Doing "okay".

I know it's been a while since I've updated...things got worse before they got better so I'm just now able to really sit back and update. My Mom was in the hospital for 6 days last week. She had a bad case of colitis and then her O2 levels dropped drastically. She was completely delirious for 5 days...it was really scary! She's at home now and feeling better. She's driving me crazy (6 days without cigarettes and she is STILL badgering me to get her some) but I'm holding my own. John and I picked her up a new TV today...FINALLY! She had an old tube TV that was on its last legs, and now she has a brand new LCD flatscreen. That should make her life a little more comfortable. We're also going to get new mattresses. We need them desperately. So that's what's going on at home for now.

I'm like a walking billboard for chiropractic care right now. Between all of the stress in my life, my weight, my poor posture, etc etc etc...my back and neck were a mess. They hurt every single day, all day. I had to bend over and crack my back to get relief, and cracked my neck constantly. I started seeing Dr. Nick (a guy I marched with in high school and who is now the best chiropractor EVAR...) a few weeks ago, right after Julie's services. I feel SO much better. I've been seeing him twice a week, and it's obvious that I'm getting better. I no longer crack my back OR neck (OMG!). It happens occasionally out of habit with my neck, but I would say I don't do it more than once every couple of days. Putting my bones back where they belong has been one of the best things I've been doing for my health. I'm still not done with my appointments--I may be feeling a bit better but there is still much more work to be done. My first adjustment, EVERYTHING cracked, and loudly. Now it's getting a little less intense. Anyway, if ya ever need a chiropractor, you know who to ask. ;-)

I'm knitting my brains out. I have a hat for Maggie on the needles, the 2nd baby sock I haven't finished, the never-ending cardigan, and a scarf. All unfinished projects, LOL! Funniest part is that I'm about to order myself a full set of needles and MORE yarn. There are so many people I'd like to make things for this Christmas. I got a jump-start on Maggie, but I also want to knit for Evelyn and a shit-ton of other people. The kicker--the yarn I'm ordering is for myself, LOL! I'm going to make myself a hat, scarf and fingerless glove set. I have yarn for Maggie and Evelyn, but to make stuff for other people is going to be more money for yarn. I need to go shopping, for sure. And I need to get my ass moving on these projects because Christmas is right around the corner.

My attitude is still...well...my attitude. Things are looking up for the most part, and returning back to some kind of "normal". I hate not having Julie around...I miss her and think about her every single day. I've accepted that Mike and I just aren't meant to be. Now I'm on match.com and we'll see how that turns out. I'm making an effort to have a REAL journal...not a blog but a private journal where I can put the deep, dark thoughts. Overall, everything is okay. I look forward to keeping up my streak, LOL!

Rough days and remembering Julie

Beautiful, carefree Julie.

My autographed Playbill

My poor, poor little car.

The last time I posted was Tuesday, it is now Saturday (happy Halloween/Samhain to all of you...). It feels like it's been a damn month. Here's what's been happening.

To tell you the truth, my entire life has been a blur and I have been reminded 3 times today that it's Saturday (I just had to check again to write it...). Tuesday, I slept until about 2:30pm after having been up all night with Julie/Joy/Ted/etc. I went to Sarah's where she picked up my fragile little pieces and put me back together with some good music and knitting. And lots of hugs from Jack, the best dog ever. She fixed my baby sock (the toe was jacked up) and when Erik came in he put it on his fingers and made a puppet. I couldn't have gotten through Tuesday without my Mom, Sarah, Jack (he totally deserves credit) and Erik. Thinking back to that day, I was a complete emotional wreck. Mom, Sarah and Erik all did their very best to cheer me up in their own special ways. The support that I got from EVERYONE was amazing...thank you so much!!!! I am so touched that people were concerned about me. Elise (whom I love more than I can say), Brianna (the most supportive sister ever), Jamie (who will listen to me rant and cry for hours)...I'm just so touched.

Wednesday, I had plans to go to Sarah's and do some baking for Joy and Ted while Mom cooked at home. But Beth Darnell, a girl I was in colorguard with and have known since 8th grade invited me to go see RENT!! I didn't know it was here in Cincinnati and was SOOOOOO excited because not only was it opening night, but Anthony Rapp and Adam Pascal (the original "Mark" and "Roger" from the Broadway series) are touring with this company and playing their original roles! Ever since RENT started on Broadway, the first 2 rows have always been cheapest. There is a lottery system, and if they call your number you can get 2 tickets in the first 2 rows for $20 apiece. The lines for lottery tickets are legendary. So Beth and I showed up at around 4pm (show was at 8) and we were 3rd and 4th in the lottery line! Beth's ticket got called so we got 2 tickets, and then the nicest lady offered to sell us one of her $20 tickets so Beth's fiance could come. Let me tell you...I was so excited!!! We saw Anthony Rapp while we were waiting for the lottery numbers to be called, and it all kinda hit me that I was going to be watching him LIVE! It was epic. Anyway, the show was incredible. Absolutely incredible. We were so close to the stage (2nd row center!!!!) that we could see that Adam Pascal was wearing mascara so thick it was clumped. Fo realz. We could see the sweat, and we could see when they spit a little when they sang. :-p The entire cast was great. Usually there is at least one actor in RENT that simply isn't right for the role. Every single person on that stage could act and sing their asses off. It was INCREDIBLE!!! After the show, we went to the stage door and got Anthony and Adam's autographs. EPIC! I cannot begin to tell you how powerful it was to be that close to these actors I admire playing their best roles.

I imagine most people who read my blog aren't big fans of RENT. But there is a scene where one of the characters dies and Mark is outside of the church after the funeral. The song is called "Halloween", because that was the day of the funeral. As Anthony Rapp sang, I sobbed...

How did we get here?
How the hell...
Pan left -- close on the steeple of the church
How did I get here?
How the hell...
Christmas.
Christmas Eve -- last year
How could a night so frozen be so scalding hot?
How can a morning this mild be so raw?
Why are entire years strewn
On the cutting room floor of memory...
When single frames from one magic night
Forever flicker in close-up
On the 3D Imax of my mind
That's poetic.
That's pathetic.
Why did Mimi knock on Roger's door?
And Collins choose that phone booth
Back where Angel set up his drums?
Why did Maureen's equipment break down?
Why am I the witness?
And when I capture it on film
Will it mean that it's the end
And I'm alone...

It's just so ironic that Christmas is when I decided to move back to KY. Today is Halloween, and Julie's graveside service. Watching that show and listening to the words of the music...it truly is amazing what a year (525,600 minutes) can bring. What kind of changes can happen. I am sooooo grateful to Beth for inviting me to see the show with her. I needed to get out, get some perspective, and have a good time. And I really, really did.

Thursday, Sarah and I baked pasties while my Mom made her world famous chicken enchiladas (dude, why didn't I move home sooner???) for Joy and Ted. When I went to drop them off, I was met with a surprise! One of Julie's best friends was a guy named Brady. It JUST SO HAPPENS that Brady was my assistant area coordinator (live-in resident advisor, but he was in charge of a few dorms) at EKU. He was the one I ran to when my roommate was about to move out. He was always so sweet to me. I had no idea that "Julie's Brady" was my Brady too, LOL! Anyway, Brady and Amber were both over there so I ended up sticking around and watching Survivor with everyone and chatting. Then Lora came, so I ended up staying even later. It was a really good night. Everyone is so sad about Julie and we miss her so much. But it's so much easier to deal with when there are other people around. I love hearing stories about her, and I've heard MANY over the past few days. Julie would not have wanted us to sit around and cry and be miserable. Julie would have insisted that we party, and we did!

Yesterday was the visitation. It was supposed to be from 4-7p, then a service from 7-8. I showed up at about 4:15 and there was already at least 50 people there. I was overwhelmed and so happy to see so many people at Julie's service. By the time the service started, the funeral home had to add chairs in a room off to the side of the main room, and add an extra row of seats in the main room. There were a LOT of people there. The overall vibe was good...people (including me) broke down from time to time but for the most part it was good. Mike and his family were incredibly stand-offish, but it was better that way. There were lots of pictures, beautiful flowers, and just tons and tons of people reliving memories of Julie. It's incredible how many lives she touched. It was unlike any visitation I've ever been to...I'm used to morbid wakes, open caskets, people crying. There was laughter all over that funeral home, and Julie would have loved it. The service was beautiful, although very sad. The preacher was my least favorite ever (after the first 10 times he said the word "Christ" I wanted to start counting...) but he provided a laugh to the entire room when he screwed up the Lord's prayer. Hee hee. Julie's Grandfather spoke and told us the exact square mileage of Heaven, ROFL. He's pretty religious, and went into a short diatribe about how we should all get to know Jesus so we can see Julie in heaven. Here's my opinion--If heaven exists, I will get there based on my virtue and not my beliefs. I will never subscribe to a religion. I believe that there is a power greater than myself, and it is convenient to call it God. If heaven exists, God owns it. Not Jesus, or Muhammad, or any other middle-men that religions have provided. I prefer to believe that Julie's spirit is with us. I believe she is dancing her ass off. And laughing with us. And pushing us all closer together. That's what she would have wanted. Just as I feel Cioci Denise is barefoot and braless, playing bongos in heaven. Heaven is what she would have wanted. Kalin is on a beach somewhere, carefree and beautiful. Barbra is at the most fabulous gay club ever. Jami is watching her little girl grow up. It may sound silly...but that's just the way I feel about what happens to our spirits when we die.

After the services at the funeral home, a bunch of us went to Joy and Ted's and we ended up having a massive party. There was a ton of wine, more food than we could handle (there were probably 20-25 people who came and went throughout the night), and so many fantastic stories!!! So many people love Julie, and she affected so many lives. It was so good to see everyone at the services and at the party--it was good to catch up with people I hadn't seen in years (Heather especially) and I was introduced to a lot of Julie's friends whom I had heard so much about. It was a really, really good time and Julie would have had a BLAST. So, during our "funeral party" there was some kind of Halloween party or something going on next door. There were a bunch of teenagers/young adults there, and the party got busted by the cops. When I went to leave Joy and Ted's house around 1am, I was standing under their carport when I heard tires and crunching metal. I looked over and saw that a truck had just hit something, then did a double take and realized it was *MY* car! He stopped for a moment (just far away enough that I couldn't see his plate)...and then he drove off!!!! We called the police (thank you to Joe and Brady for holding my pieces together during that BS!) and they came out again. The driver's side front bumper of my car is totally dented in. The officer went back to the house he had JUST been at to find out who hit my car. They caught the guy just down the street, YAY! I've never had any kind of accident or damage to my car, so I had no idea what to do. I'll pick up the police report on Monday and call the guy's insurance company so I can get my bumper fixed ASAP.

Today was Julie's graveside service. It was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. It was cold and drizzling, and the mood was much more sad than yesterday. Amber brought balloons, and some of us wrote notes and tied them. It was beautiful to see them all go, but at the same time it was sad. It feels so final...she's really gone. It feels weird to come over and not turn into the living room and say "Hello beautiful!" to Julie and see that smile. I just hope she realizes how much she means to me and how much she taught me. She has changed my life and the way I think about a LOT of things. I used to tell her all about my relationship issues, and she was all smiles when I told her about Mike. I showed her pictures, and she seemed so happy. I never had the heart to tell her we broke up...she was so sick and I knew it would make her sad. She only wanted me to find a decent man. I can promise Julie right here and now...I will find a decent man. I will not settle. I will make sure that he treats me the way I deserve, and that he respects me. If there's one thing I learned from Julie...it's to be careful in choosing a mate. She ended up with a real fucktard and I'm glad I never have to see him again. Sometimes I get so caught up thinking about how much I want to get married and have kids that I lose sight of what kind of QUALITY I'm looking for. So I am forever grateful to Julie for that lesson...it's a big one!! There are a hundred other examples of how she changed my life and taught me lessons, but I'll leave it at that for now. Sad that my longest entries are always after funerals...

*Sigh*

As those of you who have already seen my blog today know...Julie died this morning. She went very peacefully and comfortably, and was in no pain. I went there last night to spend the night so that Joy could sleep. I sat on the couch knitting while Julie slept in the recliner. I put down my knitting and laid down on the couch, and was listening to her breathe. The rhythm suddenly stopped, and I jumped up and ran up the stairs, calling for Joy and Ted. We came downstairs, Julie took 2 more breaths, and she was gone. At 4:12am on October 27, 2009, Julie Marie Dickmeyer Zerhusen was finally released from her body so she could dance again. She was 31 years old.

I don't have words to describe how I'm feeling. I've been trying all day. About 5 minutes before Julie died when I laid on the couch, I remember telling myself that it was going to be okay, that she was going to make it through the night, and I should let the rhythm of her breaths lull me into at least a 45 minute long nap. It's amazing how fast it happened. Amber came over, then John, Joe and Angel followed. Mike came. We cried and talked and comforted each other. My heart breaks for the whole family. Joy, John and Ted were her parents. They are beside themselves. John had been in a pretty good amount of denial for a long time, so this has hit him really hard. Amber and Joe are her siblings...I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a sibling so young. Amber and Julie were especially close and my heart just breaks for her. Mike was her husband...I may never understand the kind of relationship they shared but it is obvious that they loved each other. I know this is going to sound really cheesy, but I seriously feel bad for Julie's dog, Baxter. He was on the couch when she took her last breaths, and didn't move from his spot until 2 hours later when the funeral directors took Julie away. Those who know Baxter, know that he is a very energetic thing and will run out of the door at a moment's notice. People came and went, the funeral directors propped open the door, and he never moved. He didn't follow anyone from room to room like normal. That's the first time I've seen REAL and TRUE grief from an animal. For Lora and Heather, her best friends...I just can't imagine. Sarah held my pieces together today...I can't imagine losing her.

I really can't put it all into words. How much I loved Julie. How much I learned from her. How glad I am that she doesn't have to suffer anymore. The love I have for her family. The respect I have for Joy and Ted especially. The gratitude that Julie allowed me into her life at such a difficult time. The sadness of knowing I'll never see her again, hear her laugh, hold her hand or give her a hug. The trauma of not only having several people in my life die over the past 6 months or so...but watching 2 of them die with my own eyes. The pride in my friends who have donated to Julie's family. The hope that Julie's brain donation will do so much good for the research of frontotemporal dementia (and FTDP-17 specifically) so that nobody else will ever have to go through what Julie did. I've got a full emotional spectrum going on right now, and it really is difficult to put it into words.

Julie, you are missed and loved by so many people.

Funeral arrangements are posted on the caringbridge site-- http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/juliez. Donations can still be made via the blogspot. I look forward to seeing a lot of folks I haven't seen in a long time...I'm just sick about the reason.

Our beautiful girl is gone.

Julie died at 4:12am this morning. Joy, Ted and I were there. More to follow when I can find the words...

Update on Julie.

Saw Julie again last night...*sigh*. She's looking worse and worse every time I see her and it breaks my heart. She is almost completely unresponsive. She makes no eye contact. Her right arm is still tight to her body, but her left arm is totally loose and useless. In the wheelchair, she must have someone behind her or her head falls backwards. Such a beautiful girl...I can't believe she won't be in my life anymore. Joy and Ted told me that she has been aspirating and/or choking almost every time they try to give her something to drink. So they're not giving her as much liquid as they were before. Frankly, I completely agree with their decision. Julie is going to die...the focus just needs to be on making her as comfortable as possible. If she continues to aspirate, she's going to develop pneumonia and that is not a pretty or comfortable way to die. Considering the fact that she has basically been refusing food and liquids for a week now, she's going to dehydrate and hopefully she will simply slip away in her sleep. Ugh, I hate talking about this. But I owe it to myself to remember every step of this journey that I've embarked on with Julie and her family...even the sad stuff. It makes me sad that in just a couple of weeks, so much has changed with her. She's not "Julie" anymore...even the Julie I knew. I just hope that when the time comes, she dies comfortably with no pain. She doesn't appear to be in any pain now. I'm going over there tonight to spend the night...poor Joy hasn't been sleeping so I've volunteered to spend the night and keep an eye on Julie so she can sleep. They had a family member spend the night last night, so hopefully that went well. I have a big THANK YOU for my sister Brianna...she is the most wonderful and supportive sister ever and has made a donation for Julie. I'm sorry my thoughts are so jumbled...there is so much to say about this. Part of me wants to write every detail so that I can remember. The other part of me wants to shield anyone who isn't able to be here. I don't ever want to upset people with my blogs. I just want people to know that Julie is going to die with dignity and respect and love. Joy and Ted are the most amazing people...I don't know if I'd be able to do what they've done for Julie. They have been selfless, considerate, loving, compassionate...and they have done everything they can do to keep Julie happy and comfortable. All the while, they have continued to be selfless, considerate, loving and compassionate towards EVERYONE they come in contact with. I feel like they've adopted me. It's not fair that they have to watch their daughter die. It's not fair for Amber or Joe, or John or even Mike (her "husband" and I use that term loosely). It's not fair for Bailey or the 2 new babies on the way. It's not fair for Heather and Lora to lose someone they've loved for so long. None of it is fair. I'm sure I'll be able to see all of the lessons in this later, but for right now I cry for Julie's family and friends. And for myself, because she has definitely become my friend through all of this. :-(

Nothing new.

Nothing much new on the Julie front...I went over there today for a bit. She can't stand on her own at all anymore. Poor Ted has to lift her, turn her, and put her back down again every time she needs to move. Joy and Ted have been giving her juice and strawberry milk with a large eyedropper in her mouth. She's lost so much weight I can't believe it...I helped change her today and couldn't believe how thin she was. She's still hanging on, though. The only true development has been that Julie's husband has gone from being King Douche to The Grand Czar of Douchebaggery overnight. I will probably never understand his actions, but I guess they're not for me to understand.

I woke up this morning, sad. Thinking about how much I really could have used Mike's hugs just made me sadder. I really hope he meant what he said about staying friends. It drives me crazy that we seemed so perfect for each other and I can't be with him. It's infuriating and it makes me so sad.

I still don't understand any of this...people who read my blog know that I am able to write pretty eloquently and express my feelings really well. But I am simply so sad over everything that has happened over the past week that I don't really have any words to describe it. I know I have a support system, but it hurts when the one person you want to run to (the one who gives the best hugs :-p) can't be there for you. It hurts to know that soon, I won't be able to confide in Julie anymore. I loved telling her secrets because I knew she couldn't tell anyone. :-P She would just smile or laugh, and she would let me know in her own way when she related to me. She even laughed when I told her that Justin's new girlfriend's name was Norma. I can confide in my Mom, but she's not that great at raising my spirits. I can confide in BFF Sarah, but one person can only listen to me bitch and cry for so long. All I know is that I've been pretty comfortable in my room, just letting the tears come whenever they come.

It's been a bad week.

Update on Julie.

Hey folks...
I saw Julie again today. She was doing slightly worse. I went over there just before 11am so that Joy and Ted could go to the funeral home. their friends Chick and Kristy were there to help with laundry. It was so good to walk into that house and see people gathering and helping them!!!! Julie was in bed but awake so I grabbed some ice chips and got to work. :-P Yesterday, Julie was able to open her jaws less than an inch...just big enough to get an ice chip in. I didn't realize how totally lucky we were yesterday until today--she would not open her lips or teeth for anything. I ended up having to put an ice chip in her mouth between her lips and teeth and just letting it melt. I was seriously upset and needed a break--luckily Mike (her husband) showed up around noon. Julie's cousin got there to clean the house right before Joy and Ted got back--just before the hospice nurse showed up at 1. The meeting was still going on when I left at 4!! I couldn't believe it! I did manage to get Julie to eat 3 bites of a french fry (equal to half a fry) and a tiny bite of a hamburger, and I felt SOOOOOOO good about it! Everyone was so happy that she opened her mouth for something. She also had a little over half of a gummy vitamin. But again...that's ALL she had to eat up until I left. I hope she has eaten some tonight, and opens those jaws to allow ice. I'm thinking of her constantly and hoping it's over soon and she doesn't suffer. I'm doing everything in my power to help keep her comfortable...holding her hand, brushing her hair...Kristy and I gave her leg and foot massages today. Julie truly enjoyed it...she was more alert at the time and was making eye contact with us. It must have looked funny...Julie was in the rocking chair and Kristy and I were on either side of her with one of her legs in our laps massaging them. She also got a good neck rub from Kristy. It was soooooooo good to be over there today and have so many people show up to help. Joy and Ted need help more than ever! And they need help with EVERYTHING! Julie needs help! She needs to get hugs and she needs people to hold her hand and spend time with her.

Emotionally, I'm doing okay. I cried most of the day yesterday (mainly about Julie) but have only had one crying spell today. Make that 2--Julie's sister just sent me an email that made me sob. Thanks, Amber, LOL! It's been a WICKED couple of weeks on me emotionally. I do cry easily, but not *this* easily, LOL! I think it's a combo of the new birth control I'm on and all of the BS that's happened lately. I have a raging case of PMS right now and it's rearing its head via crying spells and back pain. I'm still really angry with Cioci Sharon for blowing me off while I was there. I'm still sad about Mike--I miss him so freakin bad I can't stand it. A girl I've known since 5th grade (we weren't friends but she was a star athlete and everyone knew her) died of metastatic breast cancer on Sunday. She was 29. Add Julie's sudden decline and impending death...and you have a young woman (me!) who is feeling very sad. I know I have an incredible amount of love around me, and I really am grateful for that. I just don't understand why completely innocent people have to suffer from bullshit ailments that take away their lives too soon. Why generous and wonderful families have to watch their children die. The girl who died of breast cancer had a 6 year old daughter. How are these things FAIR? I just don't get it. I wish I knew who to yell at for all of this. :-P

Enough depressing shit for one day. I can't wait to get back to my old happy self again!

Just in case you didn't already know...

I know I've been all over facebook with this but I had to blog it too...Julie is not doing well. She is not eating or drinking--she accepts ice chips or gatorade chips but that's about it. She has days/weeks to live. Joy and Ted have sacrificed sooooo much to take care of her. Her husband is not helping to pay funeral expenses. She had no life insurance. She has been physically and financially supported by Joy and Ted for quite a while now. Her final days are approaching and they NEED money to pay for Julie's final expenses. To donate, go to www.juliesfund.blogspot.com and click the paypal icon or choose whatever method you want. They NEED your help. I don't care who you are or how you came across this blog...I know times are tough but Julie deserves a proper memorial. If you want to learn more about Julie, go to www.caringbridge.org/visit/juliez

I saw Julie again today and my heart breaks. She is simply not the same girl I saw 2 weeks ago before my trip to NY. She could not walk today, so they wheeled her into the bedroom. She's skinny and I mean SKINNY. Joy said she was 134lbs at her doctor's appt the other day. Her eyes are sunken and she has circles under her eyes. She took some ice chips, a mini Dove bar and a little rice and that was it. She seems very disconnected. She was "with it" a lot more today than Friday--she seemed to pay a lot more attention to what was going on around her. Unfortunately, I believe Julie's smiles are gone forever. *cry* I was really hoping that she was only having a bad day on Friday and that she would still smile another day. But we didn't get ANY emotion out of her tonight...Amber even told a hilarious story that I know would have had Julie audibly laughing (at least the way she laughed, which was a strange kinda noise but I liked it) 2 weeks ago. Julie stared into space. I'm going over there tomorrow while Joy and Ted go to the funeral home (sigh) to continue the feeding of ice/gatorade chips/twizzlers/whatever. I just want to help her feel comfortable and loved, and I want Joy and Ted to be able to just fucking relax a little (yeah right) and spend time with Julie while she's still here. I feel like a hospice nurse and a friend all in one, lol.

Anyway, that's what's going on right now. I have a feeling I'll be posting more tomorrow.

Not so great right now.

Well, things just aren't going so well right now. 2 major things come to mind, and I'll talk about my trip to NY in this entry too because it looks like I'm not going to sleep for a while.

First of all, I know it's been a while since I've updated. Things were going really well for Mike and me. I saw (and still see) long-term potential for us, and so did/does he. A whole lot of shit has happened...I went for a week to NY, he got sick (like, really sick), I got really super needy and he just wasn't able to give me the attention I needed. I understand that...I really do. Anyway, bad news from his Dr and he really needs to do some lifestyle changes. So...he's going to focus on getting better, and I'm back on the market as of our date last night. I'm sad. I feel like I've spent so much time rebuilding my karma and trying to be a better person overall, and I still can't seem to make a relationship last. I know I didn't do anything wrong. He made that really clear to me, and I knew in my heart anyway. One of my strengths is helping people feel better when they're ill, in showing real interest and compassion when they're hurting. I wish I could just ball up with him and stroke his hair and take care of him. It pisses me off that I'm not going to be able to do that. We're going to stay friends, and that's really good. I care about him a lot and I do want him in my life. He's not a dick. He never was. I'm just sad and thinking about the future right now depresses me. I feel like the most giant failure when it comes to relationships and I wonder if I will EVER find the person I'm supposed to be with in the long run. I fucking deserve it. I have so much LOVE in my heart. I see stupid fucking people every day who don't deserve the people they're with, who don't deserve kids, and who take it all for granted. It's not fair that someone like me has nowhere to funnel their love (I know that sounded ridiculous) and others are just able to snap their fingers and have a great life. Anyway, I'll shut up. Those of you who read this are very familiar with my struggles in the love department, and I'll spare you listening to my bitching and whining for the 300th time about how I'm gonna be single forever. :-)

More bad news. Julie isn't doing very well. I don't really know where to start with this. I went over there Friday, and here are my observations--She barely made eye contact and didn't smile the entire time I was there. This was SO upsetting to me because no matter how shitty she's feeling, you'll still get a smile out of her if you're funny enough. I fed her some ice chips with a spoon...she doesn't seem to be able to open her mouth all the way or she just doesn't want to. She apparently ate a bunch of chips (at least a dozen) when she was with her husband, and she had a couple of bites of chicken while I was there. She was leaning to the right a lot. Standing and walking are TOTALLY changed...she can't be pulled up by her arms anymore because her muscles are so tight. It takes 2 people to walk her anywhere--she's soooooo unbalanced it scares me. Her knees don't want to bend when she sits (that's been going on for a while though). She's lost a bunch of weight (I'd guess her to be 140...I could feel her hip bone when I was helping her walk...). I'm so very worried. Now, to Julie's credit, she was tired when I saw her. She had a bit of a busy day. So some of the walking issues and the leaning were probably caused by that. But there is definitely a big difference since the last time I'd seen her a week prior. Nobody knows how long Julie is going to be around. This disease she has is completely baffling. I hope that it's over for her before she suffers too much. I worry about her and her folks so much!

Went to NY, had a terrible time, thanks for asking! Mom just can't handle the car rides...we had 5 long car rides in 8 days. Needless to say, she's still recuperating. Long story short, we went to visit Cioci Sharon at the convent in Elma for a few days then went up to Utica for the rest of the trip. I've come to the understanding that Cioci Sharon just doesn't like me, and I guess that's okay. I really tried hard to be polite and helpful and quiet while I was there, and I feel like I was treated like Mom's cabbie. She didn't even say goodbye to me our last night there...she went and said goodbye to Mom and then blew right past me to go to bed. I was crushed--cried myself to sleep. As much as I love Maggie and Evelyn, I could NEVER treat them that way. I try really hard to be a good aunt, and it just so happens I'm naturally pretty good at it. I would have really appreciated a good TRY from her.

So there's my life right now. Everything is not so great. But I'm sure it'll get better...it has to. ;-) (Famous last words...)

Frustrated.

ZOMG, the 2nd batch of creampuffs came out AWESOME!

Finished product.

I just don't understand why one person would have to suffer so much. Not me...my Mom. I don't understand why, after everything she's been through and all of the good things she's done, she is in almost constant pain and is forced to suffer every day. This is a woman who worked for 26 years as a nurse for children with cancer. If that doesn't make you look up to her...nothing will. Since I've been back in KY, I've been to several Dr appts with her and I get more frustrated every time. Very long story cut very very short, she bent over on Mother's Day 2006 to put her shoes on and go to work (she was on-call) and blew out her back. She immediately lost bladder control and feeling below her waist. The hospital she went to for emergency care lost her MRI results for 3 days, making the nerve damage worse. She had surgery, and it was determined that she has Cauda Equina Syndrome caused by trauma. That's bad enough...RIGHT? You'd think so. She also suffered a stage IV pressure ulcer (bedsore) on her tailbone, where she ended up hours from death from septic shock. She was in the hospital from May-June 2006, then again from July-October. Today, we went to her primary care dr...the dr I've been seeing since I was a tiny kid. Here's the point of the whole damn thing...I'm tired and sad of hearing the words "chronic", "lifetime" and "permanent" in regards to my Mom's condition. I'm especially tired of hearing of all of the pain medication that she's going to be on for the rest of her life. My Mom is not a perfect person by a long stretch, but she has been mostly good in her lifetime and deserves more than this. She has lost her parents, lost 2 of her 3 sisters, she has been a single mother to 3 kids, worked her ass off to provide for us...and now that she's 56 years old and *almost* retirement age she's stuck in a bed in the living room of her house. There are so many things she wanted to do...going to Greece was at the top of the list. Now, getting her to Greece would be nearly impossible because she simply can't sit for more than an hour at a time. It's not fair. She should be still working (just a few more years!) and saving for her retirement and her travel. She was never much of a dancer, but she has said in the past few years that she's sad she'll never dance at my wedding (or Maggie's...or Evelyn's...). She had just as much life in her as Cioci Denise did before she got really sick the last time--she WANTS to do these things and is a prisoner of her body. She's depressed almost all the time...the only time I can tell she's really happy is when her grandkids are around. She cries at least once a week...it's heartbreaking and completely unfair. I cry when I think about what my Mom's life used to be like, and the things she should be doing now. I barely remember how she used to walk, which devastates me. Flat-footed with a walker is how she gets around now, or in a wheelchair. Anyway...I don't really talk much about how I feel about this situation and I think I need to blog more. It's hard for me to talk about it all because I have no answers and I can't fix it. I feel like when I talk about it, I'm bitching. Maybe it's my own failure to adapt...I don't know. Now, rather than keeping it inside or trying to talk to people that may not understand...I'm gonna bitch about it in my blog. After all, that's what it's for, right? :-p

Yesterday was fun...Sarah and I decided to make homemade creampuffs from scratch. The first batch came out kinda flat and we couldn't really fill them with anything, but the second batch came out BEAUTIFUL! We filled them with sugar-free vanilla pudding and some with raspberry preserves and then covered them in chocolate...MY OH MY. Yummy and relatively healthy. I'm having another getaway with Sarah and her folks this week...SO EXCITED! It'll just be a couple of days, but it's going to be so relaxing. I actually have some exciting things coming up...besides my little getaway, I'm going to a wool festival with some people from the knitting group on the 20th, the Rebel Brigade Alumni Night (which I still plan on attending) is the 25th, Sarah & Erik's official housewarming party is on the 26th, and Mom is talking about me driving her to NY again the first week of Oct. I'm hoping for the 2nd week, as there is this turkey shoot thing that several of my friends are going to on Oct. 5th. (I don't think it actually involves shooting turkeys.) Life is in full session. I'm proud and happy for Mike--He got a new job which will be less stressful on him and will allow us slightly more time to hang out. This new job is going to change a lot of things for the positive in his life, and I am so happy for him! Socially, everything is going really well. I feel like I have real friends and people who care about me. There are still a lot of people to get to know, but as of right now I feel I have a good handle on who is good to hang out with and who isn't.

Call me what you will, but I walked away with 2 fantastic books from the library today. Since I've never been a big fan of fiction (basically anything too far-fetched is a no-no for me), I picked up "Sybil", which I have never read but I have seen the movie. I'm embarrassed to say I've never read it, as a psychology major and someone who thinks Dissociative Identity Disorder is fascinating. I also picked up "How We Die: Reflections on Life's Final Chapter" which I am looking forward to reading right away. There is so much to learn...Now that I have actually been exposed to death as a part of life and have the knowledge that there are actually many steps involved in both our bodies and minds, I want to learn as much as I can. Since I've been helping with Julie, I've been thinking a lot about what direction I want to take with my career. Do I want to be a psychologist, or do I want to be a caregiver? What are the pros and cons of each option? Can I really handle a job that would require me to care for people with chronic and fatal conditions? How emotionally involved will I get? There are a lot of questions. Either way I decide to go, the book on death is going to help me.

That's it for now...sorry if this whole post has been a bit disjointed and kerbobbled. (Yes, I said kerbobbled.) It was more stream-of-conscience than anything. ;-)