. But I was totally at ease because I knew there was no way I was going to get offered the job. I smiled and was friendly instead of being stiff and formal. We did the usual Q&A--"Tell me about a time when a customer made you so mad you wanted to stab a baby panda in the eye but you kept your cool and puckered your asshole and said 'I'm sorry for your trouble, Sir, let me see if I can help you with that'." (Wow, I'm fucking hilarious.) We did a role-playing exercise and I bumbled a little but collected myself. Afterwards, she said they had more interviews lined up but she wanted to see if she could give me an offer now rather than having to wait a week. OMG! I almost peed myself. I filled out all of the pre-employment paperwork and was sent on my way with drug testing paperwork. I went home, celebrated my brand-new employment by practically tap-dancing to the door, ate lunch and went to my drug test. Now, all I have to do is test my internet service and email the HR lady. BARRING DIVINE INTERVENTION, THIS JOB IS MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, I'm psyched. Here are a few reasons why!!! First of all, I'm working from home. No driving for 2 hours a day. No psycho coworkers. No dress code (my planned uniform for day 1 at home is longjohns and a fluffy robe. Maybe knee socks.). No non-smoking laws. There will be a bathroom 5 feet away. There will ALWAYS be a knitting project at the ready. I don't start work until 11am. I have time in the afternoon/evening to run errands or hang with my BFF. The money is good. I can give the finger to my computer screen without anyone looking over my back. They're providing a computer. I don't have to brave the rain/sleet/snow/ice or retarded drivers. I don't have to pay to eat lunch, I can just have my Mommy make me some. :-P If I get sick, I don't need to call in for fear of infecting my coworkers--I can just stuff a tissue up my nose and go about my day (while wearing my longjohns and robe).
The most important thing in all of this is I'm going to receive a serious geek orientation. I need this. To be honest, I don't know very much about how computers/teh interwebz work. *blushes* I just know that they work, and I know how to use them very well. Since this is going to be an internet tech support job, I'm going to need to learn this stuff. I passed all of the tests they gave me...2 of them were really hard and very technical, but would be kid stuff to any of my dear friends who have worked at Zoomtown. So, this is going to provide a really good opportunity to learn more about teh interwebz and computers. Just another skill I get to pack under my belt.
I am fully aware that in this economy, I have absolutely no business getting a job this awesome. I should have lost that job to someone from Zoomtown or someone with ANY tech support experience. I won the job based on my past job performance, personality and customer service record. I'm shocked and amazed, and so is my Mom. Shit, EVERYONE is probably shocked and amazed, and I'm sure a couple of people are pissed that they have more experience. But there are more positions available, as far as I know. Working at home is something I've wanted to do since I worked at Karrass...people would call in and have things sent to their "home office" addresses and I would be SOOOOOOO jealous! Somehow, I managed to land this. I guess it's about damn time something good happened, LOL! *knocks on wood* Anyway, I just wanted to shout from the rooftops that I landed the best job ever. I really hope it meets my expectations. I do realize that I will get frustrated. I will get frustrated with the customers, my internet connection, learning new software, not getting off work until 11pm, etc. But to be honest, the good FAR outweighs the bad in this situation. The freedom of working at home is priceless. I feel totally unworthy, but totally awesome at the same time! Part of me knows I deserve it, but I'm still kinda in shock. I have orientation Feb. 12th, and start training at the facility on the 15th. At-home virtual training starts March 1st, and I start my regular schedule on the 8th.
YAY, I HAVE A JOB!!!!!!!! Jen's year of unemployment is OVER!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
My life blows.
I am 28 years old.
Jobless.
Single.
Childless.
Uninsured.
Living with my Mom.
...and about to be carless.
Life sure is fucking awesome. If I didn't know that it would destroy my mother and my best friend, I would just take my car and myself off of the nearest cliff.
Jobless.
Single.
Childless.
Uninsured.
Living with my Mom.
...and about to be carless.
Life sure is fucking awesome. If I didn't know that it would destroy my mother and my best friend, I would just take my car and myself off of the nearest cliff.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
2 days in a ROW???
I had the urge to blog again...I've been preoccupied with something all day. I guess the best way for me to relieve my stress is to get the feelings out. I'm working on using my blog therapeutically while still maintaining my own privacy and not revealing too much. I feel comfortable sharing about this part of my life because A)most people already know about it and B)it's just another part of my life that helped make me who I am.
A long, long time ago, I was quite the binge drinker. I also had a pesky prescription drug habit, which was becoming more like a monkey on my back. To get help, I sought the help of AA. I was 19 years old when I made my affiliation with AA--very young. I was brand-new in CA and had no friends. And I mean NO friends. I was slowly but surely welcomed into an amazing group of friends in AA. We started off as a small group of young people in AA (YPAA's for short) and we had a blast together. We hosted dances, went to dances, had movie/poker/spades nights, spent countless nights awake on energy drinks, went to conventions, counseled each other, helped each other stay sober, and never let an ounce of bullshit pass from anyone's lips. We were young, relatively wild, and honestly--as close as family. Over the years, the size of the group swelled and shrank. More people came in & out than I can count. I loved them all in my own special way. Deeply. I could write a paragraph about each of them. After 5 years of continuous sobriety, I still had a lot of doubts as to whether or not I was really an alcoholic. I was miserable all the time, didn't relate to anyone anymore, and I felt like I was outgrowing this group of friends. I made some major mistakes that I'll regret forever before eventually taking a drink in August of 2008.
Due to the mistakes that I made shortly before leaving AA, a lot of my friends turned their backs on me. I completely understand...I probably would have done the same thing. The only difference is that I would have taken the time to listen to the involved person...to get some perspective on why they did what they did. I am not a bad person--I never have been. I am a good person who is HUMAN and sometimes does bad things thinking that the greater good will somehow come out of it. What happened to me was a snowball effect which turned into a complete fucking avalanche. It may have even been forgiven over time. But since I made the decision to leave AA, I no longer had the main common ground I had with my friends before. I sought their forgiveness, and the answer was the same-get back in AA. Problem is--I don't NEED AA! I'm not an alcoholic, as over a year of average-Joe drinking has proven. I am a former binge drinker who used to have a pill addiction. The same 6-pack of beer has been sitting in my fridge since September, and it hasn't been touched. There are 2 unopened bottles of wine. When I drink, I usually have a couple of beers or mixed drinks over a few hours. And I can count on one hand the number of times I've been truly drunk over the past year. Everyone knows I'm a stoner--so what?!?! You'd be surprised how many "normal/average" people smoke that plant. Anyway, AA is more than just a way to stop drinking. It's a way of life--a life I lived from the ages of 19-26. It can be wonderful...I found a lot to be thankful for during that time. Most of all, I was thankful for my friends.
Today, I sometimes mourn those relationships. Especially the close ones. It's hard to express what kind of a loss it is to lose so many friends so quickly. I had known some of these people since the day I walked into my first meeting. They watched me grow and develop. Others, I got to watch grow and develop. We're talking YEARS of friendship and uncountable secrets. Incredible good times. For those that I knew 5+ years...those people were my backbone. One of them was the ringleader in making sure everyone's backs were turned against me. He was my former roommate and one of my closest friends. I can't tell you how much he hurt me with his insults and rallying of the troops to hate me. Another friend (my very best friend in CA, someone I loved so much I thought I was IN love with him...) passively watched as my character was assassinated, then dropped contact with me altogether. A few of my friends stood up for me, none kept in contact. But the people that truly mattered stuck with me through the rough times and are still my friends today. I was around AA for long enough (and especially YPAA) to know that it is highly political and hierarchical. The leaders will always be the leaders, unless they drink or die. YPAA is a huge popularity contest, and most are too afraid to speak up when something is wrong. For instance--there was a guy in our group of friends who was known for sleeping with newly sober (and sometimes underage) girls. Personally, I couldn't stand the guy. I never liked him, but tolerated him because he was a part of the group. I would have stuck my neck out for him if he needed it, but he was not a moral compass for me. However, he was one of the "popular kids" and nobody ever shamed him or turned their backs on him because of his behavior. There was another guy who was newer to the group (although sober longer) who did the same kinds of behavior and he was SEVERELY blackballed. I can name MANY instances of people making the same sort of mistake I did (it's very common, and no I'm not going to tell you) in AA--what was so different/special about what I did? There's a guy who did almost exactly the same thing I did--and he's still a well-respected and trusted member of the group. Even though I was ready to distance myself from the group as a whole (and had been doing so for a few months prior to my drinking), the hypocrisy of the group as a whole makes me never want to return. It's the people I miss, individually. Even the 2 guys who hurt me the most.
I guess it's just a part of growing up and learning lessons, but I've been thinking a lot about these people lately. They were my whole world at one point, and I wonder whether or not they ever miss me as much as I miss them. Are their stories about me good, or do they only talk about the bad things I did? I guess it's hard to tell good stories when you're left with bittersweet memories. My mistakes were at the group level, but it affected people individually and I have to accept that. I'm happy with my life outside of AA...I love it. In fact, I feel like I was holding myself back a lot when I was in AA. Sometimes I feel like those years could have been better spent on getting my education or finding a mate. But I would not trade my experiences for the world. Every experience, good or bad, has turned me into the woman I am today. 99% of the time, I love myself. So I can't look back anymore, mourning and wishing someone would reach out to me. Life has moved forward and so must I.
A long, long time ago, I was quite the binge drinker. I also had a pesky prescription drug habit, which was becoming more like a monkey on my back. To get help, I sought the help of AA. I was 19 years old when I made my affiliation with AA--very young. I was brand-new in CA and had no friends. And I mean NO friends. I was slowly but surely welcomed into an amazing group of friends in AA. We started off as a small group of young people in AA (YPAA's for short) and we had a blast together. We hosted dances, went to dances, had movie/poker/spades nights, spent countless nights awake on energy drinks, went to conventions, counseled each other, helped each other stay sober, and never let an ounce of bullshit pass from anyone's lips. We were young, relatively wild, and honestly--as close as family. Over the years, the size of the group swelled and shrank. More people came in & out than I can count. I loved them all in my own special way. Deeply. I could write a paragraph about each of them. After 5 years of continuous sobriety, I still had a lot of doubts as to whether or not I was really an alcoholic. I was miserable all the time, didn't relate to anyone anymore, and I felt like I was outgrowing this group of friends. I made some major mistakes that I'll regret forever before eventually taking a drink in August of 2008.
Due to the mistakes that I made shortly before leaving AA, a lot of my friends turned their backs on me. I completely understand...I probably would have done the same thing. The only difference is that I would have taken the time to listen to the involved person...to get some perspective on why they did what they did. I am not a bad person--I never have been. I am a good person who is HUMAN and sometimes does bad things thinking that the greater good will somehow come out of it. What happened to me was a snowball effect which turned into a complete fucking avalanche. It may have even been forgiven over time. But since I made the decision to leave AA, I no longer had the main common ground I had with my friends before. I sought their forgiveness, and the answer was the same-get back in AA. Problem is--I don't NEED AA! I'm not an alcoholic, as over a year of average-Joe drinking has proven. I am a former binge drinker who used to have a pill addiction. The same 6-pack of beer has been sitting in my fridge since September, and it hasn't been touched. There are 2 unopened bottles of wine. When I drink, I usually have a couple of beers or mixed drinks over a few hours. And I can count on one hand the number of times I've been truly drunk over the past year. Everyone knows I'm a stoner--so what?!?! You'd be surprised how many "normal/average" people smoke that plant. Anyway, AA is more than just a way to stop drinking. It's a way of life--a life I lived from the ages of 19-26. It can be wonderful...I found a lot to be thankful for during that time. Most of all, I was thankful for my friends.
Today, I sometimes mourn those relationships. Especially the close ones. It's hard to express what kind of a loss it is to lose so many friends so quickly. I had known some of these people since the day I walked into my first meeting. They watched me grow and develop. Others, I got to watch grow and develop. We're talking YEARS of friendship and uncountable secrets. Incredible good times. For those that I knew 5+ years...those people were my backbone. One of them was the ringleader in making sure everyone's backs were turned against me. He was my former roommate and one of my closest friends. I can't tell you how much he hurt me with his insults and rallying of the troops to hate me. Another friend (my very best friend in CA, someone I loved so much I thought I was IN love with him...) passively watched as my character was assassinated, then dropped contact with me altogether. A few of my friends stood up for me, none kept in contact. But the people that truly mattered stuck with me through the rough times and are still my friends today. I was around AA for long enough (and especially YPAA) to know that it is highly political and hierarchical. The leaders will always be the leaders, unless they drink or die. YPAA is a huge popularity contest, and most are too afraid to speak up when something is wrong. For instance--there was a guy in our group of friends who was known for sleeping with newly sober (and sometimes underage) girls. Personally, I couldn't stand the guy. I never liked him, but tolerated him because he was a part of the group. I would have stuck my neck out for him if he needed it, but he was not a moral compass for me. However, he was one of the "popular kids" and nobody ever shamed him or turned their backs on him because of his behavior. There was another guy who was newer to the group (although sober longer) who did the same kinds of behavior and he was SEVERELY blackballed. I can name MANY instances of people making the same sort of mistake I did (it's very common, and no I'm not going to tell you) in AA--what was so different/special about what I did? There's a guy who did almost exactly the same thing I did--and he's still a well-respected and trusted member of the group. Even though I was ready to distance myself from the group as a whole (and had been doing so for a few months prior to my drinking), the hypocrisy of the group as a whole makes me never want to return. It's the people I miss, individually. Even the 2 guys who hurt me the most.
I guess it's just a part of growing up and learning lessons, but I've been thinking a lot about these people lately. They were my whole world at one point, and I wonder whether or not they ever miss me as much as I miss them. Are their stories about me good, or do they only talk about the bad things I did? I guess it's hard to tell good stories when you're left with bittersweet memories. My mistakes were at the group level, but it affected people individually and I have to accept that. I'm happy with my life outside of AA...I love it. In fact, I feel like I was holding myself back a lot when I was in AA. Sometimes I feel like those years could have been better spent on getting my education or finding a mate. But I would not trade my experiences for the world. Every experience, good or bad, has turned me into the woman I am today. 99% of the time, I love myself. So I can't look back anymore, mourning and wishing someone would reach out to me. Life has moved forward and so must I.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Cold, hard unemployment.
The moment I was laid off was quite possibly one of the scariest moments of my life. I had just returned back to CA after spending Christmas and New Years in KY, and already had a plan to move back to KY by June. Sarah and I worked out a financial plan for me and I was sticking to it...until January 22nd, 2009. I literally trembled from head to toe while they were giving me the "it's not you, it's me" speech and referring back to the shitty economy and bad business numbers. I was bright red (I could feel my face burning) and crying...it was a real mess. All of the planning I had done in the couple of weeks since I made my decision to move home was for nothing...I needed to move home as soon as possible. I was given a decent severance and applied for unemployment the first day I could. Since then, to be honest, life has been pretty comfortable. I consider myself a house-daughter (think housewife but not really, lol!). I have a lot of free time to spend with my friends and my family. I'm bringing in about $1300/mo right now, and my total bills are $830 or so. This leaves me a little to have fun with, and a growing nest egg in my account. I feel pretty good about my finances, which is odd. As my 1 year anniversary of being unemployed approaches, I'm really torn about what the hell I'm going to do when I HAVE to get a job. This is going to be hard for a few reasons:
1. The job market here SUCKS. I was inspired to write this blog after seeing that OH's unemployment rate is now over 10%. I don't know how I'm going to get a job in this economy, and frankly it scares the hell out of me.
2. I desperately want to focus on school. School is all I want to do. I haven't been in school for 6 years, and I am denying myself a proper education. But I have bills as well, so I'm going to need a job that is flexible enough for me to be able to go to school.
3. I have been genuinely happy with my life over the past year, mostly due to my unemployment! Spending time with my friends and family has been incredible, and I love having a flexible schedule. I like not having a commute. I like not having to deal with the general public--and if I do have to deal with them at least I'm in a position to be able to tell them to fuck off without getting fired. :-P
I'm still making my mind up about school. Part of the problem is whether or not I'll be able to get any grants or loans. I already have a loan that I'm paying on. I filled out a FAFSA earlier this year, and since it went off of the information on my 2008 taxes (mucho dinero earned that year) I was ineligible for money. I wish the money would just fall from the sky, seriously. I've worked too hard for too long to deny myself an education. I'm starving for it. I also still can't figure out whether to go to NKU and work on my psychology degree, or go to Gateway and ensure myself a position in the healthcare field. NKU would take a long time and a lot of unnecessary classes. Gateway is a shorter program that is more focused on your field. Should I deny myself my dream of working as a psychologist (something that I've wanted to do since I was 13) to do what's more convenient for my future? Will I be able to "settle" for healthcare? And will I hate myself for it??? Because honestly, going to Gateway just seems like the better choice at this junction!! Ugh, I just don't know. I'm so tired of thinking about all of this, but if I don't work it out on paper/in blog, I'll never work it out!
1. The job market here SUCKS. I was inspired to write this blog after seeing that OH's unemployment rate is now over 10%. I don't know how I'm going to get a job in this economy, and frankly it scares the hell out of me.
2. I desperately want to focus on school. School is all I want to do. I haven't been in school for 6 years, and I am denying myself a proper education. But I have bills as well, so I'm going to need a job that is flexible enough for me to be able to go to school.
3. I have been genuinely happy with my life over the past year, mostly due to my unemployment! Spending time with my friends and family has been incredible, and I love having a flexible schedule. I like not having a commute. I like not having to deal with the general public--and if I do have to deal with them at least I'm in a position to be able to tell them to fuck off without getting fired. :-P
I'm still making my mind up about school. Part of the problem is whether or not I'll be able to get any grants or loans. I already have a loan that I'm paying on. I filled out a FAFSA earlier this year, and since it went off of the information on my 2008 taxes (mucho dinero earned that year) I was ineligible for money. I wish the money would just fall from the sky, seriously. I've worked too hard for too long to deny myself an education. I'm starving for it. I also still can't figure out whether to go to NKU and work on my psychology degree, or go to Gateway and ensure myself a position in the healthcare field. NKU would take a long time and a lot of unnecessary classes. Gateway is a shorter program that is more focused on your field. Should I deny myself my dream of working as a psychologist (something that I've wanted to do since I was 13) to do what's more convenient for my future? Will I be able to "settle" for healthcare? And will I hate myself for it??? Because honestly, going to Gateway just seems like the better choice at this junction!! Ugh, I just don't know. I'm so tired of thinking about all of this, but if I don't work it out on paper/in blog, I'll never work it out!
Friday, January 1, 2010
Happy New Year!
I absolutely had to blog! Sometimes I let my emotions build up and don't put them into any useful outlet. Then, one day I go to talk about my feelings and simply can't--just too overwhelmed. Today has been one of those days. So...excuse any ranting or long diatribes.
Christmas was fantastic! Somehow, I managed to knit 4 hats in one month--and all of the hats fit their intended owners!!!! I'm super, super proud of myself and I really hope that Maggie, Evelyn, Candice and Angela all wear their hats often. I'm working on a pair of socks for Mom, then a pair of flip-top mittens for Joy and then holiday knitting will officially be OVER! YAY! Anyway, yes, Christmas was great. Everyone loved their gifts, and I loved mine too! I got all kinds of stuff to keep me warm--Christmas jammies, warm socks, thermal long-johns, the most ridiculously soft and warm robe EVER, and an electric blanket to top everything off, LOL! As I type, I'm wearing my Christmas jammie bottoms with a thermal long-john top and am covered up with my electric blanket (set to level 6 of 10--I should mention it's 18 degrees and supposed to snow). I'm toasty...ahhhhhhh. I also got a set of discs to play disc golf with when spring comes!!! I wasn't expecting it, and it was such an awesome surprise to get discs. It shows that my brother John actually pays attention to what I'm into. He's good for stuff like that--he got me the most amazing poker set a few years ago! I got various other functional and fun things for Christmas, but just wanted to mention the stuff that I absolutely love and will get the most use of. We did Christmas on Christmas Eve as always...it was a lot of fun and I love all of our little family traditions. Good food, good conversation, 2 dogs running around, Maggie and Evelyn's smiles when they open a present...it's all awesome. Christmas day is "in-law day" in our family, but as I have no in-laws I ended up spending the first part of the day with Joy and Ted and the second part of the day with Sarah and her family. It was a really great day. I actually get emotional thinking about it, because I have been so lucky to have been semi-adopted into the best families!!! I'm so glad I moved back to Kentucky...it's the best decision I've ever made.
A little backstory before I talk about the day after Christmas--there's this guy. He's one of the 2 shallow men that I was talking about in my previous post. He and I sorta got our wires crossed. See, I'm half-Polish and so is he. Before I even met him in person, I joked about making "Polish babies" with him. Well, I was half-joking, but who's counting? :-P Either way, I was never really serious about trying to hook up with this guy, because I KNEW he was not attracted to bigger girls (even though he was, at one time, fluffy in the middle). When I moved back to KY, I tried to make it clear to him that I wanted to be friends with him and NOTHING MORE. Anyway, I saw him on Christmas at Sarah's parents' house, and we complimented each other on our weight loss (31 lbs now!) and had friendly conversation through the night. I gave him my number so he could harass me to get a bike (on my to-do list since summer). The next day, he texted me and told me one of his favorite local bands was playing at Northside Tavern and suggested I come. I rarely go out, but when I do I really enjoy myself. So I decided it would be a new experience--find my way to the bar by myself, hang out with "Sarah's friend" without Sarah, listen to a cool band, have a drink or 2, and find my way back home. Dude...it was SO not like that. LOL. WTF. Turns out I spent longer on the drive and finding parking than I did actually listening to the band or hanging out. When I caught up with the guy, he was with 2 people I have heard of before but had never met. After introductions, the guy turns to me and says, "By the way, I'm TOTALLY not trying to hook up with you." I told him that wasn't what I was thinking, and what could have been a totally awkward situation was avoided. Oh...but it gets worse. After no more than 5 minutes of small talk, he says to the other girl in our current party (who weighs about 90lbs...) "Oh, I finally did it with a skinny chick and it was everything I hoped it would be. No offense to present company." and looks right at me. My jaw hit the floor, I gathered myself and said, "Gee, thanks" while rolling my eyes. I was so shellshocked, I couldn't even come up with some witty retort as usual. I went to move my car and thought about what he had just said...and I started to get more and more angry. I went back to the bar and they had moved to another area-I'd lost them. I was okay with that because I was there to see the band and I knew the guy was going to be a social butterfly--I had intended on doing this whole adventure on my own and was okay with that. But the longer I thought about the whole situation--HIM commenting on my weight loss, HIM asking for my number, HIM suggesting I come out to this bar, and then HIM insulting me to my face--the more pissed I got. I ended up leaving, coming home angry, throwing things around my room and subsequently crying myself to sleep. It's funny what one little comment can do. Don't get me wrong...I fall in love with my body a little more every day. I like watching it shrink, lol. But my self-esteem hasn't always been good. It takes a million feel-good comments to make a person feel good...and sometimes only 1 offensive comment to make a person forget the million good comments they've heard. The funny thing about it is that by the next day, I wasn't pissed off anymore. Sarah got angrier overnight, and I got more mellow. I guess when you're used to getting kicked around, you get over it easier. She ended up talking to him and letting him know that he had offended me. He apparently knew what was coming out of his mouth as he said it and couldn't stop himself. He's a bit of a social retard, so I can excuse that. I do look forward to an apology, but I'm not holding my breath. Please record this incident as #746 why I fucking hate the male race. :-)
The next day, I was up bright and early to go to the Nutcracker! Joy and Amber got tickets and I was invited, so off we went! We had a good time...we ended up leaving at intermission because little Bailey didn't understand why she couldn't get up on the stage and dance--it was her turn! LOL! I was okay with leaving though--the Nutcracker is LONNNNNNNNNG (I've seen it before) and can be really boring for kids. Luckily Bailey was still smiling when we left so disaster was averted. :-P Anyway, we had fun. It's weird...gratitude runs over gratitude when I'm with Julie's family. Joy and Ted are so grateful towards me that I almost feel undeserving, and I have so much gratitude for them that I have a hard time putting it into words. I still miss Julie and think about her every single day. I wish she would have been around for Christmas. I miss that goofy laugh of hers. :-)
Last night's NYE party at Sarah's was much more mellow than last year...it was small and comfortable. I overindulged in Japanese plum wine and bourbon balls, combined with the other drinky-poos I had throughout the night. I spent the night--I know they only live a 1/2 mile away but I was intoxicated and I will never, EVER drive drunk. In the morning, I was greeted with coffee and breakfast (YAYZ!!) and made my way home. And today I have been a lazy slug, LOL! I can't party like I used to. :-P I absolutely love the friendships that I've cultivated here in KY. If I had it my way, I would hang out with Sarah, Erik, Karen and Than every single day. They are full of awesome, and I am lucky.
I don't really have any resolutions for 2010. I'm just going to keep moving onward and upward. I'll be back in school this year, I'll have to get a job, and I'm going to keep working on myself both inside and out. Men are on the back burner. Hell, men aren't even on the stove right now. I have other things to worry about, and frankly I'm just too bitter to be bothered with them. So...here's to a happy, healthy and fantastic 2010! I hope everyone has a better year than in 2009--it's time for some good juju!
Christmas was fantastic! Somehow, I managed to knit 4 hats in one month--and all of the hats fit their intended owners!!!! I'm super, super proud of myself and I really hope that Maggie, Evelyn, Candice and Angela all wear their hats often. I'm working on a pair of socks for Mom, then a pair of flip-top mittens for Joy and then holiday knitting will officially be OVER! YAY! Anyway, yes, Christmas was great. Everyone loved their gifts, and I loved mine too! I got all kinds of stuff to keep me warm--Christmas jammies, warm socks, thermal long-johns, the most ridiculously soft and warm robe EVER, and an electric blanket to top everything off, LOL! As I type, I'm wearing my Christmas jammie bottoms with a thermal long-john top and am covered up with my electric blanket (set to level 6 of 10--I should mention it's 18 degrees and supposed to snow). I'm toasty...ahhhhhhh. I also got a set of discs to play disc golf with when spring comes!!! I wasn't expecting it, and it was such an awesome surprise to get discs. It shows that my brother John actually pays attention to what I'm into. He's good for stuff like that--he got me the most amazing poker set a few years ago! I got various other functional and fun things for Christmas, but just wanted to mention the stuff that I absolutely love and will get the most use of. We did Christmas on Christmas Eve as always...it was a lot of fun and I love all of our little family traditions. Good food, good conversation, 2 dogs running around, Maggie and Evelyn's smiles when they open a present...it's all awesome. Christmas day is "in-law day" in our family, but as I have no in-laws I ended up spending the first part of the day with Joy and Ted and the second part of the day with Sarah and her family. It was a really great day. I actually get emotional thinking about it, because I have been so lucky to have been semi-adopted into the best families!!! I'm so glad I moved back to Kentucky...it's the best decision I've ever made.
A little backstory before I talk about the day after Christmas--there's this guy. He's one of the 2 shallow men that I was talking about in my previous post. He and I sorta got our wires crossed. See, I'm half-Polish and so is he. Before I even met him in person, I joked about making "Polish babies" with him. Well, I was half-joking, but who's counting? :-P Either way, I was never really serious about trying to hook up with this guy, because I KNEW he was not attracted to bigger girls (even though he was, at one time, fluffy in the middle). When I moved back to KY, I tried to make it clear to him that I wanted to be friends with him and NOTHING MORE. Anyway, I saw him on Christmas at Sarah's parents' house, and we complimented each other on our weight loss (31 lbs now!) and had friendly conversation through the night. I gave him my number so he could harass me to get a bike (on my to-do list since summer). The next day, he texted me and told me one of his favorite local bands was playing at Northside Tavern and suggested I come. I rarely go out, but when I do I really enjoy myself. So I decided it would be a new experience--find my way to the bar by myself, hang out with "Sarah's friend" without Sarah, listen to a cool band, have a drink or 2, and find my way back home. Dude...it was SO not like that. LOL. WTF. Turns out I spent longer on the drive and finding parking than I did actually listening to the band or hanging out. When I caught up with the guy, he was with 2 people I have heard of before but had never met. After introductions, the guy turns to me and says, "By the way, I'm TOTALLY not trying to hook up with you." I told him that wasn't what I was thinking, and what could have been a totally awkward situation was avoided. Oh...but it gets worse. After no more than 5 minutes of small talk, he says to the other girl in our current party (who weighs about 90lbs...) "Oh, I finally did it with a skinny chick and it was everything I hoped it would be. No offense to present company." and looks right at me. My jaw hit the floor, I gathered myself and said, "Gee, thanks" while rolling my eyes. I was so shellshocked, I couldn't even come up with some witty retort as usual. I went to move my car and thought about what he had just said...and I started to get more and more angry. I went back to the bar and they had moved to another area-I'd lost them. I was okay with that because I was there to see the band and I knew the guy was going to be a social butterfly--I had intended on doing this whole adventure on my own and was okay with that. But the longer I thought about the whole situation--HIM commenting on my weight loss, HIM asking for my number, HIM suggesting I come out to this bar, and then HIM insulting me to my face--the more pissed I got. I ended up leaving, coming home angry, throwing things around my room and subsequently crying myself to sleep. It's funny what one little comment can do. Don't get me wrong...I fall in love with my body a little more every day. I like watching it shrink, lol. But my self-esteem hasn't always been good. It takes a million feel-good comments to make a person feel good...and sometimes only 1 offensive comment to make a person forget the million good comments they've heard. The funny thing about it is that by the next day, I wasn't pissed off anymore. Sarah got angrier overnight, and I got more mellow. I guess when you're used to getting kicked around, you get over it easier. She ended up talking to him and letting him know that he had offended me. He apparently knew what was coming out of his mouth as he said it and couldn't stop himself. He's a bit of a social retard, so I can excuse that. I do look forward to an apology, but I'm not holding my breath. Please record this incident as #746 why I fucking hate the male race. :-)
The next day, I was up bright and early to go to the Nutcracker! Joy and Amber got tickets and I was invited, so off we went! We had a good time...we ended up leaving at intermission because little Bailey didn't understand why she couldn't get up on the stage and dance--it was her turn! LOL! I was okay with leaving though--the Nutcracker is LONNNNNNNNNG (I've seen it before) and can be really boring for kids. Luckily Bailey was still smiling when we left so disaster was averted. :-P Anyway, we had fun. It's weird...gratitude runs over gratitude when I'm with Julie's family. Joy and Ted are so grateful towards me that I almost feel undeserving, and I have so much gratitude for them that I have a hard time putting it into words. I still miss Julie and think about her every single day. I wish she would have been around for Christmas. I miss that goofy laugh of hers. :-)
Last night's NYE party at Sarah's was much more mellow than last year...it was small and comfortable. I overindulged in Japanese plum wine and bourbon balls, combined with the other drinky-poos I had throughout the night. I spent the night--I know they only live a 1/2 mile away but I was intoxicated and I will never, EVER drive drunk. In the morning, I was greeted with coffee and breakfast (YAYZ!!) and made my way home. And today I have been a lazy slug, LOL! I can't party like I used to. :-P I absolutely love the friendships that I've cultivated here in KY. If I had it my way, I would hang out with Sarah, Erik, Karen and Than every single day. They are full of awesome, and I am lucky.
I don't really have any resolutions for 2010. I'm just going to keep moving onward and upward. I'll be back in school this year, I'll have to get a job, and I'm going to keep working on myself both inside and out. Men are on the back burner. Hell, men aren't even on the stove right now. I have other things to worry about, and frankly I'm just too bitter to be bothered with them. So...here's to a happy, healthy and fantastic 2010! I hope everyone has a better year than in 2009--it's time for some good juju!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
It's been way too long again!
There has been little to no drama in my life lately, which is the main reason I haven't blogged, LOL! Everything has been mostly boring. Thanksgiving was nice--although I could have used some more room in my tummy to accommodate all of that food. It's been so damn cold lately! Right now as I type, it's 18 degrees outside. I am turning into a large block of ice. My nose and fingers are constantly freezing. It snowed last night and it was on the ground this morning when I woke up...that was really cool! It's been a long time since I've had a proper winter. I just wish it wasn't so damn cold outside, LOL!
I have come to a conclusion about men. I triple-dog-dare any of you to try to prove me wrong. Here is my conclusion--every single man (ie: no relationship, not married, etc) is a complete retard. There are plenty of nice married men out there. There are plenty of nice guys who are in long-term relationships. But that's it. No more nice single guys. Single men are either complete douches, or they're awesome but shallow. Some suffer from Peter Pan syndrome (never wanna grow up). Or they just want to fuck (falls under douche category). I have lost complete hope in men. I am exhausted of going on dates and feeling pressure to have sex right away. I am exhausted of finding 'average Joe' types attractive--because all an 'average Joe' wants is a smokin hot blonde. Fucking computer geeks spend way too much time online and their idea of what is actually attainable for them is COMPLETELY out of whack. So here are the categories again...
DOUCHE. This is the guy on match.com with his 5 pics of himself in different backwards ballcaps, 3 of which include 5+ of his even douchier friends. Probably tailgating. They are 99.9% shallow beings, and therefore ignored by me. Too bad there's no "non-douche" filter on match.com, LOL!
SHALLOW. I have the biggest problem with them, and I could go on for hours. There are 2 guys that I can think of off the top of my head that I would be a great match for. Both are on the goodlooking side of average, a little soft around the middle, with some underlying issues that would meld well with mine. However, they are both shallow fucks who would never consider dating me. Shallow people make me crazy.
PETER PAN SYNDROME. Look, I'm not being unrealistic here, am I? I'm 28. Most women my age are thinking about getting married and starting families. Why is it that so many men are hiding behind their PS3's and Wii's, WoW and Left4Dead?? Dude, GROW UP!!!!
JUST WANT TO FUCK. A guy knows within 5 seconds of meeting you whether or not he wants to fuck you. The problem is, I'm trying to *get to know* you. No, I will not fuck you on the first date. Because if I fuck you on a first date, there will probably not be a 2nd date. If there *is* a 2nd date, it will probably be you calling me for booty and not an actual date. Please try to get to know me a little bit before you try to put it in me. :-)
So yeah...I'm officially a bitter old lady. I'm gonna build up my yarn stash, get a couple of cats and prepare myself to live the rest of my life alone knitting with my kitties. It'll be awesome.
I have come to a conclusion about men. I triple-dog-dare any of you to try to prove me wrong. Here is my conclusion--every single man (ie: no relationship, not married, etc) is a complete retard. There are plenty of nice married men out there. There are plenty of nice guys who are in long-term relationships. But that's it. No more nice single guys. Single men are either complete douches, or they're awesome but shallow. Some suffer from Peter Pan syndrome (never wanna grow up). Or they just want to fuck (falls under douche category). I have lost complete hope in men. I am exhausted of going on dates and feeling pressure to have sex right away. I am exhausted of finding 'average Joe' types attractive--because all an 'average Joe' wants is a smokin hot blonde. Fucking computer geeks spend way too much time online and their idea of what is actually attainable for them is COMPLETELY out of whack. So here are the categories again...
DOUCHE. This is the guy on match.com with his 5 pics of himself in different backwards ballcaps, 3 of which include 5+ of his even douchier friends. Probably tailgating. They are 99.9% shallow beings, and therefore ignored by me. Too bad there's no "non-douche" filter on match.com, LOL!
SHALLOW. I have the biggest problem with them, and I could go on for hours. There are 2 guys that I can think of off the top of my head that I would be a great match for. Both are on the goodlooking side of average, a little soft around the middle, with some underlying issues that would meld well with mine. However, they are both shallow fucks who would never consider dating me. Shallow people make me crazy.
PETER PAN SYNDROME. Look, I'm not being unrealistic here, am I? I'm 28. Most women my age are thinking about getting married and starting families. Why is it that so many men are hiding behind their PS3's and Wii's, WoW and Left4Dead?? Dude, GROW UP!!!!
JUST WANT TO FUCK. A guy knows within 5 seconds of meeting you whether or not he wants to fuck you. The problem is, I'm trying to *get to know* you. No, I will not fuck you on the first date. Because if I fuck you on a first date, there will probably not be a 2nd date. If there *is* a 2nd date, it will probably be you calling me for booty and not an actual date. Please try to get to know me a little bit before you try to put it in me. :-)
So yeah...I'm officially a bitter old lady. I'm gonna build up my yarn stash, get a couple of cats and prepare myself to live the rest of my life alone knitting with my kitties. It'll be awesome.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Doing "okay".
I know it's been a while since I've updated...things got worse before they got better so I'm just now able to really sit back and update. My Mom was in the hospital for 6 days last week. She had a bad case of colitis and then her O2 levels dropped drastically. She was completely delirious for 5 days...it was really scary! She's at home now and feeling better. She's driving me crazy (6 days without cigarettes and she is STILL badgering me to get her some) but I'm holding my own. John and I picked her up a new TV today...FINALLY! She had an old tube TV that was on its last legs, and now she has a brand new LCD flatscreen. That should make her life a little more comfortable. We're also going to get new mattresses. We need them desperately. So that's what's going on at home for now.
I'm like a walking billboard for chiropractic care right now. Between all of the stress in my life, my weight, my poor posture, etc etc etc...my back and neck were a mess. They hurt every single day, all day. I had to bend over and crack my back to get relief, and cracked my neck constantly. I started seeing Dr. Nick (a guy I marched with in high school and who is now the best chiropractor EVAR...) a few weeks ago, right after Julie's services. I feel SO much better. I've been seeing him twice a week, and it's obvious that I'm getting better. I no longer crack my back OR neck (OMG!). It happens occasionally out of habit with my neck, but I would say I don't do it more than once every couple of days. Putting my bones back where they belong has been one of the best things I've been doing for my health. I'm still not done with my appointments--I may be feeling a bit better but there is still much more work to be done. My first adjustment, EVERYTHING cracked, and loudly. Now it's getting a little less intense. Anyway, if ya ever need a chiropractor, you know who to ask. ;-)
I'm knitting my brains out. I have a hat for Maggie on the needles, the 2nd baby sock I haven't finished, the never-ending cardigan, and a scarf. All unfinished projects, LOL! Funniest part is that I'm about to order myself a full set of needles and MORE yarn. There are so many people I'd like to make things for this Christmas. I got a jump-start on Maggie, but I also want to knit for Evelyn and a shit-ton of other people. The kicker--the yarn I'm ordering is for myself, LOL! I'm going to make myself a hat, scarf and fingerless glove set. I have yarn for Maggie and Evelyn, but to make stuff for other people is going to be more money for yarn. I need to go shopping, for sure. And I need to get my ass moving on these projects because Christmas is right around the corner.
My attitude is still...well...my attitude. Things are looking up for the most part, and returning back to some kind of "normal". I hate not having Julie around...I miss her and think about her every single day. I've accepted that Mike and I just aren't meant to be. Now I'm on match.com and we'll see how that turns out. I'm making an effort to have a REAL journal...not a blog but a private journal where I can put the deep, dark thoughts. Overall, everything is okay. I look forward to keeping up my streak, LOL!
I'm like a walking billboard for chiropractic care right now. Between all of the stress in my life, my weight, my poor posture, etc etc etc...my back and neck were a mess. They hurt every single day, all day. I had to bend over and crack my back to get relief, and cracked my neck constantly. I started seeing Dr. Nick (a guy I marched with in high school and who is now the best chiropractor EVAR...) a few weeks ago, right after Julie's services. I feel SO much better. I've been seeing him twice a week, and it's obvious that I'm getting better. I no longer crack my back OR neck (OMG!). It happens occasionally out of habit with my neck, but I would say I don't do it more than once every couple of days. Putting my bones back where they belong has been one of the best things I've been doing for my health. I'm still not done with my appointments--I may be feeling a bit better but there is still much more work to be done. My first adjustment, EVERYTHING cracked, and loudly. Now it's getting a little less intense. Anyway, if ya ever need a chiropractor, you know who to ask. ;-)
I'm knitting my brains out. I have a hat for Maggie on the needles, the 2nd baby sock I haven't finished, the never-ending cardigan, and a scarf. All unfinished projects, LOL! Funniest part is that I'm about to order myself a full set of needles and MORE yarn. There are so many people I'd like to make things for this Christmas. I got a jump-start on Maggie, but I also want to knit for Evelyn and a shit-ton of other people. The kicker--the yarn I'm ordering is for myself, LOL! I'm going to make myself a hat, scarf and fingerless glove set. I have yarn for Maggie and Evelyn, but to make stuff for other people is going to be more money for yarn. I need to go shopping, for sure. And I need to get my ass moving on these projects because Christmas is right around the corner.
My attitude is still...well...my attitude. Things are looking up for the most part, and returning back to some kind of "normal". I hate not having Julie around...I miss her and think about her every single day. I've accepted that Mike and I just aren't meant to be. Now I'm on match.com and we'll see how that turns out. I'm making an effort to have a REAL journal...not a blog but a private journal where I can put the deep, dark thoughts. Overall, everything is okay. I look forward to keeping up my streak, LOL!
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Rough days and remembering Julie
Beautiful, carefree Julie.
My autographed Playbill
My poor, poor little car.The last time I posted was Tuesday, it is now Saturday (happy Halloween/Samhain to all of you...). It feels like it's been a damn month. Here's what's been happening.
To tell you the truth, my entire life has been a blur and I have been reminded 3 times today that it's Saturday (I just had to check again to write it...). Tuesday, I slept until about 2:30pm after having been up all night with Julie/Joy/Ted/etc. I went to Sarah's where she picked up my fragile little pieces and put me back together with some good music and knitting. And lots of hugs from Jack, the best dog ever. She fixed my baby sock (the toe was jacked up) and when Erik came in he put it on his fingers and made a puppet. I couldn't have gotten through Tuesday without my Mom, Sarah, Jack (he totally deserves credit) and Erik. Thinking back to that day, I was a complete emotional wreck. Mom, Sarah and Erik all did their very best to cheer me up in their own special ways. The support that I got from EVERYONE was amazing...thank you so much!!!! I am so touched that people were concerned about me. Elise (whom I love more than I can say), Brianna (the most supportive sister ever), Jamie (who will listen to me rant and cry for hours)...I'm just so touched.
Wednesday, I had plans to go to Sarah's and do some baking for Joy and Ted while Mom cooked at home. But Beth Darnell, a girl I was in colorguard with and have known since 8th grade invited me to go see RENT!! I didn't know it was here in Cincinnati and was SOOOOOO excited because not only was it opening night, but Anthony Rapp and Adam Pascal (the original "Mark" and "Roger" from the Broadway series) are touring with this company and playing their original roles! Ever since RENT started on Broadway, the first 2 rows have always been cheapest. There is a lottery system, and if they call your number you can get 2 tickets in the first 2 rows for $20 apiece. The lines for lottery tickets are legendary. So Beth and I showed up at around 4pm (show was at 8) and we were 3rd and 4th in the lottery line! Beth's ticket got called so we got 2 tickets, and then the nicest lady offered to sell us one of her $20 tickets so Beth's fiance could come. Let me tell you...I was so excited!!! We saw Anthony Rapp while we were waiting for the lottery numbers to be called, and it all kinda hit me that I was going to be watching him LIVE! It was epic. Anyway, the show was incredible. Absolutely incredible. We were so close to the stage (2nd row center!!!!) that we could see that Adam Pascal was wearing mascara so thick it was clumped. Fo realz. We could see the sweat, and we could see when they spit a little when they sang. :-p The entire cast was great. Usually there is at least one actor in RENT that simply isn't right for the role. Every single person on that stage could act and sing their asses off. It was INCREDIBLE!!! After the show, we went to the stage door and got Anthony and Adam's autographs. EPIC! I cannot begin to tell you how powerful it was to be that close to these actors I admire playing their best roles.
I imagine most people who read my blog aren't big fans of RENT. But there is a scene where one of the characters dies and Mark is outside of the church after the funeral. The song is called "Halloween", because that was the day of the funeral. As Anthony Rapp sang, I sobbed...
How did we get here?
How the hell...
Pan left -- close on the steeple of the church
How did I get here?
How the hell...
Christmas.
Christmas Eve -- last year
How could a night so frozen be so scalding hot?
How can a morning this mild be so raw?
Why are entire years strewn
On the cutting room floor of memory...
When single frames from one magic night
Forever flicker in close-up
On the 3D Imax of my mind
That's poetic.
That's pathetic.
Why did Mimi knock on Roger's door?
And Collins choose that phone booth
Back where Angel set up his drums?
Why did Maureen's equipment break down?
Why am I the witness?
And when I capture it on film
Will it mean that it's the end
And I'm alone...
It's just so ironic that Christmas is when I decided to move back to KY. Today is Halloween, and Julie's graveside service. Watching that show and listening to the words of the music...it truly is amazing what a year (525,600 minutes) can bring. What kind of changes can happen. I am sooooo grateful to Beth for inviting me to see the show with her. I needed to get out, get some perspective, and have a good time. And I really, really did.
Thursday, Sarah and I baked pasties while my Mom made her world famous chicken enchiladas (dude, why didn't I move home sooner???) for Joy and Ted. When I went to drop them off, I was met with a surprise! One of Julie's best friends was a guy named Brady. It JUST SO HAPPENS that Brady was my assistant area coordinator (live-in resident advisor, but he was in charge of a few dorms) at EKU. He was the one I ran to when my roommate was about to move out. He was always so sweet to me. I had no idea that "Julie's Brady" was my Brady too, LOL! Anyway, Brady and Amber were both over there so I ended up sticking around and watching Survivor with everyone and chatting. Then Lora came, so I ended up staying even later. It was a really good night. Everyone is so sad about Julie and we miss her so much. But it's so much easier to deal with when there are other people around. I love hearing stories about her, and I've heard MANY over the past few days. Julie would not have wanted us to sit around and cry and be miserable. Julie would have insisted that we party, and we did!
Yesterday was the visitation. It was supposed to be from 4-7p, then a service from 7-8. I showed up at about 4:15 and there was already at least 50 people there. I was overwhelmed and so happy to see so many people at Julie's service. By the time the service started, the funeral home had to add chairs in a room off to the side of the main room, and add an extra row of seats in the main room. There were a LOT of people there. The overall vibe was good...people (including me) broke down from time to time but for the most part it was good. Mike and his family were incredibly stand-offish, but it was better that way. There were lots of pictures, beautiful flowers, and just tons and tons of people reliving memories of Julie. It's incredible how many lives she touched. It was unlike any visitation I've ever been to...I'm used to morbid wakes, open caskets, people crying. There was laughter all over that funeral home, and Julie would have loved it. The service was beautiful, although very sad. The preacher was my least favorite ever (after the first 10 times he said the word "Christ" I wanted to start counting...) but he provided a laugh to the entire room when he screwed up the Lord's prayer. Hee hee. Julie's Grandfather spoke and told us the exact square mileage of Heaven, ROFL. He's pretty religious, and went into a short diatribe about how we should all get to know Jesus so we can see Julie in heaven. Here's my opinion--If heaven exists, I will get there based on my virtue and not my beliefs. I will never subscribe to a religion. I believe that there is a power greater than myself, and it is convenient to call it God. If heaven exists, God owns it. Not Jesus, or Muhammad, or any other middle-men that religions have provided. I prefer to believe that Julie's spirit is with us. I believe she is dancing her ass off. And laughing with us. And pushing us all closer together. That's what she would have wanted. Just as I feel Cioci Denise is barefoot and braless, playing bongos in heaven. Heaven is what she would have wanted. Kalin is on a beach somewhere, carefree and beautiful. Barbra is at the most fabulous gay club ever. Jami is watching her little girl grow up. It may sound silly...but that's just the way I feel about what happens to our spirits when we die.
After the services at the funeral home, a bunch of us went to Joy and Ted's and we ended up having a massive party. There was a ton of wine, more food than we could handle (there were probably 20-25 people who came and went throughout the night), and so many fantastic stories!!! So many people love Julie, and she affected so many lives. It was so good to see everyone at the services and at the party--it was good to catch up with people I hadn't seen in years (Heather especially) and I was introduced to a lot of Julie's friends whom I had heard so much about. It was a really, really good time and Julie would have had a BLAST. So, during our "funeral party" there was some kind of Halloween party or something going on next door. There were a bunch of teenagers/young adults there, and the party got busted by the cops. When I went to leave Joy and Ted's house around 1am, I was standing under their carport when I heard tires and crunching metal. I looked over and saw that a truck had just hit something, then did a double take and realized it was *MY* car! He stopped for a moment (just far away enough that I couldn't see his plate)...and then he drove off!!!! We called the police (thank you to Joe and Brady for holding my pieces together during that BS!) and they came out again. The driver's side front bumper of my car is totally dented in. The officer went back to the house he had JUST been at to find out who hit my car. They caught the guy just down the street, YAY! I've never had any kind of accident or damage to my car, so I had no idea what to do. I'll pick up the police report on Monday and call the guy's insurance company so I can get my bumper fixed ASAP.
Today was Julie's graveside service. It was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. It was cold and drizzling, and the mood was much more sad than yesterday. Amber brought balloons, and some of us wrote notes and tied them. It was beautiful to see them all go, but at the same time it was sad. It feels so final...she's really gone. It feels weird to come over and not turn into the living room and say "Hello beautiful!" to Julie and see that smile. I just hope she realizes how much she means to me and how much she taught me. She has changed my life and the way I think about a LOT of things. I used to tell her all about my relationship issues, and she was all smiles when I told her about Mike. I showed her pictures, and she seemed so happy. I never had the heart to tell her we broke up...she was so sick and I knew it would make her sad. She only wanted me to find a decent man. I can promise Julie right here and now...I will find a decent man. I will not settle. I will make sure that he treats me the way I deserve, and that he respects me. If there's one thing I learned from Julie...it's to be careful in choosing a mate. She ended up with a real fucktard and I'm glad I never have to see him again. Sometimes I get so caught up thinking about how much I want to get married and have kids that I lose sight of what kind of QUALITY I'm looking for. So I am forever grateful to Julie for that lesson...it's a big one!! There are a hundred other examples of how she changed my life and taught me lessons, but I'll leave it at that for now. Sad that my longest entries are always after funerals...
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
*Sigh*
As those of you who have already seen my blog today know...Julie died this morning. She went very peacefully and comfortably, and was in no pain. I went there last night to spend the night so that Joy could sleep. I sat on the couch knitting while Julie slept in the recliner. I put down my knitting and laid down on the couch, and was listening to her breathe. The rhythm suddenly stopped, and I jumped up and ran up the stairs, calling for Joy and Ted. We came downstairs, Julie took 2 more breaths, and she was gone. At 4:12am on October 27, 2009, Julie Marie Dickmeyer Zerhusen was finally released from her body so she could dance again. She was 31 years old.
I don't have words to describe how I'm feeling. I've been trying all day. About 5 minutes before Julie died when I laid on the couch, I remember telling myself that it was going to be okay, that she was going to make it through the night, and I should let the rhythm of her breaths lull me into at least a 45 minute long nap. It's amazing how fast it happened. Amber came over, then John, Joe and Angel followed. Mike came. We cried and talked and comforted each other. My heart breaks for the whole family. Joy, John and Ted were her parents. They are beside themselves. John had been in a pretty good amount of denial for a long time, so this has hit him really hard. Amber and Joe are her siblings...I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a sibling so young. Amber and Julie were especially close and my heart just breaks for her. Mike was her husband...I may never understand the kind of relationship they shared but it is obvious that they loved each other. I know this is going to sound really cheesy, but I seriously feel bad for Julie's dog, Baxter. He was on the couch when she took her last breaths, and didn't move from his spot until 2 hours later when the funeral directors took Julie away. Those who know Baxter, know that he is a very energetic thing and will run out of the door at a moment's notice. People came and went, the funeral directors propped open the door, and he never moved. He didn't follow anyone from room to room like normal. That's the first time I've seen REAL and TRUE grief from an animal. For Lora and Heather, her best friends...I just can't imagine. Sarah held my pieces together today...I can't imagine losing her.
I really can't put it all into words. How much I loved Julie. How much I learned from her. How glad I am that she doesn't have to suffer anymore. The love I have for her family. The respect I have for Joy and Ted especially. The gratitude that Julie allowed me into her life at such a difficult time. The sadness of knowing I'll never see her again, hear her laugh, hold her hand or give her a hug. The trauma of not only having several people in my life die over the past 6 months or so...but watching 2 of them die with my own eyes. The pride in my friends who have donated to Julie's family. The hope that Julie's brain donation will do so much good for the research of frontotemporal dementia (and FTDP-17 specifically) so that nobody else will ever have to go through what Julie did. I've got a full emotional spectrum going on right now, and it really is difficult to put it into words.
Julie, you are missed and loved by so many people.
Funeral arrangements are posted on the caringbridge site-- http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/juliez. Donations can still be made via the blogspot. I look forward to seeing a lot of folks I haven't seen in a long time...I'm just sick about the reason.
I don't have words to describe how I'm feeling. I've been trying all day. About 5 minutes before Julie died when I laid on the couch, I remember telling myself that it was going to be okay, that she was going to make it through the night, and I should let the rhythm of her breaths lull me into at least a 45 minute long nap. It's amazing how fast it happened. Amber came over, then John, Joe and Angel followed. Mike came. We cried and talked and comforted each other. My heart breaks for the whole family. Joy, John and Ted were her parents. They are beside themselves. John had been in a pretty good amount of denial for a long time, so this has hit him really hard. Amber and Joe are her siblings...I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a sibling so young. Amber and Julie were especially close and my heart just breaks for her. Mike was her husband...I may never understand the kind of relationship they shared but it is obvious that they loved each other. I know this is going to sound really cheesy, but I seriously feel bad for Julie's dog, Baxter. He was on the couch when she took her last breaths, and didn't move from his spot until 2 hours later when the funeral directors took Julie away. Those who know Baxter, know that he is a very energetic thing and will run out of the door at a moment's notice. People came and went, the funeral directors propped open the door, and he never moved. He didn't follow anyone from room to room like normal. That's the first time I've seen REAL and TRUE grief from an animal. For Lora and Heather, her best friends...I just can't imagine. Sarah held my pieces together today...I can't imagine losing her.
I really can't put it all into words. How much I loved Julie. How much I learned from her. How glad I am that she doesn't have to suffer anymore. The love I have for her family. The respect I have for Joy and Ted especially. The gratitude that Julie allowed me into her life at such a difficult time. The sadness of knowing I'll never see her again, hear her laugh, hold her hand or give her a hug. The trauma of not only having several people in my life die over the past 6 months or so...but watching 2 of them die with my own eyes. The pride in my friends who have donated to Julie's family. The hope that Julie's brain donation will do so much good for the research of frontotemporal dementia (and FTDP-17 specifically) so that nobody else will ever have to go through what Julie did. I've got a full emotional spectrum going on right now, and it really is difficult to put it into words.
Julie, you are missed and loved by so many people.
Funeral arrangements are posted on the caringbridge site-- http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/juliez. Donations can still be made via the blogspot. I look forward to seeing a lot of folks I haven't seen in a long time...I'm just sick about the reason.
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